Marriage Prep: Notes And Lessons

Side Note: My girlfriend is picking out lessons and making notes from various sources (and from Scripture) on marriage. We are not claiming that she knows anything or everything (we actually know very little - and almost nothing - about marriage, so any married person reading this should get off their high horse at least for the time being), but that she is choosing to share what she is learning along the way. She is simply sharing her findings. And as I said here before, I am allowing her to have a voice on this blog and express what she is learning… If her voice becomes loud enough (read: consistent), she might just get her own blog. (Come on, a lady is gotta fly, no?)

So here is the first part of the various sentiments and lessons she's picking up along the way that she feels may help us guys in relationships. I know it is helping ours, so we guess it may add value to yours too. Also, if you haven't done it yet, please read her first blog in this series of posts here. There, you will find links to both her Facebook profile and her Google+ which you may use to say "Hi!" to her.

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Marriage prep: notes and lessons

For we young people that are called to be children and servants of our Father and of Lord Jesus Christ, relationships, courtship and marriage mean quite a lot of things to us. (By the way my boyfriend claims that the word "courtship" is highly overrated by we Christians, but that's a discussion for another day.) To some, relationships, courtship and marriage mean the whole world to them, while to others it's just another part of life.

From my observations, I have come to understand that some of us get into relationships for very selfish reasons. Mostly, these reasons do not fulfill the will of God for our lives and that is why our relationships end up being pain-zones instead of refocus-and-refreshment zones. I am not claiming that I am now perfect as far as the "why" to get into a relationship is concerned, but that I identify with these mistakes because I have made them before.

From what I am learning, most of us don’t know that relationships and marriage are a calling, a service to God, because it is through a good relationship and a good marriage that a servant of God can also carry out what is expected of them in that area of life.

I will be sharing with us the various things I am learning from various good sources about relationships and marriage. I hope that you will not see me as the expert writer but as a conduit, a channel, through which such information is being conveyed. 

First, let us review the meaning of some very important words that are going to come up in these posts;

Relationship - the dictionary definition of this word is a state of connectedness between people, especially an emotional connection.

Dating – the dictionary definition of this word is a form of regular romantic courtship between two individuals. Now, I don’t really fancy the way this word is used in secular systems because it is so selfish in itself. (Although it actually hold good meaning in and and of itself.) Most of us use it to cover our true motives which are having fun, and pretend to want to know people without the actual intention of marriage.

Marriage – the definition of this is a close and intimate union between a man and a woman.

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Now, I just came to know of this about most relationships, even the one that I was in when I was 18 years old: that they (including Christian relationships) have a tendency of not demonstrating the love of God and His will for a relationship between the opposite sexes. We have these relationships because of our selfish reasons (only wanting to receive) and our ungodly nature. I am learning that as Christians, our relationships with the opposite sex should always be with the intention of marriage. If you’re in a relationship, you are courting or are dating - whichever you like - I am learning that we better deeply rethink the real reason as to why we are doing so. 

Here is a good place to begin at when trying to figure out if we are doing the right thing or not: we should ask ourselves "Why am I in this relationship?" or "Why do I really need a relationship?"

I know with this you may say, "I have a job, I live on my own, I make good and enough money to support a family..." among many other reasons. 
All these reasons and others that you have may all be valid, and I don’t seek to dispute them, but I want to highlight those that would make me question whether I am there yet. Here are the few things that I have been told we need to have in order to consider ourselves ready for a relationship and later, marriage;

1. A personal unaided relationship with God

Men are called to be the head of the family (so I'm learning), therefore, men need to have a personal relationship with God in order to lead and love in the right way. Women too need to have a personal relationship with the Lord in order to learn the way of submission and how to love both their boyfriends and future husbands. 
This (having a personal unaided relationship with God) doesn't mean that when you get in a relationship, or you start courting or dating or when you get married that you should forget the essentials of brotherhood (having fellowship with your fellow brethren in church, going to church or praying together), but that your relationship with God should be able to stand when all these other people are not with you. This is because, even after marriage, you will still need to worship, read God's Word and pray as individuals and/or as partners. 

According to 2 Chronicles 24:1-2 and 24:17-18, let us not be like King Joash who was very enthusiastic and ready to serve God only when the priest Jehoiadah was alive. He served God to his best all the days of the priest but when Jehoiadah died, he listened to the princes of Judah and forgot the God of his fore-fathers; he even went to the extent of worshiping idols and groves.

Someone has said that if we as women do not have a good relationship with God, then how will we apply it in our relationships with our boyfriends or husbands? How will we know the roles that we have to play in the eyes of God? I am learning that we have at many times misinterpreted Scripture when it says that we should submit to our husbands (I don't have a husband yet, but you get the point). Some of us just want to apply this Scripture by twisting it to fit our selfish desires. 

2. Devotion to God’s purpose in the context of marriage

1 Peter 3:1-7, Ephesians 5:21-26

I am learning that husbands are called to be head of their homes, and to love their wives as Christ loves the church. They are called to lay down their lives for their wives. Wives are to submit to their husbands as the church submits to Lord Jesus. 
Note: You hear me talk a lot about submission because, from my studies, it seems to be the main bone of contention in marriages... (Again, married people should help us understand what this is all about.) Also, an argument I am still trying to figure and argue out is: how then do ladies and young men fulfill God's will (of love and submission) in a normal relationship between two unmarried young people? I got part of the answer here though, but I would wish married people to expound on it further.

3. Knowledge and application of Scripture

How well do we understand the Word of God and how do we interpret it and apply it in our lives? This is very crucial. Deuteronomy 17:18-20 sets an example for men and describes them as an authority influenced by God's law. 
Note: What I am also trying to wrangle with here is: does this mean that in the home it is their way or the highway?

4. To have a Christ-like character

The character of Christ is perfect, yet we are not perfect, so how do we go about being like Christ? This can be achieved through letting the Holy Spirit with His gifts and fruit transform us (Galatians 5). How will we learn to be forgiving and understanding at all times with other people as Christ was and still is with us if we don’t let God’s will to prevail? Romans 12:1-2 says that (paraphrase) when we conform to the nature and image of Christ, we change who we are and eventually what we do. 

5. Labor

A man who is not ready to work should not eat; this is what Paul teaches in 2 Thessalonians 3:10-12, so you should be ready to work and save in order to provide for your family.

Proverbs 10:5, 13:4, 13:22, 28:19, 21:17 also supports this.

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After saying that, let me also add that I have learnt that marriage is a school on its own. It's a mystery that cannot be unveiled in a few statements. We actually have known so little and have a very small revelation of what marriage actually means to God: the totality of what He thought/thinks when He creates a marriage. 

Here are the few things I have picked up concerning marriage and God's perspective on the same. God brings two people in holy matrimony for these reasons (there may be more);

1. To raise up a godly heritage for the Lord.

God has major concerns for the institution of marriage and that is why He wants His children not to go around breaking the hearts of His other children, be it His sons or daughters. In Genesis 1:28, God tells man that he should be fruitful and multiply, this mean only when we are married can we bring up children, and if we are not upholding the will of God, then how will the children grow up to be godly? 

This is also seen in Genesis 18:19, "…that he will command his children and household after him and they shall keep the way of the Lord." Though God says that we should be fruitful, we ought to do it under His will, in accordance with His Word so that we do not stray away and fulfill our own desires. So why should you commit to being in a relationship that you don’t wanna raise a godly heritage for God in marriage?

2. To demonstrate the Father’s (God's) love to His children.

John 1:12 says, "but to all who have received Him- those who believe in His name- he has given the right to become God’s children."

I am being taught that we are called to the service of our God in marriage, to demonstrate His unconditional love to His children (our spouses). The apostle John says that we are God’s children for we have accepted Him in our lives. Now, again, I pose a question: if you’re not ready to love another person as God loves them, is there a reason for you to be in that relationship?

God loved us in our sinful nature with all our imperfections and made us whole with his love, you should be ready to love the other person with all their weaknesses and faults.

3. In order to conform to the nature of Christ

Romans 8:28-29, 12:2.

Someone has taught me that the reason which we fail to see - or choose not to see - is that marriage is a calling, a service to God, and like any other calling, we have to give ourselves away so that we can be used by/of Him. This therefore means that we have to conform to the nature of Christ in order to do His will. God foreknew us, predestined us to be conformed to the image of Christ. I know you may ask how this happens; well, Jesus is patient with us, He waited for us to accept Him on our own and He did not force himself on us, likewise we should be patient, loving and caring towards others as Christ is with His church.

Final Note
Am learning this whole marriage stuff because I believe that am gonna be a wife someday, so this for me is just preparation. I want to know what God wants me to do when I’ll finally enter this covenant. I am not some “holy” person, but am working and trying to be more like Christ. I want to know my duties as a wife and my roles in my husband’s life, and who better to teach me than God Himself. Allow Him to teach you how to do it and be it.

Key Reference

Are You Ready for A Relationship? – a teaching by Paul Washer

Alice Ogutu.