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| Relationship Blues: Do you really want that breakup? |
There are actually a couple of times when people in relationships don't feel like being in those relationships. I've felt it myself, a number of times.
I bet people in marriages feel the same way a couple of times too - they just never talk about it. (Thank you married people for doing such a good work at hiding the difficulties in marriage. The Lord should really be smiling at y'all. No?)
As for me, I tend to think it is normal. I think it is normal to sometimes not want to be in the whole work that relationships are sometimes (that's the one thing single people should always take advantage of by the way - that the only person they can run away from is themselves, which isn't possible anyway.)
Also, not all relationships are meant to work out.
Relationships are beautiful, but they need work: time, sacrifice, commitment, humility... [REPEAT]. The challenge is that these attributes - plus many others - don't seem come in good supply nowadays. This causes people to want a break: either for good or for a while.
What I am trying to say is this: when you are in a place in your relationship where you feel like you should just be left alone, you ought to think about it in two ways; do I really want to quit or do I just need a break?
This is because not every feeling of lack of interest in a relationship has the same clear answer: a clear "yes" or a clear "no". With this is mind, let us consider a few scenarios where someone is doubting whether the relationship needs work or quitting. They may need to look at their relationship and ask the following questions;
1. Do I see a future in this relationship? Am I excited about the future of this relationship?
2. Is my lack of interest in this relationship genuine or artificial? Is my lack of interest real?
3. Is there a possibility that it has been triggered by an affair? Is either of us having an affair? Do I have genuine proof?
4. Is it my fault or the other person's: is there a commitment problem in this relationship?
5. Have I become so dependent on the other person until he/she has replaced God in my life?
6. Is this relationship manipulative? Is my partner taking advantage of me and my weaknesses?
7. Is there violence and lack of respect in this relationship?
8. None of us is willing to change concerning any matter that needs discussion and the other person's consent.
9. Is this relationship making us drift further away from God through unrepented sin? Is there a sin in this relationship that has become habitual and normal?
10. One or both of us are completely uncommitted in making the relationship work.
If someone answers "yes" to more than five questions above, they may really need to consider quitting. Those are real red flags.
But if someone answers "yes" to only three (or less) of the above issues, they may just need a short break that is mutually agreed upon by both of them in the relationship (which is a very healthy thing by the way as I'll explain in the last part of this blog).
In such a case, here is how I can help you;
1. Ask permission to be given sometime alone for introspection.
An emotionally healthy partner will have no problem giving you some time to be alone so long us it will benefit the relationship. This is not a breakup, it is simply allowing each other to refuel.
2. Talk about it.
Talk to your partner about your disinterest and where the relationship is headed. Talk about what is causing you to drift away. It may be something that can be resolved by a few tiny decisions between the two of you. Don't make the big leap before the talk.
3. Seek counsel from a trusted person.
Yes, the world is filled with hypocrites - including you and I - but as part of good decision-making, experts reiterate that involving a trusted third party will help you make decisions that are not fueled by emotions but that are fact-based and constructive. A trusted person will show you whether you really need a break, a breakup or you're simply into immature venting. And truly speaking, there is always someone you can trust. Talk to them about it.
4. It will be hard, I promise.
Putting away someone you've known for a while in order to focus on yourself and on the best way forward for the relationship is not easy. Really. Therefore, you really need to be emotionally mature and psychologically prepared in order to deal with it. If not, this whole thing will be one of the biggest mistakes you've ever made in your life.
5. Remember that in most cases, what you need is a break, not a breakup.
I've been there and this is what I can tell you: you cannot solve your every relationship problem with a breakup. That's not mature. You may need to consider lighter avenues of solving conflicts instead of running away from them.
In such a case, here is how I can help you;
1. Ask permission to be given sometime alone for introspection.
An emotionally healthy partner will have no problem giving you some time to be alone so long us it will benefit the relationship. This is not a breakup, it is simply allowing each other to refuel.
2. Talk about it.
Talk to your partner about your disinterest and where the relationship is headed. Talk about what is causing you to drift away. It may be something that can be resolved by a few tiny decisions between the two of you. Don't make the big leap before the talk.
3. Seek counsel from a trusted person.
Yes, the world is filled with hypocrites - including you and I - but as part of good decision-making, experts reiterate that involving a trusted third party will help you make decisions that are not fueled by emotions but that are fact-based and constructive. A trusted person will show you whether you really need a break, a breakup or you're simply into immature venting. And truly speaking, there is always someone you can trust. Talk to them about it.
4. It will be hard, I promise.
Putting away someone you've known for a while in order to focus on yourself and on the best way forward for the relationship is not easy. Really. Therefore, you really need to be emotionally mature and psychologically prepared in order to deal with it. If not, this whole thing will be one of the biggest mistakes you've ever made in your life.
5. Remember that in most cases, what you need is a break, not a breakup.
I've been there and this is what I can tell you: you cannot solve your every relationship problem with a breakup. That's not mature. You may need to consider lighter avenues of solving conflicts instead of running away from them.
In conclusion, I can say that breaks in relationships are very important for the following reasons;
1. They help both parties to "clear their heads".
When two people take time away from each other, they are able to analyze problems and make choices without emotional influence or breakdown. It is a good way to figure out what exactly is wrong and work on it with clear heads.
2. It helps in personal "refueling" and relationship rejuvenation.
Every journey needs a work through; emotional stability, counting costs along the way and being ready to meet them. Some time alone will help both of you "refuel". So long as you agree on how long you need the break and how you'll relate during the break, it will be okay. That's why we're calling it a break, not a breakup.
3. Breaks can help break cycles of sin.
If you keep sinning sexually or emotionally or thought-wise, a break will be the best thing for you. 30 days minimum. Take time to reflect, to refocus, to break away from the sinful cycle of lust by seeking help from the Spirit of God. Minimum contact is required during such times.Maybe that's what your relationship needs in order to be godly again.
Note: You cannot break a bad relationship habit under the same conditions that created it. That's why you may just need to consider a break in order to break your cycle of bad habits.
1. They help both parties to "clear their heads".
When two people take time away from each other, they are able to analyze problems and make choices without emotional influence or breakdown. It is a good way to figure out what exactly is wrong and work on it with clear heads.
2. It helps in personal "refueling" and relationship rejuvenation.
Every journey needs a work through; emotional stability, counting costs along the way and being ready to meet them. Some time alone will help both of you "refuel". So long as you agree on how long you need the break and how you'll relate during the break, it will be okay. That's why we're calling it a break, not a breakup.
3. Breaks can help break cycles of sin.
If you keep sinning sexually or emotionally or thought-wise, a break will be the best thing for you. 30 days minimum. Take time to reflect, to refocus, to break away from the sinful cycle of lust by seeking help from the Spirit of God. Minimum contact is required during such times.Maybe that's what your relationship needs in order to be godly again.
Note: You cannot break a bad relationship habit under the same conditions that created it. That's why you may just need to consider a break in order to break your cycle of bad habits.
Till next time,
Bonface Morris.
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