Relationships And Dating: An Overview and Response

Note:

1. This post is exclusively a reply to some questions asked by a faithful reader. (Remember that I am here to serve people, and without you guys, I ain’t doing nothing.)
2. When this blog mentions relationships or marriage, it is always between a male/man and a female/a woman.

First things first though...

Relationships are a good thing. Although I am not in one (for reasons well known to myself than to anyone out there), I can confidently confess that they are a good thing. And although many of you are opposed to me writing two-relationships-related-blogs out of every five or so, I will not shy from telling you (yes, you who thinks that I should talk more about God than I talk about relationships – as if good relationships are not part of the good stuff that God has planned for us) that I am doing this for guys out here – guys who need what I write... Pick out what feeds you from the blog, and leave the rest to those who feel that that is their stuff.

Good. Let’s now move on…

There is a very thin line between a good perspective on relationships and a bad one – I have been in one so I can tell you better. People enter into relationships for all the reasons in any book ever written. Some have twisted ones, while others are on point; also well-intended relationships can turn out bad at any time and in any place and for reasons I don’t somehow know. (I don’t have to anyway.) It happens.

Some of the reasons that cause people to get into relationships are listed below;

a)      Peer pressure – this is where one feels that they are being left out because all their friends are in working relationships and/or are getting married. They therefore get into a relationship to appease the pressure and seem to be “having a life too”.

b)     Societal or parental pressure – when parents and society (church, work place etc) want to see a wife or a husband “from you”, you get into the trouble of acquiring one “before time runs out”; and so that you may be seen as the “son/daughter that always listens to his elders.”

c)      Age – the older a man or woman gets, the more he/she puts pressure on himself/herself to get into a relationship – without caring about whether it is a good one or not. (Define ‘good’ in this statement the same way God defines it.)

d)     Chance – this is where people bump into others and start feeling that they should hook up. This is never pre-planned. And yeah, it may be lame but a good number of relationships have been birthed in this way.

e)      At the right time and for the right reasons – this explains itself. Although I don’t have the right definition of what “the right time” is, I can tell you that the right reasons do not involve any of the above.

So, for whatever reason, after one has gotten into a relationship, demands start creeping in. These demands are as common as air to everyone. You cannot escape them once you get into one. You only have two options while dealing with them: face them (where you win or lose), or run away from them (where you are also likely to win or lose.)

Two people on a beach date.

Now, listen, depending on why you got into the relationship, this is where things start breaking apart or falling together.

If you got into one for the sake of adventure and then the adventure vanishes, you are likely to fall out. If you got in with commitment in mind, you will work on the differences that arise between the two of you. If you got in in order to “suckle” your partner of the various benefits they are freely offering, you will fall out once they get finished. If you didn’t know what you were doing or were not sure/careful about your choice and timing, you start realizing that this stuff ain’t some kind of a joke. If you got into this thing due to attraction and wealth, you start realizing that there is more to a relationship than good looks and a good pocket. Lust and the greed for a good life are momentary. Reality is eternal. True. If a dude/chiq dates because a chiq/dude is haaawwwt or only because he/she dresses well, or only because he/she is figuring out that they are gonna have sweet babies in the future, wait until reality creeps in and overwhelms the swag and looks. He/she will vomit right into the other’s face! (Literally.)

In summary, when reality starts trickling in, you start seeing things you wain’t seeing before. This is where you start confessing things like, “I am not good at relationships” or “I think we need some time apart” or “Give me some time to think this thing over and come back to you…” or “I think I am not good for you” or “Why do you love me this much?” and so forth and so on… You also start questioning what you know about somebody or the whole hullabaloo that is love in relationships. You doubt if you were mature enough to get into a relationship (something that happened to me sometimes back.) You doubt whether you can hold such a relationship for the long run. Yeah, reality starts popping its head so menacingly that you wonder where it had been all this time.

When you get to this point, you are now getting your consciousness back and it is here that you will decide to hang in there and make whatever decision you make work. In whatever way it can be made to work, you will make it work. True story.

Here are some of the things you are likely to do;

1. You may decide to reduce the relationship to dating status – where you have less commitment to each other (which is by the way emotionally draining and a real fire-dragon in the hiding) or break away, hoping that the other party will understand why you chose to do whatever you did (this has also happened to me before). The problem is that they never actually do understand that **** (you know the word I would have put here. *smiles*). Or you may also choose to hang in there with a spirit of commitment and bear the blunt of immaturity – believe me you that this will cost you your heart, your mind, your pocket and your will. (Be ready for a war that you are assured never to win.)

2. You start analyzing things about your better half more keenly than you were doing before. You start seeing ghosts that “were not there in the beginning” – ghosts you had ignored. You start mimicking, and ranting, and heckling, and giving out silent drills… You start observing other relationships (mostly your friends’) and asking questions. You start reading blog posts like this and bookmarking them so that you may come back and read em again. You start wanting something better for the two of you. Why? Because you really wanna get information on how to keep your partner and grow your relationship. Because you DO care and you do not want to lose your relationship.

Now, if you are in love at this point, life may become a little bit bearable; but woe to you if you are still waiting for the other party to love you! You are doomed! You are doomed because any relationship that is one-sided is dangerous to your health. I say it again: a one-sided relationship - one where only one party cares to grow and nurture the relationship while the other loathes effortlessly – is unhealthy.

A relationship is like a seed: it needs to be nurtured in order to grow in a healthy way.

Okay, putting aside the slothfulness, allow me to assume that both of you are on the same page – that you both want the relationship to grow. This is what is likely to happen;

a)      Both of you start asking questions about each other and are deeply concerned about what is happening in each other’s lives. You ask about them with intensity and in a cherishing way. You tend to confess to each other things that none of your friends (or family members) knows about both of you. You start unleashing your deepest fears to each other, about plans, personalities, likes, dislikes etc. You may now be starting to know a few of their friends, where they work, what they study, their inner passions, their hobbies; you may talk about a few members of your families, you start calling each other nicknames etc. The relationship now goes from typical dating to intimacy or what Christians like I may start wanting to call the first stages of courtship.

b)     You become mad at each other more often than ever before. This indicates that while you are so much trying to sync your two distinct/different personalities, it is not that easy to achieve a common ground. You will express your dislike about the other person’s behaviors in a manner you can’t do to another person – erratic and sometimes unconventional. They will rant about your egocentrism/self-centeredness and selfishness. (By the way, I just realized the other day that almost all women think that all men are selfish. It may be true. Okay, I will leave that to your judgment.)

“Why all the indifference?” you may ask. Because you are now starting to somehow own them, and they, you. You will experience a certain deep hatred for this person and towards certain things/behavior in their lives, yet you will still love them deeply in a way you don’t even understand. They are things you may feel uncomfortable to tell them about you for now – like your finances and future plans for both of you. And it is normal to steal away some secrets about you – so long as they won’t hurt the relationship in the long run.

Note: Always leave a certain mystery about youself. Being TOO predictable is relationship killer. Also oversharing too early in a relationship can be dangerous as you may be perceived to be too revealing. Mystery is adventure, and everyone loves adventure, so use it to your own advantage.

But note that secrets like if you have had a child before or if you (or your family) have a chronic ailment/disease or not, should never be kept secret beyond this stage, or it may end up very very very bad – and you will not like it.

c)      You start wanting to know where the relationship is headed. You start questioning their commitment to what you both share. You start wanting to know why they talk to so-and-so in the way they do. You start becoming jealous - really jealous and territorial. (This was, in the past, reserved for women but presently, it is slowly streaming into dudes too. O, whatever happened to men! LQTM). If your partner is trying to play cool, and they are not trying to make lots of noise about you openly flirting with other guys/chiqs (if you have this bad behavior), smell trouble. Smell lots of trouble. It is possible that they may not be into it (the relationship) or that they are really hurting deep inside but are shy to tell you about it.

d)     Feelings start bulging. You will start making many confessions about the way you feel about them and they will reciprocate the same. Compliments will start coming in like a flood. Calls, text messages, WhatsApps, DMs. Silence too. Yes, silence too: silence because you are learning to mature and go beyond the “baby, I can’t do without you” cliché. You want to learn to love each other but be independent of each other too. This proves maturity. You may need to be careful at this stage because sin crouches faster and rapidly here than at any point. You may (countless times) be tempted to become touchier and to have sex. And to you, yes you, Christian lady/guy, sex is a NO NO before marriage. I say it again, sex before marriage ain’t right for two saved guys (or for anyone in that matter.) Follow this link and watch the resulting video on this page, then prove me wrong.

Now, after realizing that you can work on your many differences, avoid some and tolerate others, you may move into the next stage of courtship (or whatever you call it – because I have just realized that it doesn’t matter what you call it but what you do in that stage) and then the next one…

I think 2,000 words are enough for an answer that has been this blog…

Till next time,

Bonface Morris.

She Is Beautiful

I will tell you a story, a story of a girl I know.
I will tell you a story I tell myself daily (at least of late).
I will narrate to you what I would dare tell her one day; and what I rehearse in my mind and in my heart, and in my soul time after time.
I will tell you what I know, and what you would want you to know.

I will tell you of her beauty.

She is beautiful.
She is so beautiful.
She is beautiful from the elegance in her walk to the spawns of her lips.

You can see it yourself and confess that indeed she is beautiful.

Her hair feels like the velvety petals of Bougainvillea flowers, like the red roses and the chubs of a new born.
Her cheeks glow like the moon - like the full moon - starrily gleaming in the harangue of an ugly world.
Her eyes, her lashes, her brows are well placed on her face - just like lilies place themselves on still waters - with peace and beauty when a cool breeze whirls through them.
Her neck stands tall, yeah it stands tall like the grasses of the sages in the wild.
Her chin and her neck are the most lovely combination I've ever seen - a reflection and excellence of angelic reality.
Her shoulders, her countenance and her very presence makes me feel like this moment with her is borrowed - like I don't deserve it
Yes, she is so beautiful...

Her personality is like a rock - steady and firm, reassuring and real.

Her devotion to the works of her fingers - those beautiful fingers - is impeccable. She makes you want to meet her mother.

Her heart is the gold of her personality. She belongs to God. She is His child. She is a gem. She is gold.

Her smile soothes me away into forgetfulness. I lose my words. I lose my many words.

Her mind, her brain, her plans... O, I am hypnotized!

Yes, I am.

Yes, she is beautiful.

But I don't know if she knows it - that she is beautiful.
I also don't know how she does it or how she feels about her beauty.
Maybe she breathes a different air from the rest of her kin.
Maybe she travels from the outer world to Earth everyday to haunt us with her magnificence.
Maybe she eats fruits from the God's Garden itself.
Or maybe she takes Australian bush tucker for her breakfast.
Or our African stuff pounded in a Mexican Molcajete.
Maybe she comes from places of deep where they walk on diamonds and are dressed with rubies.
Maybe she walks with angels. Probably they are her friends.
I just don't know how a creature can be this beautiful.

She is so beautiful.

The other day I was tempted to tell her.
Yeah, I was. I was tempted to tell her about her beauty.
I was tempted to ask her, "Lady, how come you are this beautiful?"
Then I became shy. Her smile almost killed me. I don't know how, but it did.
You should have seen it - the smile. It inspires me to write songs. To write songs in praise of her beauty.

Then the other day (a day different from the first one), I dreamt.
I think she now lives in my dreams. She does. Or I really want her to. Or both.
I dreamt that we were gone, gone together is a place far away.
That we were holding hands and I was whispering tiny little things into her ears (like the ones I'm saying here).
And that she was staring at me with those golden eyes.
And that she was blushing - and I with her was embracing this opportunity with both hands, a hug, and colossal mesmerism.
I dreamt that I was wanting to ask her to be mine.
Then I woke up. I had overslept. You can imagine how I felt. Bad.
The beauty of the moment to be just faded away.

So now I sit here perturbed. Imagining things. 

Wondering if the dream was true. Or if it can ever be true.
You see, I'm not that cute. But she is.
Will we compliment each other?
The beauty and the beast, huh? Maybe?
She lit up a fire of love. In me.
One that had died. One that had long been abandoned.
And I am now promising myself funny things...

But for now, all I can say is that she is beautiful...

Yes she is.

Bonface Morris.

3 'Must Haves' to Successful Christian Living

The world we live in today is very ridiculous. It is always expecting too much from Christians - quite too much. It knows what our standards should be - what the Bible says about Christian behavior - and it is not only holding us accountable for what we do, but also judging us for the same.

The world does not act with kindness when dealing with Christians. It is harsh. Intolerable. Merciless. Judgmental. And rude. It is judging us with the highest standards of scrutiny, the same of which if it is subjected to, it may fall down under before it even thinks of rising up. The balances it uses in sieving through what we do and how we behave are meticulous, and that is the truth.

But that does not matter. (At least not to the Christian who will consider what I am sharing in this post.) We know who we are. Christians know who they are. We know it and are not running away from it. We will not try to be petty over it either. We will strive to live to the measure of what God's Word says. Right here in this generation. We will strive to do it in the midst of scoffers and perjurers and in the midst of a world that is always running away from God.

The truth is that Christians are the yard stick of the world. We are to be emulated. We are to be copied (literally, and again not so literally). We represent God, and God is worthy to be emulated. We are to bring hope, and show love, and make people experience God. That is our duty on this earth. And we are in for the task.

Although there is no straight-on formula to "making it" in Christian life except that provided in the Bible, below are three BASIC things that are necessary when one wants to become the Christian they should be (or that God expects them to be);

1. The Word of God
It has been stressed upon countless times that The Word of God is the Christian's mantle. I am going to reiterate it more. Psalm 119:105 (ESV) says "Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.") There is no magic to successful Christian living. No, there is not. God is very clear that we need to know His Word in order to please Him (Read Joshua 1:8 (ESV) "This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success." and Colossians 3:16 "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God."

I need to meditate upon it and delight in it (Psalm 1:2 (ESV) "...but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night." I need to live it. It is not my Pastor's nor my leader's duty to know God's Word on my behalf, it is my duty. I should know it and seek to apply it in my life so that I may live the life I am supposed to live.

Here are reasons why every Christian should read, know, understand and live God's Word;

(a) God's Word are His instructions to the born again Christian on how He expects us to live in this fallen world. Only by heeding it do we understand His thoughts and plan(s) for us.

(b) God's Word contains revelation about God and ourselves. It reveals to us who and what God is to us, to the universe, and to mankind; and also reveals us to ourselves. We can only know who we truly are by reading the Word. We also are able to know who the devil (Satan) truly is and what all his plans against us are.

(c) The Word of God is the Christian's power in overcoming temptation and the devil. (Hebrews 4:12 (ESV) "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart", Ephesians 6:17 (ESV) "...and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God..." and Revelation 12:11 (ESV) "And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death."

2. The Holy Spirit

We all understand that the Holy Spirit is part of the God-head: the third person in the Holy Trinity. It is very basic for every Christian to understand that unless we have the Holy Spirit, we do not belong to Christ (Romans 8:9b (ESV) "Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him.). There are three things that the Holy Spirit does;

(a) He helps us (gives us strength) in our daily living and mentors us towards holiness. He helps us pray/intercede, fast, read God's Word, meditate, speak the truth, attend church, dress right, speak graciously, love people, persevere/tolerate people, be gentle, be kind, be merciful, be less judgmental, think right//purely, practice self control, be joyful regardless of circumstances, be good to people, be understanding, put others first (be selfless), be humble, become wise, be faithful (both to God and fellow men), be generous... the list is endless. In simple terms, He helps us live the life we are called to live, because we can never make it on our own. (Refer to Galatians 5:22 (ESV) "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness..." and James 3:17 (ESV) "But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.")

(b) He is our inspiration, comfort and motivation. Matthew 10:19 (ESV) says "When they deliver you over, do not be anxious how you are to speak or what you are to say, for what you are to say will be given to you in that hour" and Acts 9:31 (ESV) says "So the church throughout all Judea and Galilee and Samaria had peace and was being built up. And walking in the fear of the Lord and in the comfort of the Holy Spirit, it multiplied."

(c) He is our guide. John 16:13 (ESV) says "When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come", Judges 11:29 (ESV) says "Then the Spirit of the LORD was upon Jephthah, and he passed through Gilead and Manasseh and passed on to Mizpah of Gilead, and from Mizpah of Gilead he passed on to the Ammonites" and Psalm 143:10 (ESV) says "​Teach me to do your will, for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground!"

3. The Congregation of Saints

Many of us take this for granted. We think that it is useless to meet other Christians and worship together. Some avoid meeting other Christians in the name of "protecting themselves from gossip, back-biting and intolerable Christians", and others because "the Church has become a market place - it is better if we live this life on our own." Some have even insisted that "I can watch/listen to sermons on TV/radio all day and still be more blessed and nearer to God than you guys who went/go to church..." 

Whenever we make these assumptions, we deceive ourselves and are driven away from the Church itself. 

There is an important point to note about the Early Church that is still relevant to the Church and Christians today: they used to fellowship with one another more than we do today, and that kept them stronger and focused on living a godly life. Find reference from the verses below;

- 1 John 1:3 (ESV) "...that which we have seen and heard we proclaim also to you, so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ."

- Acts 2:42 (ESV) "And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers."

- 1 Corinthians 16:19 (ESV) "The churches of Asia send you greetings. Aquila and Prisca, together with the church in their house, send you hearty greetings in the Lord."

The apostle Paul also insists in Hebrews 10:24-25 that "...and let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near."

Whoever tries to defend themselves against this matter is only but being prideful and conceited.

Attending fellowships and church helps us in the following ways;

(a) Encouraging one another, support, companionship, affection and socialization. Of course every congregation will have its own "bad sides", but it should serve the purpose of an extended Christian family. The church is a home to every soul that needs godly company.

(b) Accountability - when we lose out on attending church, we miss the opportunity to be accountable to a community of people that can positively shape our thinking, desires and daily personal behavior. We miss our on being trimmed to become better Christians in the society at large. The congregation of saints provides us with real mentors and consultants in real life experiences.

(c) The congregation of saints helps us in our positive personal growth, transformation and change. When we meet people with like minds, who are seeking to worship and serve God like we do, we are challenged to become better in serving fellow men and God. We stop being limited to our views and take on life.

The above points are very BASIC and are meant to help us kick-start living a life that is worthy the calling we have received in accordance with Matthew 3:8 (ESV) "Bear fruit in keeping with repentance" and Ephesians 4:1 (ESV) "I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called"). Use them to impart something useful into the lives of the people around you.

God bless.

Bonface Morris.