I Have A Type

People interested in how I am doing - relationships-wise and generally in life - have been asking me a lot of questions of late.

These questions have been centered upon current trends in relationships and things like on-line dating (inclusive of social media hookups, stalking and WhatsApp what-nots), having "types" (which is what I am trying to address in this post) and getting the eternally evasive "Mr/Mrs Right".

These are common relationship concerns amongst people of my age, and it is obvious that we cannot (in the widest use of the word) conclusively dissolve them in a few minutes. Nope. They require time, and research, and blabbering (lots of blabbering :-)), and yeah, agreement, in order to get everyone on the same page and drive the point home. Questions on relationships are like thus... (methinks.)

So with the many questions I have been being asked, something came up: types, yeah, types. And in that discussion, we revolved around TV Shows like Tujuane (now being aired on NTV) and Are You My Type (aired on KTN).
I will give you an account of the latter.

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Just the other day, @KTNKenya started airing a dating reality TV Show called "Are You My Type?". The name on its own baffled many and it somehow stirred excitement in all of us - the kind of excitement that is always common amongst middle income Kenyans when new stuff is being introduced on our TV screens. But after the show premiered, and knowing the kind of background our African culture has handed over to us, and that we have not yet fully come to terms with adopting Reality TV Shows or anything close to them, the program has not yet received placable positive feedback (at least from what I gather on various webosphere streets).

@KTNKenya's "Are You My Type?" (#KTNMyType) is aired on Saturdays from 8-9pm, EAT.

Nevertheless, I think the TV Show (or program depending on what you think of it) is still achieving it's goal: bringing in discussions on relationships and dating and whether we can boldly and openly give a portrait of a specific person and the traits we would want to have in a partner or not. It has led to many of us pretending that "we don't have a type" or that "we DO have a type, but it is complicated", and others maintaining that a type is overrated, yet still, others calmly saying that they Do have a type.
This post is part of those discussions.

So, anyway, what is "a type?" 
To me, a type is a preference someone has for someone of the opposite sex based on various habits, character, behavior, personality and values they find [attractive] in the other person. That is a type.

And if that is the correct definition of a type, then I guess I am right to say that we all have types. Right? We all prefer a certain people to others. We all are choosy when it comes to relationships. We would rather hang around a certain league of friends, and not others. We tend to like a certain person more because of who and what they are as perceived by us (whether objectively or impulsively), and not just because they are a person. We all have a type. 

Consider this...

Take for instance, Adrian and James. They are two friends with different tastes (another word that is used alongside a type) in women. Let's say that they both are born again Christians and that they both will have one central criterion in choosing which woman suits their world - a saved lady.

Mmmmhhh... And given that time, opportunity and chance and all the other constraining factors are put at a constant, Adrian, when asked which lady he'd prefer as his woman, will give the following description; saved (as a central factor), beautiful, homely, kind, generous, outgoing, extroverted, sensitive, intuitive and so forth and so on...
On the other hand, when asked, his friend will come up with the following qualities; saved (as a central factor), faithful, introverted, calm, obedient, thoughtful, independent...
Adrian thinks that obedient and introverted women are wimps and, er, douchebags (forgive me for that), but James reiterates that such women are supportive, warmly, encouraging and comforting (considering the kind of work he does...).
You can see that there are a few differences in the choices made by the two about a lady that each would prefer - one which fits in their world, about their type...

Also consider this...

Annabelle and Susan are good friends. They have been friends from five years of age when their families were relocated to the same town and begun living in the same estate. One almost knows what the other may want in life - including men (or so they think.) Both of them are saved ladies, and will both want a saved man (that is their central factor) for a relationship. But when asked, these BFF cannot have the same choice in what they want in that saved man, or any saved man in particular!

Annabelle prefers a man that is tall, yet to Susan, height is not a factor. Annabelle prefers a well groomed man: short hair, fashion-sensitive and savvy (not necessarily formal but cool), with good eye contact, assertive and ambitious and not necessarily wealthy but earning a living and able to take care of her and her babies (yeah, she's already thinking of marriage :-)); but her friend on the other hand prefers a laid back man, well-groomed (and specifically one that loves suits and is formal in his dressing code), educated, ambitious and one who can literally "spoil her with goodies" (wealthy). Annabelle thinks that wealthy men are insensitive, loud-mouthed and braggarts, while her friend denies it and says that such men offer security both to her and to the future family...
The two friends differ in their choice of the kind of man they like.
They have types. 

A type is the key to falling in love.

After the lecture above (which actually is my distorted research), there are a few things we need to understand about having a type;

1. You have a type. He/she exists. Whether saved or not, you have a preferred type of person/spouse you want in your life and not just anyone. No one just fits in your life. No. Your relationship life revolves around picking out people with a certain balance of characteristics and values, so, yes, you have a type. Me too. :-)
2. Neither your friends nor your family conclusively know your type. They may give you suggestions and pointers, but you need to follow your heart/gut. It knows better. Like in the two illustrations above, Adrian cannot choose a lady for James, nor can James do the same for Adrian. The same goes to the ladies. One can give suggestions on what they think can suit the other but it should never be the final word. It will be catastrophic if Annabelle or either of the guys decides to put the future and worth of their relationships in their friend's hands. They'll get lost and end up regretting it in the long run. Why? Because whatever one sees in one person, is never always what the other sees in the same person... We all view and perceive people differently.
3. There are only two people that know your type: you and God, so stick to that script.
4. Sometimes, it is important to give people time. They may become your type, eventually. Don't push people away with so-called "first impressions". They may just have slipped from the norm, so give them time. Note: Remember I said sometimes... not always. Know the difference.
5. What dating (or courtship in Christian circles) does is to help one gauge the other person against various wants and needs they have. Dating/courtship is a selfish (but good way, or woreva way) of sieving amongst many people, in order to get the right type. It is a way of saying, "I am secretly interviewing you for a job, a job of taking care of me and all that I am, and I need you to fit that criterion..." :-)
6. Types are at the center of falling in love. Yes, you heard me right. We fall in love based on how other people make us feel when they are in sync with our love language (I will talk in length about the love language soon.)

Now you know you have a type, and that I have one too. Let's deal with it. We can continue living in denial -  as a way of dealing with it - or we can accept it as it is and be dealing with it too...

So, be it as it may, let's just deal with it anyway.

Until some other time,


Bonface Morris.