Note:
- This post is exclusively a reply to some questions asked by a faithful reader. (Remember that I am here to serve people, and without you guys, I ain’t doing nothing.)
- When this blog mentions relationships or marriage, it is always between a male/man and a female/a woman.
First things first
though...
Relationships are
a good thing. Although I am not in one (for reasons well known to myself than
to anyone out there), I can confidently confess that they are a good thing. And
although many of you are opposed to me writing two-relationships-related-blogs
out of every five or so, I will not shy from telling you (yes, you who thinks
that I should talk more about God
than I talk about relationships – as if good relationships are not part of the
good stuff that God has planned for us) that I am doing this for guys out here
– guys who need what I write... Pick out what feeds you from the blog, and leave the rest to those who feel that that is their stuff.
Good. Let’s now
move on…
There is a very
thin line between a good perspective on relationships and a bad one – I have
been in one so I can tell you better. People enter into relationships for all
the reasons in any book ever written. Some have twisted ones, while others are
on point; also well-intended relationships can turn out bad at any time and in
any place and for reasons I don’t somehow know. (I don’t have to anyway.) It
happens.
Some of the
reasons that cause people to get into relationships are listed below;
a)
Peer pressure – this is where one feels
that they are being left out because all their friends are in working relationships and/or are getting
married. They therefore get into a relationship to appease the pressure and seem
to be “having a life too”.
b)
Societal or parental pressure – when
parents and society (church, work place etc) want to see a wife or a husband “from
you”, you get into the trouble of
acquiring one “before time runs out”; and so that you may be seen as the
“son/daughter that always listens to his elders.”
c)
Age – the older a man or woman gets, the
more he/she puts pressure on himself/herself to get into a relationship –
without caring about whether it is a good
one or not. (Define ‘good’ in this statement the same way God defines it.)
d)
Chance – this is where people bump into
others and start feeling that they
should hook up. This is never
pre-planned. And yeah, it may be lame but a good number of relationships have
been birthed in this way.
e)
At the right time and for the right reasons – this explains itself. Although I don’t have the right definition of
what “the right time” is, I can tell you that the right reasons do not involve
any of the above.
So, for whatever
reason, after one has gotten into a relationship, demands start creeping in. These
demands are as common as air to everyone. You cannot escape them once you get into
one. You only have two options while dealing with them: face them (where you
win or lose), or run away from them (where you are also likely to win or lose.)
 |
| Two people on a beach date. |
Now, listen,
depending on why you got into the relationship, this is where things
start breaking apart or falling together.
If you got into
one for the sake of adventure and then the adventure vanishes, you are likely
to fall out. If you got in with commitment in mind, you will work on the
differences that arise between the two of you. If you got in in order to “suckle” your partner of the
various benefits they are freely offering, you will fall out once they get
finished. If you didn’t know what you were doing or were not sure/careful about
your choice and timing, you start realizing that this stuff ain’t some kind of a joke. If you got into this thing due to
attraction and wealth, you start realizing that there is more to a relationship
than good looks and a good pocket. Lust and the greed for a good life are
momentary. Reality is eternal. True. If a dude/chiq
dates because a chiq/dude is haaawwwt or only because he/she dresses
well, or only because he/she is figuring out that they are gonna have sweet babies in the future, wait until
reality creeps in and overwhelms the swag
and looks. He/she will vomit right into the other’s face! (Literally.)
In summary, when reality
starts trickling in, you start seeing things you wain’t seeing before. This is
where you start confessing things like, “I
am not good at relationships” or “I
think we need some time apart” or “Give
me some time to think this thing over
and come back to you…” or “I think I
am not good for you” or “Why do you
love me this much?” and so forth and so on… You also start questioning what
you know about somebody or the whole hullabaloo that is love in relationships.
You doubt if you were mature enough to get into a relationship (something that
happened to me sometimes back.) You doubt whether you can hold such a relationship for the long run. Yeah,
reality starts popping its head so menacingly that you wonder where it had been
all this time.
When you get to
this point, you are now getting your consciousness back and it is here that you
will decide to hang in there and make whatever decision you make work. In whatever
way it can be made to work, you will make it work. True story.
Here are some of
the things you are likely to do;
- You may decide to reduce the relationship to dating status – where you have less commitment to each other (which is by the way emotionally draining and a real fire-dragon in the hiding) or break away, hoping that the other party will understand why you chose to do whatever you did (this has also happened to me before). The problem is that they never actually do understand that **** (you know the word I would have put here. *smiles*). Or you may also choose to hang in there with a spirit of commitment and bear the blunt of immaturity – believe me you that this will cost you your heart, your mind, your pocket and your will. (Be ready for a war that you are assured never to win.)
- You start analyzing things about your better half more keenly than you were doing before. You start seeing ghosts that “were not there in the beginning” – ghosts you had ignored. You start mimicking, and ranting, and heckling, and giving out silent drills… You start observing other relationships (mostly your friends’) and asking questions. You start reading blog posts like this and bookmarking them so that you may come back and read em again. You start wanting something better for the two of you. Why? Because you really wanna get information on how to keep your partner and grow your relationship. Because you DO care and you do not want to lose your relationship.
Now, if you are in
love at this point, life may become a little bit bearable; but woe to you if
you are still waiting for the other party to love you! You are doomed! You are
doomed because any relationship that is one-sided is dangerous to your health.
I say it again: a one-sided relationship - one where only one party cares to
grow and nurture the relationship while the other loathes effortlessly – is
unhealthy.
 |
| A relationship is like a seed: it needs to be nurtured in order to grow in a healthy way. |
Okay, putting
aside the slothfulness, allow me to assume that both of you are on the same
page – that you both want the relationship to grow. This is what is likely to
happen;
a)
Both of you start asking questions about each other and are deeply
concerned about what is happening in each other’s lives. You ask about them with intensity and in a cherishing way. You tend
to confess to each other things that none of your friends (or family members) knows
about both of you. You start unleashing your deepest fears to each other, about
plans, personalities, likes, dislikes etc. You may now be starting to know a
few of their friends, where they work, what they study, their inner passions,
their hobbies; you may talk about a few members of your families, you start
calling each other nicknames etc. The relationship now goes from typical dating to intimacy or what Christians like I may start wanting to call the first stages of courtship.
b)
You become mad at each other more often than ever before. This indicates that while you are so much trying to sync your two distinct/different
personalities, it is not that easy to achieve a common ground. You will express
your dislike about the other person’s behaviors in a manner you can’t do to
another person – erratic and sometimes unconventional. They will rant about
your egocentrism/self-centeredness and selfishness. (By the way, I just
realized the other day that almost all women think that all men are selfish. It may be true. Okay, I will leave that to
your judgment.)
“Why all the indifference?” you may ask. Because you are now starting to somehow own them, and
they, you. You will experience a certain deep hatred for this person and
towards certain things/behavior in their lives, yet you will still love them
deeply in a way you don’t even understand. They are things you may feel
uncomfortable to tell them about you for now – like your finances and future
plans for both of you. And it is normal to steal away some secrets about you –
so long as they won’t hurt the relationship in the long run.
Note: Always leave a certain mystery about youself. Being TOO predictable
is relationship killer. Also oversharing too early in a relationship can be
dangerous as you may be perceived to be too revealing. Mystery is adventure,
and everyone loves adventure, so use it to your own advantage.
But note that secrets like if you have had a child before or if you
(or your family) have a chronic ailment/disease or not, should never be kept
secret beyond this stage, or it may end up very
very very bad – and you will not like it.
c)
You start wanting to know where the relationship is headed. You start questioning their commitment to what you both share. You
start wanting to know why they talk to so-and-so in the way they do. You start
becoming jealous - really jealous and territorial. (This was, in the past,
reserved for women but presently, it is slowly streaming into dudes too. O,
whatever happened to men! LQTM). If your partner is trying to play cool, and they are not trying to make lots of noise about you openly flirting
with other guys/chiqs (if you have this bad behavior), smell trouble. Smell
lots of trouble. It is possible that they may not be into it (the relationship)
or that they are really hurting deep inside but are shy to tell you about it.
d)
Feelings start bulging. You will start making
many confessions about the way you feel about them and they will reciprocate
the same. Compliments will start coming in like a flood. Calls, text messages, WhatsApps, DMs. Silence too. Yes,
silence too: silence because you are learning to mature and go beyond the “baby, I can’t do without you” cliché. You
want to learn to love each other but be independent of each other too. This
proves maturity. You may need to be careful at this stage because sin crouches
faster and rapidly here than at any point. You may (countless times) be tempted
to become touchier and to have sex. And to you, yes you, Christian lady/guy,
sex is a NO NO before marriage. I say it again, sex before marriage ain’t right
for two saved guys (or for anyone in that matter.) Follow this link and watch the resulting video on this page, then prove me wrong.
Now, after
realizing that you can work on your many differences, avoid some and tolerate
others, you may move into the next stage of courtship (or whatever you call it
– because I have just realized that it doesn’t matter what you call it but what
you do in that stage) and then the next one…
I think 2,000
words are enough for an answer that has been this blog…
Till next time,
Bonface Morris.
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