Happy Valentine's, My Love

My love, I always wonder how love works.
Really.
I thought I knew a bit about it before I got married, but after I married you, I keep on wanting to understand it.
Like I could wake up today, turn my head over and tell you, "Hey babe, I love you. Happy Valentine's!"
And you would smile.
And that smile would terrify me.

I may be tempted to think that by just saying so, it's enough.
That you'd feel you're loved.
That by saying so, everything in you would scream in the silence of understanding that I could die for you. That I could bring down a mere mountain for you.
But love keeps proving me wrong.
How well can a man REALLY tell a woman that she's loved?
Kill himself, perhaps?
*Sigh!*
Kill himself?
But after he's died who'd remain to show love?
Who would remain to declare to her and the world, "Hah! Y'all have seen that? Huh?!! I love her!! See?! See!? I loooove her!!"
Dead bodies do speak love but it's a silent, dark and gravy love.
Dead bodies die with love.

I think a woman like you would need the continuous caressing of words upon ear:
The symphony of sounds and the melody of words upon heart.
You would need me to tell you I love you.
Over and over and over and over and over and over again like an endless refrain.
Come-on, babe.
You would like it, right!?
I could write songs - because it's an art I'm conversant with - telling you sweet-somethings
You would want me to whisper it with a long hug
You would want me to hold you close in a tight embrace and probably say nothing for minutes...
Just swinging gently in silence while love dominates our hearts, bodies and minds...
You would want me to keep doing it over and over and over and over and over again
Because you ladies just never get tired of being told you're loved...

But would that make me a better lover, a better husband?
Maybe. Who knows?
But how could words alone without death to self prove that a woman is loved?
Words are sweet. I'll say them.
But my eyes and my heart are better: I'll say my words and I'll demand that you look into my eyes.
I'll demand that you look into my heart.
These two never lie.
And maybe I'll smile while at it so you see that my ka-tiny dimple. While at it.
And you'll smile back.
Then, maybe then, you'd know that my eyes and heart are only for you, my love.
The Lord has taught them not to lie.
So let it be.

Let me tell you something about what was happening inside me when I was marrying you, o little angel...
I was being selfish.
I know many men are selfish around their ladies but let me promise you that theirs is not like my kind of selfish.
My selfish is the advanced type.
The notorious type.
I say it again: yes, I was being selfish when I married you.
I wanted you for myself and for myself only.
What man wouldn't? What man wouldn't want you for himself?
But I can repent of my selfishness by twisting my desires in a different way before the Holy Throne of God Almighty;
And while whimpering in astute reverence I'd tell the Lord, "I wanted her for myself, but both of us for You"
He'll smile about it.
I know.

My selfishness also terrifies me.
Now, that's on the edge of things because in these few words, I've already mentioned two things that terrify me: your smile when I say, "I love you, darling" and my selfishness.
I really want you to understand that those two things have changed me.
Because when you smile, I melt... And when I'm selfish, I toughen up.
Yes, to be selfish enough and in a godly manner, I need to show you that I can handle my business when it comes to you.
Do you feel me?
I can't be selfish enough if I can't show you enough that you're loved and that I'm the only one that deserves you.
Well, wait-a-minute... Do I even deserve you?
O Lord, this is an overkill!

Look at me intensely here below and notice the overkill;

This was February last year.

Two months to our wedding.
I was excited about the very idea that a year back (in 2018), you had agreed to marry me.
I had done some churchboy engagement thingy which almost backfired (haha - this is a story for another day) but the sweetest of memories is that I was glad I wanted to marry you.
I wanted to marry someone I love and someone who loves me more than I love them.
Someone I'll be glad to die for because they'd be glad to die for me.
Someone who's my friend.
Someone who gets me.
Someone who doesn't tolerate my nonsense - because I got a lot of nonsense going on in and around me.
Someone who's got grit and ambition.
And guess what?
That someone was you.
That someone is you.

I knew you were special.
No! "special" is an understatement.
I know now that you're more special than I thought you were.
Your confidence and novelty amaze me.
And right there in that photo, as you folded your arms around me, that dreadlocks guy (what's his name again?) taking those photos and we moving and exchanging positions and smiling in the evening sun - that moment was unforgettable.
It is unforgettable.
That moment made me tell people "I'm going to marry her. We'll be one thing. Ukiongea ujinga kumhusu tutakosana."
I said this to the anger of many.
And I still say it again, "Mkiongea ujinga kuhusu wife yangu tutakosana".

And here we are today.
We don't want to be a "super couple", a "power couple", "couple goals" or any of that nonsense.
Not for now.
We've never wanted that.
We've never wanted the world to imagine that there's a perfectness to what we are.
That'd be a lie. And we don't love lies.
Lies don't befit something born of God.
Let's just be us. Let's do us.

We've had our moments.
We've had them all: the good, the bad, the ugly.
We don't have to prove a point.
Not to anyone. Not even to ourselves.
The journey is long, my love. The journey is long.
And you are not alone. I'm here with you. And God is with us.
Let's take one step at a time, my love. One step at a time.
I'm here with you. And the Lord is with us.
The Lord is with us.
I'll love you everyday...

Happy Valentine's, my love.

Morris 2.0

FYI, If you go to church on Sunday but love God everyday, you can as well celebrate Valentine's Day and love your partner everyday.