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| Happy Valentine's Day! |
It will act as a breathing spot for us, so let all ye people who are in relationships and all that bla bla bla stop reading this or, eeeeh, you may as well just read it for your painful merriment. I don’t really care. But to the single guys, it may just give you a leeway on how to deal with the Valentinemania.
This is how it it is likely to go;
The day is Thursday, 13th February, 2014. It is just one day (or just a few hours really) from the whacky Valentine’s Day. Everyone is already quoting empty love quotes all over the place - TV, radio, social media, blogs (where guys are heightening the madness of writing ‘letters’ to husbands or wives-to-be) are filled with all these empty quotes. Everything is just so sickening.
Well, but Morris, the lad with guts to challenge status quo has something in mind...
The following conversation (and scenes that follow) are happenings between him (*sic*) and his good friend Annabelle (a single lady actually).
These events occur in real time, in an undisclosed place, but in his mind...
Annabelle: Hi Morris, niajez za Valentines? Najua uko single, so hakuna haja ya kuanza ku.pretend ati ooh ooh nini... Hebu nishow your Valentine’s ideas this year kama msee ako single...
Morris: *Clears voice and feigns oblivion* Huh? Ati unasemaa?
Annabelle: Okay, I gerr it. I have to dig deeper. Tell me, you have a crush, right?
Morris: Yeah, let’s say so - that is if what a crush is to you is what a crush is to me.
Annabelle: Mhhhhh, that’s interesting... So what is a crush to you?
Morris: A crush is just that: a crush. They crush you. You gerr it? They convert you into some sort of plummy-pudding. They melt you. Yet they either don’t exist and/or if they do, you have neither met nor talked to them. Yeah, it is like that. It is like that with crushes.
Annabelle: Oh! We are on the same page now-o.
*Silence*
Annabelle: Okay, have you ever fallen in love before? Or, eeehh, are you somewhat in love currently?
At this point, Morris is tempted to give her an answer close to the one in a certain advert: “Come on dearie, love is for the quails!”, but he gathers his utmost etiquette and good Christian manners and tells her...
Morris: Yeah, something close to that.
Annabelle: Who was/is it? I mean, the mam’selle?
Me: Oooh, you really wanna know? Okay, lemme talk about the now and not the then. I don't even know her - my crush - if that is what you need clarification on. She exists only in my imagination and prayers, but you know what? I wanna date her on Valentine's. She is real to me. *Sic*
Annabelle: Aaaaaaaaw! Tell me about it.
Morris: Okay my dear. But be ready for a grenade, tonsils, a soap opera and a Kenyan-styled digital migration - all combined. Get ready for awesomeness. This is what I am planning:
Morris goes into a hyperbolic frenzy but with minimal extroversion of the contents therein...
Morris: You know that I am a lover of adventure, right? (Annabelle nodes her head) You know it. And I just don't gerr it how I can be missing out on all the fun on Valentine's Day. Oh no, I won’t. So my dear, this is what I am going to do today and tomorrow as I await my crush to bombard my petty life;
1. Culture an obsession for the red color
Thank God that my Airtel is already red - that is well catered for. I am happy about that. Another good thing is that my blood is always celebrating Valentines - red all the way! I'll stay around relaxed and (maybe) develop a liking for red stuff. I know she'll like it - my crush. I hear that red has a sense of romance and passion in/about it, and that red can awaken failing embers of life. So in that line of things, I may need a red bow tie, (or a red shirt), red candles, a red heart, red flowers and a red mind... Aaaaah! Even red air flying high with crimson fireflies! After that has been put in place, and I'm satisfied with the days' arrangements, I shall comb myself into the next step...
2. Learn the art of giving gifts
This is the next step in my line of plans.
At this point, Morris is tempted to give her an answer close to the one in a certain advert: “Come on dearie, love is for the quails!”, but he gathers his utmost etiquette and good Christian manners and tells her...
Morris: Yeah, something close to that.
Annabelle: Who was/is it? I mean, the mam’selle?
Me: Oooh, you really wanna know? Okay, lemme talk about the now and not the then. I don't even know her - my crush - if that is what you need clarification on. She exists only in my imagination and prayers, but you know what? I wanna date her on Valentine's. She is real to me. *Sic*
Annabelle: Aaaaaaaaw! Tell me about it.
Morris: Okay my dear. But be ready for a grenade, tonsils, a soap opera and a Kenyan-styled digital migration - all combined. Get ready for awesomeness. This is what I am planning:
Morris goes into a hyperbolic frenzy but with minimal extroversion of the contents therein...
Morris: You know that I am a lover of adventure, right? (Annabelle nodes her head) You know it. And I just don't gerr it how I can be missing out on all the fun on Valentine's Day. Oh no, I won’t. So my dear, this is what I am going to do today and tomorrow as I await my crush to bombard my petty life;
1. Culture an obsession for the red color
Thank God that my Airtel is already red - that is well catered for. I am happy about that. Another good thing is that my blood is always celebrating Valentines - red all the way! I'll stay around relaxed and (maybe) develop a liking for red stuff. I know she'll like it - my crush. I hear that red has a sense of romance and passion in/about it, and that red can awaken failing embers of life. So in that line of things, I may need a red bow tie, (or a red shirt), red candles, a red heart, red flowers and a red mind... Aaaaah! Even red air flying high with crimson fireflies! After that has been put in place, and I'm satisfied with the days' arrangements, I shall comb myself into the next step...
2. Learn the art of giving gifts
This is the next step in my line of plans.
Although there is a certain argument that I have been having in my mind about gifts, I am considering to keep it pending to allow Valentine's Day to flow in freely. This is the ultimate date my dear, and I am going to overrule those funny thoughts about gifts and embark on well-mannered gift-unleashing tendencies. I am going to learn to relentlessly give in to all weapons formed against my precious wallet by allowing them to prosper (I actually overheard this somewhere.) I am going to think #HighTech when unleashing my gift-sense on my crush: I am going to think Lillian, Mimi or Kung'ara. You know wharr um talking ‘bout!
Then I’ll sit down and pretend that it ain’t nothing and spoil her in the utmost sense of the word. Case closed.
3. Flowers
Oh my my my! Flowers! Damn fresh flowers! Red, velvety-soft, cute, and sweet-smelling things! O what I would do for their love! Maybe I should start the search now. Maybe tomorrow morning. Maybe. But I’ll need a strong flower sense in order to impress her.
Annabelle blushes...
This (the flower sense) will ensure that I am on top of my game come tomorrow. I am going to make my well rehearsed ninja moves on how I’ll present the gifts and flowers to her (to this non-existent lady), then smile and continue planning...
4. Get a next level music collection for the occasion
If you thought that we single guys don’t have a sense for romance attached to our core-most lives, baby you got it all wrong. You have it the other way round, buddy. You see, what I am going to do is this: You have heard of #SelfieOlympics, right? Oh yeah. I am gonna have my own selfie competition, right here in my diggs with the music playing in the background. Then I will take my best photo shoots (worthy of an Oscar actually) - the best you've ever seen as I DJ one playlist after another of this music and that... and, er, maybe take video selfies of my dance moves (again, do we have a name for that? For videos selfies?) Okay...
5. Prepare for whatever comes my way
Because I am still not sure if my crush will be here, I’ll need a few rehearsals on dealing with the “boom!” feeling that comes with her deciding to thin herself in the air. Ladies love surprises. I don’t. I don’t love surprises. And because of that, I am not going to tolerate being played dumb on such a beautiful day.
I want a beautiful and successful day, and if I am not going to have one, at least I can give it to myself. (That is actually law number two of singlehood.) So this is what I am going to do: if she won’t turn up (because this may just be but a dream), I’ll take all these stuff, make myself comfortable, keep dreaming (and praying if possible) and (at least) be happy that I did something for myself on Valentines.
*Silence.*
Then I’ll sit down and pretend that it ain’t nothing and spoil her in the utmost sense of the word. Case closed.
3. Flowers
Oh my my my! Flowers! Damn fresh flowers! Red, velvety-soft, cute, and sweet-smelling things! O what I would do for their love! Maybe I should start the search now. Maybe tomorrow morning. Maybe. But I’ll need a strong flower sense in order to impress her.
Annabelle blushes...
This (the flower sense) will ensure that I am on top of my game come tomorrow. I am going to make my well rehearsed ninja moves on how I’ll present the gifts and flowers to her (to this non-existent lady), then smile and continue planning...
4. Get a next level music collection for the occasion
If you thought that we single guys don’t have a sense for romance attached to our core-most lives, baby you got it all wrong. You have it the other way round, buddy. You see, what I am going to do is this: You have heard of #SelfieOlympics, right? Oh yeah. I am gonna have my own selfie competition, right here in my diggs with the music playing in the background. Then I will take my best photo shoots (worthy of an Oscar actually) - the best you've ever seen as I DJ one playlist after another of this music and that... and, er, maybe take video selfies of my dance moves (again, do we have a name for that? For videos selfies?) Okay...
5. Prepare for whatever comes my way
Because I am still not sure if my crush will be here, I’ll need a few rehearsals on dealing with the “boom!” feeling that comes with her deciding to thin herself in the air. Ladies love surprises. I don’t. I don’t love surprises. And because of that, I am not going to tolerate being played dumb on such a beautiful day.
I want a beautiful and successful day, and if I am not going to have one, at least I can give it to myself. (That is actually law number two of singlehood.) So this is what I am going to do: if she won’t turn up (because this may just be but a dream), I’ll take all these stuff, make myself comfortable, keep dreaming (and praying if possible) and (at least) be happy that I did something for myself on Valentines.
*Silence.*
Annabelle: Oh, I now gerr it.
They both walk away in silence...
End of scene.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all ye clumsy single people. Take care.
Bonface Morris.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all ye clumsy single people. Take care.
Bonface Morris.
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