The Angst

Prologue 

Of all things known to mankind, freedom is the cheapest and yet the most expensive.
 

…………………………………..

She feels empty. She doesn't know why. Her whole body aches. She thought that after sneaking out to go the club and after having sex it would all calm down – that after she is done doing all the evils that had been running down her gut, she would be okay.

Well, it worked. For five minutes. And as predictable as it is, five minutes of happiness cannot fill an eternity of emptiness. She has felt empty for as long as she can’t remember. And she had promised herself to try out something worth an adrenaline rush, but it seems that she has been lying to herself all this time. Even her friends – her newly acquired adventurous friends – were all pathetic liars. Nothing has changed. Oh, well, everything has changed: her record of never stepping into a night club until she is married has been broken and she became someone’s one night stand – and that is really really really cheap – and sex with a stranger wasn’t an adventure at all. There was no fun in all of that as she had been promised. She regrets it. (Oh again she refrains from such a thought and convinces herself that she liked it.) She was a fool to believe them, no? She had been told, “Fake it until you make it…” but the faking it part took 98% of her making it, and she doesn’t see the “making it” happen soon. Why do people keep doing this to themselves? Why do people keep doing things that are this useless? What do they gain from all these? Or are they now slaves of consequence – trying to console themselves with deliberate overindulgence?

Her desires are now growing and are louder within her than ever before. Louder. Sleeker. Slyer. More tormenting. And it is making her feel like she wants to roll over a cliff. It makes her feel like she wanna walk from their home to “she-dain’t-know-where.”

Today, she is picking up her stuff again. She needs a break. This is intolerable. So she calls her boyfriend and tells him, "Honey I'm sorry, I just can't go on with this..." Then she hangs up. He’ll figure it out. What she means. He’ll figure it out somehow. Maybe he will call her back. Maybe he won’t. Maybe he will be so clueless that she has to tell him everything for him to understand what is going on with her life.

Why does she feel this way anyway? Why is life this unfair to her? She has a great boyfriend. A caring and responsible guy. He hasn’t done anything to her to make her think he’s a jerk. No. He’s a cool guy. Not a wimp, but cool. She has a beautiful family. They are always there for her. The other group of her real friends is full of great people. They can understand if she tells them this – how she is feeling right now. But why is she feeling so empty? She goes to church, yeah, but she is still empty inside. Church has been so boring of late actually, so she has skipped a few Sundays just to “freshen up”. She picked up this new trend from her newly acquired friends: “if it is not working, take a break…” they had told her. They don’t go to church, but she does. Okay, that should be like driving a car right in the showroom…

........................ 
He has been staring at that girl for a very long time now. And all along, he has wanted her to be his girl. He has a girlfriend, yeah, but he just can’t stop thinking about his other girl. What would his girlfriend she think of him if she were to read his thoughts? Why in the whole world does he feel this way about her anyway? Why? Why can't he just EVER be calmed down? Why? Why does he always live on the edge, wanting the next big thing in his life? Why is his life like the life of a teenager - expecting too much for and from so little? Why does he always have to keep fighting, running, desiring ad lusting? Why is lust haunting him like a ghost? Why does his blood rush so fast to get into “the next big thing”? Why can’t he just settle down and be contented with what he already has?

He thought – and he has been thinking for a while now - that after he disobeyed his parents and stopped attending church, stuff will change. He had thought that he'd be happier after he started drinking. Some fake ninjas had told him to try the bottle, just a little. He thought that his world will be transformed into a fairy tale. Kinda. But they were just his thoughts, and they were just fake ninjas for real. Reality has it that things have actually become worse. And although he pretends before everyone that all-is-well, he desires to go back. Back to the days when life was “boring”. At least then he knew what was happening. At least it was lighter then. It was boring but bearable. Church was boring but at least it added a little meaning to his pathetic life. But can he? Can he go back after all this? 

Maybe he'll talk to his friend Adrian. Maybe Adrian will understand. Maybe he'll talk to his drinking buddy James... oh no, James is never sober. (Sigh.)

He decides to step out and ponder this out. 

He then spots her. Another girl. "Isn't that Jane?" he asks himself. I have seen that chiq somewhere. So he takes a step and decides to say hi. 
"Hi, Jane?" 
"Hi!" she replies without looking at him at all. 
"Come on, you remember me right? From the party at James's place, huh?" 
"Oh, eeh, yeah. You are that guy - the all talkative and hyperactive guy... eeeeh Sam, right?" 
"Yeah. How are you doing? Would you mind some coffee?" 
"I gat an hour or two. That'll be okay" she replies.

With Jane, she is all like, "Hey, maybe this guy can sort my life out..." and Sam is all the same... "I actually needed someone to talk to..." "Maybe she can become my silent drug sent by the good Lord I forsook to heal my anxieties in life" "Maybe he is my savior... sent by the good gracious Lord to rescue my hopeless soul…"

They walk happily to the next café with indescribable monologues in their heads. They order drinks. They talk. They seem to like each other. They decide to meet up at his place the same night. 8pm. No one will see her come in, and no one will notice the time she’ll go out. She can sneak out at 4 in the morning. All-is-well. All-is-well.

During the night of adventures when the two hopeless souls meet without a good reason but with thoughts of lust and orgies to try to steady their already ailing consciences, all there is is more illicit sex, drinks and pulling facades… and as always, lots of fake happiness and tons of the same old emptiness. 

Of course Jane will regret it. Again. And Sam will regret it too.  Again. But this cycle may never be broken…

Epilogue

Walk. Talk. Pull facades.
But you can never fool happiness.
It knows when it is your friend, and when it is not.
And especially when it is not, that is when you want everyone to believe that it always begs to stay with you wherever you are.

Sleep. Sneak. Pull masquerades.
But you can never fool yourself.
You always know it when you are your own friend and when you are not.
And especially when you are not, when you are not your own friend, you struggle to make everyone think you are.

I have seen the angst in a teenager’s eyes while longing for freedom.
And the anxiety in the bird’s eyes while longing for the air.
But still such an angst cannot be compared to that which haunts the souls of men.
For amongst men, there are those who know where they are going, those who think they know where they are going… and yet still, those who long to know where they are going and where they should be going.

There is a certain fooling we may use fool people, but it is this fooling that haunts the reality we hide within.
This fooling of ourselves may never end.
It may never end until you and I say to ourselves, “How many of my Father’s hired men have food/happiness/favor/satisfaction/contentment/calmness/peace to spare and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my Father and say to Him, ‘Father, I have sinned against Heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called Your son, make me like one of your hired men…’” (Luke 15:17-19) 

This is the only place where the angst disappears – at the Father’s feet.

  

Bonface Morris.