The "Ex" Factor: Should You Date/Court Your Ex Again or Not?

Yes guys, it is February again. The month of love. Or so they say.

Thank God it is (February). I now have the privilege to talk "things love" without being judged by most of you. In some other "normal" month, I would prefer to tread such topics as the one above very carefully, knowing that all these gazelles, porcupines and tigers - sorry for calling you that guys, sorry - are watching from afar, waiting for my slip so that they may slip in their two pence of criticism and marionettry.

Okay.

You may want to curse the goads. If you want to, er, if you have to. But that will not stop February from being what it is, and what it has always been. February is the Rolex of love, the sun of everything love; the month when dead and/or dying relationships face either of these two things: a break-up or a pull-up; and new love is birthed, and some is rekindled, and forgotten things are done, and lame excuses are made... up until another February... (for those who worship routine.)

I just want to promise you that because you cannot escape this reality that comes with February as a single person, or as and oblivious young person or as a "playing ground" kinda fella, you may need to read a few lines from Uncle Morris himself. (Okay, I think I've once mentioned somewhere that I have several kids that call me Uncle, so get used to it buddy. :-) I am an uncle, baby.)

February is boring. Or it is going to be. At least to most of us.
Hello dudes, please say, "Yeah!" in agreement like you be whooping in church...
Well, and because it is boring to many (especially guys), leave alone its hoars of grasp upon tender and lonely hearts, and because you don't like it, why not vent a little? Why not get carried away with my talk?

You'll need to be carried away somehow because with all this power February has on the people around you, the way it is going to grasp you in melancholy and turn you into some kind-of circumstantial puppet, it ain't good. It ain't good at all. Watching a couple of love-frenzy friends is not fun. No, it is not.

Don't blame the love-birds yet. Don't. If it were you in their shoes, you'll do the same thing. True. Don't deny it. Man is a disciple of bliss; wherever it goes, he obediently follows... So when you see them trapped in the hullabaloo that is love and they seem to be busking in the tremors of its existence, and they are are like air-filled balloons aiming everywhere and enjoying the airs of existence, just swallow it up. And move on.

Or allow yourself to be vulnerable to my advice today. Allow yourself to hear what I have to say about you getting rejoined with your ex before taking your phone and falling into the temptation of calling, texting or WhatsApp-ing them "just to kill the loneliness" or "just to say 'hi'". Because that is what getting bored does to people: they start doing things they would never do even if the sun rose up in the middle of the night. They start eating what the doctor warned them not to, and walking on broken glass, and walking naked on the streets (not literally)... Emptiness and loneliness creates a fondness for the past. But honey, please wait.

My research tells me that by the age of 23, each one of us has had an ex or two... the most notorious ones in our midst having had upto five or so. If you have not had an ex since you were born, it is okay. You are normal. There is no problem with that - you are just the reserved type, and pray hard that you won't get into this ex mess soon...

So I've been wondering: Should you date your ex? Again? Is it a good idea? Or just because February is calling, you'll need someone to accompany you to that party you and your friends have planned?
Well, consider the following questions;

• What made you ditch them in the first place? Has it (the thing that made you ditch them) changed? Really? Have you changed? Are you ready to run life with compromise in order to meet their needs? (Of course in a Godly way.)
• Was your break-up nasty? Was there name-calling and yelling, and grenades, and waruus? A lot of repair may need to be done buddy, if you are thinking of going back.
• To the saved guys: was the relationship God's idea or your own idea? And to the secular guy: were you ready for this thing or was it your own (and your friends') idea?
• Was God in it? Was God involved? Were you in it or were you pushed into it?
• Were you two mature people when you got into it? Kids can't manage and keep relationships. They don't know the why (Why am I in this relationship?) the how (How am I going to behave or treat the other person in this relationship?) and the what (What is my role in this relationship? What are my responsibilities?). All they know is to stutter, ask for favors and "enjoy" each other's company.
• Were you unfaithful, or were they? Did you start refusing to pick up their calls and to reply to their texts out of the blues? Or was it induced? What induced it? What induced your deep dislike for them until you two parted ways?
• Were they your fantasies at work, or was it real? (I wrote something about fantasies sometime back. Read it here.) Were you working on the relationship just as he/she was?
• Did you love them or was it an infatuation (lust)? Was it genuine or faked up?
• Did they build you up morally, emotionally and spiritually? Or were you a consolidation of sinful pretenders?
• But maybe your ex was such a mess and you just need to shed them off and move on. And by a mess I mean: manipulative, immature, uncaring, unforgiving, ungodly, unsaved, a serial liar, unfaithful... the list is endless.
• Were they stupid and petty things that broke you two up? And by stupid and petty I mean stupid and petty.

There are some things that you need to know though before I try to move on with what I am saying: 

Christianity does not advocate for dating (meeting random people for random reasons but with the possiblity of culturing a relationship) and/or break-ups in relationships. The Bible is straight-on when dealing with relationships: Don't awaken love before its time (Song of Solomon 8:4). It simply means that we should only get into relationships when "the time is right"; that is, when we are mature enough to handle them and the challenges they bring. God wants us to get into relationships when we are ready to, not "when we feel like we want to..."

Breakups and all these "ex factor" things are our own making. God wants us to get into relationships with the main aim being marriage, not "testing the waters because there are many fish in there, and you may not know which is the right one until you catch them one at a time..." The Bible wants us to embrace courtship, not dating. Why? Because courtship has friendship, openness, commitment and seriousness attached to it. There ain't not pettiness in courtship guys.

I have an ex. You may be having one too, but that is not God's idea of relationships, it is our own. I have an ex, and it is wrong. I used to pray for my girlfriend and about our relationship (just like every other saved boyfriend would do), but when the world came tumbling down (and people have been asking me what really went wrong), I swallowed it up and moved on. It was my fault - and I say this unregretfully. Am I going back with relation to the questions I have raised above? I don't know. God knows. That is why I don't bad-mouth people. There ain't no island called Morris. We are good friends with my ex for now. That is all. I am enjoying single-hood. I am. Yeah, I talked to God last August and made a resolution to remain single for the time being - for a period I don't know. I am okay with that. I bet God is.

What I have mentioned above is but an aid to help us make a decision based on wisdom and not on impulse, emotions or circumstances. If you think that your ex scores way above average on the above issues and that you can't start another relationship (for reasons known to yourself and to God), and that God is going to be involved in the relationship this time round, and that the relationship will hold the worth of a courtship, go on and make that call or write that text. Go on and give it a shot. You never know. 

But ask God about it first, you saved person. He may surprise you. Yeah, He may.

So, will you date or court your ex? Again?

You have the answer.

Bonface Morris. 

Stuff I Learned and Discovered Last Year (2013 Edition)

First, this is not a poem. Or let me just say that I don’t know what it is.I have wanted it to become one (a poem), but my pen has told me otherwise. And I am okay with that. Fighting with pens can be overwhelming. Really overwhelming. You can never win. Such fights. You can’t. But if you ever do, you won’t be friends at all. So I have conceded defeat. In a good way. Because I still value this friendship.

I don’t know what you’ll think this is, but again, that is one of my discoveries: that what you think of things or of what other people do is all up to you. You choose what to believe and what not to. The other person/people (or things in any case) do not rule over what you want to think about them... And they should not pester you about it. Okay, they should. Sometimes. If they so choose. But it still won’t be changing how you feel about them. Or about some things. Or anything. It won’t.

Secondly, read on... Read on and see what I’ve been seeing and the conclusions I have been making all along. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m not...

The art of "discovering things."

....................................
I have discovered that we should all be equally insane. That I should not be just as bad (or good in some other rare case) as you are. I should be “more bad” (if that can be acceptable) or “more good” than everyone else. And that the more insane I am, the better. I have discovered that being normal is sad. Normal is too average. And being normal normally chars our world and embers it. With time. I have discovered that we should prefer remaining insane for the sake of our society. Only an abnormal society is aware of the need for change. A normal society almost always thinks that everything is alright. Well, it is not. Everything is not alright. It is not alright for all of us to score the same average mark in everything. It is not good for all of us to jump the same length or run the same distance or achieve the same results. That is what normal people do: the same old stuff in the same old way to achieve the same old results.

Being abnormal - yes, being insane - is what makes us extraordinary. It is what makes brands out of us. It is what turns our society and world around. It is what makes us invent, and invest, and rant, and heckle at issues and change the world around us. It is what ticks. Yeah. Insanity.

.............................
I have also discovered that you should not get into the habit of eating all that you are cooking while you are still cooking it. People will go to bed hungry. Because by the time you’ll be finished eating/cooking, you’ll be having no food at all. And that is not good. It is not good for all of us that were expecting that food. Now, think about it again while replacing food with any other resource at your disposal. Got it?

The old people around here used to say (I am not so sure if they still do say it), “Do not put all your eggs in one basket...” and that “You cannot kill two birds with one stone”. We loved what they said. It was good. But I wish they had specified which eggs, which basket, which stone and which birds they were talking about. Because that can be really catastrophic if we limit ourselves to the mere stones and baskets we know.

So I have been rolling my mind through what they said and I have discovered that you can actually kill thousands of birds with one stone and that all your eggs can be safe in one basket. It just depends with your choice of the stone and the basket. What if God is the stone and the basket? What if He is our only stone and our only basket? We can kill more birds and keep more eggs, right? Oh well!

Let us move on...



...............................

I have also discovered that life actually does change overnight. It is not a universal guarantee for it to do so on the positive side of things, but on the negative one, it does change overnight.

“Positive change,” as everyone else puts it, “is progressive.” But negative change is not. Negative change is instantaneous.

Consider this: there is a very thin line between wisdom and foolishness. Very. Why? A fool cannot become wise overnight. It doesn’t work that way. But the wise can be foolish in one minute. Yes. So we’d rather be foolish to men to save our reputation than rant to all about how wise we are and lose it all. Most wise people are the most foolish in our societies because they want to play it cool. Fools want us to recognize and know how wise they are, and as a result, we always ignore them.

Then consider this: it takes time and effort to accumulate knowledge, and experience and wealth, and skills, and artistry; but it takes no commitment and effort at all to lose them. Bad things happen overnight, while good things take time. This is the mystery of life.

................................

I have also been keen on wanting to understand how you - yes, you and your life - are mostly none of my business, but again that you are solely part of mine. About this one, I am still discovering. I am still wanting to know where to draw the line between being mindful of how you live your life and being skeptical of how you live it. Those are two different things. Two very different things. But again, sometimes I am tempted and would prefer to do neither.

You see, where I wonder most is why I love making you part of my business much more than I would love you to make mine part of yours. Okay. And it is an awful thing. A one sided coin actually. It is like a sun that refuses to set in the West. A sun that forcefully wants to rise from the East and go back there. Evading the laws of nature and mutuality. Yeah, that is me when dealing with you.
Anyway, I have been wondering why I should be obsessed with your life this much. Am I your God? Or your guardian angel? But again, should I stop to care that you are messing up somewhere? Or that you are doing things right?

I am still wondering. Discovering. I will come back on this one some other time.

......................................
And there is this other thing. God. Some people are serious with/about Him. (And by serious I mean devoted.) Others are not. Some are skeptical. Others are not even sure where they are with Him. Yet others really wish, year in year out, that they would be a bit more serious with Him this time.
"This is the season and time, Lord”, they say. “This is the season and time I am going to serve and love You like never before...”

I know you can mention a few of them - these people of seasons and times. But that - they forget to put in mind - is a cycle they can’t complete on their own. They fight to please Him so much that they become miserable, and cry and mourn, and throw themselves in the dust, and pray, and fast... And after all has been said and done, they go back to where they begun. Or even worse. Why? Because they think God can be served their way. Nah, it does not work that way. Terms and conditions apply. Understand the terms and conditions first before making any move(s) or commitment(s) with/for God.

Others think that they've already pleased Him. That they have outsmarted His principles by doing all He demands. Wait until they reach heaven. There will be chaos, the politics of ownership and self-righteousness.
And maybe then they’ll discover that God is so different from men. His ways are unfathomable and that what pleases Him is far less than what men would think. Yeah, He is cool like that.

And I have discovered that when it comes to God, none of us should boast about anything. Not at all. God is mysterious. So unpredictable. We should take one day at a time with Him, but should also have before us the whole array of the galaxy that is life well placed within our view. We should be seeing the stars within the galaxy, but never boasting about knowing why they are there. Because we don’t.

James 4:13ff: “Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit’ - yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.’ As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil.”

Have you ever read this verse somewhere in Romans 9:15: “For he says to Moses, ‘I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.’”? That is God speaking. We can’t judge or tell why He makes the moves He makes or why He does the things He does the way He does them, because (I have discovered) He chooses to do them like He gotta and like He wanna. He is God. Period.

If we’d prefer to take one step at a time with Him, then we’ll be less miserable. His mind is far too high for our understanding (Isaiah 55:8ff:“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.) But as the apostle Paul puts it in 1 Corinthians 2:16, He has revealed his mind to us: “‘For who has understood the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?’ But we have the mind of Christ.” And He also has “...made everything beautiful in its time... and put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end...” (Ecclesiastes 3:11). That is interesting.

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Finally, I have also discovered that life is a paradox. That it sways between one known and several unknowns. I have a feeling that this is okay... but let’s talk about it some other time.

I know you have your own discoveries, but it is just your pen that needs some ink.

And you need some good paper. And a glass of water... Water? Yes, water. :-)

Maybe.
Until next time,

Bonface Morris.

Tye Tribbett & G.A.'s "What Can I Do?" Lyrics and Download

I bet one of the best contemporary Gospel music albums I came across last year was Tye Tribbett and Greater Anointing's "Greater Than".
The Stellar Award winning singer together with his choir "Greater Anointing" (G.A.) have one of their songs, If He Did It Before... Same God, (from the same album) nominated for various awards - including the Grammys.
That sounds great, and (methinks) Tye actually deserves it after his sabbatical due to a scandal that almost brought down his marriage. You can feel it in the message in the songs in this album.
Well, this is the first album Tye is doing with G.A. after his sabbatical - the first one being "Fresh" which was a solo studio album.
The song I share is just a pick from the best in this album. So here goes...

      Downloads (from my drive): High quality mp3 (larger size). Low quality mp3 (smaller size).

Song: What Can I Do

Track number: 9

Album: Greater Than

Year released: 2013

Artist: Tye Tribbett and Greater Anointing (G.A.)

Lyrics

Chorus:
(Tell me what can I do?
'Cause I can't live without You, I can't live without You) x3
Verse 1:
So here's my heart, here's my mind
I give You my soul Lord, I need You to take control
Cause I've tried it all, tried it on my own but
But what I found is I can't make it

Bridge:
(On my own, on my own
I can't make it, I can't make it) x2

Chorus:
(So tell me what can I do?
'Cause I can't live without You, I can't live without You) x3

Verse 2:
So here's my heart, here's my mind

I give You my soul Lord, I need You to take control

Cause I've tried it all, tried it on my own but
But what I found is I can't make it

Repeat Bridge x2

Repeat Chorus x2

Vamp:
Solo: Oooh, Ooooh, Ooooh
All: Oooh, Ooooh, Ooooh

      Oooh, Ooooh, Ooooh

      Oooh, Ooooh, Ooooh

Solo: Lord I can't walk without You

All: Lord I can't walk without You
Solo: I can't talk without You

All: I can't talk without You
Solo: Lord I can't sing without You
All: Lord I can't sing without You

Solo: I'm nothing without You
All: I'm nothing without You

Solo: I can't live without You

All: I can't live without You
Solo: I can't breath without You
All: I can't breath without You

Solo: I can't be without You
All: I can't be without You

Solo: And Lord I confess, that there's no me without You Lord

All: I can't walk without You
I can't talk without You
I can't sing without You
I'm nothing without You
I can't live without You
I can't breath without You
I can't be without You

Solo: There's no me without you

End:

(So tell me what can I do
Cause I can't live without
I can't live without You) x2....

Leadership: Mentorship and Consultancy

I am your consultant if all you need from me is advice, but I am your mentor if we have a relationship and you do all that I tell you to do – Bonface Morris.

It has been two years since I started this blog, and I know that most of you (especially those I lead) have been wondering why I have never written something specifically on leadership.

Well, part of the answer is that I have never considered myself a “writing leader", but just a “leading leader”. Okay, don’t rant already, the issue is that “Wherever my pen leads me, I obediently follow…”, remember? And it (the pen) has never been leading me to write about leadership. Until today.

The other part (of the answer) is that I really don’t know why I have never specifically written about leadership. I honestly don’t know why. And when I don’t know about something, I don’t have to explain myself, do I? Good.

I am pressed on both sides (please don’t ask me what “both” stands for here) to write about leadership. Maybe it is because it is at the beginning of the year and I want to be an influence on how you’ll interact with your subordinates this year (as a leader) or on how you will interact with both your fellow colleagues and leaders in the course of this year. Yeah, maybe.

But it is majorly because a good part of last year (2013) was spent looking at “Leading Young” – a book by one Gibson Anduvate (a Youth pastor at ICC Nairobi - @anduvate on Twitter.)

I have not yet read the book, but (please) take the word “looking” in the above sentence to mean that after reading various reviews from reliable sources indicating that the book is a gem worthy my salt, I somehow have gained the authority (and audacity) to say that I have looked at it. (By the way, don’t all of us do that same thing quite so often? Don’t deny it. How many times on twitter, have you claimed to have seen a TV Show, read a book, watched a movie (or a TV series), watched/played a game or that you have been to a certain place just after reading several posts from people with a deep knowledge of such things? Many times, right? Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. You have done it, so don’t call in a bluff on me.) *Pun intended*

Anyway, after looking at those reviews, I have decided that Leading Young is what I am into. That it is what I am gonna put both my feet into. I am only 27 of course, but that doesn’t matter much. Many will claim that I have not gained much experience to talk about and/or write about certain issues (even on this blog), but you know what? That doesn’t matter – at least not to me. What matters (I think) is that this generation needs direction and as far as I am concerned, Christ has given that direction to most of us. All I want to do is to point as many young people as possible to the way He has already pointed and is leading me…

As I write this, I am thinking about you. I am hoping that what I share here will be useful to all of us: from leaders and mentees and in the church, to the corporate and administrative world and deep down to all statutory fields.

I mean, how many leadership meetings or seminars have we attended? How many TED Show episodes have we watched? What about the number of books we have all read on leadership, mentorship and management? *Sigh!* They are so many. Innumerable. Countless, even.

They all have told us at some point to get a mentor (a noun which is defined in the online Merriam-Webster Dictionary as a trusted counselor or guide; a tutor or coach.) That is how it all goes. Always.

“Get someone to mentor you…”

“In order to succeed in any field, you need a mentor…”

“You cannot do without a mentor…”, they say.

They have told us that having a mentor will help us avoid the various mistakes others preceding us have made in the same field(s) we are in. And we’ve loved their advice. Yes, we even quote it (this advice) from time to time when we are called upon to teach a few people about the same. We quote them (these famous writers and speakers) and we come out feeling fat with knowledge and that we have accomplished “mentoring” a few people... And it all ends there. 

But going back home, we face the reality that is always staring at us so menacingly: we don’t even have mentors ourselves! Dang!! Talk about drinking all the age-old wine as we give out the precious water! 

Take for instance, myself. I don’t have a mentor as far as writing and authorship is concerned; and er, even musically (because I do sing most of the time :-)). All I have are role models. I may claim to have a few people I consult with, but I have no solid mentor (meaning that I have no one that I am directly answerable to or one who guides me accordingly in matters to do with writing and singing). And I am so accustomed to it that I have normalized it. I give excuses. I sleep on it. I play around with it. I get away with it. Always. My most famous excuse being, “I am not exposed enough. I don’t have enough support… There is no one around me who DOES write the DEEP STUFF I would associate with. So what do you expect me to do? Give birth to a mentor and then follow them?” And my excuses go on and on and on…

But later, somebody whispered to me a very important thing which I whisper to you too today: “Morris, first understand the relevance and meaning of mentorship and consultancy in all their fields of application, then start becoming one so that the next generation will not claim to have lacked someone like you and give excuses like you do…” Do you get it? I got it then.

There is a certain story I was reading last week on Forbes titled “The Single Greatest Piece of Advice Steve Jobs Gave ‘Frozen’ Executive Producer John Lasseter.” Well, at a glance, the article is about Lasseter repeating in various interviews he was giving one statement Steve Jobs (of course you know Jobs) told him while making a short animation film called “Tin Toy” (later known as “Tin Story”.)

Jobs had told him to “make it great” (the film). Lasseter has never forgotten those words to date. 

Of course Lasseter had gone to Jobs for consultation (a meeting in which someone talks to a person about a problem, question, etc - Merriam-Webster) but as it turns out, Jobs ended up being his mentor. Consultation turned into mentorship the moment Lasseter did exactly what Jobs had told him to do and sought to show his “consultant” the achievement he had gained after his advice. But if Jobs was just but an option amongst many that Lasseter was seeking advice from, he would have remained but a consultant to Lasseter.

In Biblical contexts, I will pick on an example known and relevant to all of us: that of God, Moses and Joshua. 

In the Book of Numbers 27, we witness Moses ordaining Joshua to be leader over Israel under the Lord’s command:-

Num 27:18-23 (ESV): “So the LORD said to Moses, ‘Take Joshua the son of Nun, a man in whom is the Spirit, and lay your hand on him. Make him stand before Eleazar the priest and all the congregation, and you shall commission him in their sight. You shall invest him with some of your authority, that all the congregation of the people of Israel may obey. And he shall stand before Eleazar the priest, who shall inquire for him by the judgment of the Urim before the LORD. At his word they shall go out, and at his word they shall come in, both he and all the people of Israel with him, the whole congregation.’ And Moses did as the LORD commanded him. He took Joshua and made him stand before Eleazar the priest and the whole congregation, and he laid his hands on him and commissioned him as the LORD directed through Moses.”

But the firm relationship between God, Moses and Joshua did not begin here. It begins some few years back in Exodus 17. In this passage (Exodus 17), we see the Israelites facing their ancient enemy - the Amalekites - and as Moses stands on top of a hill lifting up his hands, Joshua is out there fighting and carrying out the Lord's order against the Amalekites. 

Joshua is seen as a young man who is ardently interested in what Moses and God are doing and he is involving himself in it. Mark that one – he is involving himself in what his mentor is doing. 

In Numbers 13, when God commands Moses to send spies to Canaan to explore the land, and bring back a report on what they had seen in the land, twelve men (one from each tribe of Israel) are sent and among them are Joshua son of Nun (the same Joshua mentioned above) and Caleb son Jephunneh. After their return, I want you to notice that only these two were able to give a report that matched God’s and Moses’ plan for Israel, and thus from this point on, Moses starts noticing the leadership ability in Joshua and the possibility that God may be preparing him (Joshua) to take his (Moses') place.

How and why, you ask? First, it is because Joshua is seen almost everywhere that we see Moses and God – the mentee is seen with his mentor everywhere he goes. Second, Joshua is not just a spectator to the things Moses is doing, but is concerned and involved in all the activities Moses is doing. Third, Joshua is carrying the same vision for the people of Israel as did Moses – by not seeing defeat in the hands of their enemies but by believing what the Lord their God was saying about them as a nation...

We therefore  realize that the one thing about Lasseter and Joshua that syncs is that they both followed and did what those with the knowledge of things in their fields told them. They didn’t have to desire to become like their mentors (which is important but still limits one to a certain way of doing things); but they did become more like them simply by following their instructions. They did not reduce their mentors to mere consultants but went ahead and exercised their words, thus becoming real mentees.

If mentorship has to make sense at all – like the sense Jesus’ mentorship brought on all his disciples, except one (Judas) – the mentee has to be in one accord with his/her mentor, and they should at least agree on the same vision. Without this, the so-called mentor in converted into a consultant – a person who only offers advice and direction but has no relationship with the other seeking help in his/her field. 

If any friction through misunderstandings occurs, it is to be amicably solved so that the path towards the goal is not compromised.

So many people want to be like Lasseter (or Moses, Joshua and Jesus in spiritual contexts) but they still neglect that unique thing about these two parties (and allow me to compare them in contexts of mentorship only, because in other contexts, the Biblical examples given are incomparable). 

These two first recognized their passion (or field of work/operation), then they identified people in their fields that “stuck out” and then followed in their footsteps without looking back… 

I’m gonna need to find mine.

Maybe the problem we have with mentorship today that seeks to convert it into consultancy is that most potential mentors fear being overridden by their mentees. This problem is two-way: either the potential mentee is overambitious and wants to override his boss/mentor; or the potential mentor is jealous, envious or terrified of the upcoming potential mentee… Oh well, let’s make that a story for another day… 

Lastly, I want us to notice some differences between mentors and consultants. I feel that these two words have been being used interchangeably but in a wrong way. They are not the same thing.

What mentors do (it can be to one individual or to a group of people):-

1.        They advice you, encourage you and guide you accordingly

2.        Are concerned about your growth and check in to see how far you have gone as related to your field of work

3.        They share about their experiences and shortcomings and help you overcome yours

4.        They are in the same field as you are and seek to achieve the same goal as you do

What consultants do (it can be to one individual or to a group of people):-

1. They give you advice on the situation challenging you, and that is all. They are more of counselors than mentors.
2. They may never check in on you to monitor your growth as pertaining your challenge (unless asked)
3. They establish no relationship with the concerned party
4. They may not share the same interests with you, but if they do, you only seek after   them when you are stuck.

I think that is enough for today. I hope that you can now identify who is who and where in your life, and/or who you are to the few or many people you interact with daily.

Meet/see you next time, right here.

Bonface Morris.

Twenty-Fourteen: Life, Relationships and Everything Between

Just a few days ago – a week or so, to be precise - I shared something on my end-year cum festive-season reflections in what I called "nanoreflections". If you haven't read that post, read it here.

This post is a sequel to that one and it seeks to emphasize on a few issues relevant to any new season. It is not [in any way] advice, (oh, it may be) but just a series of life-questions and views.

Apparently, I just want to talk to us, and, er, help us get into 2014 with some bits of focus and confidence, and with well-directed perceptions of life and those around us.

But before that, let me open up a little about writing, and especially writing in the festive season...

I am putting on paper [almost] everything that has been spiraling in my mind - thanks to my sticky notes and my notepad - in the few days I've been both idle and busy with celebrations. Why? I may grow mad if I don't. (Literally).

Every writer will tell you that it is "extremely normal" to feel "extremely mad" when so many words are passing through your mind and you JUST can't hold them in or put them out in time. It is even more okay to become dumb on someone trying to interfere with your thought line.

This is what happens: a certain urge to vent out thinks (things and thoughts) comes upon you, and you acquire a status of between screaming and shouting, or of between sitting and running; and a force purges from within your lungs (or from wherever within you), because your hand fails to [somehow] tap on the keyboard (or to scribble things on a piece of paper) as fast as your mind is pulling them out; and it is at this time that the heart within you thuds tremendously and your skin increases in tension, and the pumping of blood increases; because beauty is fighting to be let out but it is sticking somewhere and some of it is getting swallowed, and you don't like it...

Eventually, you feel a mixture of excitement and hysteria taking over you, like a sneeze that just won't go off... And worse it will be, if a couple of hyperactive people around you ask you questions and request that you get involved in their "fun"...

You may slightly lift your head, shift on whatever is holding your weight, stare at each one of them conspicuously and after kinda 30 seconds, say nothing at all. They may feel angry for being taken for granted, rant their most, bring out those platitudes they have of you and waste your good five minutes while trying to paint you as the-most-wicked-unsocial-and-punitive-introvert-in-the-world. You may mundanely smile back, or fracture their egotistic selves by exchanging their statements with a plain, emotionless face, and continue struggling with the speed at which words are rushing in your brain... they may even constitute to the adrenaline rush by giving you more ideas...

Oh well, lemme spare you that entire bunny droll...

So, back to our theme...

My observations this festive season have been centered on people's character and behavior. I have observed that it is character and behavior that manifests and depicts the growth of a person as interpreted by those around him/her. Also, regardless of whether you are saved or not, character and growth in life are the two things in life you cannot jump over. We all behave in a certain way and grow to a certain extent. Just differently, but we all do. If not so, we all are dead or are in the process of dying.

Now, because one of the most basic catalysts of life is behavior which intertwines itself in character and leads to a given level of growth, and that without growth we are all exposed to ridicule by redundancy and stagnation or even death itself, behavior, character and growth become the power(s) that drive life - they are the main proof of life. 
And if [at all] they do prove life, how is Twenty-Fourteen going to be with regard to these three? How are we going to trim them so that to make this year the year that marks the beginning of our treading the uncharted territory?

Let's check it out and see a few things that we may need to change in our behavior and character in order to prove our positive growth; or rather, a few things that may make our relationships with those around us more bearable in Twenty-Fourteen.

Here goes... (and I promise that this one is gonna be reaaaaaaally long)…

To all dudes:-

1.      On drinking and partying
It is thought today that the much a man drinks proves his knowledge of partying. Well, I've seen some. They call it "having fun". Fun? Yes, fun. They say drinking yourself silly is fun. And all this time, I’ve been hoping to believe (under some degree of supernatural conviction) that fun includes having hangovers, becoming broke, having a sore body, sleeping in a trench and making God sad through bad use of your body. I’ve been hoping. For a while now. I’ve not succeeded to hope enough though... But be it as it may, my mixture of hopes and observations have noted that 70% of these boys who drink themselves silly still depend on their parents. Yeah, they are just boys. Boys who have not yet learnt to earn their own money and waste it on liquor (that is if liquor is worthy wasting money on). Maybe they'll learn a few lessons then grow up later, no? Lesson learnt? A boy drinks himself silly and parties all day without a break, but a man is conscious of his indulgence, his company and about tomorrow. 
Make a decision on what you wanna be this year. A boy or a man?

2.      On lying and honesty in our relationships. 
In worldly contexts, lies are considered to be the standard measuring unit for a man – his mantra. They say that a man is wired to lie. They are stupid. (Those who say this.) Men are not wired to lie, boys are. They are boys who lie about all things in their lives. Men speak their minds. Men speak the truth, no matter how blunt and painful it may be. Men share issues, and their women help solve them; while boys lie about issues, and their girls swoon over them… So, my dear friend, are you going to be a man [of your word] or a boy full of lies? It is your choice.

3.      On being haphazard.

Someone I respect a lot once told me: Rush the much you want Morris, that is what you young people think life is all about; but come back and be certain that there are two things you can’t rush and recover; time and your age… I’ve been flipping through that advice for a while now and I’ll tell you something about it after I’m done…

With the current flip in technology, everything seems to be running too fast. Android OS versions and phones are coming out every other night. Apple is unleashing products like the wind. All sorts of things are being done to DNA. Robots are becoming more real by the day. Smart homes are becoming the envy of everyone... “So why not go with the flow?” you ask. You don’t have to, do you? If everything in this world ran at our speed and as fast as we would want it to, then everything will end up being messy. (Methinks.) Calm down. Relax. Life was never meant to be rushed. Become a man and see the big picture, rather than being the boy that runs into everything without thinking of the outcome, or without seeing the future. It’s our choice anyway…

4.      On reliability and responsibility 
One outcry I have heard from my lady friends over and over again this festive season is that 90% of we men are still boys – still piping in the drains of boyhood. Yes, you heard me right: 90% of these guys you meet and see are still boys (Ladies et al.) Ladies have been telling me that they are tired of acting as our mothers and elder sisters and at the same time being our fiancées. They are tired of our lack of commitment and playing the man in our relationships. They are tired of our lack of concern and dedication to our relationships. They are tired of us being wimps and play boys. O! They are tired of so many things. Over this season, and while interacting with several of them, they’ve insisted on one single thing: let the so-called men in their lives stop playing boys. They say this: boys play girls and have a string of them and think that females are objects of pleasure and meeting their lustful creeds; men date ladies/women, value them for who they are and plan to marry them. It is our choice guys, what we wanna be this year.

5.      On being the serious and the moody type.

I know this one is gonna catch us unawares. But seriously, who said that men should not know how to switch profiles? (And by ‘profiles’ I mean our reaction to things.) Who said so? Who said that a broke man should always avoid his lady (unless she is a girl – which I am going to address in the next part of this post) or that a “stressed” man is hell-fire? I am being told that a humorous broke man is better than a gloomy endowed man (Ladies et al.) I am also being told that a generous and charismatic man is more attractive than a stingy and moody man.

Guys, again, it is our choice this year what we wanna be.

To all ladies:-

1.      On nagging and drama.

Oh! I know something fah real: every lady and every girl has a degree of drama installed inside her by default, no matter how good they may be. After saying that (and I will allow you to make as much noise about it as you may want to), allow me to point you ladies to a certain direction. Who told you that partying and drinking yourself silly makes you attractive? Huh? Seriously ladies, and who told you that sleeping with as many men as you can’t count and surmounting drama to your name makes you famous? I know there are words like socialite that have become “fashionable” of late, thanks to the internet. Yeah, most of you think that drama and tweefs make you famous. I can see it in most people’s twitter updates. (They won’t do it on Facebook because it will betray their “decency” to their close friends and relatives). There is one point to note though ladies: Girls are drama queens. Girls flirt with every other man they meet. Girls nag all the time. Girls manipulate men. Girls complain and rarely appreciate what their men do for them. But women, yes, well-refined ladies and women, cannot exchange their dignity for cheap fame. Get it right: Women have standards, and they make these standards known. Women support their men, take care of them, are concerned about them and appreciate the little (or much) they receive from them. Women know their boundaries as far as drama, gossip and nagging are concerned. Yes, you’ve heard it, so go on and make a choice this year. 

2.      On insecurity and self image.

Sometimes real men wish that women would understand just one simple concept of attraction: beauty of the skin and a great body figure will fade away, but the greatest of beauties is the beauty of the heart and the strength in a woman’s personality. Of course a man is attracted to your outer beauty too, but he won’t be feeding on that beauty daily nor will it help him welcome friends and keep/preserve relationships that are meaningful to both of you. He will need something deeper - a great personality that matches that beauty. That’s what will keep him. So ladies, why not put more weight and attention to your character, behavior and inner countenance than spending all the time bellowing about a man who seems distant? Why should other women concern you too much if you at all take care of your personality and your man? Aki promise me that this is what you are going to work on this year. Promise me that you will worry more about your-all-round self image than those shoes or dress you don’t have. Promise me that you will not be insecure about yourself or your man when around other ladies. Promise me o sweet little beau… J

3.      On being THE woman in your man’s life

I grew up knowing that women are always in control. Blame my mother, but that is how I knew women should be. I mean, only girls lack territory. Women have their feet grounded upon their territory, and they let everyone know it. You’ve heard the story about the lioness, right? You’ve even watched it on National Geographic, right? Of how she can kick Father-Lion’s a** and those little cubs to hell when they try to bring in nonsense, right? Yeah, that’s what a woman is all about. But I am not here to imply that women should beat up their men Nyeri style, oh no! That is what girls do: beat up their men, act like tomboys, go on silent mode for a decade in repayment for small mistakes done, torch down a house… Seriously!? A woman who knows that she is in control is not a control freak to her man, but she also doesn’t tolerate nonsense from him. She goes about her business and makes him know when he oversteps boundaries. That is a real woman. A Proverbs 31 kind-of woman. Strive to become one this year.  

4.      On being an attention freak

I know that all women deserve some degree of attention – especially from their men and a few of their fellow women. It is genetic. That is okay. Your man (that is if he is a man and not a boy) should compliment you from time to time, hug you, pamper you, bla bla bla… But why boil with negative emotion(s) over him not complimenting you for a day? Seriously? Why turn down his calls just because he didn’t tell you that you were looking good when he met you in the morning? Stop being childish. Grow up this year.

5.      On independence and the fluffy affirmative action

I’ll be on point on this one: ladies, please stop competing with men this year (or nay other time for that case).

Whoever thinks that equality and equity are useless in matters to do with gender is wrong. However modern we are, or have become, God still values the status that a man should initiate leadership in the home and in relationships. I don’t deny you [ladies] holding leadership positions and owning stuff as a much as men do, that is great. But for once, just be proud that you were born a woman. We will value you as that. Don’t wish to be a man. That is becoming girly and senseless.

Yeah, that’s another one to consider this year.

I have to stop here. This can be longer than you can read, and that is not good for your reading health (nor is it for my writing health)… But, er, to add on something small but relevant: please stop replacing "s" with "x" in any of your writings this year. Leave that to teenagers. :-)

So do we choose to live like we are twenty or like we are fourteen this Twenty-Fourteen?

It is our choice to make.

Bonface Morris.