 |
| 10 things all singles should know |
About
a year or so ago, I was single. (Yeah, I don’t know how you will look at it but
I just have to say it for the sake of this post.) I didn't have a lady attached
to my brow and we saying to each other that we belong to each other forever.
(Oh
well, that may also not be the complete state of things here because there is
no attachment – or binding factor - a Christian boyfriend has to his Christian girlfriend
except that of loving her and being committed to what he says to her until
marriage. Most things here are just lip service, reliability and committing oneself
to the words you say through actions. Marriage is where the real commitment
counts. It is only then you become sure that; he/she is mine and I am
completely theirs before both God and man.)
Back to my story…
I
was free - sort of - to mingle. I was free to be me without thinking of “us”. I
was free to make decisions without thinking of a second or third party. See?
Singlehood gave me lots of “freedom”. And I enjoyed it while it lasted.
A
lot has happened since that period of time. I am not married yet but bet-you-me
I neither can write nor act nor speak like someone still unattached. I am into
a different kind of freedom and enjoyment now: one that includes another person
and from a distance. It is unique in its own way.
But
looking at it, there were a few things I considered right then that made me to
survive (so to say) as a single young Christian guy. I am listing them below for
anyone who would care to read and note them down. Because they were useful to
me, I bet they’ll be useful to someone else.
Note: I will call this
the first edition of 10 Things
so-and-so in a relationship-related-way should know. I will soon be doing
another one for guys in relationships. And, er, just to be clear, the word “single”
as used in this post means “not in a relationship with a member of the opposite
sex.” Also, by sharing these tips, it doesn’t really mean that Morris is now “Mr.
Perfect” but that I love sharing what I have experienced in order to help guys
see beyond who they are right now. I help you look into the future with clear
eyes.
So
single people, here are the few things you should know;
1. Stop grieving over the mistakes you made in your previous relationship. Do it before you even desire to get into another relationship.
If you have never been in a relationship before, the better. The less number of relationships you have had before, the better. This means you have less baggage to deal with, less misunderstandings in your coming relationship because “you happened to talk to your ex” etc. etc.If the only thing you’ve ever had that is close to a relationship is a crush on someone, trim off from your mind those funny desires before you start anew. Your heart and mind need to be cleared off of any sort of attachment to the opposite sex that keeps you bound before you are free and ready for another meaningful relationship.Stop re-living memories, oh-I-should-have-done-this kinda feelings and regrets in your mind. Free yourself of all the baggage from your previous relationship or from your fantasy world. Then step out confidently into a new world of possibilities.
2. To be a better person, you need to stop looking for someone who would “complete you”.
You know how as a writer and singer I really wished I’d get a lady who sings and writes? A lady who’s into “reading music” from synth to synth like a book? I found out that I was actually limiting myself to a fantasy and blocking all the fabulous God-made ladies around me from having a share of my fakeness. (Duuh!!). No one completes us better than Christ does. If you are incomplete, or if you are convinced that you are incomplete, allow Jesus to fix you up first before you tamper with anyone’s life.
3. It's okay not to be in a relationship. Yeah, really.
I met with a few friends after my break up and told everyone: “I just need a three year break from relationships. I’ll be alright. I’ll be Morris.” I guess it went well. It made me stop looking around “hunting” for ladies and wondering who is that lady the Lord “was putting in my way for me to nyemelea”. To achieve this, I had to stop falling to what society says concerning single people. I realized that being single is just as awesome as being in a relationship. There is nothing to be ashamed of. (This would also help a person’s self esteem when society starts haunting them with questions and looks. Look them in the eye and tell them you are okay until you meet the other person.)
4. Being choosy and waiting for the so-called soul mate is both a waste of time and opportunity to get into a meaningful relationship.
Side note: I am doing a post on open-mindedness which will cover a bigger part of this point, so watch out for it.
You see, soul-mates don’t exist. Yeah guys, someone who makes you feel in and over your head and happy 24/7 doesn’t exist. Someone who really “gets you” doesn’t exist. You may fall in love and feel that way for the first few days but you’ll realize with time that the other person is just as messed up as everyone else. People learn to know and understand you at different levels until they know you a bit more than everyone else. But this only happens if you allow them to. Isn’t this how normal down-to-earth relationships are built?
But, again, don’t fall for any fake person that comes your way. You are worthy more than that. But aspire to make friends with like-minded people. Make friends with no strings attached. In them, you will find the right person.
5. Make yourself better. Change and be ready for a meaningful relationship.
I figured out that this is the best way to let that special person find you ready for a relationship and later marriage. Maybe God isn't bringing that special person into your life because;
(a) You may end up messing up everything because you aren't ready (emotionally/psychologically, morally and physically)
(b) You are tagging your happiness on another person by thinking that once they come, you'll change in every other place of your messed up life.
Truth be told, if you won’t change now out of your own free will, you can’t change for anybody else. This, my friend, may remain to be an eternal source of fights in your coming relationship.
6. Act single, not as if you are in a relationship. That's how you attract fellow genuine single people.
You know how ladies who are neither in a relationship nor engaged are carrying rings around pretending to be in relationships or engaged? (It actually is always out of wanting us to envy them.) Such ladies (or those guys who keep lying to us about their non-existent better halves) are actually shading off good people to be in relationships with. By pretending you are in a relationship, a sensible person of the opposite sex will stop pursuing you and “fish” somewhere else. I will always confess I am single when I am, and say I am in a relationship when I am (no matter how messed up it may be.)
7. Be ready for something a little more than what we like mistaking as love. Love is a verb, not just words (I hear them say.) True love wears an apron called sacrifice.
My first relationship taught me this one thing that I can never forget: loving someone isn't enough; love should scream so loud within me that it makes me ready to die for the other person. Only then can I be selfless enough to love sincerely and with all I am.
(Even the Bible says the same thing to those who would dare say they love Christ: 1John 5:2 “By this we know that we love the children of God: whenever we love God and obey his commandments.” The sacrifice here is in the obedience we show to His commands. But again, theologically speaking, love is not equal to obedience…)
8. Don’t shout your frustrations and “okayness” on social media. It is a façade, and you should know better.
People care less for single people who are always telling them that “they are proud to be single.” Come on, who are you kidding? We know it is a lie. You are seeking attention, sympathy, recognition and pity. You’ll get them, but to know good avail. Instead, just be okay, we’ll know it when we see it.
9. Your prayer (and fasting) life should be less of “Lord, I want a great gentleman/lady” and more of “Lord, make me a great gentleman/lady”
In fact, stop praying for a boyfriend/girlfriend. It is messing up your spiritual life. It is leaving you burnt out, desperate and frustrated. I have always chosen to pray more for my spiritual growth than for anything ese; once my spiritual life is in line, everything else will fall in place. Not the other way round.
God cares for you. For us. For every part of your life. So stop limiting His power to one area of your life: relationships. Our purpose on this earth is much greater than our relationships. Therefore, nothing should replace it.
10. Stop pretending that you don’t want to be in a relationship because you do. Desire to be in one. Just don’t whine about it 24/7.
I have said this before: as far as I am a devoted Christian, Jesus is not my wife; nor is He a husband/boyfriend to any of you ladies. Jesus is our Lord and Savior. Stop lying to people that “you are married to Jesus.” What is that?
But sit down yourself and tell yourself that you are going to be in a relationship on of these fine days. It works to brighten up your hope.
1. Stop grieving over the mistakes you made in your previous relationship. Do it before you even desire to get into another relationship.
If you have never been in a relationship before, the better. The less number of relationships you have had before, the better. This means you have less baggage to deal with, less misunderstandings in your coming relationship because “you happened to talk to your ex” etc. etc.If the only thing you’ve ever had that is close to a relationship is a crush on someone, trim off from your mind those funny desires before you start anew. Your heart and mind need to be cleared off of any sort of attachment to the opposite sex that keeps you bound before you are free and ready for another meaningful relationship.Stop re-living memories, oh-I-should-have-done-this kinda feelings and regrets in your mind. Free yourself of all the baggage from your previous relationship or from your fantasy world. Then step out confidently into a new world of possibilities.
2. To be a better person, you need to stop looking for someone who would “complete you”.
You know how as a writer and singer I really wished I’d get a lady who sings and writes? A lady who’s into “reading music” from synth to synth like a book? I found out that I was actually limiting myself to a fantasy and blocking all the fabulous God-made ladies around me from having a share of my fakeness. (Duuh!!). No one completes us better than Christ does. If you are incomplete, or if you are convinced that you are incomplete, allow Jesus to fix you up first before you tamper with anyone’s life.
3. It's okay not to be in a relationship. Yeah, really.
I met with a few friends after my break up and told everyone: “I just need a three year break from relationships. I’ll be alright. I’ll be Morris.” I guess it went well. It made me stop looking around “hunting” for ladies and wondering who is that lady the Lord “was putting in my way for me to nyemelea”. To achieve this, I had to stop falling to what society says concerning single people. I realized that being single is just as awesome as being in a relationship. There is nothing to be ashamed of. (This would also help a person’s self esteem when society starts haunting them with questions and looks. Look them in the eye and tell them you are okay until you meet the other person.)
4. Being choosy and waiting for the so-called soul mate is both a waste of time and opportunity to get into a meaningful relationship.
Side note: I am doing a post on open-mindedness which will cover a bigger part of this point, so watch out for it.
You see, soul-mates don’t exist. Yeah guys, someone who makes you feel in and over your head and happy 24/7 doesn’t exist. Someone who really “gets you” doesn’t exist. You may fall in love and feel that way for the first few days but you’ll realize with time that the other person is just as messed up as everyone else. People learn to know and understand you at different levels until they know you a bit more than everyone else. But this only happens if you allow them to. Isn’t this how normal down-to-earth relationships are built?
But, again, don’t fall for any fake person that comes your way. You are worthy more than that. But aspire to make friends with like-minded people. Make friends with no strings attached. In them, you will find the right person.
5. Make yourself better. Change and be ready for a meaningful relationship.
I figured out that this is the best way to let that special person find you ready for a relationship and later marriage. Maybe God isn't bringing that special person into your life because;
(a) You may end up messing up everything because you aren't ready (emotionally/psychologically, morally and physically)
(b) You are tagging your happiness on another person by thinking that once they come, you'll change in every other place of your messed up life.
Truth be told, if you won’t change now out of your own free will, you can’t change for anybody else. This, my friend, may remain to be an eternal source of fights in your coming relationship.
6. Act single, not as if you are in a relationship. That's how you attract fellow genuine single people.
You know how ladies who are neither in a relationship nor engaged are carrying rings around pretending to be in relationships or engaged? (It actually is always out of wanting us to envy them.) Such ladies (or those guys who keep lying to us about their non-existent better halves) are actually shading off good people to be in relationships with. By pretending you are in a relationship, a sensible person of the opposite sex will stop pursuing you and “fish” somewhere else. I will always confess I am single when I am, and say I am in a relationship when I am (no matter how messed up it may be.)
7. Be ready for something a little more than what we like mistaking as love. Love is a verb, not just words (I hear them say.) True love wears an apron called sacrifice.
My first relationship taught me this one thing that I can never forget: loving someone isn't enough; love should scream so loud within me that it makes me ready to die for the other person. Only then can I be selfless enough to love sincerely and with all I am.
(Even the Bible says the same thing to those who would dare say they love Christ: 1John 5:2 “By this we know that we love the children of God: whenever we love God and obey his commandments.” The sacrifice here is in the obedience we show to His commands. But again, theologically speaking, love is not equal to obedience…)
8. Don’t shout your frustrations and “okayness” on social media. It is a façade, and you should know better.
People care less for single people who are always telling them that “they are proud to be single.” Come on, who are you kidding? We know it is a lie. You are seeking attention, sympathy, recognition and pity. You’ll get them, but to know good avail. Instead, just be okay, we’ll know it when we see it.
9. Your prayer (and fasting) life should be less of “Lord, I want a great gentleman/lady” and more of “Lord, make me a great gentleman/lady”
In fact, stop praying for a boyfriend/girlfriend. It is messing up your spiritual life. It is leaving you burnt out, desperate and frustrated. I have always chosen to pray more for my spiritual growth than for anything ese; once my spiritual life is in line, everything else will fall in place. Not the other way round.
God cares for you. For us. For every part of your life. So stop limiting His power to one area of your life: relationships. Our purpose on this earth is much greater than our relationships. Therefore, nothing should replace it.
10. Stop pretending that you don’t want to be in a relationship because you do. Desire to be in one. Just don’t whine about it 24/7.
I have said this before: as far as I am a devoted Christian, Jesus is not my wife; nor is He a husband/boyfriend to any of you ladies. Jesus is our Lord and Savior. Stop lying to people that “you are married to Jesus.” What is that?
But sit down yourself and tell yourself that you are going to be in a relationship on of these fine days. It works to brighten up your hope.
There
you go, singles.
Read my next post from this series here: Relationships: 20 Things Everyone In a Relationship Needs to Know
Bonface
Morris.
No comments:
Post a Comment