Sweet Becomes Sour: When a Breakup Is THE Scar You Have to Deal With

By Alice Ogutu

Side note: My bae will be sharing a few of her lessons and experiences on this blog from time to time. I’m letting her have this space to do so. I am sure these experiences will benefit all of us. Ukiona amekujenga sana (hehe), you may say so to her here on her Facebook or here on her Google+ to appreciate her writing. (But one sad thing is that she actually visits Facebook kinda once in a month, haha... But she'll respond to your Google+ message within the day). Also, if the above methods seem unsuitable to you, you may just drop a comment below the post (if necessary) and she’ll appreciate it.

So here goes…

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Sweet becomes sour: dealing with relationship breakups

I weep from heartbreak every time I hear of this. It’s never an easy thing to hear, especially when it happens to someone close. 

Loving someone and being loved back is the sweetest and best experience one can ever hope to have. With loving comes the risk of being hurt and disappointed, but this doesn't mean we should not love. Imagine how much God loves us yet we hurt Him every waking second; yet this has not made Him stop loving or caring for us. He loves us no matter what. Some of us love Him back because we have come to know and appreciate Him, while some don’t love Him because they have not come know Him for who He really is - they only hear of and about Him is sketchy ways.

When we decide to love someone, we always have some expectations from them, we want to be vulnerable but are afraid of the ‘what ifs’, the ‘buts’ and the ‘maybes’, so we tend to just give a part and not all of it.

I understand the pain that one feels when they are lied to by a person they trust and love, someone they gave their hearts to. I understand because I have been on both sides of this coin. I have lied and betrayed before and the same has happened to me in equal measures.

This is really hard for me to talk about but I will because I am not going to allow the enemy to take this chance from those who need to hear what I have to say. I won’t give him the pleasure or the satisfaction to see me drown in my guilt or pain of the past, because right now I am free, Jesus has made me free: He told me that when I repent and confess my sins, admit my guilt and ask for forgiveness sincerely and remorsefully then He will not count them against me, He will cast them far away just as the East is from the West.

God is a father, and I know this. The point is, most of us don’t have this connection with our parents making it difficult to have the same connection with God; so we wholly trust in the partners who come into our lives, thus when we are hurt, the pain clouds our minds and we might do despicable things to those around us and even to ourselves.

Let’s talk about what to do when you’ve been hurt or betrayed (the sweet becomes sour) and when your heart/trust is broken and forgiveness is the last thing you wanna do.

Have a look at this scenario; 
You are with this person whom you adore, they mean the whole world to you. You have given your whole to them. One day, you hear rumors spreading around about whom they’ve been seen with at the shopping centers or other public places. You get worried and wonder if these rumors are true, you ask and you just get a brush answer from them. So you let it slide because you know that they can never do such a thing to you.

Then on this one occasion, you actually see them with the same person, and how they act raises a lot of questions in your mind, turns out you actually know this ‘friend’. Now you’re pissed and decide to leave the place. Later on, the person you love tells you the whole story, how they have been helping this friend with a few issues and how things escalated, and how they tried to avoid all their approaches but in the end gave in because “they are just human”. At this point their betrayal is so much for you to handle, and you don’t even want to see them or be near them. So what should you do in such a case?

When you’re the one who has been betrayed, it doesn’t matter whether you’re a lady or a guy, the pain and the experience are the same. The only difference is how you handle it, and what kind of a relationship you were in.

Now, I’ll not speak of those who are used to being abused, or being lied to, or to those who always let their beloved off the hook even when they are on the wrong (we will talk about this some other day); I am going to talk to those who are in a relationship like mine. 

I think I’ll have to describe to you my relationship. I’ll try as much as possible not to just give you the good bit of it but also the bad: I’ll give you both because no relationship is ever a sweet and smooth ride all along.

Am writing this with the approval of my beloved. Our relationship is one of a kind, you know, the kind I’ve always dreamt of having given that my first really broke me up, and made me not to trust men. But then my bae came along, he is such a gentleman, I guess that is what caught my eye at first, he was always mindful of others and ready to help if it was within his capabilities. So when I fell for him, a part of me wanted to believe that he would treat me right and not like the previous guy. I was hurt with the thought of being in another relationship but he was patient, and he loved me all the same.

But things got messy, I fell into temptation after an argument with him, I betrayed him and then concealed the fact that I did. It was so difficult to carry the guilt because as time passed, I loved him more, and I was afraid of what would be when he came to know of the truth. This guilt put a strain in our relationship and other challenges just built up. I didn’t talk to him about it, till one day he asked me for a break to mend our relationship by mending myself.

During this time, I reconciled with God and I realized that I was not only drifting from my boyfriend but also from God, and this hurt me more. So I decided to work on it, do all I can to be right with God, and am happy to say that God was faithful, and He became the father and friend I desperately needed. He helped me overcome my guilt, sorrow, shame, pain and also showed me how to love just as He loves me.

I got the strength to confess of my transgressions to my boyfriend and asked for his forgiveness and a chance to mend our relationship. I knew that he would be hurt with the truth but I was ready to accept the decision he would have made pertaining us, if he wanted to walk away I was ready to let him go. And if he wanted to stay I was ready to love him and allow myself to grow with him.

Till date I thank God for giving me a guy who loves Him and is ready to obey Him. God said that we should forgive as Christ forgave us, we should love as Christ loves us, and we should give each other an opportunity to live without guilt in our lives. I have experienced that. 

Now, I know you may be saying that my story is too good to be true, but it is not, this is exactly what happened. I wrote it to prove that I have seen both sides of the coin of betrayal: I have been betrayed, and I have also betrayed; so whatever I share below is my personal experience of how you can deal with a breakup or with betrayal;

1.    Be ready to forgive

Whether the relationship will continue or not, people need to forgive each other. I say this because I know that not all will recover from such a betrayal. It usually doesn’t matter whether the mistake seems small or big in your eyes, you should be ready to give forgiveness. Why? Because God commands it from us (Matthew 6:14-15.) This should be done sincerely and honestly. This action shows that you have accepted what happened and are ready to move on. I understand that it won’t be easy but remember that with God all things are possible for He is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all we could ever think or imagine.

2.    Forgive yourself

This is usually the hardest thing, take it from me. I know how that feels. But if you put your heart and mind to it, then you will do it. What I know is that whether you are the one who is hurt or who has hurt someone, without forgiveness you cannot move past the mistake or experience. You need love, courage, understanding and trust. These can only be amply achieved through being at peace with yourself and setting yourself free from the guilt that may be haunting you (that’s what “forgive yourself” actually stands for.) Whether your relationship will come to an end or you will find the strength to move past it altogether, setting yourself free from regret and pity is a very practical step in healing. 

3.    Talk to someone… and talk to God

In our lives, we have at least one person who is our listening board. They may be a person, or it may be God. They are there because they are our friends and we talk to them with a lot of ease about most of the things happening in our lives. Whoever this person may be, talk to them about what you're going through, about how the betrayal makes you feel, and what the pain you're feeling makes you want to do. I say this because this person will think clearly for you and help you see that which you're blinded to due to the anger you may be harboring. I didn't trust myself completely, I couldn't pray, I felt like it was all over for me and the pain was too much. But I had a friend, a Christian one. He helped me, listened to me, prayed for and with me until I was able to move on past it. It even has reached a point where I can now look at my ex without hurting and without bitterness.

4.    Don't blame yourself

Blaming yourself is very dangerous. Looking back, I realize that if I didn't have the help of my Father (God), it is unimaginable where I would be right now. I was so depressed and thought that my ex treated me the way he did because I was not enough (yeah, that’s always an issue with us ladies, no?). My self-esteem was at ‘2’ (on a scale of 1 to 10.) I sallied in self-pity, and blamed myself for everything that had happened. I had to start from scratch to build myself up again, to love myself. God reminded me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and with Him I got through it all.

Right now, I am happy and in a new and different relationship. I am free to love God and myself. I am confident in the person I have become and I am grateful for the experience/s I have had. In all this, the lesson I have learnt is to never forget that God is ready to be with us through the sweet and through the sour.

Until next time,

Alice Ogutu.