Relationships: Unraveling Unconditional Love

Relationships: unraveling unconditional love

Whenever I hear someone say, "I want a relationship where someone will love me unconditionally", what I always seem to hear is this: I want a relationship where I'll remain unchanged as a being, where I'll make no effort to know and please the other person and where I'll continue being self-centered and uncaring.

In summary, all I hear when someone says they want a relationship (or marriage for that matter) where they will be loved unconditionally, I understand them as needing a relationship where they will remain being single.

Well, after saying this, it seems that I've already taken a stand as far as unconditional love is concerned. Judge for yourself from what I say below...

*******
What is unconditional love?
It is love without expectations.
It is defined as caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves.
Whether this is achievable or not, I'm still yet to understand. Here is what I am saying: I don't know if it is possible for one person to love and care about the happiness of another person without any thought for what they might get in return.

The Bible, God and unconditional love
First and foremost, the Bible reiterates that God is love and love is God: to know God is to know true love. Thus God becomes the best definer, definition and embodiment of love.

Having said that, the Bible shows God's unconditional love (unconditional in case being that we can't earn it) in this manner; look at the following Bible passages:
John 3:16 (NIV) "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son,  that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."
Ephesians 2:8-9 (NIV) 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.
Romans 3:23-24 (NIV) 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

In these Biblical passages;
(a) God is shown to love the world in its sinfulness. He did this by paying for the world's redemption Himself: the world hasn't paid for and cannot pay for God's love and gift because it is free. He gives it free of charge to anyone who would care to receive it.
(b) Salvation is free, it is not earned and that our good deeds do not help earn it so we cannot boast about it. This is where God's unconditional love comes in: that He loves us without requiring anything in return (for payment.)
(c) Our sinfulness is a testimony that we have nothing to give to God in order to remit (or take away) our guilt of sin. Therefore through something called grace (an undeserved favor from God), He extends His mercy and forgiveness to us for free.

Now, after showing us that God's love is free, the next best question to ask is this: is it unconditional? Does God "care about our happiness without any thought for what He might get for Himself in return"? I'll give us a "Yes" and "No" answer, meaning that it goes both ways.

Yes because we truly have nothing of our own to offer God to appease or please Him in exchange for His love. Everything we have belongs to him (Psalms 24:1), thus we would only be giving Him out of the abundance that comes from Him as a gift to us... And even if we would have something to offer, our sin-stained hands and hearts wouldn't be worthy of His holy presence.

And "No" because our works after salvation show that although His love is unconditional and free, the best way to appreciate it is through doing the very thing He did for us to others. Our acts of thanksgiving and appreciation as directed by His Word bring Him glory, thus making it a condition in the way we express love towards Him and others. See the following verses:-

James 2:17 (NIV) "In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
1 John 3:10, 16 (NIV) 10 This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother. 16 This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.

In the two passages, we notice something: that a deep faith in God is best proven by acts of love, and love is only made evident through various noticeable actions to God and those around us. Which therefore means love has conditions: IF someone does not love his brother or lay down his life for his brother, he is not a child of God. Love demands certain actions in order to be evident. Faith, when not accompanied by action is dead. Or we can put it this way: IF faith is not accompanied by actions that show it exists, it is not faith at all.

Side note: In John Chapter 4, worship has conditions too: if we have to claim to worship God, we need to do it in spirit and in truth. IF worship is not done in spirit and in truth, then it's either false worship or no worship at all. That's a condition.

So in this case, there are conditions when showing love to both God and fellow men. In order for love to be proved and tested to be true love, it should be patient, kind, it should not envy, it should not boast, it should not be proud, it should not be rude, it should not be self-seeking, it should not be easily angered, it should not keep a record of wrongs, it should not delight in evil but rejoice with the truth, it should always protect, always trust, always hope, always persevere and never fail. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, NIV).

Now, please pause and show me one person who doesn't expect the other person to love them in the way I have shown us above and I'll show you the one person who loves unconditionally.

Differences between the love of God and the love of men
Here are the key differences between God's love and man's love:
(a) God loves us just because He loves us but mankind loves because of a thing or two; man loves with expectations.
(b) Nothing stops God from loving us, no matter what we do or say, but man's love may cease when we stop doing things that speak to their love language.
(c) God defines love because He is love; man, in his weaknesses, is always learning how to love the way God loves.

Nevertheless, God loves us unconditionally but it does not end there, He expects us to love Him back - and there are conditions on how this should be done (as I have listed above).

Does the Bible demand that Christians love unconditionally?
Yes and No.
Jesus says, "Give and do not expect back" (Luke 6:32-35) This is at the very center of Christianity. Even the Golden Rule states almost the same thing: "love your neighbor as you love yourself." We are expected to give, love, live, serve and do everything without expecting anything in return because that is what we would want others to do for us.

But... We should also look at it this way...

Suppose two Christians are relating or are friends and each one of them is following the Golden Rule (love your neighbor as yourself), isn't it true that one expects the other to do as our Lord has instructed us, thus fulfilling the conditions of love without actually speaking it out?

When we reciprocate love, the conditions of love are met. And here are the conditions: true love is when you love another person like you love yourself or if you love your neighbor as yourself or yet still, if you do to others the very things you would love done to you, then that's true love. That is the condition of love: to love others as we love ourselves.
Therefore, love is not unconditional, so to say.

Where does the notion of unconditional love come from then?
I think the concept of unconditional love is a good concept birthed by God in His Word but it has been popularized and skewed by our present culture which is full of people who want to receive things but give nothing back. It is a culture filled with narcissism. People want too much but they don't want others to expect anything from them. And we always seem to do the same to God: we want Him to love us unconditionally, but we are not ready to commit and obey what He says.

How then do we train ourselves to love unconditionally?
Because love that is unconditional is something we grow into gradually, we should use Scripture to help see the manner in which we ought to love;
1. Love by carrying each other's burdens...
Galatians 6:2 (NIV) "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."
2. Love by and having mercy upon each other and tolerating one another.
Jude 1:22 (NIV) "Be merciful to those who doubt."
3. Love by praying for one another.
James 5:16 (NIV) "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
4. Love by thinking of others to be better than ourselves.
Philippians 2:3 (NIV) "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in hhumility, value others above yourselves."
5. Practice open-mindedness and embrace emotional maturity. Read more about open-mindedness here and about emotional maturity here. 

Conclusion
On God's love...
1. God's love is free, but His love language makes demands out of His followers. There is a way He expects them to act and behave if they have to be loving in the right way. The demands are in God's law and His Holy Spirit which He freely gives to all that accept Him. 
2. We give nothing to deserve God's love, but we have a lot to do in order to show we have received it and it's now filling us. And when we don't do as God tells us, we have not loved as He expects us to love.
3. There are no conditions to receiving God's love, but there are conditions on how to use it and experience it.
4. Unconditional love is the most perfect form of love towards which God wants us to grow. No human being has presently achieved that level of perfection in love, but we are all growing towards it.

On man's love...
1. Man's love language makes demands on what he/she expects from the other person as far as love and actions are concerned. The demands of man's love include sacrifice, commitment, affection, compliments, faithfulness, respect and support. We give nothing to receive someone's love but we have a responsibility to show them we appreciate that they love us through these various actions. 
2. When something is expected of us by fellow human beings as an act of love and we don't give it as we should, then we have not loved that person the way they deserve to be loved. 
3. There are conditions on how we receive man's love (that's why we cannot fall in love with all people at the same time) and there are also conditions on how we exhibit it. 
4. Unconditional love should not be an ultimatum, but a process. When we make it an ultimatum as far as people are concerned, we should also be ready to give out love unconditionally. 
5. Instead of people saying that they need a relationship where someone would love them unconditionally, they should instead say that they need someone who wouldn't judge them wrongly or according to their mistakes and the choices they make or have made. I think they should concentrate more on unconditional acceptance than they concentrate on unconditional love. 

Bonface Morris.

The Red Shop Part 1

It is way across town. Camouflaged by the embrace of nature, it almost seems non-existent yet so evidently present to its frequent visitors.

There are grassy paths, beaten paths and pavements... And there is ambiance: an unmistakable ambiance of tropicalness. The trees ameliorate it. It makes you feel welcome, this "shop".

It is bambooed too: you can sense, smell and see bamboo almost everywhere. There are bamboo chairs, bamboo tables, bamboo rest chairs, rocking bamboo shades, curtains dangling with bamboo ornamentation, bamboo side posts, bamboo themed vases, a makuti roof... And the hollowness of split bamboo stems faces you with a deep cream and jungle-green color from the fences where they've been nailed and painted.

You have to know this place exists to know it is here. It is somehow hidden, somehow treed; outskirted, so to say. The soft music is always on, and people are always moving in and about.

But it's quiet. It is paradoxical that people are always moving in and out yet it's this quiet. It is almost as if activities are clockwork and everyone is minding their own business. Yes, there is that - many people - but this place is like a heartbeat: throbbing so loud, yet so silent.

This heartbeat of "the shop" is what attracts the likes of Adrian. Adrian loves it. This is where he fell in love. No, not with someone, but with nature. And not only with the nature of the surroundings but with the nature of people. Sometimes he just comes here to buzz his mind in enjoying the people and the serenity away from the madness the world has become.

He still remembers the day he fell in love with this place like he remembers what he just had for lunch. This place makes him feel and hear his own soul. Have you ever experienced that? Adrian does. But he won't be telling us about that today, no, he'll tell us why he loves this place. He'll tell us about the people he meets here albeit unexpectedly.

*******
He has never understood why they call it The RED SHOP yet it's neither a shop nor is it red in color. It's funny. Really funny. Earlier on, when he was new in town, he crushed here but he never really wanted to be inquisitive about it: the name of the place. He let things be.

But stories are told of how the place got it's name...

Two years ago, one Old Man who is a frequent visitor to "the shop" for its famous exquisiteness once told him:

"When I first came here", the old man narrated,
"It was the fuzziness that attracted me. The place felt a bit hieroglyphic: I could know how to define it through what my eyes saw but I couldn't decipher its holistic nature. And after I've been around for a while, I am sure of two things young man; we all love this place because it helps us define ourselves (we "shop" here) and we LOVE here; love is red, isn't it? People experience love in this place in its many forms. Maybe that is why it is called THE RED SHOP after all.

The Old Man insists that Adrian should just call him George. Adrian has never heard of an old man insisting that it's enough and okay if younger people simply referred to him and called him by his first name, so George intrigues him. Adrian's father would die or kill you with the mere whiff of his look if you, being as young as his granddaughters and sons tried calling him by his first name. And you would hear of that story of disrespect and immoral behavior for a whole year nonstop.

George, being a familiar face here, is quite familiar with how life works. Sometimes he talks, and when he talks, he goes full blast... But other times he simply steps in, sandals on his feet and a cap on his head, stands by the door, leans over, clutches tightly at his walking stick, gives the potted plant by the door some keen agricultural look, touches it a little, raises his head after seconds of subtleness, gazes at the waiters and boom! everything gets aligned to his table.

And it ain't much. His order isn't normally that much or complicated: just a certain special cup of coffee made to his liking. To George, THE RED SHOP is a coffee shop.

It is famed that the Old Man loves his coffee that way because he says it himself, "This place gives me that unforgettable and hiatial rückkehrunruhe." So someone once asked him, "What's that?" The Old Man gazed at the questioner the way he gazes at the potted plant by the door and said, "What do you people learn in schools nowadays?" then he shook his head and went on sipping his coffee.

It is rumored that the taste of that coffee makes him experience his wife's cooking again, albeit briefly. They had been married for 50 years. Fifty good years, meeen. And now, here he is, ten years after her departure, and the only thing he can do about it is to endlessly sip coffee in some hidden "shop".

Rumors also pry that George's wife was such an excellent cook. People describe her with the fondness and excellence of an angel. Adrian is not so sure about these rumors because people tend to formulate all kinds of stories about all kinds of things all the time. People are story-mongers: as long as a narrative may suite a person, it will stick. Those are people.

Also, as a matter of fact, Adrian has always wondered what this Old Man, er, George, was in life before he became a permanent "shop visitor/member". He seems older that his dad. Maybe by 10 years. That makes him Kibaki's age-mate. Funny. He has imagined Kibaki telling a young man somewhere in Othaya, "Kijana, wee niite tu Stanley" and that has never fit in place. Wait-a-minute, would that work? Naaah.

"The fuzziness attracted me at first because I was looking for a distraction...", the Old Man continued after strategically putting his walking stick in its rightful place.

"A distraction from what?"

"From myself, from my kids, from friends, from routine, from my work and from life; but not from Liz."

"Who's Liz, again?"

"My wife" *Sips coffee*

That day, Adrian hesitated. Could he ask George all the questions he has been wanting to ask him about his wife? Would it come out to be intrusive and disrespectful? Would it change their relationship? Because, so far, things between them were alright. So he tried...

"By the way, how is she right now?"

The Old Man gave him the potted-plant-look implying, "Like, really?"

"She isn't here"
"She left us and went to be with the Lord 8 years ago. She was the most gracious lady I've ever known and the most beautiful thing that ever happened to my wrecked life.

"Young man, let me tell you something: only one person, or maybe two people, or maybe no-one if you're aligned with bad luck, could make you feel that way about them and life. This is what I mean: butterflies don't fly in all stomachs all the time...

"Liz was impeccable. That girl was fine. I can still see the day I met her so clearly. And I damned myself - sorry for the bad language young man, but you just have to feel the way I did, which I'm sure not so many of you feel today because everything in this generation has become so intensely artificial. This is what I told myself the very day my eyes landed on her: 'I want that girl, I want her for myself'. Yes, I was that smitten, and the whole lot of who I was got a transformation I may never experience again."

On that day George was telling stories from his youth, it rained. It rained so hard that they couldn't hear each other regardless of the not-so-noisy sound of rain on the makuti roof. They remained there the whole Saturday afternoon, George sipping his coffee and Adrian gazing emptily at everyone in the room... And George promised to continue his stories another time they meet again.

That is how it always rolls at the shop.

*******
I'll soon e back with more stories from The Red Shop. Stay tuned.


Bonface Morris.

Personal Growth: Open-mindedness

Open-mindedness

"I just don't like them, so I'll have nothing to do with them!" is one statement we hear often.

It is mostly put across by a person who wants everyone else around them to live and figure out life the way they do and the disgust is usually due to a difference in opinion, taste or preference... But what such a person rarely sits down to consider is this: do they think that they too are LIKEABLE by everyone else? Really? 

*******
I love the world we live in today. Reason being that everyone has the freedom to choose what to like or not to like. That is a good thing, no? The problem only comes in when we want other people to like the same things we like in the same way we do. That brings about war because it is impossible and also unpleasant. 

The dictionary definition of open-mindedness is "an inclination to tolerate or overlook opposing or shocking opinions or behavior" (WordWeb Dictionary.) And I'll take the old definition of tolerance which is the willingness to recognize and respect the beliefs and practices of others as my guide-stick of the type of tolerance I'll be talking about. Please note that the kind of tolerance I'll be favoring in this post is not the postmodern one that "accepts, favors or supports ALL the beliefs and practices from other people without question" but one that "recognizes and respects those beliefs and practices." Notice the difference.

Okay, let's move on...

Each one of us has met (or has been) the person with reactions like the one in the first paragraph above: someone who only sees what is wrong in everything and everyone else. They think the world revolves around them and unless something is done their way or an opinion favors their own, everything else is bad and unworthy. They always think they are God. Well, if they were God, I would have no trouble accepting their world view, but they are not. (Anyway, even God is very much open-minded - we see it in the person of Jesus Christ as He walked this world.) Such people make very poor company. They are the kind of friends you won't what to introduce to your other friends who look at life from a very different angle. They are mostly what I call "mtu-wa-rafiki-mmoja" (the one-friend person) because it may be that only this friend tolerates their nonsense. They tolerate nothing/no-one out of their normalcy and only see things at face value. They aren't flexible and are therefore very domineering.

Now, here are the few things such people do (can we just call them, for the sake of this post, closed-minded people?);
1. First impressions are EVERYTHING to them.
Once someone flops the first time they meet them, they will ALWAYS be losers. End of the story.

2. They don't offer second chances.
They stink of perfectionism: there should be no error, no jokes, no nonsense... and people are always judged according to who they were 10 years ago. Either that, or not; end of the story.

3. They can't have fun for the sake of having fun (PS: I'm talking about good, responsible fun by the way). 
Their idea of having fun has to go all the way to: who will I be with? what kind of fun is it? where is the fun at? and why should I have fun at all? If whatever is proposed is outside what they want, they're out. End of the story. 

4. They make judgments and draw conclusions at face value.
They rarely research or inquire in order to understand people more nor do they take time to see the world from a different perspective. They lack respect for anyone who is not in their class (socio-economically, spiritually, fundamentally or age-wise.)

5. They are indifferent and rigid to change.
Change terrifies them because they love their comfort zones. New ideas terrify them because they tend to live in the past - in their "perfect" pasts.

6. They refuse correction and a second opposing opinion on almost everything.
They always want to have the upper hand in all decisions and discussions and would even leave a discussion just because people aren't in sync with how they feel/think about the subject of discussion.

7. They are narrow-minded, are obsessed with "reading people" and are continuous victims of negative automatic thoughts. Read more on automatic thoughts here. 
Explaining what they are in detail may actually require me to write another blog, but in short, they are spontaneous thoughts and opinions on things and people around you.

Well, people with the characteristics listed above (and the ones above are just a tip of the iceberg) tend to make life unbearable for others and themselves. This is revealed in the following ways;

1. How they talk to and interact with people
Open-minded people will tend to have a greater variety of friends from all kinds of classes and upbringings, less enemies and more freedom to opinion and view on life; on the other hand, closed-minded people lack the above attributes and tend to be legalistic, domineering and judgmental.

2. How people see them, interact with them and talk to them
The way we understand what people are saying like in the use of the "f" and "s" words and any other cuss words has really changed in this millennial/postmodern period. Most words no longer mean whatever they originally used to mean. Closed-minded people tend to be quite intolerant and judgmental when they hear someone respectable use a cuss word. 

Now, considering that we have seen a few things closed-minded people do and how they feel about the world around them, why not list a few characteristics of open-minded people? 
Here they are;

1. They try not generalize and see people as "a whole" but as individuals with unique choices, values and perspectives i.e. a person from a specific tribe will be handled as an individual and separate from their tribal affiliation and stereotypes.

2. They try to give people a second chance and treat them beyond reasonable doubt as individuals who can change. 
They give them the benefit of the doubt. They refuse to see and judge people according to their pasts. Open-minded people tend to say this: "I know who you were and who you are right now. I'll listen to you, I'll hear you out."

3. They refuse to think that they are gods or that they are immune to the things affecting these other people. 
They don't normalize sin, but they see themselves through the eyes of the sinner: needing forgiveness and restoration. They see pregnancies before marriage differently, they see Willy Paul, Bahati and Kanyari differently, they see Al-Shabaab and ISIS differently, they see the collaboration between Gospel artists and secular artists in any work of art or science differently... It's a whole list, guys.

4. They are learning how to see people as God sees them, thus no prejudice: that people are broken, needy (in need of a Savior) and subject to change. This's how the Lord saw the Apostle Paul and redeemed him.

5. They try to be less judgmental but more appreciating; and they accept that anyone can be used of God and become anything for His glory. They try not to draw lines or boundaries pertaining people, God's grace and His limitless favor (like the Pharisees did in Jesus' time). They try to ask questions before they pass judgement. Read on how Jesus was open-minded here in two separate stories from Mark 2:13-22 (NIV).

6. They correct the errors in their societies after getting the facts right, and don't seem judgmental while doing so.They correct with love and kindness. They do so without compromising on their beliefs and values. They don't condone bad behavior, but they seek to understand why it exists and how best it can be changed. Click and read this article that can be helpful in showing us on how to balance between speaking the truth and loving other people and this one on how to disagree without becoming enemies with someone.

You now notice and understand that it is a good and healthy thing to be open-minded because it helps us in three ways; in our relationship with our own selves, in our relationships with others and in our relationship with God.

I'll therefore show us a few ways on how to cultivate a nature of open-mindedness. Here they are;

1. Pray that you'll start seeing people as individuals with different personalities and as separate entities.
People are different, so capitalize on that.

2. Strive to always see the best in people, not the worst in them.

3. Give more good compliments on the good you see, advice on the areas that you notice need improvement and offer less criticism on the bad you see.

4. Pray that you'll start seeing people for who they are and who they can possibly become instead of who they were and what they are perceived to be.

5. Don't allow the enemy to feast at your table.

This is what it means: don't allow bad unverified thoughts concerning people to crowd your mind. I grabbed this one from a sermon by Louie Giglio, pastor of Passion City Church, which he preached recently at Elevation Church's Code Orange Revival. You can directly download and listen to the whole audio sermon here or get the whole database of sermons from Elevation Church here.


6. Practice the good habit of weighing every gossip, speculation and rumor with facts. Do it first with the Word of God (the Bereans did that as reported in the book of Acts 17:11  - and that is why they were called a people of noble character) and then with available facts (do some basic research on people, someone or something before making conclusions.) Things are not always what they seem.

Here is the conclusion of the matter:
You don't have to like everyone or everything, but you really have to get along with everyone and everything. That is life, so make the choice.

And...
Quote: Do not be so open-minded that your brains fall out. - G K Chesterton. 

Read this article on prayers some too open-minded and unwise guy offered to Allah recently at church's general assembly plenary session in USA to see exactly what Chesterton meant in that quote.

See you later.

Bonface Morris.