Relationships: 20 Things Everyone In A Relationship Needs to Know

Note: First of all, my approach to relationships remains Christ-centered. But if you ain't a Christian and have not accepted Him as your Savior (which I would still highly recommend you do) don't fret. This post will still be useful to you.
Another point is that: relationships and marriage take different approaches, and each one of them has its own unique challenges. Therefore, the things and findings I write here, will, to a big extend, cut across all relationships.

Read from the first part of these posts here: 10 Things All Singles Should Know.

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I have had a reasonable amount of fights between me and my girlfriend. (At this point, the word "fights" should actually be replaced with the word "arguments"; and the word "girlfriend" should also mean "fiance'e". To reiterate the latter, it may be because people tend to think the word "fiance'e" is fastidiously greater than the word "girlfriend". This is peculiarly stupid. I know of some ladies in what people would want to identify as "hi-fi relationships" that are treated less yet they are always being referred to as "fiance'e".)

I don't have a perfect relationship. We ain't perfect people, but we're working on it. (And lemme promise you that we ain't gonna be done with this "working on it" phase soon. I think it'll end when the Lord comes or there about.)

Also, I wrote sometimes back on how we tend to complicate relationships. You can read it here.

In order to avoid these complications, it may be important to make a few unwritten rules (yes, unwritten for the time being because once you write them, you may need to consult a lawyer or a court to solve disagreements) on how to treat each other as boyfriend and girlfriend (and do I really need to add that fiance and fiance'e still apply here? And that these two words are - according to me - overrated?)

Anyway, here are the things we need to know:-

1. Read the Bible and pray together often.
I discovered that you cannot be mad at someone and at the same time do devotionals together. It is impossible. Try it sometime. It is impossible. Taking care of your spiritual growth will help prevent most issues that come with its negligence.

2. Staying mad at each other will escalate issues. Lose the pride, take a step, bring back the calm and unity.
Allow me to say that most relationship problems are as a result of pride and unforgiveness. The Lord Jesus can help you both to shade the two and take a step to bring about peace and unity. Seriously, if I stay mad is it not me who's suffering and not the other person?

3. Listen. Don't just pretend you're hearing. Listen.
This is because good listening means taking action as pertaining the issues that were under discussion. Good listening is giving the speaker the full attention they deserve as they talk (it may be face to face, via phone calls or through messaging.) PS: Men always feel taken for granted and disrespected when ladies don't listen; while ladies feel unappreciated when men don't listen.

4. Solve your issues. Solve them now.
Procrastination is an enemy to progress. Really.

5. Prevent third parties from influencing every part of your relationship.
That friend or neighbor of yours that has too much say on how you love and treat your bae is not God. Give them boundaries. Stop them before you end up with no relationship at all.

6. Forgetting some things about your better half is unforgivable.
Did I just say that? Yes. It either means you are not as interested in them as you claim or you are self-centered (you think everything should be about you, and not anyone else.)
Every basic phone has a "notes" and "calender" app. Make use of them if you are the forgetful type.

7. Be open. Stay honest.
Men feel deceived when their lady doesn't open up on issues, plans and aspirations. Women feel played when the same is done to them. Lack of openness brings about a lack of trust, dishonest behavior, unfaithfulness and secretiveness.
Secrets keep on eating away your relationship bit by bit until it's gone.
Phone openness can be a tricky thing. Here is an article from The Standard proving this point to be true »» Phone Passwords Ruining Marriages.

8. Make your opinion on an issue known. This gives both of you a chance to discuss through issues to conclusion. Insinuations and unaired assumptions will always cause trouble and doubts.

9. Your relationship is not a "Googleable" thingy.
Blogs (like this one), websites and online forums help us become aware of a few important things in the opposite sex and bring to perspective various pertinent issues. They are useful and good. But they should never substitute the age-old need to ask your bae personal questions like: "What do you really like about a man/woman?" "What is unique about you as an individual?"

10. Don't make a promise unless you know you can keep it.
This is right on, isn't it? Keep plans to yourself until you are sure they can be actualized.

11. Do something weird (but good) in the open together. Have fun.
Have a balance between fun and work.
Throw in some fun. Say "I love you" in many other different ways. Too much fun makes a relationship less serious and less focused, and too much work makes it a bit more boring. It is challenging to strike a balance between the two, but it's doable.

12. If something matters to someone, don't ask why it does; just know it does and appreciate it.
We were all created different. We have different preferences in life. Each one of us feels really good when people don't question us for the things we love no matter how petty. No? They may be petty, but that's just us.

13. It takes two to make it work.
A one sided relationship will always be like a one-wheeled bicycle: possible but very exhausting. When both of you take steps to make it work, that's when a flame of unity and trust is lit.

14. There is a thin line between jealousy and insecurity, between kindness and manipulation.
Every relationship has its own way of looking at this. There is no universal way of looking at jealousy or insecurity, but you'll know where you stand once you experience it. The words above can be used interchangeably from relationship to relationship. To some people, acts of kindness show "umekaliwa chapati", to some it's just fulfilling another person's love language; to another relationship, jealousy would mean being overprotective and showing concern and care, yet to another it may mean just that: jealousy. We can't make a one-sided conclusion on such matters, can we?

15. Only the two of you should have the final say on what you think is right or wrong for your relationship.
Listen to advice. Seek guidance. But in the long run, it all comes back to you two. And you two will be accountable both to men and God on whatever the consequences come out of your choices.

16. Make your expectations and intentions for the relationship known from the word go.
Friendships, friendzones and "just friends" are three very different things. Know where you fall before trying to yell at one another. Talk about what you expect from each other in the relationship. Is it just a friendship with no marriage in the vicinity? Or a friendship with focus on marriage? Or an open relationship? (By the way, what, in this world, is an open relationship?)

17. Long distance relationships need to be handled with care.
Of all relationships, these are the most brittle. They need discipline, a higher level of trust and understanding, patience, openness etc. (One mistake and everything goes tumbling out of control.) If you can't manage the challenges that come with a long distance relationship, don't allow your heart to stumble into one! Please, don't.

18. Define a few roles for each person in the relationship and the reason for the relationship by using the following guide questions:

(a) Why am I in this relationship?
(b) How am I supposed to behave or treat the other person in this relationship? and
(c) What is my role in this relationship? What are my responsibilities?
I think the place we fail most is here. It also ends up messing up our marriages: everyone is expected to do everything or to do nothing. Then, BOOM!! blame games and fights arise.

19. Don't be foolish enough to allow your past relationship/s to ruin your present one.
Leave the past into the past. Only bring it up IFF necessary. Loudly comparing your present bae with your past one is a real recipe for disaster. If you wanna go back into the past, why are you here? Huh?

20. Only discuss the challenges in your relationship with someone you both completely trust.
Or it will bring in another problem again: gossip. Or stale advice. Or mistrust. Or communication blackouts. Or lack of openness. Or strife. Or blame games...

Yes people, I'm using the above to work on my relationship. I hope you'll be working on yours too.

Bonface Morris.