Why Friendzones Are Such a Bad Idea

This is the second time I am talking about the friendzone. I first talked about it here sometime back in 2013.

Well, today, let me kick this off and elaborate the point I want to put across by using a substantial example:

Let's say there exists Lady A (let's call her Ruth) living in Town A. She is a cool lady. She is also a devoted Christian who blows demons off their grid to I-don't-know-where. She is spiritual and stuff. She breathes and survives only on the air from the Garden of Eden. (Everlasting air.) She is a daughter of God.

If you ninjas would stalk her a little (yeah guys, just a little - especially you saved #TeamMafisi - just a little) you would realize that she posts Scripture and Gospel song lyrics and photos from a time she was in some big mind-blowing youth conference somewhere, and dude, she spews glory all over the place. Her social media timelines are altars. No joke. This chiq is thick with the Holy Ghost, and all you feel saying back when she's talking is, "Yes ma'am, hallelujah..." and stuff.
You are almost always juggling in bewilderment when you talk to her. She is a drone, and you are the ground; but she's such a drone that the control station is somewhere beyond the clouds. You get it?

Okay, so Ruth, in all her majesty and valor, is still single. Young. Beautiful. Devoted. Spirit-filled. But single. Yes, not even a guy has dared approach her in manner that suggests that he wants her in his life for a relationship. Every guy she has ever met only comes to her with the shackled bruhaha that she now abhors...

This is how most of them get to her (and it's mostly via text messages or that WhatsApp thing) (and by the way, who told us guys that we should make our first move on an awesome lady like Ruth via texts? That's rather cheap. Ooooh well...)

Here is a dude texting her:

"Hi Ruth. I loved the way you did it up there (on the pulpit). Are you free tomorrow? I wanted to borrow something from you - that book you talked about today..." (Ruth dances and talks with the angels, you know; like we all actually do in some sort of a way.)

And Ruth would coyly smile in unutterable ambivalence, wonder within her heart what the heck is wrong with every other "brother" today. I mean, what has her being on the pulpit blowing out stuff got to do with her being free tomorrow?
And, okay, goodness-and-badness-mixed, she doesn't even know this dude!

She would then stare at the phone for a while, put on her good manners lest she threw machetes at the only potential guy the Lord seems to have send her way and reply, "Oh, thanks. And who are you by the way...?"

The voice in the text message would reply back: "come on d.a. am Morix. Morris who was sittin at d third ro on yo left while u wa hailing glory..."

She would then go into a frenzy: a guy with a childish texting code is throwing flames her way!! He doesn't even possess texting etiquette. Dang!! But, remember, Ruth is the sensitive type. The utterly spiritual type. Well mentored by the Holy Ghost. She feels that the Lord can even speak through such lame texts. She needs to tolerate this guy. She'll friendzone him. So she throws it back: "I'm sorry Morix, er, Morris. I'm not free tomorrow. Maybe some other time."

And Morris, er, Morix, would hang up. Not even a reply with a "good night" comes through. Not even a petty "gdnyt". Dude just disappears. Until forevermore. She'll never hear from him again. The Book he was to borrow stays begging to be "borrowed". Forever.

Ruth has lived in Town A for close to 5 years now. All the guys she's been meeting are more or less just the same: Ploys. Games. Texts. Borrowing stuff. Aimless visits. Meaningless talk. But never ever making the next step to try out a relationship.

******************
There was one different guy though. His name was Philip. Philip was this cool guy who had just transferred to that town after initially working in Town B for two years. He wasn't that established in life, but he was cool.

This is what she loved about Philip: that dude was prayerful, a devoted Bible thumper and a guy committed to both his word and the Lord's. She loved this. She loved him. He was so cool with his prayer life and Bible thumping that they were prayer and Bible study partners. He thumped himself into almost anything. That was cool. That was really cool. And he didn't make aimless visits like the rest of them. And Philip didn't send aimless texts. Or WhatsApps. Or senseless messenger texts. Or please-call-me's. This dude had direction. She felt like a little Simon Peter in the majesty of his presence. She felt like he made her gloried majesty complete. All her deafness was healed by his presence.

So our dear Ruth flew on the wings of fantasy in the hallowed presence of Philip all the time they were together. He was her God-send apostle. In fact, in all this stomping, she reached a point where she had promised to Bible thump herself into his heart kama angeslaky. But it seems he wasn't thaaaat into her in the same way she was thaaaat into him. She was waaay into him that he realized it.

And that was a problem.

You know why it was a problem? There were a couple of guys that left her alone in those two years - guys who kept on thinking that she and Philip were a thing. A thing. Yes, they were so into each other that people began asking when the wedding bells were going to be tossed out.

But that was only a dream: hers and theirs, not his.

This is how things went:

The reason why Philip seems to be oblivious of the fact that Ruth was a potential thatcher was that Philip had his own issues. He was the kind of guy who was reserved when it came to matters to do with relationships. He had met several other ladies initially in Town B. Church goers. Praise and worship members. Singers. So-called ushers. All church damsels. Church flock. Cherch flockers. Daughters of the Most High God.

His intentions were and had never been to throw himself at a woman and woo her into his arms. No. That's not how he rolls. His heart was into being right with God: in character, in manner, in desire and in mind. (He is the rare species of men, right?)

So when Philip met Ruth after his transfer to Town A, he didn't imagine that this thing (for that's exactly what it had become) would grow into a relationship. He knew that they shared moments with Ruth yeah, and that was it. She was a great lady. A great friend. She knew a lot of Bible, was committed to both her work and God's and could make a good wife someday. Maybe. But not his wife.

The reason why he was reserved is because he grew up knowing (oh yeah, he was misinformed, right?) that relating with a woman in other ways other than seeking the face of God always complicated things. So he adopted a certain policy: he'll always friendzone them (women.)

But the problem with such a decision is that he may end up without a life partner (that is if his prospects involve getting married some day) or he may end up hurting a long list of ladies without knowing. If he's not going to edit that so-called policy and add the following subtitles: "I just wanna be a friend. No relationship for now...", to make the ladies be aware of what he is up to, he'll end up messed up or messing up so many other people's lives.

So he happened to stay in Town A for two years and moved abruptly even without saying a goodbye to the church where he served or to his "dear" Ruth.

Ruth was left wondering. Gazing at the church doors every Sunday whenever she served hoping that Philip will appear again - just as he had disappeared.

But it has never happened. It seems he went for good.

"Maybe he had Lady B, somewhere?" wonders Ruth. "Or is he bisexual?" "Or a player...?" She goes on and on.

******************
That was a year ago. Philip's profession involves him moving from town to town so he moved on. (He too isn't ready to settle down.) And sadly enough, communication between them has just faded slowly into emptiness. She feels she's gone back to square zero. Thumping herself into her next potential relationship again. In fact, after giving it careful thought, it seems she's giving up on ever getting into a relationship. Ever.

So this is what our dear Ruth has decided:

1. No more friendzones.
In fact, she's going to make it her main prayer before she even stumbles into "manyunyu ya relationship" that this dude she is to meet would never even imagine friendzoning her; because, dear Lord, she's gonna die. She's gonna die of being friendzoned. Friendzones are such a bad thing to a God-fearing girl like her.

2. To avoid friendzones which are the source of all weird loneliness, she's going to avoid being too close to a guy before she knows if they can be heading anywhere.
Guys move on pretty fast, ladies don't; so why crash her boat before it even sails? She'll want to know if she is truly sharing the boat with this guy before giving it a go into the murky but beautiful waters of the heart.

3. Friendzones aren't funny, she has just discovered.
She is not going to treat a guy's movement into her life so lightly either. Her heart is not - and she'll repeat - her heart is not a play ground. She'll have to deal with every guy that tries to breach the fence around it the way she would deal with a thief.

4. She realized that once you are friendzoned, no matter how much you are in love, the possibility of getting into a relationship with the same guy is the same as that of a honeymoon on Mars.
So, no honey. No friendzones for her. She doesn't want to have an eternal imaginary dream wedding and marriage. No, not her.

5. She decided that if she's going to draw close to any guy, it would be at a healthy distance that will give room for a real relationship.
No BFF stuff. No weird closeness. No "shared moments". If a guy wants her in such a way, he's gonna have to put it straight on the table.

Do you think this is reason enough for you to hate friendzones too? Like Ruth? Do you think Philip cares, wherever he is that Ruth was affected this much?

Well, it's your choice.

But again, that's why friendzones are such a bad idea.

Bonface Morris.