Christian Living: God, Why Don't You Come to My Aid?

Note: This is a re-posted blog from one Craig Gross, founder of www.xxxchurch.com. (Yes, that website is cool like that. And, by the way, if any of you is struggling with porn addiction or you know a friend who is, I highly recommend it for you). The post was originally titled "Recognize Your Rescue". You can read it here. 

Re-posted with permission.

*******

There's an old joke that old preachers like to use. It goes something like this:

Torrential rains cause a river to rise and a dam to break, flooding a valley. There is a small cabin in that valley, so the lone occupant heads for the roof and prays that God would miraculously rescue him. Moments later, as the waters have reached halfway up the house, a boat full of people comes by.

"Hey," they call out, "we have room for you! Come aboard!""No thanks," the man says, "I prayed and I know God's going to rescue me!"The boat floats on and the man waits some more while the waters continue to rise to the level of the roof.A helicopter flies into the valley and the pilot lowers a rope ladder. But the man waves it off."No thanks," he says again, "I prayed and I know God's going to rescue me!"So off flies the helicopter as the waters rise higher and higher. They engulf the man, who passes away and is immediately met at the Gates of Heaven by God."God!" the man says. "I prayed and prayed! Why didn't you rescue me?"God looks him in the eye and says, "I sent you a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want?"

I thought of this joke recently because I've noticed a lot of people in my world keep talking about "surrendering to God" or how "God is teaching them something in a difficult time."

I don't know... what does "surrendering to God" really mean other than just being super-Christian? 

What, practically, does surrender to God look like?

My wife has a friend who has some health problems and has put on a lot of excess weight. She's gone to every doctor and specialist and tried all kinds of medical means to drop the weight - medicine, procedures, all that - but nothing's working.

My wife has also had medical issues - different ones, but still the kinds of things that don't have an immediate solution. During the course of these, my wife saw a natural doctor who recommended a book that caused her to radically rethink her philosophy on food.

As Jeanette (my wife) read this book, she kept thinking about her friend, of all the ways her friend might benefit from this new philosophy of food, of all the reasons why her friend probably wouldn't subscribe to it. After all, this new method of thinking about food is hard. It's difficult, it's rigid, it's scheduled, it's time-consuming, it's expensive. You have to regulate what you eat, down to packing your own salad dressing when you go to a friend's house for dinner. But: it's totally changed and helped Jeanette.

I took it upon myself to email Jeanette's friend and suggest she check out this book. She wrote me back: "I'm sure God's just teaching me something through this and I have to surrender."

Why, as Christians, do we think that God wants us to struggle like this? Because I hear things like this so many times. But rather than think that God could provide us with a way out, we just chalk our struggles up to "teaching" and needing to "surrender."

Maybe God puts people in your life who actually have the opportunity to point you toward something great, who can teach you something. But for some reason, so many people think it sounds more spiritual to say "I'm going to suffer for Jesus" or "I'm going to surrender to God"?

And again, I ask: what does that look like?

When you say "Not my will but His will be done," do you think it's God's will for you to suffer? To battle against your desires your entire life?

This isn't just about my wife's friend. I also hear this all the time with porn, where people think it's their lifelong struggle or battle. But surrendering to your own desires is harder than surrendering to God.

In the case of my wife's friend, "surrender" apparently means that, rather than challenge her own assumptions or her actions, she's going to spiritualize the issue rather than give up her current practices. Saying, "I'm going to try this new philosophy behind eating, even though it goes against what I've done my whole life and even though I know it's going to be hard and will stretch me beyond anything I've ever done," is a much more difficult type of surrender than just saying, "I'm surrendering to God."

Now, I don't want to sound like Joel Osteen.
I don't believe God has promised us a life free of suffering.

I know there are things that bring suffering into just about everyone's life. Yet there are a lot of Christians who are content in the struggle, thinking that this is God's will for them so they can "learn" something. 

That's not me.

My nature is to fix things. If I'm in trouble, I want to find a way out. I don't want to just sit in the suffering. I want to find an answer so I'm not stuck in this place anymore. I understand that God can teach me something in the midst of my struggle, but I also know he can provide a way out. (1 Corinthians 10:13.)  It just might not be the obvious way or the easy way or the way that requires no work from me. Why don't we connect the dots on that?

Are we too content in the struggle? Have we already determined that this is how it will always be? That we'll always be fighting and battling so that God can "teach us" something? And is that keeping us from looking for a way out?

Maybe God's already tried to send you rescue out of your situation. What more do you want?

Short Stories and Relationships: Adios Teen, Part 1

Written by: Alice Ogutu

Alice tells of the story of a lady, Lia, after her High School and almost out of her teen age moving from her paternal home to live in the city with her sister, gain an education and meet her first love right in her naivety…

Short Stories and Relationships - Adios Teen

Her name is Lia.

She was so happy to know that she had been accepted to the Art School in the City, Sony School of Art. It was a prestigious art school. She had heard and seen good reviews about the school and that it provided a variety of great art courses.

She was so happy to go to the City and have a new experience. Also, all this furore about her going to the city escalated because her High School BFF, Tala (short for Talaty), had moved there a while back. Life in the city was always spoken of as something one would not want to skip yet with extremes, you know, things like; having to go to clubs, shopping and to the theatre/cinema.

It was both a wonderful surprise and a reunion between herself and Tala.

Although she had not informed Tala about her acceptance to the Art School, and her stay there as well, she was happy to see her. Tala promised to show her around the city. This excited her.

*******

A month later, as she strolled in the evening in the ambience of the setting sun, as was her routine, she met this cute guy. She had never seen him in the neighborhood before. Her heart suddenly skipped a beat. She didn’t say anything and neither did he – they simply exchanged glances and that was just about it.

She went on with her walk in the neighborhood for another fifteen minutes, all the while thinking of the cute guy she had just met. The thoughts completely overwhelmed her - in a good way. She couldn’t wait to tell her friend Tala. She knew Tala will be excited.

Later, after Tala came in from her mini-business from which she worked in the afternoons, she encouraged her to work on her feelings soon before the guy was taken by someone else. She had no clue of how to do this but thought, “Why not?” Obviously, she had seen many soap operas and read many romantic novels and was sure, right in that tiny head of hers, that she was up to the task at hand. She told herself that she would strive to do something about it.

For the few days that followed, she studied his movements, and learned that he stayed in the same block and same floor as she did. This was an advantage to her, or so she thought. After carefully knowing the where and what, she was ready.

*******

On this particular day, she waited to hear him leave and she left as well to catch up with him on the stairs down.

“Hello”, she greeted him.

“Hello”, he replied, and added, “So you live on this floor too, huh?!”

She nodded

The rest of the walk down the stairs was in silence.

It was a chilly morning, and the sun was yet to peep its head from the clouds in the sky. She was not wearing any warm clothes because she was rushing to pick something from the shop down the road where another friend also happened to work. (From time to time, she loiters around the friend’s place to chat with her on some girly stuff before heading back to the house.) She, in her determined mind, had decided to wait at the shop and chat the guy on their way back.

So far, her stalking had proved to be fruitful, and she had already known his name: Idris. But this kept her worried because she wondered what would be the best communication starter if she already knew his name. She left her friend at the shop after promising to fill her in with all the details later. She left before he reached the shop so that it would not seem as though she was waiting for him. She walked along slowly, her heart racing, her mind wondering on the possible conversation that was yet to follow.

As she neared the gate and was about to open it, she heard a voice from behind,

“Please allow me milady” he said.

She froze on the spot as he opened the gate and said, “After you…”

She walked in quietly and waited for him to catch up, so that they would climb up the steps together. Till now, she had not made her name known to him, and she didn’t want to seem in a hurry, so she let things unfold.

He walked up to her and struck a conversation,

“So which number is your apartment?”

“12”, she replied.  

"Hmm, that's just two doors from mine on the other side. How comes I have never seen you around?"

"Well that may be because I have classes in the morning and a job at the boutique in the afternoons. As for those days am free, I go to the gym with my friend from the shop down the block."

"I see. So where's this gym you guys go to?"

"Near the mall. It is a great place – it gives us a great opportunity for window shopping and a health snack or two after workouts. You know the place, right? "

"Yea, I do, I go to the Potters Gym. It is also near the mall. "

"Oh my, this world should really be a small place, huh? The place you are mentioning is the same gym I've told you about, the one I go to. "

"Hmm, indeed it is."

By this time, she and Idris had already reached the 3^rd floor (on which they both happened to live). She realized that their apartments were really close to each other – the difference was that he lived on the other side of the same floor – two doors apart, though.

*******

On this day, her sister, June, an air hostess and with whom she lived, was out of town. She was actually mostly away due to the nature of her job, but was expected late that day.

Lia was taking classes in Spanish and Art. She loved drawing and painting, and June allowed her to stay with her as the Art School was near her apartment. As she parted ways with Idris, he gave her a wink and pleaded that it would be his pleasure to meet her again. She agreed and went into the apartment.

June arrived in a little after 8pm. She was tired and happy to be back home. After a bath, a meal and happy smiles from Lia’s side because of the gifts her sister had brought her, they sat down and June begun narrating her stories of the beauty and wonders of the places she gets to set her foot in.

June loved paintings and portraits. She loved to be painted, and at times she would give Lia a picture of a place far away and let her paint her in it. She would later boast to her friends about the awesome young artist sister she has, and occasionally, her friends would come and request to be painted too. This made her appreciate the gift of painting more, and the more she did it, the more she fell in love with it. It became her passion – something she always aspired to do in her free time.

*******

While having a drink the next day at Mardis Mall, she decided to tell June about Idris. June got curious and did not hesitate to give her her mind on men and relationships.

"Come on J, I know what you mean, you know me well enough, and also you know am not the drooling type, I'll be careful and won't go way over my head, okay, feel better?", she maintained.

"Yea, a little bit, you know mom will have my head if I don't watch over you."

"Okay, can we go back home. I have Rita's painting that I have to finish, you know how mad she can get when I don’t do as promised, and you invited her tomorrow in the afternoon..."

"Yea I do, I had totally forgotten."

On our way back, she stopped by at the Garden's Mini-mart, and picked up some stuff for Tala. “She now owes me one”, she thought.

*******

After a long weekend, with everything now calming down, as it always was whenever June left the place, she was waiting to meet Idris again.

She had known that he was not around over the weekend, and the thought of seeing him again made her smile.

Monday was a busy day, but it ended well. She managed to invite Tala for her usual Monday sleep over. When they got home, Tala noticed a letter slipped under her door.

"Strange. I thought June had a key, and anyway, she had already left; so who could have slipped the letter? Hmmm!", Lia wondered.

"I have no idea, open it first, then we will know”

"Okay."

She opened the letter and Lia looked straight on to see the sender first. It was from Idris. She smiled. She was so into the old school way of showing love and emotion, and therefore this meant the whole world to her. Tala was eagerly waiting to see what it was and who had sent it. She inquired to know what each word said. Lia handed her the letter, and she started reading it back aloud at her while mimicking and making fun of her with silly sounds.

Idris had written to show his interest in her, and had left his number that she may call him back. She decided to call him later.

After an hour or so, she called Idris, and was glad that he didn't answer the phone, so she left him a message. He called back after a while.

"Hello milady, I think I will have your voice on my answering machine so that I can always hear it...", he begun after calling back.

"Am flattered, thank you. Are you just getting in? "

"Nah, I was having a bath, wanted to finish with everything else so I can concentrate on talking to you alone."

"Right."

"So how was your day?"

"Hectic. Mondays are usually busy, with classes all day and the store later in the evening."

"It seems you just need to relax, should I let you, I would not like to tire you more..."

"No it's okay, I've had my share of rest, plus I have tomorrow morning to rest, my class will be later in the day."

"Okay, so what is your name? Am Idris."

(If he only knew that she already knew his name… Heh... But she was not ready to let this beautiful moment turn sour with questions that were not necessary, so she simply told him her name and kept things cool. Tala had gone to finish with her reports stuff and it was also a good way of giving her (Lia) some privacy, which she really appreciated.)

"Lia... What a beautiful name you have. So Lia, what do say if I invite you over for breakfast, that way I can let you rest now, and... "

(She cut in before he had finished what he was saying…)

"Breakfast. That sounds great.”  Well, I should let you know that I prefer coffee, with no sugar.”

"That you'll get milady, now rest those eyes so they'll be looking beautiful tomorrow, okay?!"

"Okay, good night."

"Night, sweet dreams."

As soon as she put the phone down, Tala was standing right besides her,

"Gimme the juice gal, c'mon..."

She was so eager and couldn’t help giggling as she recounted their conversation to her…

(To be continued.)

*******

Till next time,

Alice Ogutu.

Live Blogs: Leadership Seminar, K.A.G. Kakamega

Hi guys,

I did write some live notes from the KAG National Youth Office visit to our district (Kakamega) on 28th and 29th October, 2015. Below is a summary of the stuff we learnt (it'll be long, but I guess it is worth it);

National Youth Office Visit
Kakamega District
28-29/10/2015

1st Meeting 

Leaders' Meeting
28/10/2015, Wednesday Night (8pm) 

Speaker: Bishop Alulu

Text: 1 Samuel 7:3
1 Samuel 7:3 (NIV) And Samuel said to the whole house of Israel, "If you are returning to the LORD with all your hearts, then rid yourselves of the foreign gods and the Ashtoreths and commit yourselves to the LORD and serve him only, and he will deliver you out of the hand of the Philistines."

Notes:
- Samuel tried to so much convince the Israelites that if God was in control, all was well. Him taking the central place in the nation was critical to its success.
- Returning unto God was necessary > committing themselves to the Lord fully and serving Him only; be determined to serve the Lord only.
- Satan cannot be defeated by might or power but by the grace and power of the Spirit of God.
Psalms 37:5, 1 Kings 8:61, 2 Chronicles 16:9.
- We cannot lead on our own to succeed. We need God.
- The best example of true commitment is seen in the sacrifices seen and made in marriage. 1 Peter 3:15-17.

2nd Meeting 

Thursday
29/10/2015
10.30am

PS: There were neither T-shirts nor pens for sale, people. The leaders said that we may be able to buy them during our District Convention. Let's wait and see.

Programmer: Pst Musyoki (Assistant National Youth Director)

Speaker: Pst. Musyoki 

Text »»» Psalms 57:1-3 (NIV)
[For the director of music. To the tune of"Do Not Destroy." Of David. A miktam. When he had fled from Saul into the cave.]
1. Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of Your wings until the disaster has passed.
2 I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills His purpose for me.
3 He sends from Heaven and saves me, rebuking those who hotly pursue me; [Selah] God sends His love and His faithfulness.

Sermon/teaching topic: "Grace"
- Undeserved favor
- We've all been given grace to do mighty things.
- Such a grace was bestowed upon David to be leader and king over Israel.
•
He insisted on the following :-
- Support both ministry and our leaders. Because our blessings are hidden in supporting and helping the leadership of those above us.
- Be fully dedicated to God's work.

Mike (National Youth Secretary)
He had the following announcements to put across;
- A good number of youth from Kakamega District attended the National Youth Conference. That was a great thing.
- Thanks for giving towards buying ministry vehicle (Toyota Caldina).
- Pst Sammy was elected as the Youth president for East and Central Africa; also as the deputy Secretary General of Africa Assemblies of God Alliance.
- Renovation of Youth Centre has been done to modern standards.
- We need two million KES to continue with renovation of Youth Centre for it to be able to accommodate more people and to be a training centre for leaders.
- Schools ministry.
- The Annual National Youth Conference will be in Kitale next year (2016). Registration: 1,000/=. Dates: 18-23/04/2015.

Pst Monica (National Youth Treasurer)
- Gave our district's full financial report
- The whole district pledged to give KES 20,000 towards renovation and building of the Youth Centre and pledged to have at least KES 100,000 from Youth Day deductions to be send to the National Youth Office next year.

Pst Sammy Kihu (National Youth Director)
- Are we faithful in the capacity and grace God gave us as a district? (In giving, in using our gifts and talents e.t.c.) We should make sure we are.
- Renovation of Youth Centre is intently to train youth workers in liaison with the Global Youth Network.
- Dates for training will be announced to us during the National Youth Conference. Trainings will last 2 days. The program will be spread throughout the year. (4 to 5 times throughout the year where one chooses which one to attend.).
We'll be allowed to testify after every lesson to tell what practical measures we've taken to put the lesson we learnt in action.
After this, there will be a training of trainees to pass the lessons to grassroots levels.
- Trainings seek to bring forth well nurtured youth workers that are well "packaged and empowered". Packaging of information for teachings to reach out to youth will be unique to enhance message reception.

Schools ministry.
• They are purposing to use tools like the "Reach for Life NIV Bible" to reach youth in both Primary schools and High schools. Biblica is giving these Bibles for free after they train you on how to use the Bibles to reach youth.
• Suggestion that each youth group in our local churches should adopt a school to minister to.
• Give contacts of interested people in this ministry to attend training probably early next year.

He taught on the following:-

The 360° Leader

Text: Genesis 1:27
Genesis 1:27 (NIV) "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."

- We have a tendency to associate leadership with titles or positions.
- Leadership is influence. We lead best without title or position when we lead with influence.
- Do what you can, where you are at.
- A 360° leader is able to influence people he/she reports to, people at their level and people who report to them. They influence people at all levels of the organization.
- If we are able to prepare to lead in the next level of leadership, then we'll be in position to be efficient in leadership.
- The reality is that 99% of all leadership occurs not from the top but from the middle of an organization. We should seek to unravel the various myths that cripple leadership in order to be effective and efficient.

Here are the various leadership myths;
1. I can't lead if I am not at the top.
2. When I get to the top, then I'll learn to lead.
3. If I were on top, then people would follow me.
4. When I get to the top, I'll be in control.
5. When I get to the top, I'll no longer be limited.
6. I can't reach my potential if I'm not the top leader. (When we begin to live out our potential, we attract positions.)
7. If I can't get to the top, then I won't try to lead.

Truth: Building relationships with others on a team to gain influence naturally has a greater impact than possessing a title.

The Five Levels of Leadership  (adapted from John Maxwell) 
1. Positional Leader
- Lead because they have been elected or appointed to the position of leadership.
- Influence is seen as a "right" and people follow because they have to.

2. Permission Leader
- Leadership is as a result of relationship.
- People follow willingly because they are being impacted.

3. Production Leader
- The leader starts producing visible results. - People follow because of what the leader has done.
- Success is visible.

4. People Development
- The leader is reproducing him/herself.
- People follow because of what you have done for them.
- Impact is felt beyond the current organization.

5. Personhood Leadership
- The highest level of leadership.
- Respect is at the utmost.
- You are followed because of what you represent.

»»» Key Question »»» At what level of leadership am I operating?

How To Lead Up.
(Influencing or adding value to the leaders above you)
1. Lead yourself exceptionally well because the first and the best victory is to conquer self. (Plato).
2. Lighten your leader's load by asking your leader: what can I do to help you?
3. Be willing to do what others won't. Go the extra mile. (Matthew 5:41)
4. Do more than just managing. Lead. Managers know what is to be done, leaders know why it is done.
5. Invest in relational chemistry. Be a friend with your leader.
6. Be prepared every time you take your leader's time. Research. Come to your leader with suggested solutions, not just problems.
7. Know when to push and when to back off. Remember you are a follower.
8. Become a go-to player. Be irreplaceable. Be loyal and hardworking e.t.c.
9. Be better tomorrow than you are today. Read books, go to school, learn from others, learn from your mistakes.

How To Lead Across.
(To lead those at the same level with you).
1. Complement your fellow leaders. Don't seek competition.
2. Be a friend. Make partners out of other leaders.
3. Avoid office politics.
4. Expand your circle of acquaintances. Know people. Learn from them.
5. Let the best idea win.
6. Don't pretend you're perfect. Know this and learn from others.

How To Lead Down.
(Influencing those under you.)
1. Visit those under you. Know where they live if possible. Call them. Pray with them.
2. See the good / the best in everyone.
3. Develop each team member as a person. Deal with each one individually.
4. Place people in their strength zones.
5. Lead by example by modelling the behavior you desire. (1 Peter 5:1ff)
6. Transfer and share the vision with those under you »» you'll then be headed in the same direction.
7. Reward results.

That's all.

Share this with as many leaders you get as possible.

Cheers.

Here are some photos taken during the sessions;

Bonface Morris.

Review and MP3 Download: tobyMac - This Is Not A Test Full 2015 Album

Official album artwork for tobyMac's 2015 album "This Is Not A Test"

DOWNLOAD: tobyMac's "This Is Not A Test" Full 2015 Album (55MB)

In summary (all you may need to know):

1. DC Talk are back!! Yes, the music group with which tobyMac rose to fame is featured on the album. Read more on how DC Talk changed the Christian music scene in 1995 with "Jesus Freak" here » How 1995 Changed Christian Music Forever | AN NRT EXCLUSIVE EDITORIAL 

2. NF (a new Christian Hip Hop artist signed with Capitol CMG whose album "Mansion" is making waves amongst Gospel Hip Hop lovers, and which I'm voting in as this year's number one Gospel Hip Hop album) is also featured.  

3. Toby's music style is still as eclectic as ever. He is still flying high the dance-pop/electronica/techno flag.(No wonder his good mentoring has been felt in the recent albums by Mandisa and Jamie Grace.)  

4. I added two remixes of "Beyond Me" (the single from this album that was released early this year) which I'm sure you won't be finding elsewhere.***happy happy smiles***  

5. And, of course, the download link to the deluxe edition of the album is shared above.

Track listing

This Is Not a Test (stylized as ***THIS IS NOT A TEST***) is tobyMac's seventh studio album. The album was released on August 7, 2015. 
The Deluxe Edition of the album (which I am sharing in the download link above) features 14 tracks (with 2 added remixes from my other sources) while the Standard Edition has 11 tracks. 

The Standard Edition track listing is as below;

1. Like a Match (3:07)
2. Backseat Driver (3:21)
3. This Is Not a Test (2:39)
4. Lights Shine Bright (4:35)
5. Til the Day I Die (3:47)
6. Feel It (4:39)
7. Move (Keep Walkin') (3:41)
8. Love Broke Thru (3:57)
9. Beyond Me (3:13)
10. Love Feels Like (4:19)
11. Undeniable (3:41)     

Music style and acceptability

Toby's music genre has always been very unique. Quite a good number of Gospel artists now record music under the genre. They include; Mandisa, Group 1 Crew, Gamie Grace, 1 Girl Nation, Tori Kelly, Britt Nicole, Sada K... Just to name a few. The genre is widely received and played amongst young Gospel music lovers, and so, I guess, is (or will be) this album.

Generally, this album features a fusion of three major genres; dance-pop (commonly known as Christian electronic dance music), electronica and techno. There is some minimal touch of Hip Hop too.

Note: The song "Feel It" featuring Mr. Talkbox has that 90s soul-pop touch makes you feel like you're having some cool music from way back; and to add to that, it made me somehow crave a tobyMac+Danny Gokey collaboration. 

You'd also realize that there is a good balance between the number of male and female artists featured on the album.

Album art, album title and song titles

The album art (according to me) is not all that appealing to the eye. It tends to make you think the image had a problem downloading and it therefore came out with distorted pixels and an unclear resolution. But, anyway, looking keenly at the album art, you would notice that it tends to tell me, "Morris, remember that 'this is a not test'". 

Stylization (if that's what I can call it) seems to be the new trend in acquiring both artist names and album titles nowadays. Here are a few examples of stylized artist names: tobyMac, UNITED, for KING & COUNTRY & NEEDTOBREATHE e.t.c). So, I guess, Toby is just flowing with the trend on this one by deciding to name the album ***THIS IS NOT A TEST***.

The name of the album and the naming of the featured songs give in to a good balance between basic poetry, simple naming and right-on thematic integration. They are understandable and not that misleading.

Audibility, singability, fluidity, quality and flow of music

The album flows well from song to song and the production is well managed (considering that several artists and recording companies are featured on the album.)

Lyrical content

Marking from what I saw Toby do at the 44th Annual GMA Dove Awards (where he happened to win two awards), he still is really good at song-writing and mastering lyrical content. 
It is a good thing that Toby has ensured that his music is still theologically deep and Christ-centered regardless of the genre he uses (which many conservatives may choose to greatly oppose.)

Conclusion

***THIS IS NOT A TEST*** is a great album, especially for the millennial who would want to add some upbeat high tempo dance music that is still fully centered on Christ to their Gospel music collection. I hope you will be excited and encouraged after listening to it.

References

Wikipedia
New Release Today

Written by

Bonface Morris.

Relationships: 20 Things Everyone In A Relationship Needs to Know

Note: First of all, my approach to relationships remains Christ-centered. But if you ain't a Christian and have not accepted Him as your Savior (which I would still highly recommend you do) don't fret. This post will still be useful to you.
Another point is that: relationships and marriage take different approaches, and each one of them has its own unique challenges. Therefore, the things and findings I write here, will, to a big extend, cut across all relationships.

Read from the first part of these posts here: 10 Things All Singles Should Know.

*******
I have had a reasonable amount of fights between me and my girlfriend. (At this point, the word "fights" should actually be replaced with the word "arguments"; and the word "girlfriend" should also mean "fiance'e". To reiterate the latter, it may be because people tend to think the word "fiance'e" is fastidiously greater than the word "girlfriend". This is peculiarly stupid. I know of some ladies in what people would want to identify as "hi-fi relationships" that are treated less yet they are always being referred to as "fiance'e".)

I don't have a perfect relationship. We ain't perfect people, but we're working on it. (And lemme promise you that we ain't gonna be done with this "working on it" phase soon. I think it'll end when the Lord comes or there about.)

Also, I wrote sometimes back on how we tend to complicate relationships. You can read it here.

In order to avoid these complications, it may be important to make a few unwritten rules (yes, unwritten for the time being because once you write them, you may need to consult a lawyer or a court to solve disagreements) on how to treat each other as boyfriend and girlfriend (and do I really need to add that fiance and fiance'e still apply here? And that these two words are - according to me - overrated?)

Anyway, here are the things we need to know:-

1. Read the Bible and pray together often.
I discovered that you cannot be mad at someone and at the same time do devotionals together. It is impossible. Try it sometime. It is impossible. Taking care of your spiritual growth will help prevent most issues that come with its negligence.

2. Staying mad at each other will escalate issues. Lose the pride, take a step, bring back the calm and unity.
Allow me to say that most relationship problems are as a result of pride and unforgiveness. The Lord Jesus can help you both to shade the two and take a step to bring about peace and unity. Seriously, if I stay mad is it not me who's suffering and not the other person?

3. Listen. Don't just pretend you're hearing. Listen.
This is because good listening means taking action as pertaining the issues that were under discussion. Good listening is giving the speaker the full attention they deserve as they talk (it may be face to face, via phone calls or through messaging.) PS: Men always feel taken for granted and disrespected when ladies don't listen; while ladies feel unappreciated when men don't listen.

4. Solve your issues. Solve them now.
Procrastination is an enemy to progress. Really.

5. Prevent third parties from influencing every part of your relationship.
That friend or neighbor of yours that has too much say on how you love and treat your bae is not God. Give them boundaries. Stop them before you end up with no relationship at all.

6. Forgetting some things about your better half is unforgivable.
Did I just say that? Yes. It either means you are not as interested in them as you claim or you are self-centered (you think everything should be about you, and not anyone else.)
Every basic phone has a "notes" and "calender" app. Make use of them if you are the forgetful type.

7. Be open. Stay honest.
Men feel deceived when their lady doesn't open up on issues, plans and aspirations. Women feel played when the same is done to them. Lack of openness brings about a lack of trust, dishonest behavior, unfaithfulness and secretiveness.
Secrets keep on eating away your relationship bit by bit until it's gone.
Phone openness can be a tricky thing. Here is an article from The Standard proving this point to be true »» Phone Passwords Ruining Marriages.

8. Make your opinion on an issue known. This gives both of you a chance to discuss through issues to conclusion. Insinuations and unaired assumptions will always cause trouble and doubts.

9. Your relationship is not a "Googleable" thingy.
Blogs (like this one), websites and online forums help us become aware of a few important things in the opposite sex and bring to perspective various pertinent issues. They are useful and good. But they should never substitute the age-old need to ask your bae personal questions like: "What do you really like about a man/woman?" "What is unique about you as an individual?"

10. Don't make a promise unless you know you can keep it.
This is right on, isn't it? Keep plans to yourself until you are sure they can be actualized.

11. Do something weird (but good) in the open together. Have fun.
Have a balance between fun and work.
Throw in some fun. Say "I love you" in many other different ways. Too much fun makes a relationship less serious and less focused, and too much work makes it a bit more boring. It is challenging to strike a balance between the two, but it's doable.

12. If something matters to someone, don't ask why it does; just know it does and appreciate it.
We were all created different. We have different preferences in life. Each one of us feels really good when people don't question us for the things we love no matter how petty. No? They may be petty, but that's just us.

13. It takes two to make it work.
A one sided relationship will always be like a one-wheeled bicycle: possible but very exhausting. When both of you take steps to make it work, that's when a flame of unity and trust is lit.

14. There is a thin line between jealousy and insecurity, between kindness and manipulation.
Every relationship has its own way of looking at this. There is no universal way of looking at jealousy or insecurity, but you'll know where you stand once you experience it. The words above can be used interchangeably from relationship to relationship. To some people, acts of kindness show "umekaliwa chapati", to some it's just fulfilling another person's love language; to another relationship, jealousy would mean being overprotective and showing concern and care, yet to another it may mean just that: jealousy. We can't make a one-sided conclusion on such matters, can we?

15. Only the two of you should have the final say on what you think is right or wrong for your relationship.
Listen to advice. Seek guidance. But in the long run, it all comes back to you two. And you two will be accountable both to men and God on whatever the consequences come out of your choices.

16. Make your expectations and intentions for the relationship known from the word go.
Friendships, friendzones and "just friends" are three very different things. Know where you fall before trying to yell at one another. Talk about what you expect from each other in the relationship. Is it just a friendship with no marriage in the vicinity? Or a friendship with focus on marriage? Or an open relationship? (By the way, what, in this world, is an open relationship?)

17. Long distance relationships need to be handled with care.
Of all relationships, these are the most brittle. They need discipline, a higher level of trust and understanding, patience, openness etc. (One mistake and everything goes tumbling out of control.) If you can't manage the challenges that come with a long distance relationship, don't allow your heart to stumble into one! Please, don't.

18. Define a few roles for each person in the relationship and the reason for the relationship by using the following guide questions:

(a) Why am I in this relationship?
(b) How am I supposed to behave or treat the other person in this relationship? and
(c) What is my role in this relationship? What are my responsibilities?
I think the place we fail most is here. It also ends up messing up our marriages: everyone is expected to do everything or to do nothing. Then, BOOM!! blame games and fights arise.

19. Don't be foolish enough to allow your past relationship/s to ruin your present one.
Leave the past into the past. Only bring it up IFF necessary. Loudly comparing your present bae with your past one is a real recipe for disaster. If you wanna go back into the past, why are you here? Huh?

20. Only discuss the challenges in your relationship with someone you both completely trust.
Or it will bring in another problem again: gossip. Or stale advice. Or mistrust. Or communication blackouts. Or lack of openness. Or strife. Or blame games...

Yes people, I'm using the above to work on my relationship. I hope you'll be working on yours too.

Bonface Morris.

Short Stories: Bad Hair Days

Guys, have you ever ditched your barber? I mean, that guy who's been shaving your hair for kinda ten years?

Man, it feels like divorce. (No pun intended though).

I happened to ditch mine sometime back. Relocation things, you know. I've not gotten over it yet.

This is a story of various occasions when I happen to run between three barber shops...

********
Hair is like a car: some men can take real good care of it yet some some don't give a... (no cussing please.)

Okay.

There are some barbers who just wouldn't know how to handle your hair. (Yeah ladies, men too have hair, you should go ask Jeff Koinange). The barber either messes it up by shaving it too low, cutting and trimming too deep or charging you too high (as if that one shave is gonna last a year!)

Because of the above, men decide to keep to one barber. This ensures that our heads always look almost the same after every shave; unless you wanna visit another barber and you are forced to change your route of travel or you pretend  that umehama hiyo town.

Let's say, after ditching my barber, I've had a total of three barbers dealing with my hair. You see, ladies and gentlemen, this, to a man, is like veeery serious. It is way too serious.

I've had my hair messed up with.

Well, there is this day when Barber Number 2 really messed up my hair. You know those times when you meet your bae a day after shaving and all she's doing is touching your head or something? Yes. The day when she's like, "Kwani ulinyoa wapi raundi hii?" and you're like, "Si ni pale pangu tu pa kawaida". The lie comes out so glamorously. And after realizing it, you repent silently and inwardly. In the course of your inward mini-repentance, you happen to apologize for ditching your "original" barber.

Man, it feels bad.

"Huyo mtu alikunyoa vibaya. Alikunyoa kama mtoto wa Class 7."

"Class 7? Aaaiii!"

Then you would match to the mirror and look at yourself again: 

"Come on bae, mi naona niko tu sawa." You would reiterate in defense.

"Akiendelea kukunyoa hivo heri basi uanze tu kuvaa uniform: kinyasa na T-shirt ya PE ili uwe ukitoka kinyozi na kuishia kucheza hiyo mpora ya makaratasi..."

After such a bad hair and head experience, do you know what you'll do next time my brazzzas? You'll walk back to Barber Number 1 (your hallowed "original" barber) and tell him you were out of town kidogo that's why he didn't see you last time. There. Problem solved.

But there are times when the story escalates. It is especially when you've visited those "foreign" barbers (like I did) in the name of kwani yeye ndo barber pekee hii town?.

See my experiences below; 

When you shave at night 

The curse of forsaking your barber becomes very real at such a time: the new barber will end up dealing with your precious head like a kid deals with a mango when struggling to peel it.
The barber, just like the kid, is thinking: it's at night, he (or mom won't notice - for the kid) won't even notice how badly I peeled this head. 

You may have closed your eyes in ambient meditation as he shaves you, not so keenly looking at the reflection of your shave in the mirror to see the progress and give corrections here and there, probably thinking about what will go well with the chicken or meat yenye ilibaki jana after dinner. You may be in this state: "Ama nipike tu chapo. Nipike chapo tatu. Aaaargh, hiyo ni stress. Nitapika tu rice. What if mgeni akitokea? Aaaaargh, atajisort tu..." 

And the barber will be doing his thing on your head.

It becomes real in the morning when you are doing your ndevu shave: "Haiya! Ona sasa!! Aka kanywele alikaacha hapa kafanye nini? Kwani I'm competing with Balotelli for hairstyles?" Or you may end up thinking that you now have a role in "Fear the Walking Dead".
Nasty hairstyle.
And that morning, you become a tiny fake barber for the sake of your tarnished countenance.

When you happen to ask Barber Number 2 or 3: "How much should I pay?" after being shaved.
A story was once told me by a friend who had chosen to ditch his "original" barber just for a change. (Like I dared to do.) He had visited these awesome barber shops that look really cool. (Yeah, I happened to visit one of them when I was new in town, and man, the dent they left in my pocket made me decide to shave only after I've located a pocket-friendly barber shop. Ni kama alinilipisha plus pesa ya rent!!)

So, this friend of mine slowly and steadily entered one of those fine barber shops. I'm sure he went in and greeted those fake ninjas: "Semeni bana? Nimeamua kupitia kiasi nipunguze uzee." And typical of such fake ninjas, they would just smile, pull you one of those revolving arm chairs, get a towel, wrap it around your neck and give you special treatment. (New barbers always tend to treat you extra well in order to retain you as their customer.)

So my friend sat down. (When you're on such a chair huwa hufikirii juu ya chapo na chicken. Naaah. Huwa inafikiria vitu mufti mufti.)

I'm sure as my friend closed his eyes thinking about stuff, (because there is no way you make friends with a new barber on the first date with his shaver and pretend to like each other; ati you're talking football, politics, family and stuff, no way) he was thinking of becoming an MCA or some mutated version of Larry Madowo. (Yeah, these chairs seem to want to make you a politician, a hallowed journalist or some news anchor.)

You would probably see my friend smile after imitating Larry in his meditation: trying to forge that wide smile while wearing a tiny suit. Or after pretending to be an MCA: "We are going to pass a motion to impeach this governor!! Tunataka atuambie pesa ya sports alipeleka wapi" yet you have never been a sportsman for kinda forever.

Later, after the shaving was done, he happened to ask him the wrongest question in shaving history: "Boss, sasa nalipa ngapi!?" (There is this unwritten barber shop rule: pay him/her what you always pay your barber. Akikuuliza mwambie: "Hiyo ndio mi hunyolea.")

He should have missed his supper that night. Plus his breakfast the next day. And a bit of lunch. I bet my friend fasted a whole day to compensate for the money loss... Money doesn't come easy, you know.

When power disappears while getting shaved.
This should be the worst case scenario. 

Wait.
There is this day, at 1pm-ish when I visited my "original" barber to get my hair shaved. I rarely shave mchana mchana but I don't know what on earth caused me to want to shave at 1pm.

So I went in, pulled myself the chair and sat there waiting for my hair to be serviced.

Then after 2 minutes of servicing, power went off! Acha nikwambie hakuna mini-nightmare kama ile niliona kwa mirror hapo kwa my original barber shop!!
He had shaved me halfway, down one side of my head. It was kinda half mohawk. Half mohawk, my friend.
Then I started imagining things: "Sasa what if stima zipotee mpaka kesho? So itabidi nimefunga kitambaa kwa kichwa ile style ya Arafat ili nifike home poa? Oooh, nitaomba kofia. Yeah, kofia itawork. But kwani nitavaa cap mpaka kesho? Na hiyo cap ikianguka nikipandda gari jioni je?"

You see? Stima isiwahi potea ukinyoa.

But again, I dread waking up one day and all I have on my head is this:

I think the only thing I may do that week is going to church. :-) 

Please, guys, have a good hair day... And, eehh, don't ditch your barbers.

Bonface Morris.

Relationships: 10 Things All Singles Need to Know

10 things all singles should know

As some kind of memorabilia, lemme talk about singlehood today.

About a year or so ago, I was single. (Yeah, I don’t know how you will look at it but I just have to say it for the sake of this post.) I didn't have a lady attached to my brow and we saying to each other that we belong to each other forever.

(Oh well, that may also not be the complete state of things here because there is no attachment – or binding factor - a Christian boyfriend has to his Christian girlfriend except that of loving her and being committed to what he says to her until marriage. Most things here are just lip service, reliability and committing oneself to the words you say through actions. Marriage is where the real commitment counts. It is only then you become sure that; he/she is mine and I am completely theirs before both God and man.)

Back to my story…

I was free - sort of - to mingle. I was free to be me without thinking of “us”. I was free to make decisions without thinking of a second or third party. See? Singlehood gave me lots of “freedom”. And I enjoyed it while it lasted.

A lot has happened since that period of time. I am not married yet but bet-you-me I neither can write nor act nor speak like someone still unattached. I am into a different kind of freedom and enjoyment now: one that includes another person and from a distance. It is unique in its own way.

But looking at it, there were a few things I considered right then that made me to survive (so to say) as a single young Christian guy. I am listing them below for anyone who would care to read and note them down. Because they were useful to me, I bet they’ll be useful to someone else.

Note: I will call this the first edition of 10 Things so-and-so in a relationship-related-way should know. I will soon be doing another one for guys in relationships. And, er, just to be clear, the word “single” as used in this post means “not in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex.” Also, by sharing these tips, it doesn’t really mean that Morris is now “Mr. Perfect” but that I love sharing what I have experienced in order to help guys see beyond who they are right now. I help you look into the future with clear eyes.

So single people, here are the few things you should know; 

1. Stop grieving over the mistakes you made in your previous relationship. Do it before you even desire to get into another relationship. 
If you have never been in a relationship before, the better. The less number of relationships you have had before, the better. This means you have less baggage to deal with, less misunderstandings in your coming relationship because “you happened to talk to your ex” etc. etc.If the only thing you’ve ever had that is close to a relationship is a crush on someone, trim off from your mind those funny desires before you start anew. Your heart and mind need to be cleared off of any sort of attachment to the opposite sex that keeps you bound before you are free and ready for another meaningful relationship.Stop re-living memories, oh-I-should-have-done-this kinda feelings and regrets in your mind. Free yourself of all the baggage from your previous relationship or from your fantasy world. Then step out confidently into a new world of possibilities. 

2. To be a better person, you need to stop looking for someone who would “complete you”. 
You know how as a writer and singer I really wished I’d get a lady who sings and writes? A lady who’s into “reading music” from synth to synth like a book? I found out that I was actually limiting myself to a fantasy and blocking all the fabulous God-made ladies around me from having a share of my fakeness. (Duuh!!). No one completes us better than Christ does. If you are incomplete, or if you are convinced that you are incomplete, allow Jesus to fix you up first before you tamper with anyone’s life. 

3. It's okay not to be in a relationship. Yeah, really. 
I met with a few friends after my break up and told everyone: “I just need a three year break from relationships. I’ll be alright. I’ll be Morris.” I guess it went well. It made me stop looking around “hunting” for ladies and wondering who is that lady the Lord “was putting in my way for me to nyemelea”. To achieve this, I had to stop falling to what society says concerning single people. I realized that being single is just as awesome as being in a relationship. There is nothing to be ashamed of. (This would also help a person’s self esteem when society starts haunting them with questions and looks. Look them in the eye and tell them you are okay until you meet the other person.) 

4. Being choosy and waiting for the so-called soul mate is both a waste of time and opportunity to get into a meaningful relationship. 
Side note: I am doing a post on open-mindedness which will cover a bigger part of this point, so watch out for it. 
You see, soul-mates don’t exist. Yeah guys, someone who makes you feel in and over your head and happy 24/7 doesn’t exist. Someone who really “gets you” doesn’t exist. You may fall in love and feel that way for the first few days but you’ll realize with time that the other person is just as messed up as everyone else. People learn to know and understand you at different levels until they know you a bit more than everyone else. But this only happens if you allow them to. Isn’t this how normal down-to-earth relationships are built? 
But, again, don’t fall for any fake person that comes your way. You are worthy more than that. But aspire to make friends with like-minded people. Make friends with no strings attached. In them, you will find the right person. 

5. Make yourself better. Change and be ready for a meaningful relationship. 
I figured out that this is the best way to let that special person find you ready for a relationship and later marriage. Maybe God isn't bringing that special person into your life because; 
(a)   You may end up messing up everything because you aren't ready (emotionally/psychologically, morally and physically) 
(b)   You are tagging your happiness on another person by thinking that once they come, you'll change in every other place of your messed up life. 
Truth be told, if you won’t change now out of your own free will, you can’t change for anybody else. This, my friend, may remain to be an eternal source of fights in your coming relationship. 

6. Act single, not as if you are in a relationship. That's how you attract fellow genuine single people. 
You know how ladies who are neither in a relationship nor engaged are carrying rings around pretending to be in relationships or engaged? (It actually is always out of wanting us to envy them.) Such ladies (or those guys who keep lying to us about their non-existent better halves) are actually shading off good people to be in relationships with. By pretending you are in a relationship, a sensible person of the opposite sex will stop pursuing you and “fish” somewhere else. I will always confess I am single when I am, and say I am in a relationship when I am (no matter how messed up it may be.) 

7. Be ready for something a little more than what we like mistaking as love. Love is a verb, not just words (I hear them say.) True love wears an apron called sacrifice. 
My first relationship taught me this one thing that I can never forget: loving someone isn't enough; love should scream so loud within me that it makes me ready to die for the other person. Only then can I be selfless enough to love sincerely and with all I am. 
(Even the Bible says the same thing to those who would dare say they love Christ: 1John 5:2 “By this we know that we love the children of God: whenever we love God and obey his commandments.” The sacrifice here is in the obedience we show to His commands. But again, theologically speaking, love is not equal to obedience…) 

8. Don’t shout your frustrations and “okayness” on social media. It is a façade, and you should know better. 
People care less for single people who are always telling them that “they are proud to be single.” Come on, who are you kidding? We know it is a lie. You are seeking attention, sympathy, recognition and pity. You’ll get them, but to know good avail. Instead, just be okay, we’ll know it when we see it. 

9. Your prayer (and fasting) life should be less of “Lord, I want a great gentleman/lady” and more of “Lord, make me a great gentleman/lady” 
In fact, stop praying for a boyfriend/girlfriend. It is messing up your spiritual life. It is leaving you burnt out, desperate and frustrated. I have always chosen to pray more for my spiritual growth than for anything ese; once my spiritual life is in line, everything else will fall in place. Not the other way round. 
God cares for you. For us. For every part of your life. So stop limiting His power to one area of your life: relationships. Our purpose on this earth is much greater than our relationships. Therefore, nothing should replace it. 

10. Stop pretending that you don’t want to be in a relationship because you do. Desire to be in one. Just don’t whine about it 24/7. 
I have said this before: as far as I am a devoted Christian, Jesus is not my wife; nor is He a husband/boyfriend to any of you ladies. Jesus is our Lord and Savior. Stop lying to people that “you are married to Jesus.” What is that? 
But sit down yourself and tell yourself that you are going to be in a relationship on of these fine days. It works to brighten up your hope.

There you go, singles.

Read my next post from this series here: Relationships: 20 Things Everyone In a Relationship Needs to Know 

Bonface Morris.