Why Friendzones Are Such a Bad Idea

This is the second time I am talking about the friendzone. I first talked about it here sometime back in 2013.

Well, today, let me kick this off and elaborate the point I want to put across by using a substantial example:

Let's say there exists Lady A (let's call her Ruth) living in Town A. She is a cool lady. She is also a devoted Christian who blows demons off their grid to I-don't-know-where. She is spiritual and stuff. She breathes and survives only on the air from the Garden of Eden. (Everlasting air.) She is a daughter of God.

If you ninjas would stalk her a little (yeah guys, just a little - especially you saved #TeamMafisi - just a little) you would realize that she posts Scripture and Gospel song lyrics and photos from a time she was in some big mind-blowing youth conference somewhere, and dude, she spews glory all over the place. Her social media timelines are altars. No joke. This chiq is thick with the Holy Ghost, and all you feel saying back when she's talking is, "Yes ma'am, hallelujah..." and stuff.
You are almost always juggling in bewilderment when you talk to her. She is a drone, and you are the ground; but she's such a drone that the control station is somewhere beyond the clouds. You get it?

Okay, so Ruth, in all her majesty and valor, is still single. Young. Beautiful. Devoted. Spirit-filled. But single. Yes, not even a guy has dared approach her in manner that suggests that he wants her in his life for a relationship. Every guy she has ever met only comes to her with the shackled bruhaha that she now abhors...

This is how most of them get to her (and it's mostly via text messages or that WhatsApp thing) (and by the way, who told us guys that we should make our first move on an awesome lady like Ruth via texts? That's rather cheap. Ooooh well...)

Here is a dude texting her:

"Hi Ruth. I loved the way you did it up there (on the pulpit). Are you free tomorrow? I wanted to borrow something from you - that book you talked about today..." (Ruth dances and talks with the angels, you know; like we all actually do in some sort of a way.)

And Ruth would coyly smile in unutterable ambivalence, wonder within her heart what the heck is wrong with every other "brother" today. I mean, what has her being on the pulpit blowing out stuff got to do with her being free tomorrow?
And, okay, goodness-and-badness-mixed, she doesn't even know this dude!

She would then stare at the phone for a while, put on her good manners lest she threw machetes at the only potential guy the Lord seems to have send her way and reply, "Oh, thanks. And who are you by the way...?"

The voice in the text message would reply back: "come on d.a. am Morix. Morris who was sittin at d third ro on yo left while u wa hailing glory..."

She would then go into a frenzy: a guy with a childish texting code is throwing flames her way!! He doesn't even possess texting etiquette. Dang!! But, remember, Ruth is the sensitive type. The utterly spiritual type. Well mentored by the Holy Ghost. She feels that the Lord can even speak through such lame texts. She needs to tolerate this guy. She'll friendzone him. So she throws it back: "I'm sorry Morix, er, Morris. I'm not free tomorrow. Maybe some other time."

And Morris, er, Morix, would hang up. Not even a reply with a "good night" comes through. Not even a petty "gdnyt". Dude just disappears. Until forevermore. She'll never hear from him again. The Book he was to borrow stays begging to be "borrowed". Forever.

Ruth has lived in Town A for close to 5 years now. All the guys she's been meeting are more or less just the same: Ploys. Games. Texts. Borrowing stuff. Aimless visits. Meaningless talk. But never ever making the next step to try out a relationship.

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There was one different guy though. His name was Philip. Philip was this cool guy who had just transferred to that town after initially working in Town B for two years. He wasn't that established in life, but he was cool.

This is what she loved about Philip: that dude was prayerful, a devoted Bible thumper and a guy committed to both his word and the Lord's. She loved this. She loved him. He was so cool with his prayer life and Bible thumping that they were prayer and Bible study partners. He thumped himself into almost anything. That was cool. That was really cool. And he didn't make aimless visits like the rest of them. And Philip didn't send aimless texts. Or WhatsApps. Or senseless messenger texts. Or please-call-me's. This dude had direction. She felt like a little Simon Peter in the majesty of his presence. She felt like he made her gloried majesty complete. All her deafness was healed by his presence.

So our dear Ruth flew on the wings of fantasy in the hallowed presence of Philip all the time they were together. He was her God-send apostle. In fact, in all this stomping, she reached a point where she had promised to Bible thump herself into his heart kama angeslaky. But it seems he wasn't thaaaat into her in the same way she was thaaaat into him. She was waaay into him that he realized it.

And that was a problem.

You know why it was a problem? There were a couple of guys that left her alone in those two years - guys who kept on thinking that she and Philip were a thing. A thing. Yes, they were so into each other that people began asking when the wedding bells were going to be tossed out.

But that was only a dream: hers and theirs, not his.

This is how things went:

The reason why Philip seems to be oblivious of the fact that Ruth was a potential thatcher was that Philip had his own issues. He was the kind of guy who was reserved when it came to matters to do with relationships. He had met several other ladies initially in Town B. Church goers. Praise and worship members. Singers. So-called ushers. All church damsels. Church flock. Cherch flockers. Daughters of the Most High God.

His intentions were and had never been to throw himself at a woman and woo her into his arms. No. That's not how he rolls. His heart was into being right with God: in character, in manner, in desire and in mind. (He is the rare species of men, right?)

So when Philip met Ruth after his transfer to Town A, he didn't imagine that this thing (for that's exactly what it had become) would grow into a relationship. He knew that they shared moments with Ruth yeah, and that was it. She was a great lady. A great friend. She knew a lot of Bible, was committed to both her work and God's and could make a good wife someday. Maybe. But not his wife.

The reason why he was reserved is because he grew up knowing (oh yeah, he was misinformed, right?) that relating with a woman in other ways other than seeking the face of God always complicated things. So he adopted a certain policy: he'll always friendzone them (women.)

But the problem with such a decision is that he may end up without a life partner (that is if his prospects involve getting married some day) or he may end up hurting a long list of ladies without knowing. If he's not going to edit that so-called policy and add the following subtitles: "I just wanna be a friend. No relationship for now...", to make the ladies be aware of what he is up to, he'll end up messed up or messing up so many other people's lives.

So he happened to stay in Town A for two years and moved abruptly even without saying a goodbye to the church where he served or to his "dear" Ruth.

Ruth was left wondering. Gazing at the church doors every Sunday whenever she served hoping that Philip will appear again - just as he had disappeared.

But it has never happened. It seems he went for good.

"Maybe he had Lady B, somewhere?" wonders Ruth. "Or is he bisexual?" "Or a player...?" She goes on and on.

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That was a year ago. Philip's profession involves him moving from town to town so he moved on. (He too isn't ready to settle down.) And sadly enough, communication between them has just faded slowly into emptiness. She feels she's gone back to square zero. Thumping herself into her next potential relationship again. In fact, after giving it careful thought, it seems she's giving up on ever getting into a relationship. Ever.

So this is what our dear Ruth has decided:

1. No more friendzones.
In fact, she's going to make it her main prayer before she even stumbles into "manyunyu ya relationship" that this dude she is to meet would never even imagine friendzoning her; because, dear Lord, she's gonna die. She's gonna die of being friendzoned. Friendzones are such a bad thing to a God-fearing girl like her.

2. To avoid friendzones which are the source of all weird loneliness, she's going to avoid being too close to a guy before she knows if they can be heading anywhere.
Guys move on pretty fast, ladies don't; so why crash her boat before it even sails? She'll want to know if she is truly sharing the boat with this guy before giving it a go into the murky but beautiful waters of the heart.

3. Friendzones aren't funny, she has just discovered.
She is not going to treat a guy's movement into her life so lightly either. Her heart is not - and she'll repeat - her heart is not a play ground. She'll have to deal with every guy that tries to breach the fence around it the way she would deal with a thief.

4. She realized that once you are friendzoned, no matter how much you are in love, the possibility of getting into a relationship with the same guy is the same as that of a honeymoon on Mars.
So, no honey. No friendzones for her. She doesn't want to have an eternal imaginary dream wedding and marriage. No, not her.

5. She decided that if she's going to draw close to any guy, it would be at a healthy distance that will give room for a real relationship.
No BFF stuff. No weird closeness. No "shared moments". If a guy wants her in such a way, he's gonna have to put it straight on the table.

Do you think this is reason enough for you to hate friendzones too? Like Ruth? Do you think Philip cares, wherever he is that Ruth was affected this much?

Well, it's your choice.

But again, that's why friendzones are such a bad idea.

Bonface Morris.

Of Fury and Foul

Have you ever been angry at someone? Or something?

I mean, really really really really angry at someone? Even yourself? And that you felt like strangling them? Or hiring a gunman to blow them out of the world? Or a kidnapper to carry them to Azerbaijan? (Yes, you're going to Google that, haha).

If you have ever been this angry, it is possible that;
1. You are stupid, or
2. You had a reason to become that angry, or
3. You need help, or
4. All the above... plus... you are a normal person.

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When the religious pundits among us read the paragraphs above, they have a good reason to yell, "Aaaah Morris, anger is sin. We don't get angry... We get over it by evening..." And they'll join the bandwagon that trades the good Scripture below for a thousand "elephants":

               Ephesians 4:26 (NKJV) "Be angry, and do not sin: 

               do not let the sun go down on your wrath."

Well, I partially agree with them. Anger in itself may not be sin, but it is likely to lead us to sin. It is a trap to guide us away from God's righteousness.
But are we to leave it at that? Are we not to seek and get a way out of this trap? Are we not requested to find a way (definitely through the mercies of God) to ensure that our anger doesn't, at least by evening, send our victim(s) on an indefinite trip to Azerbaijan?

Well, that is what this blog post is about.

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It is genuinely practical that each one of us has been angry at one point or another: at yourself, at your landlord or landlady, at God, at your pastor, at your leader, at your boss, at your governor or the government, at your schoolmate, at your workmate, at your wife or husband, at your girlfriend or boyfriend, at your cat, at your cow, at crops in the field, at the sun or the rain, at your car, at your phone, Xbox, TV or tablet, at your laptop or desktop, at your shoes, at your dress, at your tie, at your bank, at your business, at your shirt, at your umbrella, at your roof, at that driver or tout, at a policeman/woman, at some public officer, at your teacher or lecturer, at your parent(s), at your sister or brother... This list is endless!!

This is what I'm saying: anger is inescapable. It is inevitable. It lives with us. You have either had it, faced it, become its victim or are planning to experience it. We are prone to become angry at some point in our lives.

The two types of anger referred to in Christian contexts are:
1. Righteous anger/indignation which is anger that is directed towards what angers God Himself i.e. anger towards/against sin. While dealing with this type of anger, we are required to be careful not to sin (as in the verse quoted above.)
2. Unholy anger/indignation which is normally due to envy, jealousy, pride or arrogance, lack of self control or due to a high temper personality. This is the kind that mostly leads us to sin through violence, unforgiveness, pride, verbal abuse, murder, suicide etc. It is an anger that is born out of selfishness.

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I'll divide this blog into three parts:
1. How to deal with your own anger
2. How to deal with another person's anger, and
3. How to deal with God's anger.

I'll try to be short and to the point.

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1. How to deal with your own anger.
The dictionary definition of anger is: A strong emotion; a feeling that is oriented toward some real or supposed grievance (WordWeb Dictionary, © 2013).

Anger is a normal and natural thing. God is angry at times: Psalms 7:11 -  "God is a just judge, and God is angry with the wicked every day" and Mark 3:5 - "And when He had looked around at them with anger, being grieved by the hardness of their hearts, He said to the man, 'Stretch out your hand.' And he stretched it out, and his hand was restored as whole as the other."

We too, according to Ephesians 4:26, are allowed to be angry but not to fall into sin (by doing, for instance, the nasty things I mentioned a few paragraphs above) in our anger.

In an article titled What Does the Bible Say About Anger? by GotQuestions.org, they begin by saying, "Handling anger is an important life skill. Christian counselors report that 50 percent of people who come in for counseling have problems dealing with anger. Anger can shatter communication and tear apart relationships, and it ruins both the joy and health of many. Sadly, people tend to justify their anger instead of accepting responsibility for it. Everyone struggles, to varying degrees, with anger. Thankfully, God’s Word contains principles regarding how to handle anger in a godly manner, and how to overcome sinful anger..."

Personal anger may or may not be justifiable. It may be as a result of being wronged for no good reason, or being wronged because it was our fault. It may be due to our negligence, our ignorance, our pride or our overreaction.

In trying to find out the reason or source of your anger, ask yourself the following questions:
(a) Am I being fair to myself by being angry? Should I really be angry at him/her/them/it? Is it sensible or am I overreacting?
(b) Was I actually wronged or I'm just escalating an issue that should have been solved without tantrums? Am I being petty or realistic? Is it entirely their fault that this happened to me? (Like when your parents couldn't take you to school because of lack of money or when a lady becomes pregnant due to engaging in premarital sex.)
(c) What if I wronged someone in the same way I've been wronged? Will I expect them to behave differently?
(d) What if God was here? Would He say it is okay for me to behave the way I am doing?

Asking the above questions will help you;
(a) To stop judging yourself more highly than you should.
(b) To stop accusing people wrongfully in cases where the anger is your own problem.
(c) To stop criticizing yourself wrongfully for past or current mistakes, and
(d) To detect whether the anger is your weakness or is being fueled by things or people around you.

After deciphering the cause of your anger: whether it is your fault or another person's, this will help you know the best step to take:

(a) In cases where it is your fault and you are angry at yourself, (for a good reason or for no good reason), ask God to help you to be as calm as possible and to tackle the issue at hand with diligence. You may need to be brave and face the reality and the consequences of your actions with calmness. It was your fault, so ask God to help you get over it.
Also, if you have an anger problem (that is, you are easily angered), ask God to help you practice self control whenever you are almost spilling over. It may not be easy in the beginning, but He'll help you overcome the urge to become angry with time.

(b) In cases where it is righteous anger directed at yourself or someone else because of a sin, you will need to ask God on how to channel it wisely in order to bring about a good solution rather than blowing up and causing more trouble.

(c) In other cases where it is someone else's fault that you are angry and that you are not trying to shift blame, move to the next part of this blog (how to deal with another person's anger).

(d) Try singing. Nobody in this whole world can sing and remain angry. Nobody.

Note: Also, ask for forgiveness and mend relationships if such moments of personal anger caused you (or cause you) to directly or indirectly hurt someone.

The key verses to help you understand and solve personal anger are:
(a) Matthew 7:12 (NIV) "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets."
(b) 2 Corinthians 5:10 (NIV) "For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body (including anger - emphasis mine), whether good or bad."
(c) 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV) "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
(d) Unrighteous anger is sin before God: Galatians 5:19-21 says "Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, FITS OF ANGER, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God."
(e) James 1:19-20: "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God."
(f) Matthew 5:22 (NIV) "But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, 'Raca!' shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, 'You fool!' shall be in danger of hell fire."

2. How to deal with another person's anger
If you have had a friend or someone close to you who has a high temper problem - the one who gets angry at almost anything - you probably have gone through enough trouble trying to calm them down.

People get angry for various reasons, including;
(a) You wronged them.
(b) It is their weakness. They have an anger problem.
(c) They have unresolved issues from their past.

(a) You wronged them
If you wrong someone, expect them to become angry at you - unless they are wimps. Some overreact, some are rational, while others say nothing at all. Everyone deals with anger differently. I've learned to deal with mine by shutting up. That's me.
But inasmuch as we have no control over how other people react to our wrongdoing, we can do something to show them that we are sorry: 

(i) Ask for forgiveness. We can sincerely tell them that we truly are sorry for what we did. This is best done face-to-face with an elderly person or via a phone call. (Don't ever text an elderly person to tell them you are sorry. That is like taking them for granted.) Or we can text our friends.
Depending with the degree of wrongdoing we had caused, sometimes it is better to involve a wise third party if you think the wronged person may end up arguing and angry again.
(ii) We can do something to show that we are sorry. Buy them a gift. Spend time with them. Offer to listen to their side of the story without interference e.t.c.

(b) It is their weakness. They have an anger problem.
People with an anger problem are the hardest to handle. This is because you have little or no control at all on how they react to issues.

There are a few ways you can deal with them though;
(i) Pray for them. Yes, you may take it for granted but it is only He who created them that can make them over.
(ii) Shut up and keep calm when they are talking. Do so even if you feel and are convinced that all the things they are saying are rubbish and wrong. Just listen, take mental notes on where you think they are wrong and interject only after they are done. Their temper is normally raised when you answer back while they are talking.
(iii) Listen to them keenly and after they are done, request to walk away and come back to resolve the matter after they have calmed down. This will ensure that both of you tread on common ground.
(iv) Ignore their tantrums on minor issues and useless stuff which you know is petty. However, don't ignore what they are saying altogether. You don't wanna leave a person with high temper feeling taken for granted: they'll surely drop you in Afghanistan - while attached to a nuke!!

(c) They have unresolved issues from their past.
A lady may always be angry at men because of how previous boyfriends have treated her or because her father was cruel, noncommittal, irresponsible or violent. The same may happen to a young man who has had a history of absent, disrespectful or abusive women.

If a person is angry or hateful towards you because you are from another tribe it may be because someone from your tribe wronged them or due to misguided envy, they were taught to hate people from your tribe or their anger has no cause at all - they just love hating people from your tribe - which is stupid.

A family may always be angered by the presence of members of another family due to past land issues, or witchcraft, or envy or some sort of inferiority complex.

You may be angered by the appearance or presence of a certain person because of what they did to you in the past - which keeps on jumping in your mind whenever they resurface.

How should you plus these people deal with such anger, then?
(i) Pray for them. They are misguided and have issues to deal with. It is understandable. Please pray for them.
(ii) Talk to them. It may not be easy but talking to them and opening their eyes to the truth about their anger may help and guide them in wanting to seek help.
(iii) Don't judge or condemn them. Understand them, then offer help in overcoming the urge to fury over people by holding grudges. Teach them about forgiveness and its importance to a person's health and well-being.

Whenever you wrong someone or someone wrongs you and your heart is heavy, always remember this: Matthew 6:14-15 (NIV) "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

3. How to deal with God's anger
God can be grieved and angered too (refer to verse above). But when dealing with God, it is either we are angry at Him or He is angry with us. The main things that cause God to become angry at us are;

(a) Our lack of faith.
In the verse below, the LORD became angry with Moses because he (Moses) refused to believe in the power of Him that was sending Him to Egypt to save His people: Exodus 4:14 (NIV) "So the anger of the Lord was kindled against Moses, and He said: 'Is not Aaron the Levite your brother? I know that he can speak well. And look, he is also coming out to meet you. When he sees you, he will be glad in his heart.'"

(b) Our disobedience and sinfulness.
Hebrews 3:10 (NIV) says "Therefore I was angry with that generation, And said, 'They always go astray in their heart, And they have not known My ways.'"
Israel was continually disobedient. This infuriated God and made Him put them under the mercies of their enemies from time to time. This can happen to us too.

(c) Our preference of other things apart from Him.
Joshua told the people of Israel this to remind them that they should not be tempted to replace God with anything else once they are settled in Canaan; Joshua 24:20 (NIV) "If you forsake the Lord and serve foreign gods, then He will turn and do you harm and consume you, after He has done you good."

Note: God is jealous, and almost always, jealousy comes with anger. But His kind of anger is spoken of like this in Scripture:
- Psalms 103:8 (NIV) "The Lord is merciful and gracious, SLOW TO ANGER, and abounding in mercy."
- Nehemiah 9:17 (NIV) "They refused to obey, And they were not mindful of Your wonders That You did among them. But they hardened their necks, And in their rebellion They appointed a leader To return to their bondage. But You are God, Ready to pardon, Gracious and merciful, SLOW TO ANGER, Abundant in kindness, And did not forsake them."

Considering the above reasons for God's anger towards us, we can realize that the solution boils down to loving, trusting and believing in Him in faithfulness. It is not hard to therefore deal with God's anger. It only requires our repentance and humility in following what He tells us through Scripture.

You can search for and listen to these two podcasts on anger from Ask Pastor John podcast on SoundCloud.com or directly from DesiringGod.org >
1. If God Is Happy, Why Does He Seem Angry? (Episode 133) and
2. The Root of Sinful Anger (Episode 572)

Also, something worthy to note is that we can find ourselves angry with God at some times. And when we are, we need to focus on who He is and what He says concerning us and not on what we see. 

We may see that we are without hope and help, yet He sees that we are strong and He is here with us through it all:
- Hebrews 13:5 (NIV) "Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.'"
- John 16:33 (NIV) "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

God's nature is not like our own - for we become angry and want to become disobedient in order to prove a point; on the other hand, God becomes angry so that we may realize our mistake(s) and turn back to Him. He is not pleased with us missing what He promised us through disobedience.

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So, there it is. I hope you've been helped on how to deal with anger. I know the LORD will help you come through and become better on the other side.

Until next time,

Bonface Morris.