Surviving On Maybes

So you realize you were wrong.

But you can't undo it.
It's like the sun has set and the day is done. You can't bring it back.
So you promise yourself to do better next time. To spin it differently.
But maybe there is no "next time".
And you are not sure if everyone affected will understand you're remorseful.
Or that you deserve a second chance.
Or that you are not "who they think you are".
Or that you have now truly changed.
Or that it was just an accident.
For what it's worth, this was not "you".
You overreacted. You overestimated. You overstepped. You insinuated.
This was not "you"!!
So you live begging for the resurfacing of an opportunity to undo your mistakes.
You live waiting for that day when you would act "you" to prove who you really are.
You live surviving on maybes...

*******
Maybe he was right, maybe he wasn't.
He got swallowed up by thin lines.
Overwhelmed by them.
He got dragged in slowly.
It wasn't intentional. No, it wasn't.
He had believed he would beat the urge to become what he had always dreaded he might become: a failure.
People now think he is one.
They think he is a jerk too. Dang.
It only took two minutes.
Yes, two minutes and nobody now believes that all he had been to them for years meant something.
It feels so bad that nobody wants to believe in him anymore.
Come on. He has been their mini-hero for such a long time. Why can't they listen to his side of the story even a little bit?
I mean, why are people so mean?
Or maybe they are giving him time, eh?
They'll soon come around, yes?
He crossed a line.
That he knows. He acknowledges it too.
He crossed a line.
He got drank.
He had sex.
With a minor.
Will they really come around? These people?
He crossed a line.
He got emotional.
He booked a room.
He slept with a colleague.
The effect of all that is now weighing in on his marriage.
Will it really come around?
Maybe.
But our friend is surviving on maybes...

*******
Maybe he'll marry her, maybe he won't.
He has never said he is interested.
Not even hinted it.
But they've been together for kinda forever.
People, friends, colleagues, cats, flies etc say they look good together.
They say it. They beat them the drums of hail and say.
They keep waiting.
She keeps waiting.
For him to say he's interested in taking it to the next step.
Wait-a-minute. What is keeping this dude from proposing?
Or they're in some kind of game, eh?
A game? Oh, so it's a game now?
Can she now launch her own?
Where she can go on her way and tell him she is moving on. Or something close to that...
Something like, "Dear, I'm moving to Dubai on Monday next week. It'll be harder to work this out after I'm gone so it's better we move on with life separately."
Then maybe this will bring him back to his senses.
Maybe the dude will then say, "Dear, I had plans for us. I was gonna pop the question this coming month and we'd be a couple by the end of the year. How do you see it!?"
Maybe this would work. Maybe.
You know what? Our gal is surviving on maybes...

*******
He has been praying about it for years.
Two years. Three. Several.
That she may change.
That she may become better.
Learn to be herself. Let go of her pettiness. Let go of her childish ish.
That she would become a woman. A lady. A noblewoman.
That she would have a vision for her life. Have a life. Stop believing in a lie.
That she would fantasize less and live in reality.
"Life is bleak", he has told her several times. "Don't wait until you're hopeless and blind to start groping for guidance. It may be too late."
She has looked at him almost the same way almost all the time he has said those things.
She thinks he overrates things.
She wants her pedestal and her chair and her groove pack.
He is her friend yeah.
And he needs to remind her that life is mixture of colors.
Sometimes black. Sometimes white. Sometimes grey. Sometimes colorless. Sometimes you don't even realize what color emanates.
But if all is surrendered to God and with knowledge that life is so colorful, it's gonna be well.
But maybe she'll simply roll her eyes and tell him, "I'm living my life, try to live yours."
Or maybe she'll listen this time.
Maybe.
Our guy is surviving on maybes...

*******
He has held her hand like this before.
Promising to make her days smile and her nights sigh in wonder.
He has said he loves her.
That he loves her more than his wife.
More than all those mistresses she has heard he has had.
"It is funny, babe. It is funny how people say bad things concerning me. I think they are envious of my success."
She has believed him.
That he is a good man.
That he is generous and goofy and honest and full of humor.
That his wife is a b***tch.
She has believed all this.
All this nonsense.
She has believed that he probably will ditch his wife for her.
Nonsense.
It is sad. It is false hope.
It is surviving on maybes.
She is surviving on maybes...

*******
So...
When life is a pool.
When it's a river.
When it's mud.
When it's a puddle.
When we find ourselves wading in and out wondering.
When all wonder is dark wonder.
When we think we're surviving.
When we know we are surviving.
Maybe that's life. Maybe it's not.
Maybe they are just maybes.
Or maybe we make life to be all about maybes when it should be about everything else.
Maybe.
Or maybe we are the ultimate life maybes...

Maybe, (take some time and think about it), in some tiny way, we are all surviving on maybes. 

Bonface Morris.