Relationships: Is There Lust in Your Relationship? This May Help.

There are things we Christians in relationships and marriages rarely talk about yet they are the very things that are at the root of breakups and divorces. One of them is lust.

Is lust giving you sleepless nights?

Dictionary.com defines lust as "an intense sexual desire or appetite"

As far as we know, it comes in two forms:

1. Lusting over your boyfriend/girlfriend.
2. Lusting over another person that you're not in a relationship with (whether single or married).

This has sent us thinking: how many saved people (both married and unmarried) will say they have never struggled with lust? Two percent? One percent? None!?

Here is a small illustration we'll use: if you read Judges 1:28-36, you'll realize that the Israelite tribes conquered the promised land but did not completely chase out the Canaanites. They experienced partial victory. That was not God’s plan for them, it is something they decided for themselves and which they became comfortable with.

We think it's the same thing most of us in relationships do with lust: we conquer it partially, become comfortable around it, and allow it to keep on living in us. In this way, lust keeps waiting to erupt at any time when given chance. The sexual desires trap us and make us helpless leaving us VERY vulnerable to sexual sin. 

Because of this, we consider that the only way to overcome lust is to strive to conquer over it completely.

Note: Just to make it clear, my girlfriend and I have not completely overcome lust, but we are somewhere. We'll declare victory over it as young people after marriage maybe, but just not yet. It is an on-going battle that God helps us overcome one day at a time. We had struggled with it for awhile, and we saw that it was leading us into a pit. (Yeah, we just want you to notice that this relationship over here is not as perfect as you may think - that it is God who sustains us.) We have been tempted several times, but God is faithful. Also, we are talking about this in the present continuous tense so that you understand that it's something that is ongoing and that even in marriage, people still struggle with lust (they just pretend they don't, but they do). Lust has no boundaries; it's just a different kind though when people get married.

Therefore because our relationship is very familiar with lust, and we have managed to do something about it - and are still improving on what we are doing - I'll show you what we have done that might just help you guys.

Here is what we have done:

1.      Intentionally drawing near to God.

If there are fights that have been endless in our relationship, they have been fights on both ends of how intentional we are with God. We realized this: if only one person is REALLY serious and committed to God and the other is simply playing games with Him, the imbalance will cause the less committed person to be often used by the devil as an agent of his traps. It is as plain as that, and people who think being unequally yoked is a good idea should thoroughly read between the lines. This is because the "less serious" person will continually be a catalyst for trouble: a source of all kinds of sexual trouble.

So to save the day, you both need to DO SOMETHING about your spiritual growth. Grow. Grow separately, grow together. Simply grow. Grow in God. That’s the best thing you can ever do for your relationship: intentionally growing together spiritually, morally and emotionally.

2.      Make a commitment to each other that sex (or even the thought of having it) is not an option.  

Lust and sex are two sides of the same coin. To kill one, you have to annihilate the other. There needs to be a law (or whatever you call it) about sex not being an option. Someone will be tempted to want to break it (that law). Someone will be tempted to edit it. You'll even edit it once in awhile thinking that there is no harm to it. But let us promise you something here: the first edition on the law will lead to a second edition, then a third one, and before you know it, sex will be knocking at your door so ferociously that you just may not be able to deny it entry.  

We are trying to be careful here, and there are so many things tagged to it: guarding the things you say, sieving through the places you are in together etc. Christian relationships need boundaries and we need to set them. Boundaries on speech, boundaries that will ensure you don't fall into sexual temptation, boundaries on interactions with the opposite sex, boundaries on how long our hearts and eyes are allowed to linger on anything. Boundaries.  

The fight is still on. So dear LORD, help us.

3.      Sieve through what you watch (on TV, on the streets, on your PC, on your phone etc.)

Everything is not good for your soul, whether you're alone or with your beloved. (1 Corinthians 6:12, NIV) An example is when you watch programs, movies that sexually excite you. By now am sure you know what excites your body, so you may ignore it thinking: “we're not doing anything wrong, it's just on the screen”, but you have to understand that our imagination is very powerful and no one is safe from its traps. So be watchful, and guard yourselves from foreign material that may not be building you up. 

The apostle Paul says flee from sexual temptation (2 Timothy 2:22) and the best way to do that is through working out our faith with fear and trembling and regarding everything as dung in order to gain Christ, the hope of glory.

4.      Guard yourself against unprofitable friendships.

The friends we have determine a lot what we will become in the future.

Immature friends in spiritual vitality and the unsaved (and it is good that you have such friends too because that’s what we are in this world for) need to be given boundaries on what they may throw our way in terms of discussions. This is because these groups of friends may not see anything wrong with discussing topics of sexual nature with vulgar language and dangerous sexual intonations. The questions we should ask even as we talk about such matters with them are:

a)      With what intention do they talk about it?

b)      How do you feel when you hear them talk about it? (Is it sexually provoking your imagination?)

c)      Can you join in in the conversation, or will it make you uncomfortable?

If you can answer these questions and be okay with the answers, then you may be on the right track to talk about lust and sex freely with them.

5.      Talk about it with your boyfriend/girlfriend.

OMG! This is the biggest problem in Christian relationships (we think). If I were to ask you when you last talked about sex with your partner, what would you say? Last year? 2 years ago? Never!? Here, everyone is trying to be so good and holy (especially during this period people call courtship - we have our own views on courtship anyway) that they cannot openly talk to each other about sex. I think it's what makes most Christian relationships weird and plastic. Let's confess it: we have made Christian relationships empty and meaningless to the world either by pretending we don't struggle with some things or by avoiding talks about them altogether.

Here is what we recommend: talk about it. Talk about lust, and talk about sex together. Talk about how you both feel about lust and sex. Talk about your sexual desires (if present or not) and strategize ways to help each other overcome them. Unless you tell the other person that by doing this or that they're causing you to head in the wrong direction, you will move in cycles of lust and sex all the length of your relationship and probably into your marriage. So talk about it.

Lastly,

6.      Pray about it.

There is nothing God can't do. Really. You two may have taken the right path, done the right things and set the right boundaries but lust keeps popping up it's nasty head quite so often. You may even have fasted (oh yeah, our relationship has proved that fasting without DOING SOMETHING about the thing that should be corrected is actually useless) but to no avail.

Don't give up yet. Pray. Pray for one another. Pray against lust and sexual sin. Pray that the Holy Spirit fills both of you with the right desires whenever you meet, that you'll still reflect Christ even in the most secret parts of your relationship.  

There is nothing God can't do, and because He created us with desires (which are good desires by the way - they just need to be directed wisely and at the right time) He is the only One who may have have an idea on how to "switch" them on/off. He can take away the unseasonable thirsting and replace it with good and balanced desires.

Isn't it God who once asked Jeremiah, "Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for Me?" (Jeremiah 32:27, ESV). He can master over our flesh. He can do all things. Trust Him. Trust Him with the affairs and difficult parts of your relationship.  

Also, pray with/for your friends. That way, God can also help them as He helps you overcome it.

Conclusion

Read this post with this reminder at the back of your mind: Morris and his girlfriend have not made it yet, but we are helping each other head in the right direction. You're not alone in this fight, so don't fight alone. May the LORD help us.

Proverbs 27:17 (ESV) "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."

Alice Ogutu and Bonface Morris.