Talking Point: Some Musings on Relationships Today

Note: This post seeks to give my general observations and opinion on relationships today. It mainly revolves around relationships amongst the unmarried members of the opposite sex. It doesn't have to be conclusive, I think. Most views are personal, but because I'm a devoted Christian (whatever that means to you) they are mostly guided by my Christian value system.

Millennial hyperbole
That one thing that sticks out amongst millennials is the way we relate to the opposite sex - the way we make or unmake relationships. It is very interesting and noteworthy.

You'd watch, imagine and conclude a few things about relationships today by looking at a few determining factors;
1. Why we get into relationships (that is, the reason as to why we would want to be in a relationship with the opposite sex, at all.)
2. How we get into relationships (this answers the question of the conditions, process and procedure/s through which or by which we get into relationships), and
3. When and where we happen get into relationships (the time, location and period most youngsters get in relationship matters.)

Then you'd discover that relationships today are either exaggerated (people post too much, think too much and suffer quite a lot because of them), suffer overindulgence (people put too much time and value in them), get overrated (people always think they mean to them what - in my opinion - they actually don't), get underrated (people think too little concerning them and offer little effort to salvage them) or are just a play ground (people refuse to take relationships seriously as they are supposed to in many cases.)

People get into relationships and they go overboard without looking back, and mostly, it is with a bit too much salt or without salt at all.

A variety of differences
Going back in time, I think our parents - from what I've gathered around - got into relationships in a very different context from ours.

The reason, the place, the age, the driving factor, the end point... They are all different.

Today, this difference causes parents to insist that young people should; study first, establish themselves, then get into relationships and that there is a certain age where wanting to be in a relationship with the opposite sex is nonnegotiable.

This is because they would want to pull out the same card that was pulled against them years back - of course in a different context but under similar circumstances - when they were still plucking and chewing the berries of their youth.

I would want to partially agree with such parents concerning the appropriateness of time when it comes young people and relationships; but truth be told: times have changed. Technology is making a 7year-old sound smarter than I am and possibly have access to more "adult" information than it was a few decades back. This seven year old now thinks like an adult and is able to make what modernity likes to call "informed decisions".

Also, it not guaranteed that God planned the same plan for all young people (about and above 3billion in the whole world) concerning falling in love and relationships: that our relationship "templates", so to say, are defaulted to: go to school > get work > meet a guy/lady > fall in love > get in a relationship > get married.

That cannot be the case.

I think we ought to really reconsider the age, conditions and status at which we are strongly inclined to think someone is "ripe enough" to get into a relationship with the opposite sex.

There has been little or no agreement at all between the old generation and millennials on why, how and when to enter into serious relationships. The difference should be understood, I think. The reason may be because our parents (and most people born before the 90's) got into relationships and managed relationships quite differently from the way people do today.

(Even then, there are still disagreements between the views on relationships from the 80's crowd, the 70's crowd and the below 60's crowd. It is most likely that relationship dynamics change with every decade; thus if there are siblings in our families that were born 10years apart, their views and values as far as relationships are concerned will be very different.)

Elderly people would say that "we remind them of themselves when they were our age" and they therefore pity us on how we choose to get into and work out our relationships.

It is true, we are pitiable. But we aren't hopeless. The times have changed, and so have the dynamics.

Our mothers wanted responsible, caring and able leaders in men; our ladies may need the same but with something more. Why? I think it is because life today comes with much more than just an "able man". Ladies today want to see beyond the promising capabilities. They want to see self-drive, handsomeness (uuh?), vision, ambition etc. It is more of the same cake but with more ingredients.

There are also differences not only in what caused our parents to get into relationships but also in how they ran and managed their relationships.

Everything seems to be so different now. (And I guess, that is why we are always fighting with our parents on how things should be done.)

Stimuli
And then campus changes almost everything someone has/had believed about relationships and love.

Once in campus, a young person with very conservative Christian values would always find themselves at crossroads as to what they should or shouldn't do as far as relationships are concerned.

There will be pressure (both direct and indirect) forcing them to think differently about the opposite sex. This pressure may come from the hormonal changes when they are close to the subject of love, from friends, from culture (the movies they watch, the people they see from time to time, the music and programs they listen to etc.) or from their consciences.

So if the wildest opportunity presents itself (and it always does, doesn't it?) even the good relationship they may end up having (like one with a person saved by the grace of God and washed in Christ's blood) may become a stumbling block to their value system and basic Christian principles for relationships.

A "super" brother can make a "super" sister fall, and vice versa. There is no mystery in this. So long as there is opportunity and no boundaries are put in place, and self-control is thrown out of the window, sin fears not the mighty. (This is the one thing I have noticed we overlook.)

People may judge these two as badly as they would want to, but that doesn't minimize or eliminate the possible risks that emerge in such relationships from time to time.

Dilemmas 
Unanswered questions and expectations will arise every now in relationships. Whenever such fears and concerns are not spoken out to the one they're intended for, problems arise. 

Some people refuse to get into committed relationships because they fear that they will fall victim to one or several of the factors that make relationships to fail (they may feel inadequate as potential partners, or fear that they may fall prey to unfaithfulness or violence or breakups or divorce). You can't blame them for this. (Or you may actually, depending on how you choose to look at it.)
Some make false conclusions on a certain group of people because of the above factors. You can't blame them too.

Such situations cause people to be quite indecisive and makes us pose the question: when can we ever be sure of anything if it involves and solely requires the commitment of another person rather than your own and when that involvement is not under your jurisdiction? Then we realize that surviving on maybes maybe the only great option we have for now. Our expectations may be less haunting if we acted with a bit more faith than surety. Because, for what it's worth, love is a war.

The biggest and most common dilemma today is when we Christians fall in love with non-believers and are threatened by the fact that we might overstep and go against every issue I addressed in this post »» Relationships: Why The Fuss Over Yokes? and in so doing, sin against God.

In the name of love
Millennials (and you should pick a bone with me on this one because young people are not the only victims here as we have come to notice) seem to be able to do anything so long as they are defending "the course of love" and are doing it (as they would want us to perceive it), "for the greater good" and "to the benefit of all." (Machiavelli should really be turning in his grave kinda right now.)

"So long as I'm gonna be with my love and we are two people who can tell wrong from right and have henceforth chosen this path to celebrate our love (a love which at such a point C S Lewis would say has become both a god and a demon), there is no reason for anyone stopping us..."

Stories have emerged (like the one below) and will keep emerging of a marriage or union of two people from two walks of life or two distinct generations that claim to have fallen in love and are therefore giving it a go. And they'll be unstoppable. And people will applaud them. And wine glasses will toss. And cycle would repeat itself over and over again.

I don't oppose this. (I have no reason to do so anyway.) But I would oppose such unions if the motive behind them is of a selfish or evil nature.

Here is a good example of this crop of people who fancily either go for the too old or the too young member of the opposite sex »» Woman, 38, Meets Boy Online, Gets Pregnant By Him.

We can blame them all we want, but they are grownups. No?

Hope
But there is always hope.
Our relationships, in their different trajectories can survive all these waves. It is not about escaping the waves, but learning to ride on them. 

Here are the waves:
1. What is the underlying factor behind our genuine or fake love? What draws us to each other or apart?
2. What are the underlying issues concerning relationships that cause us to disagree with people from different backgrounds, personalities and generations?
3. Why do we either treat relationships casually or with lots of commitment? What can we do about it?
4. Why does it matter so much what our sociocultural systems say about our relationships and how we run them? Is there anything we can do about it?
5. How to we deal with the dilemmas we face daily in our relationships?
6. Why do we put God on the edge but cry foul when everything gets messed up? Is there a place for Him in our relationships as young people?

These are just some issues I needed us to ponder about in today's talking point. Then, maybe, we can salvage the relationships we have between members of the opposite sex in the 21st century.
I know we can.

Bonface Morris (for Talking Point).