Talking Point: Some Musings on Relationships Today

Note: This post seeks to give my general observations and opinion on relationships today. It mainly revolves around relationships amongst the unmarried members of the opposite sex. It doesn't have to be conclusive, I think. Most views are personal, but because I'm a devoted Christian (whatever that means to you) they are mostly guided by my Christian value system.

Millennial hyperbole
That one thing that sticks out amongst millennials is the way we relate to the opposite sex - the way we make or unmake relationships. It is very interesting and noteworthy.

You'd watch, imagine and conclude a few things about relationships today by looking at a few determining factors;
1. Why we get into relationships (that is, the reason as to why we would want to be in a relationship with the opposite sex, at all.)
2. How we get into relationships (this answers the question of the conditions, process and procedure/s through which or by which we get into relationships), and
3. When and where we happen get into relationships (the time, location and period most youngsters get in relationship matters.)

Then you'd discover that relationships today are either exaggerated (people post too much, think too much and suffer quite a lot because of them), suffer overindulgence (people put too much time and value in them), get overrated (people always think they mean to them what - in my opinion - they actually don't), get underrated (people think too little concerning them and offer little effort to salvage them) or are just a play ground (people refuse to take relationships seriously as they are supposed to in many cases.)

People get into relationships and they go overboard without looking back, and mostly, it is with a bit too much salt or without salt at all.

A variety of differences
Going back in time, I think our parents - from what I've gathered around - got into relationships in a very different context from ours.

The reason, the place, the age, the driving factor, the end point... They are all different.

Today, this difference causes parents to insist that young people should; study first, establish themselves, then get into relationships and that there is a certain age where wanting to be in a relationship with the opposite sex is nonnegotiable.

This is because they would want to pull out the same card that was pulled against them years back - of course in a different context but under similar circumstances - when they were still plucking and chewing the berries of their youth.

I would want to partially agree with such parents concerning the appropriateness of time when it comes young people and relationships; but truth be told: times have changed. Technology is making a 7year-old sound smarter than I am and possibly have access to more "adult" information than it was a few decades back. This seven year old now thinks like an adult and is able to make what modernity likes to call "informed decisions".

Also, it not guaranteed that God planned the same plan for all young people (about and above 3billion in the whole world) concerning falling in love and relationships: that our relationship "templates", so to say, are defaulted to: go to school > get work > meet a guy/lady > fall in love > get in a relationship > get married.

That cannot be the case.

I think we ought to really reconsider the age, conditions and status at which we are strongly inclined to think someone is "ripe enough" to get into a relationship with the opposite sex.

There has been little or no agreement at all between the old generation and millennials on why, how and when to enter into serious relationships. The difference should be understood, I think. The reason may be because our parents (and most people born before the 90's) got into relationships and managed relationships quite differently from the way people do today.

(Even then, there are still disagreements between the views on relationships from the 80's crowd, the 70's crowd and the below 60's crowd. It is most likely that relationship dynamics change with every decade; thus if there are siblings in our families that were born 10years apart, their views and values as far as relationships are concerned will be very different.)

Elderly people would say that "we remind them of themselves when they were our age" and they therefore pity us on how we choose to get into and work out our relationships.

It is true, we are pitiable. But we aren't hopeless. The times have changed, and so have the dynamics.

Our mothers wanted responsible, caring and able leaders in men; our ladies may need the same but with something more. Why? I think it is because life today comes with much more than just an "able man". Ladies today want to see beyond the promising capabilities. They want to see self-drive, handsomeness (uuh?), vision, ambition etc. It is more of the same cake but with more ingredients.

There are also differences not only in what caused our parents to get into relationships but also in how they ran and managed their relationships.

Everything seems to be so different now. (And I guess, that is why we are always fighting with our parents on how things should be done.)

Stimuli
And then campus changes almost everything someone has/had believed about relationships and love.

Once in campus, a young person with very conservative Christian values would always find themselves at crossroads as to what they should or shouldn't do as far as relationships are concerned.

There will be pressure (both direct and indirect) forcing them to think differently about the opposite sex. This pressure may come from the hormonal changes when they are close to the subject of love, from friends, from culture (the movies they watch, the people they see from time to time, the music and programs they listen to etc.) or from their consciences.

So if the wildest opportunity presents itself (and it always does, doesn't it?) even the good relationship they may end up having (like one with a person saved by the grace of God and washed in Christ's blood) may become a stumbling block to their value system and basic Christian principles for relationships.

A "super" brother can make a "super" sister fall, and vice versa. There is no mystery in this. So long as there is opportunity and no boundaries are put in place, and self-control is thrown out of the window, sin fears not the mighty. (This is the one thing I have noticed we overlook.)

People may judge these two as badly as they would want to, but that doesn't minimize or eliminate the possible risks that emerge in such relationships from time to time.

Dilemmas 
Unanswered questions and expectations will arise every now in relationships. Whenever such fears and concerns are not spoken out to the one they're intended for, problems arise. 

Some people refuse to get into committed relationships because they fear that they will fall victim to one or several of the factors that make relationships to fail (they may feel inadequate as potential partners, or fear that they may fall prey to unfaithfulness or violence or breakups or divorce). You can't blame them for this. (Or you may actually, depending on how you choose to look at it.)
Some make false conclusions on a certain group of people because of the above factors. You can't blame them too.

Such situations cause people to be quite indecisive and makes us pose the question: when can we ever be sure of anything if it involves and solely requires the commitment of another person rather than your own and when that involvement is not under your jurisdiction? Then we realize that surviving on maybes maybe the only great option we have for now. Our expectations may be less haunting if we acted with a bit more faith than surety. Because, for what it's worth, love is a war.

The biggest and most common dilemma today is when we Christians fall in love with non-believers and are threatened by the fact that we might overstep and go against every issue I addressed in this post »» Relationships: Why The Fuss Over Yokes? and in so doing, sin against God.

In the name of love
Millennials (and you should pick a bone with me on this one because young people are not the only victims here as we have come to notice) seem to be able to do anything so long as they are defending "the course of love" and are doing it (as they would want us to perceive it), "for the greater good" and "to the benefit of all." (Machiavelli should really be turning in his grave kinda right now.)

"So long as I'm gonna be with my love and we are two people who can tell wrong from right and have henceforth chosen this path to celebrate our love (a love which at such a point C S Lewis would say has become both a god and a demon), there is no reason for anyone stopping us..."

Stories have emerged (like the one below) and will keep emerging of a marriage or union of two people from two walks of life or two distinct generations that claim to have fallen in love and are therefore giving it a go. And they'll be unstoppable. And people will applaud them. And wine glasses will toss. And cycle would repeat itself over and over again.

I don't oppose this. (I have no reason to do so anyway.) But I would oppose such unions if the motive behind them is of a selfish or evil nature.

Here is a good example of this crop of people who fancily either go for the too old or the too young member of the opposite sex »» Woman, 38, Meets Boy Online, Gets Pregnant By Him.

We can blame them all we want, but they are grownups. No?

Hope
But there is always hope.
Our relationships, in their different trajectories can survive all these waves. It is not about escaping the waves, but learning to ride on them. 

Here are the waves:
1. What is the underlying factor behind our genuine or fake love? What draws us to each other or apart?
2. What are the underlying issues concerning relationships that cause us to disagree with people from different backgrounds, personalities and generations?
3. Why do we either treat relationships casually or with lots of commitment? What can we do about it?
4. Why does it matter so much what our sociocultural systems say about our relationships and how we run them? Is there anything we can do about it?
5. How to we deal with the dilemmas we face daily in our relationships?
6. Why do we put God on the edge but cry foul when everything gets messed up? Is there a place for Him in our relationships as young people?

These are just some issues I needed us to ponder about in today's talking point. Then, maybe, we can salvage the relationships we have between members of the opposite sex in the 21st century.
I know we can.

Bonface Morris (for Talking Point).

Leadership: 10 Toxic People to Leadership Today

This seems to be my second post (or maybe the third) about leadership on this blog. (Or so I think... They may be many. No?)

I always think the first one was this one; Leadership: Mentorship And Consultancy and then this one; Leadership: Guidelines to Leading Worship and Worship Teams Today. But the rest is for you to judge and conclude. There may be more.

Leading toxic people

*******

First and foremost, leadership is a unique gift. It is unique because it calls for direct inescapable accountability. To be a leader, you need to have a close relationship with at least three attributes: commitment, accountability and team-building skills. 

Of course you'd want to say responsiveness, creativity, decisiveness, risk-taking, adaptability, good character, being a visionary etc etc should be listed here too but I pick the above three because they relate more to this post than the rest. They are not the major ones, but they are relevant here for now.

NB: If you would like to read more on various Productivity, Leadership, Self-government and Management Principles, download this pdf booklet I compiled with materials from www.lared.org sometime back. It has proved to be quite useful to me over the years, and I know will be useful to you too. Here's the download »» Foundations For Achievement.

Having said this, it is good to note that the so-called "great leaders" (yeah, it depends with what greatness is all about to you) have a whole score of attributes that contribute to them being called "great".

If you were to ask most of them what contributes to "great" leadership, they would tell you that leadership requires sacrifice and determination. That it requires a heart of steel and a heart of a dove. It is neither for the faint hearted nor for the strong-willed. It is more of a lifetime test of balance between power and meekness, between greatness and humility, between madness and sanity.

"Great" leaders would also tell you that there are many times when as a leader, you are tempted to behave in a manner not soo rhyming "with the norm and status quo" due to how different people from different backgrounds and personalities react to situations, to other people and to assignments; but you choose to behave differently in order to preserve the dignity to the title and the authenticity of your call.

Leaders would also assure you that every situation and encounter with people calls for a different response. And that there is no kind of leadership that can be successful without adequate people skills. Mostly, there is no distinct "black and white" in leadership when dealing with people. Each situation and encounter with different kinds of people calls for a different action. 

Every leader, depending with the crowd subject to your guidance, has different challenges. I always think the most challenging leadership is when you lead people who have all the freedom to say "no" but instead, choose to say "yes" to ideas and activities in your team.

*******
Yes, people behave badly all the time, but some behave well all the time too. People make us feel nasty. Others make us feel great. Sometimes people make you want to lead more; other times they make you want to quit.

Now, with these different kinds of people leaders meet and lead, I'm picking out those who seem to always make us feel discouraged. This is what this blog is about: showing you the different types of toxic people in our midst - people we (as leaders) should either tolerate or avoid.

If you spot these kind of people as a leader, beware of their poisonous influence on your leadership.

Here are the ten types:

1. Insubordinate people
Have you ever had an event, wrote people messages, made phone calls and was happy everything was well catered for because everyone responded soo positively? Then all-of-a-sudden after you were smiling all night looking forward to a successful day ahead no one appeared? Or no one showed up until the whole event was over leaving you to take care of everything? 

If you are a leader, this is the day you go in recess for 12 hours after the event. This is the day you disappear into yourself. This is the day you refuse to receive calls and reply to messages.

Such people who disappear without notice show insubordination, a lack of discipline and a full measure of arrogance. They show the most elevated sign of lack of accountability.
I always wonder: why is it so hard for people to be accountable and pass on their apologies in advance if they'll be absent for an event or to perform their duty? Or is it taking God and His work for granted?
Leaders should act with diligence when dealing with these people because they lack submission to authority and care less about commitment. They, in every way, don't care about the success of a team, project, service, program or event. They are complete letdowns.

2. People who are hype with refined suggestions on how things should be run but are poor at helping accomplish tasks 
These kind of people say a lot of good things and give the best ideas but are rarely present to put them to effect. They are sweet talkers who fear commitment. Their habits involve stirring up people with enthusiasm towards a specific course but come up with excuses once the day of action comes.
Simply put, they act with fear and would rather say good things concerning a project and how it should be run, but run away during its establishment.
Leaders should listen to these kind of people with one ear open and the other closed; and should not accept wholly their call to commitment. This will bring the leaders less disappointment.

3. People who think that change is an overnight thing
Change is complex. Sometimes it takes five minutes. Sometimes it takes a month. Other times it takes a whole decade. Or two. And sometimes, it never really happens at all. (There are also times when change is not even supposed to happen.)
People who demand instant change think the power to change other people, tasks and situations belongs to them or to leaders. I won't deny that power to bring about change is sometimes fully in leader's hands, but this isn't always.
People who sometimes quit being part of a team because "the team is not spiritual enough" or that "you are not visionary enough" are likely to bring about divisions and conflict in the team. They should either be taught otherwise or be prayed for. The world and circumstances are not driven by the power of men but by the grace and will of God. No matter how much we try to bring about change, if it is meant for another season and time, it is not going to happen right now.

4. People who think leadership is as easy as it is put 
Organising and managing different people from different walks of life as one flock is not easy. Everyone desires to see you meet their needs and expectations. The more in numbers they are, the harder it becomes. No wonder Moses' father-in-law suggested to him to get people to help him in service. Leading a crowd is tough. No wonder the apostle Paul instructs that deacons should be good managers of their families (a smaller crowd) before they are allowed to lead the church.
Things are not easy as they seem. Really. Leadership is like this. Some people think it is all about one thing (the thing they see and know) yet it may be about twenty other things. 

Leadership is always about seeing the big picture: people who only see the "now" are harmful to the visionary leader because they seem to see simple, yet there is so much that makes for complex.

5. People who think leaders are gods
We all have our shortcomings. So many of them actually.
I have a list of sins and mistakes that run from here to Pakistan. You see? People overrate me. People overrate us. These people think we can't or should not make mistakes. Seriously, this is putting pressure on leaders and others suffer burn out while trying to play "Mr/Mrs Nice Guy/Lady" to all the people they lead.
People who push leaders to their limits while trying to be perfect are playing an unfair game of wits on their leaders which will lead to these leaders dropping down and failing completely. You can't play an actor/actress, god/goddess full time. You'll lose yourself sometime soon. Really.

Leaders do show and give direction, but they are not gods.

6. The always complaining and always opposing lot 

These ones will never agree with anyone on the team. They always think their mission and suggestions and superior to others'. They demonize other people by making them feel inferior. They demoralize other members of the team that have good ideas and keep them from speaking out for fear of being pulled down in the long run.
If a leader doesn't deal with these demoralizers early enough, the only members of the team remaining will be him/her and that Einstein guy/lady.

7. People who look down upon leaders because of their social or cultural status in society
"He/she is short."
"He/she is not that educated."
"He/she isn't that grown up - he/she is still a child."
These are some of the comments that come from these people. They think leadership is about social, marital, economic or intellectual classes. They think that only the "old" people can lead.
These people will make good teams drop or chase away good leaders due to pettiness and end up electing quacks to cannot perform. That's what Israel did with King Saul, remember?

8. People who think they can lead better than the present leader when placed in that same leadership position
These ones always blow their own trumpets. It may be deliberately/directly or indirectly.
They aspire to make the whole team think, "If so and so was the leader, he/she wouldn't do that" or "If so and so was the leader and if he/she had the authority the leader has, he/she would have done such and such a thing differently."
If team members listen to them (and yeah, they always have a voice amongst all of you - probably louder than yours), they'll vote you out very soon. Sooner than Kenyan teachers can have their salary increment. ;-)

9. People who value their own opinions and others' opinions rather than what God has to say
There is this thing amongst millennials, this thing where we are always saying, I'll have my say, no matter what! Okay, I don't deny that everyone "should" have something to say, but thinking that what we have to say is superior to what God is saying about a specific team is ridiculous.
Just because a certain method or skill worked elsewhere, it doesn't mean we should now listen to the majority rather than to the voice of God.
Every leadership, every team and every situation has a unique place in God's plan for us. Those people who try to override this plan by thinking like men and without putting God in the picture will lead a team into a deep bottomless pit.

10. People who make promises but never keep them
"I'll give 10k!"
"Oh, I'll be around to clean up and cook" 

"Morris, I'll preach/sing/take care of the visitors on that day!"
This crowd of toxic people are almost like the first group, but the difference is that they may show up but "forget" they promised to do some specific thing. They'll blame the leader for not reminding them.
"You should have reminded me!", they say. "I would have come on time / I would have given out the cash." "You should have reminded me! I was just at home!"
Oh, really? You were just at home? You forgot, huh? Just forgot? God help you.

As leaders, and with all these people challenges facing us, we should remember that our calling to the work given us (whether in a corporate or spiritual sense) is greater; and that the grace we need to deal with all this kinds of people is sufficient.
Because it is written;
2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV) "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

and

Hebrews 13:5 (NIV) "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

So, take heart and stay blessed.

Bonface Morris.

Surviving On Maybes

So you realize you were wrong.

But you can't undo it.
It's like the sun has set and the day is done. You can't bring it back.
So you promise yourself to do better next time. To spin it differently.
But maybe there is no "next time".
And you are not sure if everyone affected will understand you're remorseful.
Or that you deserve a second chance.
Or that you are not "who they think you are".
Or that you have now truly changed.
Or that it was just an accident.
For what it's worth, this was not "you".
You overreacted. You overestimated. You overstepped. You insinuated.
This was not "you"!!
So you live begging for the resurfacing of an opportunity to undo your mistakes.
You live waiting for that day when you would act "you" to prove who you really are.
You live surviving on maybes...

*******
Maybe he was right, maybe he wasn't.
He got swallowed up by thin lines.
Overwhelmed by them.
He got dragged in slowly.
It wasn't intentional. No, it wasn't.
He had believed he would beat the urge to become what he had always dreaded he might become: a failure.
People now think he is one.
They think he is a jerk too. Dang.
It only took two minutes.
Yes, two minutes and nobody now believes that all he had been to them for years meant something.
It feels so bad that nobody wants to believe in him anymore.
Come on. He has been their mini-hero for such a long time. Why can't they listen to his side of the story even a little bit?
I mean, why are people so mean?
Or maybe they are giving him time, eh?
They'll soon come around, yes?
He crossed a line.
That he knows. He acknowledges it too.
He crossed a line.
He got drank.
He had sex.
With a minor.
Will they really come around? These people?
He crossed a line.
He got emotional.
He booked a room.
He slept with a colleague.
The effect of all that is now weighing in on his marriage.
Will it really come around?
Maybe.
But our friend is surviving on maybes...

*******
Maybe he'll marry her, maybe he won't.
He has never said he is interested.
Not even hinted it.
But they've been together for kinda forever.
People, friends, colleagues, cats, flies etc say they look good together.
They say it. They beat them the drums of hail and say.
They keep waiting.
She keeps waiting.
For him to say he's interested in taking it to the next step.
Wait-a-minute. What is keeping this dude from proposing?
Or they're in some kind of game, eh?
A game? Oh, so it's a game now?
Can she now launch her own?
Where she can go on her way and tell him she is moving on. Or something close to that...
Something like, "Dear, I'm moving to Dubai on Monday next week. It'll be harder to work this out after I'm gone so it's better we move on with life separately."
Then maybe this will bring him back to his senses.
Maybe the dude will then say, "Dear, I had plans for us. I was gonna pop the question this coming month and we'd be a couple by the end of the year. How do you see it!?"
Maybe this would work. Maybe.
You know what? Our gal is surviving on maybes...

*******
He has been praying about it for years.
Two years. Three. Several.
That she may change.
That she may become better.
Learn to be herself. Let go of her pettiness. Let go of her childish ish.
That she would become a woman. A lady. A noblewoman.
That she would have a vision for her life. Have a life. Stop believing in a lie.
That she would fantasize less and live in reality.
"Life is bleak", he has told her several times. "Don't wait until you're hopeless and blind to start groping for guidance. It may be too late."
She has looked at him almost the same way almost all the time he has said those things.
She thinks he overrates things.
She wants her pedestal and her chair and her groove pack.
He is her friend yeah.
And he needs to remind her that life is mixture of colors.
Sometimes black. Sometimes white. Sometimes grey. Sometimes colorless. Sometimes you don't even realize what color emanates.
But if all is surrendered to God and with knowledge that life is so colorful, it's gonna be well.
But maybe she'll simply roll her eyes and tell him, "I'm living my life, try to live yours."
Or maybe she'll listen this time.
Maybe.
Our guy is surviving on maybes...

*******
He has held her hand like this before.
Promising to make her days smile and her nights sigh in wonder.
He has said he loves her.
That he loves her more than his wife.
More than all those mistresses she has heard he has had.
"It is funny, babe. It is funny how people say bad things concerning me. I think they are envious of my success."
She has believed him.
That he is a good man.
That he is generous and goofy and honest and full of humor.
That his wife is a b***tch.
She has believed all this.
All this nonsense.
She has believed that he probably will ditch his wife for her.
Nonsense.
It is sad. It is false hope.
It is surviving on maybes.
She is surviving on maybes...

*******
So...
When life is a pool.
When it's a river.
When it's mud.
When it's a puddle.
When we find ourselves wading in and out wondering.
When all wonder is dark wonder.
When we think we're surviving.
When we know we are surviving.
Maybe that's life. Maybe it's not.
Maybe they are just maybes.
Or maybe we make life to be all about maybes when it should be about everything else.
Maybe.
Or maybe we are the ultimate life maybes...

Maybe, (take some time and think about it), in some tiny way, we are all surviving on maybes. 

Bonface Morris.