A Boyfriend, a Girlfriend, Christ and Everything Else

Note: This is my third blog from a series of posts this year celebrating February as “the month of love”. You can read the first blog here: Relationships – Is Grass Always Greener On the Other Side? and the second one here: Relationships and Short Stories: Thirty Dates, One Truth

And, later, read the last blog in this series here: Rhetoric: Love Is...

A boyfriend, a girlfriend, Christ and everything else.

Common sense tells me that every relationship has expectations. That is what I have always known. I don't know about you, but I always think that everyone comes into a relationship expecting something from the other person. 

From what I have gathered, I have found it true that people in relationships may pretend and mutter that "I love you baby, that is all the matters" but after they have loved someone and gotten used to it, it always goes down to, "Baby, [if] you really love me, you should be doing this and that for me..." 

I haven't met any two people in a relationship whose lives have not gone down that path after a while. We all seem to end up somewhere on that avenue where we begin expecting stuff to be done to/for us. 

In most cases, these mutterings - these unearthing expectations - may come down to pettiness, but it happens. And I now have come to a conclusion that it is normal. If we are able to expect something from the loyalty animals offer us, I think someone in love expecting something from their beloved is not worth a downplay. It is normal.

There is something you also come to notice when looking at why/what two people in a relationship are expecting from each other: that the presesence of expectations also means that someone is demanding that the other should play a specific role or set of roles within the relationship. (Come on people, I hear marriages operate in the same way too.)

This set of roles lead to responsibilities which in turn become a sense or level of commitment one has towards the other person. The main problem is when these expectations either flare signs of too much neediness or want to throw in augmentations of manipulation. But mutual responsiveness to each other's needs is what I am saying is here to stay. Expecting certain acts from either side of a relationship is normal. 

I am saying this because even Jesus - the very epitome of love and how it should be done - expects something out of his bride, the Church. Now, I am not trying to say that our boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are equal to Christ and His Church. No. The only relationship that can be compared to that one (of Christ and the Church) is marriage (Matthew 25:1-13). But I am saying that His example is the best as far as expectations and relationships are concerned.

Now, when one is in love, it is likely that their minds would not want to imagine that there would be quarrels amongst two people (especially themselves) on why/how/when/what should be done or what should be expected. Some people come into relationships expecting nothing but love. It may be possible that they are imagining of not wanting anything more than a kiss or two and words of affirmation from the other person. That is okay. These are the first stages of love: being smitten to the extent of not wanting to think with your mind. (But even these "common" and "negligible" needs are still expectations). 

As relationships progress from one stage to another, needs arise. And as it always is, all needs always call for action. And any action taken after realizing a need is always a reaction to meet a given expectation (now justifiably masquerading as a need.) I am saying this because, right then, everyone starts demanding something from the other person. Everyone starts becoming "petty". (It is viewed as pettiness because it was not existing before. It was once vivid, but now it is real.) And there may crop accusations that people are not being "loved enough" anymore (I've talked about this before on this blog) because they are being denied certain "rights" or opinions to issues. When keen observations are made, you will find out that what each party is now demanding for from the other party are solid "rights" and this concisely escalates into blunt expressions of disgust and contempt when these expectations are not met.

This is what now happens: people start expecting to be texted a little more than before, they start expecting to be called at certain times, to be supported, to be shown acts of love, to be valued, to be respected, to be given/shown attention, to be bought gifts, to be serenaded and to be pumped up with all forms of affection. 

It becomes a certain weird arena of demands and fights. A muddle of bad blood and stale emotions. 

I realized this sometime back after young people my age started asking questions in the following forms; 

• But we are [just] dating!! Why should he/she make such demands of me? 

• Can we kiss? He/she wants us to kiss!! Why is he/she tempting me to such an extend?!! 

• He demands to touch me, or caress me, or fondle, or for us to hold hands inappropriately. I can't bear with that!! He makes me so uncomfortable!!!

• Should we hug for that long? She says it makes her feel better but it makes me uncomfortable. It makes me feel bad about myself. 

• He/she is demanding for gifts and a date every week. Can I even manage that?!!

• He/she is demanding that I visit them every weekend... I think this is too much!! Can't I even have time [just] for myself!!? 

And so forth and so on. 

I know that after reading the above questions - and I promise that this is just the tip of the whole mountain - some of you are now retorting: "Aaaah, stupid and childish games!" and I'm here to unhesitatingly tell you that "You should know people!", and, "Yes, every Christian relationship has it's own slide of pettiness and they are mostly overcrowded with aimless spiritual connotations. Deal with them as they come."

While at it, have you ever imagined that as far much as we expect "things" from our baes and it seems [just] alright, Jesus is also expecting a whole lot of things from our relationships? 

Wait-a-minute, is He? 
Yes, He is. 

That is what I am here to talk about; not our demands from our bae's (which we have already declared normal) but Jesus' expectations of us in our relationships. 

If we claim to belong to Him and our claims are not mere fallacies, then He has every right to demand a few things from us and our relationships in the same way we demand the same of others. 

Who said that Jesus doesn't care about our relationships and everything surrounding them? Well, if you think or thought so, why would He die to save the very hearts that we are using to love our baes? Isn't it because He cares about hearts and what takes place in them? These hearts can't be useless to Him who died for them. The same heart that loves Jesus is the same heart that throbs for my girlfriend. I bet you me that Jesus cares a lot about what happens in these hearts. (And, by the way, a heart that refuses to love Jesus wholly will also fail at loving other human beings wholly.)  

Because He cares about our hearts and relationships, here are a few things I've discovered He expects from us:

First, from all people in relationships, He expects that; 

1. We will maintain purity. Purity not only of the body but also of the heart and of the mind. Having sex isn't the only problem here, but that we as a whole will keep our minds, bodies and hearts to Him and for Him. 

2. We will make Him central in the relationships. Not to just think that He is central, but to truly entrust the relationship and everything in it to Him i.e. when all is well, and when everything is the devil. 

3. We would stop expecting too much of each other but put out focus on expecting everything possible from Him. Because, come on, all of us are just so kaput, broken and retarded. We are very poor at faithfully delivering anything. The only One who can fully deliver all our unreasonable expectations is Jesus. No one else. 

4. We would seek perfection in and from Him first before seeking perfection in and from anyone else. 

5. We both should love Him above our boyfriends and girlfriends. He knows that this will cause us to obey God more in every area of the relationship and stop converting our baes into gods.

Second, He expects the following of young men (me included) in relationships: 

1. To be gentle, loving, caring, supportive and forgiving towards the opposite sex. He uses the apostle Paul to command the following of us: 

1 Timothy 5:2 (NLT) "Treat the older women as you would your mother, and treat the younger women with all purity as your own sisters."

2. To love one lady only, and assure her so. Christ loves one Church, His body. He doesn't love "churches". To Christ, there are no "churches". Although many may say that this tall order belongs to marriage, I would say that a strong foundation to any meaningful marriage begins with reasonable relationships. Failed relationships speak the same language as failed marriages. If a man "loves" quite a "bunch" of ladies all at once, this man is not worthy of a daughter of God. He can't love her well whose Master loves jealously. (You can quote that, haha) 

3.  To be willing to sacrifice His time and self for her. Christianity is all about laying ourselves down for others. In fact, Jesus willingly did the same for us. He demands that every Christian does the same for the other. And relationships aren't different.

John 10:17 (NLT) "The Father loves Me because I lay down My life that I may have it back again." 

John 17:19 (NLT) "And I give Myself entirely to You so they also might be entirely yours."

4. He intercedes for her. 

Jesus intercedes for the Church. He also commands that we pray for one another. Relationships are not an exception. 

James 5:16 (NIV) "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

5. He protects her and leads her in His ways. 

He does it with words. With deeds. In humility. And intentionally. With honesty. With faithfulness. By leading her to the cross of Jesus and at His feet. 

No matter what, the man shall always be expected to take the leadership role (whether in relationships or in marriage.) Christ expects us to protect our baes by not leading them to a place of intimacy if we're not expecting to make them our wives. 

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV) "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."

Third and lastly, He expects the following of the lady. He expects that; 

1. She learns all the ways of a Christian woman from MATURE Christian women so that in the near future she may understand how to support her man, praise her man, submit to her man cheer her husband and lay down her life for her man. 

Titus 2:3 (ESV) "Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good and so train the young women to love their husbands and children."

2.  That as the weaker vessel, she learns to be led. 
Jesus says that women are the weaker vessel (not 'weak' but 'the weaker vessel' - there is a difference). It doesn't really matter what the present culture says, but Christ says so. If the guy isn't leading, ask him to, and also pray that he will learn to lead. 

Note: The point of leadership in relationships differs from that in marriage. Here, leadership is not the "you lead and I submit" type, but the "you lead and we seek Christ for direction" type. 

3. She possess a humble and gentle spirit.

I know someone would want me to quote a verse from 1 Peter 3 that applies to married women, but I won't. Although it is a great verse. But I'll quote the following verse: 

Philippians 4:5 (NIV) "Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near."

Gentleness has a way of revealing the Jesus in you ladies. It is a firmer grip on what you value than the adornments on your body. Embrace it. 

4. She prays for her boyfriend. 

This instruction is the same as the one for the young man above about interceding for the other. 

5. She guards her heart against the futile lies of the enemy. 

Eve loved foreign words. She loved them so much that she couldn't remember exactly what God through her husband Adam had instructed her to do with that fruit. She didn't guard her heart against foreign words that seemed true and sweet at the moment but poisonous and life-threatening in the end. 

Christ expects the redeemed lady to guard her heart against finding pleasure in the sweet words and enticements of foreign love from a guy that is not her own and from friends that mean her relationship harm. He expects her to live as a new being who has been redeemed from the sins, failures and mistakes of the first woman. 


I rest my case.

Keep expecting. And know that He is expecting too.

Further reading notes for guys:

(a) 5 NOTES ON DATING FOR THE GUYS

(b) 10 Disciplines of a Godly Man

And read the last blog in this series here: Rhetoric: Love Is...

Bonface Morris.