Relationship Blues Part 2: Understanding Conflict In Relationships

Understanding Conflict In Relationships

There is usually quite a fuss about the occurrence and the role of conflict in relationships.

Hey! If you haven't read the first part in this series of blogs, read it here: Relationship Blues Part 1: Do You Really Want that Breakup?

There is a group of us who think that healthy relationships should NEVER have conflict and so we live all our lives trying to avoid them or trying to pretend that they don't exist.

Then there are some of us who reiterate that conflict and relationships (any kind of relationship) are indispensable. We live with the gnashing reality that at they are here to stay.

Either way, conflict does exist; or at least, is thought to exist. Everywhere. It exists everywhere: in churches, in homes, in schools, in families, in institutions and organisations, in the government, within minds, in relationships... everywhere.

The only place where conflict doesn't occur is in Heaven.

This blog will seek - in a rather simple manner - to help the reader understand HOW and WHY conflict occurs in romantic relationships. Every other thing about conflict in relationships can be addressed elsewhere or in another blog, God willing.

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Google defines conflict as "a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one" or "an incompatibility between two or more opinions, principles, or interests." (Google App)

As in many romantic relationships (including mine), conflict exists when of one of the two people in the relationship, both of them or a third party causes a disagreement or argument or an incompatibility in opinions, principles, or interests. It may be intentional or not; and it may be an afterthought, well-calculated, premeditated or not. (Even this - the very thought of it being construed to be intentional or impromptu - may be a source of conflict.) Conflict therefore can happen to anyone, anywhere and it is known to be one of the major causes of breakups and divorce.

Most romantic relationships tackle it by either trying to avoid it or feed it. They do it in many ways as I'll show us below. But in the end, you'll realize that almost all disagreements and conflicts in relationships are due to an imbalance in three things: how each partner shows passion, intimacy and commitment to the other person in the relationship. Almost all conflict in relationships rises and falls within these three things.

It is obvious that men and women think differently about conflict and they both react differently to a given set of stimuli - stimuli in this case being conditions that bring conflict. However, without understanding that the underlying issues that cause conflict are hidden in these three (passion, intimacy and commitment) as viewed differently by both parties, it becomes harder to try and tackle conflict and the why questions that arise when conflict hits the relationship.

Take for instance an argument over money between two people in a relationship. The lady may argue that the guy is not spending enough on her, that he is stingy; or that he spends too much on himself, on his friends or on many other "useless" things and therefore ends up forgetting about her. In retaliation, the guy may either hit back at her by telling her that she doesn't really deserve it or that she never spends her money on him either or he may just keep quiet in order to avoid quarreling.  

In such a case, would you say that the underlying issue is money/finances? No. 

Why? Because how one uses money is always a matter of priority and what he cares for most. Which according to our three major causes of conflict lies between how intimate the two are (how close they are to each other and care about each other's needs) and how committed they are to making the other one happy. Money is just exposing these two loopholes in the relationship.

Even when it comes to men complaining about emotionally immature ladies and ladies complaining about irresponsible men, the underlying issues are intimacy, passion and commitment. 

Now, let us look at these three for a minute and how they seem to be what conflicts revolve around.

1. Passion
Passion is defined as determination or a deep interest in something. The lack of passion leads to at least a few of the following issues which are a major cause of conflict: absentmindedness, forgetfulness, lack of support, lack of care, diminishing agreeableness, lack of sharing about future plans for the relationship etc. People who are passionate about their relationship tend to do the opposite of what I've listed above.

2. Intimacy 
Intimacy is defined as a feeling or an atmosphere of closeness and openness towards someone else.

Conflict that comes as a lack of intimacy in a relationship is revealed in the following; lack of attention, lack of affection and acts of affection, lack of interest in one another, verbal abuse and cruel words, physical abuse, manipulation, lack of honesty, lack of knowing the other person deeply, less quality time spent together, unquenchable anger and rage, frustration, men throwing in "the man card" and women insisting on affirmative action, lack of tenderness, lack of compliments and affirmation, lack of apologizing, competition, rigidity and lack of flexibility in decision-making, lack of romance e.t.c.


3. Commitment
Commitment is defined as the trait of sincerity and focused purpose. Lack of commitment will lead to; lack of trust, disrespect, affairs/unfaithfulness, lack of exclusivity, irresponsible behavior, irresponsible use of resources and time, misuse of finances, lies, lack of keeping promises, unprecedented jealousy, jumpiness, spiritual dryness, procrastination, misplaced priorities e.t.c.

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We now notice that in order to understand conflict, we need to sieve through our relationship problems by categorizing them in these three groups. Maybe then we'll get a way to solve them. 

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That's all for now, guys.

Let's continue this talk later.


Bonface Morris.