Of Commitment-phobes And the Proverbs 31 Woman

“All men fear commitment!”

“Oh really? Men? What men?”

“All men”

“Uh! Men are not fish. Fish is ‘all fish’, but men are one individual acting and making decisions on his own…”

“Men are all the same… just the dressing code, the shoes, the voice, the skin and the grooming tho… but they are all the same…!!”

“I said men are not fish or chicken – every man is independent in character and choices…”

“Wacha kujitetea… undhani wee ndo uko fiti?”

“Uh!”

Adrian is listening carefully to his lady friend Annabelle as she rants on and on about how men can’t just be committed to anything (at least as far as she is concerned).

He is used to it. She calls him, he answers back. She asks him the usual, “Do you have some time...?” And he responds with his usual, “Kinda…” Then she begins ranting about how men and women are so different on their outlook on life… which eventually runs down to relationships and stuff… At this moment, he is exhausted enough to only respond with grins and shins, with the rubbing of his forehead from time to time and the wiggling of his tongue in the cheeks of his mouth down to his teeth. It is this time that he is so much trying to concentrate on what she is saying. Later, after about 10 minutes or so, she thanks him and hangs up.

That girl with her postpaid thingy! Yes, whoever pays her phone bills is in eternal trouble. But she is a good friend: open-minded, assertive and easy to be around with. Throw anything at her and she’ll hold it in and know just how to throw it back or throw it away.

The above conversation is a stub from their latest chat via a phone call. She initiated the call. He rarely does. Calling people makes him uncomfortable. He’d rather just text…

They never actually agree whenever they talk. They just rant, rant, rant, laugh and disagree then after one of them has failed to justify their point of view, they disappear before boredom creeps in. In their book of relations and communication, that is how it has always flown: you don’t have to agree, but you need to make your voice heard. Talk about it. They are good friends and that is all that matters, right?

But Adrian has been doing some homework on their ongoing chat on the lack of commitment amongst both sexes in relationships. It can’t be possible that men are incessant commitment-phobes. It can’t be. It is not genetic (sex-linked or something…) It is not even related to that. You can’t say “all men are commitment-phobes” without the evidence that ALL men have fallen short of commitment as far as anything is concerned… What about women? How many can say that they are truly committed to anything? At all? Commitment is not gender-inclined. It is in both sexes! He needs to make her see this. He therefore has coined a series of things to kick off his next conversation with Annabelle: Men are not afraid of commitment, they just lack the right person (or thing or cause) to commit to... and a woman of worth should strive to convince a man that he really needs her in his life in order to stir his commitment to the next level in the relationship. A man does not see the need to commit to a woman (or anything in that case) who cannot behave her age…

…………………………………..

I agree that Adrian has a point, don’t you? Someone - whether a man or a woman - is perceived in a manner worthy of his/her countenance. If all women around a man are behaving in a childish manner, why should he commit to these ‘xaxa’ lasses? Why in the whole beautiful world should he do that? In the same way, why would a woman commit to a ‘xaxa’ lad? Why should a woman worthy her salt do so?

So, in this view of things, let us address the commitment issue in relationships in two phases: phase one (where we are looking at the non-committal man) and phase two (where we address the non-committal woman) because there is a problem on both ends.

Phase 1 – The Non-committal man

There are a few reasons to why a man won’t commit.

There are the good ones;

• All females around him are ‘xaxa’ lasses 
• All females around him are not ready to settle down (party animals, always absent minded, spendthrifts and braggarts…)
• He is not yet of age (although this is never a reason enough because having a sense of commitment begins as early as when one is 15 years old.)

Then there are the stupid ones;

• He is a mommy’s boy and he therefore fears another woman taking charge over his life
• He is still fully dependent upon his parents – head to limb to toe to air (sic)
• His woman is not pushing them enough (oh, so he wanna be pushed?)
• He still wants to flirt around and play ground (stupid, huh?)

Commitment to a man is taught of him by fellow men. He learns it from the SOLID men around him. He smells it, sees it, feels it, adapts himself to it and starts speaking it as a language. (That is why it is recommended that a boy gets his mentorship from a SOLID man so that he may learn the art of manhood in his teen age…) 

If a man cannot realize that he is the leader within any given structure (a relationship in this case) and that he should therefore stop being passive, hold the mantle and show the way to go, he is not yet worthy to be called a man. (Oh, ninjas are pulling their bows and arrows on me already, I guess.) Men who fear commitment are absconding the very rule and purpose for which God created them: leadership and purpose. 

A man was created to lead. God said in the Garden of Eden, remember? The man should be the head of the activities he involves himself in (unless they involve other stipulated rules which thus require a different order of doing things). Just as Christ is the head of the Church, so the man should be the head of his relationship(s). If he doesn’t feel like he needs to lead or to get committed to a cause which drives his life and show others that he has a sense of direction, let him then not expect to be treated as a man but as a ‘xaxa’ lad.

I normally say that people had rather say that a man is proud and has a sense of direction and knows where he is headed to, than that he is aimless and without focus.

If people cannot see that a man is self driven and that his life is headed somewhere (regardless of where he is in life right now), he should not expect a focused lady to see otherwise. A man should ask people around him to confirm whether he is moving into the next level or not. He should ask to know if they think he has a vision for his life or not. He should ask them indirectly in order to get genuine answers. It is this simple: if a man cannot figure out where he would love to be in the next five years, he is still ‘xaxa’ material. Period.

Solution?... To wake up a non-committal man, all women need to learn the art of running away. Don’t think he will change unless he realizes that he has lost you. And let him know that you ran away because he has refused to grow into a SOLID man. Don’t waste your time praying for him you saved ladies. Don’t. Prayer may help but the ‘xaxaness’ and the passiveness may not vanish that fast. Run away. The earlier the better.

But this is not to mean that there are no committed men out here. No. There are a whole lot of them. It is just that they too do not tolerate ‘xaxa’ lasses...There are many young men I know who do not fear getting a focused lady. They do not get intimidated by focused ladies. They are ready to lead them into a better world (only if these women would allow them.) These men are here. They are responsible. They admit that they have their weaknesses but they move beyond them and step out of their comfort zones. These men are here, ladies. I know several. Ladies, these men are here – on this planet.

Phase 2 – The Non-committal Woman

All along, it has been thought that women love commitment. I see it a lot in saved ladies who claim to be The Proverbs 31 Woman (I’ll address this below.) I want to prove us wrong – not entirely but to some extent. I have met at least two out of 10 women I have informally asked about the question of commitment (in anything from marriage to some other business) and I have discovered that a great percentage of the 21st Century woman prefers independence to being bound to an oath (either of marriage or any form of contract, mutuality or form of understanding.) 

These statistics are also being proven by this video which was a discussion on Citizen TV's #MondaySpecialKE a few weeks ago on Youth And Commitment. Two ladies in the discussion are seen denying the possibility of them getting married due to various reasons one of them being commitment (watch the video to get their reasons.)

This indicates that it is not only men today that have a commitment problem but women too. Our mothers were proud of getting into relationships, taking care of their future husbands and later getting married; in the contrary, most women you meet today are either dreaming of eternal independence or temporal cohabitation as far as relationships and marriage are concerned.

Reason?... (genuine ones);

• All men around them are ‘xaxa’ lads 
• All men around them are not ready to settle down (party animals, mommy’s boys, always absent minded, spendthrifts and braggarts…)
• They are not yet of age (although women actually mature faster as compared to men – so by age 14 they should already be knowing what is going on with their lives – they should not necessarily be mature but seeing the world I a different way altogether…)

The lame ones include;

• She is a daddy’s girl and she therefore fears another man taking charge over her life (which has proven to be a very big problem to men today.)
• She is still a ‘xaxa’ lass – texts and chats 24 hours a day, binge eats, and binge watches movies all day long, she is a party freak, and has not yet learned what I call The Lady Code (a manner in which a lady worthy her salt carries herself)
• Her man not pushing her enough (oh, so she should be pushed?)
• Relationships and marriages don’t work nowadays so it is safer to sit on the edge than commit (whatever that is supposed to mean.)

Some of the factors a man considers while gauging a woman’s maturity and level of commitment include;

• Independence of mind and deeds - ability to be her own personal brand, and not a replica of her friends’ decisions and behavior.
• Self-driven - ability to offer support to the man and people around her without being forced or asked. (No wonder Eve was so self-driven that she drove her husband Adam into sin, while Ruth did the same to Boaz until he noticed her...)
• Ability to peg her dependence on God rather than on the man or other people.
• A personality not only built on outer looks but also on gentleness of the heart (yeah, you may now quote and add a Bible verse)

If a woman scores so low on the above, why should a man even bother to commit?

There is another issue thoough: The Proverbs 31 Woman factor which has of late become the opium of both the single and married Christian woman. Most women think that they are this woman. What? Yeah, the say it all over the place. But in reality, they are commitment-phobes who only do 20% of what is mentioned in this Proverb.

There is a certain level of commitment the Proverbs 31 Woman has that very few 21 Century women possess. I have summarized below a few things women should note from this Proverb.

Note the following;

1. (v. 10b & 11) …she is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain – she builds up trust in her man through the manner of her commitment and provision.
2. (v. 12) She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life – the message in this verse is open and evident – she adds value to the man’s life.
3. Verses 13 through verse 17 portray her as a hardworking woman who is a good planner and manager of her possessions (she works with willing hands… she brings her food from afar… she rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household… she considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard… she dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.)
4. Verses 18 and 19 portray her as outgoing and engaging, not bossy and domineering
5. Verse 20 proves that she is generous to the poor and needy and is committed to taking care of them from her own resources.
6. Verse 21 reveals that her hands offer security and beauty to her family and that this causes her man to be envied by other men in their neighborhood (a thing all men cherish). Strength and dignity are her clothing (v. 25)
7. Verse 26 through 27 portrays her as woman of wisdom and one full of kindness, one who is not idle.
8. She is praised by both her husband (man) and her children. Her works praise her. And she fears the LORD. (v.28 – v.31)

If a Christian woman (single or married) thinks that she does not have a commitment problem, she should re-read the above passage and make it a mirror for her behavior and countenance (James 1:22-25). This passage (Proverbs 31:10-31) shows us a woman who is truly committed to what she is doing. Such a woman should be the one teaching our girls on how to be SOLID women – SOLID committed women.


Side note: I guess you already are getting used to me using these two names: *Adrian and *Annabelle. I know you are smelling something there… whatever you are smelling, keep it to yourself J… ahem! But they ain’t existing in real life…

Till next time,


Bonface Morris.