Soulmate? What Soulmate?

A few years ago, while still squirming in my naivety, I could only believe that a person falls in love once; and with only one person. 

I was right: a person only falls in love once - but with one person at a time. 

Yes, only one person at a time. Falling in love with two people at the same time ni kuchanganyikiwa, while falling in love with even more people at the same time ni tamaa tu.  

I know that when I say a person can only fall in love with one person at a time, some of y'all who're used to messing around with the word LOVE think, "...aaah but so and so makes me feel butterflies in my stomach even when I do well know that I'm currently in a SERIOUS relationship with so-and-so!" 

Oh yes, they do. They make you feel butterflies because you are careless with your heart and are not entirely serious about the person you're currently "dating". Because if you were serious, you wouldn't tolerate such a kind of nonsensical emotional cheating. You tolerate thinking about being in a relationship with another person when you're already in a relationship because you love cheating and are not ready to pay the price that comes with true love. True love sticks with one person no matter what. 

Okay, after that short (and almost out of topic) ranting, let's move on from where I left kwa third paragraph... 

So who is a soulmate? 
The original/traditional definition of soulmate from the Merriam-Webster dictionary is;
1. a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament or 
2. a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs (ideological soulmates).

The above definitions are alright and if that's what anyone you know refers to when referring to soulmates, it sounds alright with me. 

There's nothing wrong with being in a relationship with "a person who's perfectly suited for me in temperament" or "a person who strongly resembles me in attitude and beliefs". That's a good thing. We all want that, don't we? 

In fact, God put us on earth and assigned to us in our various locations "people who perfectly suit our temperaments, attitudes and beliefs." There is nothing wrong with that. 

Acts 17:26 (ESV)
"And He (God) made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place..."

But here is where the problem creeps in with this whole soulmate issue... 

The current pop culture - which has an inherent addiction to narcissism - seems to support so much this idea of there being only ONE PERSON "who is perfectly suited to another in temperament" and whom one can have a meaningful relationship with. They call that person a soulmate too. 

Notice: 
Notice the difference between our first original definition from Merriam-Webster which refers to a soulmate as "any person who is perfectly suited for me..." and New Age/modern/pop definitions below which call a soulmate "the only person who is perfectly suited for me..."

Let's look at some popular websites that redefine who a soulmate is and how they move it away from the traditional meaning.

Note the following definitions; 

1. The Urban Dictionary follows a rather New Age definition of soulmate (somewhat scary actually). It defines a soulmate as... 
... a perfect eternal lover that fate brings into your life. They are a being or soul, an equal, deeply intertwined into your soul in a romantic way. They become your best friend, and contribute and sacrifice on your behalf. Some believe that your soulmate exists infinitely and is a manifestation of the universe's power. Your soulmate is irreplaceable. They can find your soul in our universe even if you're light years away and in another lifeform. Every soul has a soulmate that offers powerful love energy, it's an equal exchange. It is not always possible for your soulmate to spend this life time with you, there may be reasons. There are other ways your soulmate will connect with you regardless, like a guardian angel. Your soul is conjoined with theirs. Read the full definition here.

2. In this article at foreverconscious.com, the reader is likely to get confused by how these guys are trying to differentiate between a soulmate and a life partner. 
In short, their definition goes something like this: 
A soulmate is someone who is aligned with your soul and is sent to challenge, awaken and stir different parts of you in order for your soul to transcend to a higher level of consciousness and awareness. Once the lesson has been learnt, physical separation usually occurs.
A life partner is a companion, a friend, a stable and secure individual who you can lean on, trust and depend on to help you through life. There is a mutual feeling of love and respect and you are both in sync with each others needs and wants.

3. Here, (click to read) the Huffpost (yes, the Huffpost) declares the following in the first paragraphs of the article before delving later into showing us how having a soulmate feels like;
A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are.
Soulmates are the epitome of love and partnership. 
Not just anyone can fulfill you the way your soulmate can. There’s a world of a difference between your soulmate, your heart’s other half and a life partner — a person who lacks the elements to mold perfectly to you. Your soulmate makes you feel entirely whole, healed and intact, like no piece is missing from the puzzle. A life partner, on the other hand, can be a great supporter and long-time companion, but is limited in his or her capacity to enrich your spirit.

From the above modern/pop definitions, it is now indisputable that soulmates are the MOST SOUGHT AFTER THING in relationships today - especially with the notion that if you don't meet this ONE PERSON you are meant to fall in love with, your relationship life will be forever ruined, or that without them, you'll never ever ever ever ever ever reach your (relationship) life's full potential. 

People are obsessed with finding that ONE PERSON that is "fine-tuned" to their desires and liking, because modernity has fooled them into thinking that this person is their EVERYTHING. They earnestly seek for this non-existent person because they fear "missing out on the best relationship life ever."

Yes, it's true that when God created you, He had in mind a certain person that would suit you as a life partner (as we noted above), but we have no reason to think that there is only one person in the whole creation that fits that bill. Depending with how well you interact with people, you are likely to fall in love and be totally compatible with different people in different seasons of life all the time. If you open your heart wide enough, you will. 

The war of love is when you choose to stick with one person and overlook every other. Love is a choice. 

Another important thing to note as we continue with this discussion on soulmates is this: if we stick to the original, archaic definition of a soulmate, it ain't a bad thing, it's what we all need in a person we are relating with; but if we switch over to the refined modern/pop definition, a soulmate becomes a spiritual thing with New Age connotations and dangerous relationship exploration: ladies like the one in 50 Shades of Grey will stick with a violent person just because some twisted mind told them that that person was their soulmate. It almost as if someone would rather die than lose this person. That's really lame. 

And with that I'm mind, my conclusion below shows why I am against the modern definition of soulmates and why I would wish you as my reader to see this as a genuine reason to be against it too; 

1. Modern soulmates make the "lover" selfish.
If you want something this bad and this perfect, you better be perfect and ready too; and accept it when we call you selfish or self-centered. You are only thinking of yourself, and that's what selfish people do. 

2. Modern soulmates make us idolize relationships and people. 
The many characteristics given to the modern soulmate are attributes that only belong to God i.e. ability to bring wholeness and satisfaction to a person. 

3. Modern soulmates encourage manipulation in relationships.
If the so-called soulmate is discriminatory, the other party may suffer in silent. 

4. The idea of modern soulmates makes us think that love is not a choice but a staged episode in life. It lies to us that falling in love is a matter of fate. 
With soulmates, love is not an adventure full of risks and choices but a run into a limited fairyland.

5. Modern soulmates disapprove love as defined and ordained by God. 
God is love. We get to love others by loving and knowing Him and vice versa. He is the ultimate source and example of true sacrificial love. The modern soulmate puts love into an arena of fate where one can neither control the "how" or "why" of falling in love. 

6. Modern soulmate relationships are fueled by fear and lack of trust in God. 
It seems never meeting this soulmate means living in constant fear that one's love life can never be successful. 

So, friend, whenever someone talks about soulmates, be sure to ask them which one they're talking about.. 


Bonface Morris.