Relationships And Dating: An Overview and Response

Note:

1. This post is exclusively a reply to some questions asked by a faithful reader. (Remember that I am here to serve people, and without you guys, I ain’t doing nothing.)
2. When this blog mentions relationships or marriage, it is always between a male/man and a female/a woman.

First things first though...

Relationships are a good thing. Although I am not in one (for reasons well known to myself than to anyone out there), I can confidently confess that they are a good thing. And although many of you are opposed to me writing two-relationships-related-blogs out of every five or so, I will not shy from telling you (yes, you who thinks that I should talk more about God than I talk about relationships – as if good relationships are not part of the good stuff that God has planned for us) that I am doing this for guys out here – guys who need what I write... Pick out what feeds you from the blog, and leave the rest to those who feel that that is their stuff.

Good. Let’s now move on…

There is a very thin line between a good perspective on relationships and a bad one – I have been in one so I can tell you better. People enter into relationships for all the reasons in any book ever written. Some have twisted ones, while others are on point; also well-intended relationships can turn out bad at any time and in any place and for reasons I don’t somehow know. (I don’t have to anyway.) It happens.

Some of the reasons that cause people to get into relationships are listed below;

a)      Peer pressure – this is where one feels that they are being left out because all their friends are in working relationships and/or are getting married. They therefore get into a relationship to appease the pressure and seem to be “having a life too”.

b)     Societal or parental pressure – when parents and society (church, work place etc) want to see a wife or a husband “from you”, you get into the trouble of acquiring one “before time runs out”; and so that you may be seen as the “son/daughter that always listens to his elders.”

c)      Age – the older a man or woman gets, the more he/she puts pressure on himself/herself to get into a relationship – without caring about whether it is a good one or not. (Define ‘good’ in this statement the same way God defines it.)

d)     Chance – this is where people bump into others and start feeling that they should hook up. This is never pre-planned. And yeah, it may be lame but a good number of relationships have been birthed in this way.

e)      At the right time and for the right reasons – this explains itself. Although I don’t have the right definition of what “the right time” is, I can tell you that the right reasons do not involve any of the above.

So, for whatever reason, after one has gotten into a relationship, demands start creeping in. These demands are as common as air to everyone. You cannot escape them once you get into one. You only have two options while dealing with them: face them (where you win or lose), or run away from them (where you are also likely to win or lose.)

Two people on a beach date.

Now, listen, depending on why you got into the relationship, this is where things start breaking apart or falling together.

If you got into one for the sake of adventure and then the adventure vanishes, you are likely to fall out. If you got in with commitment in mind, you will work on the differences that arise between the two of you. If you got in in order to “suckle” your partner of the various benefits they are freely offering, you will fall out once they get finished. If you didn’t know what you were doing or were not sure/careful about your choice and timing, you start realizing that this stuff ain’t some kind of a joke. If you got into this thing due to attraction and wealth, you start realizing that there is more to a relationship than good looks and a good pocket. Lust and the greed for a good life are momentary. Reality is eternal. True. If a dude/chiq dates because a chiq/dude is haaawwwt or only because he/she dresses well, or only because he/she is figuring out that they are gonna have sweet babies in the future, wait until reality creeps in and overwhelms the swag and looks. He/she will vomit right into the other’s face! (Literally.)

In summary, when reality starts trickling in, you start seeing things you wain’t seeing before. This is where you start confessing things like, “I am not good at relationships” or “I think we need some time apart” or “Give me some time to think this thing over and come back to you…” or “I think I am not good for you” or “Why do you love me this much?” and so forth and so on… You also start questioning what you know about somebody or the whole hullabaloo that is love in relationships. You doubt if you were mature enough to get into a relationship (something that happened to me sometimes back.) You doubt whether you can hold such a relationship for the long run. Yeah, reality starts popping its head so menacingly that you wonder where it had been all this time.

When you get to this point, you are now getting your consciousness back and it is here that you will decide to hang in there and make whatever decision you make work. In whatever way it can be made to work, you will make it work. True story.

Here are some of the things you are likely to do;

1. You may decide to reduce the relationship to dating status – where you have less commitment to each other (which is by the way emotionally draining and a real fire-dragon in the hiding) or break away, hoping that the other party will understand why you chose to do whatever you did (this has also happened to me before). The problem is that they never actually do understand that **** (you know the word I would have put here. *smiles*). Or you may also choose to hang in there with a spirit of commitment and bear the blunt of immaturity – believe me you that this will cost you your heart, your mind, your pocket and your will. (Be ready for a war that you are assured never to win.)

2. You start analyzing things about your better half more keenly than you were doing before. You start seeing ghosts that “were not there in the beginning” – ghosts you had ignored. You start mimicking, and ranting, and heckling, and giving out silent drills… You start observing other relationships (mostly your friends’) and asking questions. You start reading blog posts like this and bookmarking them so that you may come back and read em again. You start wanting something better for the two of you. Why? Because you really wanna get information on how to keep your partner and grow your relationship. Because you DO care and you do not want to lose your relationship.

Now, if you are in love at this point, life may become a little bit bearable; but woe to you if you are still waiting for the other party to love you! You are doomed! You are doomed because any relationship that is one-sided is dangerous to your health. I say it again: a one-sided relationship - one where only one party cares to grow and nurture the relationship while the other loathes effortlessly – is unhealthy.

A relationship is like a seed: it needs to be nurtured in order to grow in a healthy way.

Okay, putting aside the slothfulness, allow me to assume that both of you are on the same page – that you both want the relationship to grow. This is what is likely to happen;

a)      Both of you start asking questions about each other and are deeply concerned about what is happening in each other’s lives. You ask about them with intensity and in a cherishing way. You tend to confess to each other things that none of your friends (or family members) knows about both of you. You start unleashing your deepest fears to each other, about plans, personalities, likes, dislikes etc. You may now be starting to know a few of their friends, where they work, what they study, their inner passions, their hobbies; you may talk about a few members of your families, you start calling each other nicknames etc. The relationship now goes from typical dating to intimacy or what Christians like I may start wanting to call the first stages of courtship.

b)     You become mad at each other more often than ever before. This indicates that while you are so much trying to sync your two distinct/different personalities, it is not that easy to achieve a common ground. You will express your dislike about the other person’s behaviors in a manner you can’t do to another person – erratic and sometimes unconventional. They will rant about your egocentrism/self-centeredness and selfishness. (By the way, I just realized the other day that almost all women think that all men are selfish. It may be true. Okay, I will leave that to your judgment.)

“Why all the indifference?” you may ask. Because you are now starting to somehow own them, and they, you. You will experience a certain deep hatred for this person and towards certain things/behavior in their lives, yet you will still love them deeply in a way you don’t even understand. They are things you may feel uncomfortable to tell them about you for now – like your finances and future plans for both of you. And it is normal to steal away some secrets about you – so long as they won’t hurt the relationship in the long run.

Note: Always leave a certain mystery about youself. Being TOO predictable is relationship killer. Also oversharing too early in a relationship can be dangerous as you may be perceived to be too revealing. Mystery is adventure, and everyone loves adventure, so use it to your own advantage.

But note that secrets like if you have had a child before or if you (or your family) have a chronic ailment/disease or not, should never be kept secret beyond this stage, or it may end up very very very bad – and you will not like it.

c)      You start wanting to know where the relationship is headed. You start questioning their commitment to what you both share. You start wanting to know why they talk to so-and-so in the way they do. You start becoming jealous - really jealous and territorial. (This was, in the past, reserved for women but presently, it is slowly streaming into dudes too. O, whatever happened to men! LQTM). If your partner is trying to play cool, and they are not trying to make lots of noise about you openly flirting with other guys/chiqs (if you have this bad behavior), smell trouble. Smell lots of trouble. It is possible that they may not be into it (the relationship) or that they are really hurting deep inside but are shy to tell you about it.

d)     Feelings start bulging. You will start making many confessions about the way you feel about them and they will reciprocate the same. Compliments will start coming in like a flood. Calls, text messages, WhatsApps, DMs. Silence too. Yes, silence too: silence because you are learning to mature and go beyond the “baby, I can’t do without you” cliché. You want to learn to love each other but be independent of each other too. This proves maturity. You may need to be careful at this stage because sin crouches faster and rapidly here than at any point. You may (countless times) be tempted to become touchier and to have sex. And to you, yes you, Christian lady/guy, sex is a NO NO before marriage. I say it again, sex before marriage ain’t right for two saved guys (or for anyone in that matter.) Follow this link and watch the resulting video on this page, then prove me wrong.

Now, after realizing that you can work on your many differences, avoid some and tolerate others, you may move into the next stage of courtship (or whatever you call it – because I have just realized that it doesn’t matter what you call it but what you do in that stage) and then the next one…

I think 2,000 words are enough for an answer that has been this blog…

Till next time,

Bonface Morris.

She Is Beautiful

I will tell you a story, a story of a girl I know.
I will tell you a story I tell myself daily (at least of late).
I will narrate to you what I would dare tell her one day; and what I rehearse in my mind and in my heart, and in my soul time after time.
I will tell you what I know, and what you would want you to know.

I will tell you of her beauty.

She is beautiful.
She is so beautiful.
She is beautiful from the elegance in her walk to the spawns of her lips.

You can see it yourself and confess that indeed she is beautiful.

Her hair feels like the velvety petals of Bougainvillea flowers, like the red roses and the chubs of a new born.
Her cheeks glow like the moon - like the full moon - starrily gleaming in the harangue of an ugly world.
Her eyes, her lashes, her brows are well placed on her face - just like lilies place themselves on still waters - with peace and beauty when a cool breeze whirls through them.
Her neck stands tall, yeah it stands tall like the grasses of the sages in the wild.
Her chin and her neck are the most lovely combination I've ever seen - a reflection and excellence of angelic reality.
Her shoulders, her countenance and her very presence makes me feel like this moment with her is borrowed - like I don't deserve it
Yes, she is so beautiful...

Her personality is like a rock - steady and firm, reassuring and real.

Her devotion to the works of her fingers - those beautiful fingers - is impeccable. She makes you want to meet her mother.

Her heart is the gold of her personality. She belongs to God. She is His child. She is a gem. She is gold.

Her smile soothes me away into forgetfulness. I lose my words. I lose my many words.

Her mind, her brain, her plans... O, I am hypnotized!

Yes, I am.

Yes, she is beautiful.

But I don't know if she knows it - that she is beautiful.
I also don't know how she does it or how she feels about her beauty.
Maybe she breathes a different air from the rest of her kin.
Maybe she travels from the outer world to Earth everyday to haunt us with her magnificence.
Maybe she eats fruits from the God's Garden itself.
Or maybe she takes Australian bush tucker for her breakfast.
Or our African stuff pounded in a Mexican Molcajete.
Maybe she comes from places of deep where they walk on diamonds and are dressed with rubies.
Maybe she walks with angels. Probably they are her friends.
I just don't know how a creature can be this beautiful.

She is so beautiful.

The other day I was tempted to tell her.
Yeah, I was. I was tempted to tell her about her beauty.
I was tempted to ask her, "Lady, how come you are this beautiful?"
Then I became shy. Her smile almost killed me. I don't know how, but it did.
You should have seen it - the smile. It inspires me to write songs. To write songs in praise of her beauty.

Then the other day (a day different from the first one), I dreamt.
I think she now lives in my dreams. She does. Or I really want her to. Or both.
I dreamt that we were gone, gone together is a place far away.
That we were holding hands and I was whispering tiny little things into her ears (like the ones I'm saying here).
And that she was staring at me with those golden eyes.
And that she was blushing - and I with her was embracing this opportunity with both hands, a hug, and colossal mesmerism.
I dreamt that I was wanting to ask her to be mine.
Then I woke up. I had overslept. You can imagine how I felt. Bad.
The beauty of the moment to be just faded away.

So now I sit here perturbed. Imagining things. 

Wondering if the dream was true. Or if it can ever be true.
You see, I'm not that cute. But she is.
Will we compliment each other?
The beauty and the beast, huh? Maybe?
She lit up a fire of love. In me.
One that had died. One that had long been abandoned.
And I am now promising myself funny things...

But for now, all I can say is that she is beautiful...

Yes she is.

Bonface Morris.

3 'Must Haves' to Successful Christian Living

The world we live in today is very ridiculous. It is always expecting too much from Christians - quite too much. It knows what our standards should be - what the Bible says about Christian behavior - and it is not only holding us accountable for what we do, but also judging us for the same.

The world does not act with kindness when dealing with Christians. It is harsh. Intolerable. Merciless. Judgmental. And rude. It is judging us with the highest standards of scrutiny, the same of which if it is subjected to, it may fall down under before it even thinks of rising up. The balances it uses in sieving through what we do and how we behave are meticulous, and that is the truth.

But that does not matter. (At least not to the Christian who will consider what I am sharing in this post.) We know who we are. Christians know who they are. We know it and are not running away from it. We will not try to be petty over it either. We will strive to live to the measure of what God's Word says. Right here in this generation. We will strive to do it in the midst of scoffers and perjurers and in the midst of a world that is always running away from God.

The truth is that Christians are the yard stick of the world. We are to be emulated. We are to be copied (literally, and again not so literally). We represent God, and God is worthy to be emulated. We are to bring hope, and show love, and make people experience God. That is our duty on this earth. And we are in for the task.

Although there is no straight-on formula to "making it" in Christian life except that provided in the Bible, below are three BASIC things that are necessary when one wants to become the Christian they should be (or that God expects them to be);

1. The Word of God
It has been stressed upon countless times that The Word of God is the Christian's mantle. I am going to reiterate it more. Psalm 119:105 (ESV) says "Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.") There is no magic to successful Christian living. No, there is not. God is very clear that we need to know His Word in order to please Him (Read Joshua 1:8 (ESV) "This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success." and Colossians 3:16 "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God."

I need to meditate upon it and delight in it (Psalm 1:2 (ESV) "...but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night." I need to live it. It is not my Pastor's nor my leader's duty to know God's Word on my behalf, it is my duty. I should know it and seek to apply it in my life so that I may live the life I am supposed to live.

Here are reasons why every Christian should read, know, understand and live God's Word;

(a) God's Word are His instructions to the born again Christian on how He expects us to live in this fallen world. Only by heeding it do we understand His thoughts and plan(s) for us.

(b) God's Word contains revelation about God and ourselves. It reveals to us who and what God is to us, to the universe, and to mankind; and also reveals us to ourselves. We can only know who we truly are by reading the Word. We also are able to know who the devil (Satan) truly is and what all his plans against us are.

(c) The Word of God is the Christian's power in overcoming temptation and the devil. (Hebrews 4:12 (ESV) "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart", Ephesians 6:17 (ESV) "...and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God..." and Revelation 12:11 (ESV) "And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death."

2. The Holy Spirit

We all understand that the Holy Spirit is part of the God-head: the third person in the Holy Trinity. It is very basic for every Christian to understand that unless we have the Holy Spirit, we do not belong to Christ (Romans 8:9b (ESV) "Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him.). There are three things that the Holy Spirit does;

(a) He helps us (gives us strength) in our daily living and mentors us towards holiness. He helps us pray/intercede, fast, read God's Word, meditate, speak the truth, attend church, dress right, speak graciously, love people, persevere/tolerate people, be gentle, be kind, be merciful, be less judgmental, think right//purely, practice self control, be joyful regardless of circumstances, be good to people, be understanding, put others first (be selfless), be humble, become wise, be faithful (both to God and fellow men), be generous... the list is endless. In simple terms, He helps us live the life we are called to live, because we can never make it on our own. (Refer to Galatians 5:22 (ESV) "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness..." and James 3:17 (ESV) "But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.")

(b) He is our inspiration, comfort and motivation. Matthew 10:19 (ESV) says "When they deliver you over, do not be anxious how you are to speak or what you are to say, for what you are to say will be given to you in that hour" and Acts 9:31 (ESV) says "So the church throughout all Judea and Galilee and Samaria had peace and was being built up. And walking in the fear of the Lord and in the comfort of the Holy Spirit, it multiplied."

(c) He is our guide. John 16:13 (ESV) says "When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come", Judges 11:29 (ESV) says "Then the Spirit of the LORD was upon Jephthah, and he passed through Gilead and Manasseh and passed on to Mizpah of Gilead, and from Mizpah of Gilead he passed on to the Ammonites" and Psalm 143:10 (ESV) says "​Teach me to do your will, for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground!"

3. The Congregation of Saints

Many of us take this for granted. We think that it is useless to meet other Christians and worship together. Some avoid meeting other Christians in the name of "protecting themselves from gossip, back-biting and intolerable Christians", and others because "the Church has become a market place - it is better if we live this life on our own." Some have even insisted that "I can watch/listen to sermons on TV/radio all day and still be more blessed and nearer to God than you guys who went/go to church..." 

Whenever we make these assumptions, we deceive ourselves and are driven away from the Church itself. 

There is an important point to note about the Early Church that is still relevant to the Church and Christians today: they used to fellowship with one another more than we do today, and that kept them stronger and focused on living a godly life. Find reference from the verses below;

- 1 John 1:3 (ESV) "...that which we have seen and heard we proclaim also to you, so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ."

- Acts 2:42 (ESV) "And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers."

- 1 Corinthians 16:19 (ESV) "The churches of Asia send you greetings. Aquila and Prisca, together with the church in their house, send you hearty greetings in the Lord."

The apostle Paul also insists in Hebrews 10:24-25 that "...and let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near."

Whoever tries to defend themselves against this matter is only but being prideful and conceited.

Attending fellowships and church helps us in the following ways;

(a) Encouraging one another, support, companionship, affection and socialization. Of course every congregation will have its own "bad sides", but it should serve the purpose of an extended Christian family. The church is a home to every soul that needs godly company.

(b) Accountability - when we lose out on attending church, we miss the opportunity to be accountable to a community of people that can positively shape our thinking, desires and daily personal behavior. We miss our on being trimmed to become better Christians in the society at large. The congregation of saints provides us with real mentors and consultants in real life experiences.

(c) The congregation of saints helps us in our positive personal growth, transformation and change. When we meet people with like minds, who are seeking to worship and serve God like we do, we are challenged to become better in serving fellow men and God. We stop being limited to our views and take on life.

The above points are very BASIC and are meant to help us kick-start living a life that is worthy the calling we have received in accordance with Matthew 3:8 (ESV) "Bear fruit in keeping with repentance" and Ephesians 4:1 (ESV) "I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called"). Use them to impart something useful into the lives of the people around you.

God bless.

Bonface Morris.

Slow Down

“I confess that I should be the busiest boy/girl in Africa.”

“I rarely go to bed on the same day I woke up.”

“My days are more filled up than they are freed out.”

“I am almost always exhausted!”

If you can relate with any of the above statements, just as I do, then this post is for you...

In the recent few years, so much has been happening in my life. So much so that I cannot not hold it all together to show you just how much. I tend to be more and more involved in tight schedules and random activities. My to-do-list is always overflowing, always over-flooded with things to be done. I am striving to become better at so many things in so little a time. I want to be here. I want to be there. I want to be in so many places touching so many lives in so little time. I am needed here. I am needed there. I am needed in so many places all at the same time. I am always dividing myself into little pieces of myself in order to meet various demands at varied times. I am always diving into deeper waters of service. My life is always on the run. I am in urgent need of a slow down.

Life is in a rush today. A very big rush. I have not met many people who don't rush through life today. Not even my own self manages doing that quite well. People are becoming less creative, less intuitive, less thoughtful but more noisy and more presumptive. Everything seems to be in a waterfall: studies, service to people (both work and church), family, friends... Everything is a waterfall. Everything demands for our attention:

Drivers are driving faster. Preachers are preaching quicker, and their messages are becoming shorter. Young people need things done kinda yesterday. Twitter is faster, more definite, precise and more to the point than ever before. Facebook is crazier, bumper and more spontaneous today than it was 5 years ago. WhatsApp is crazier, nastier and catchier. More and more relationships are budding from social networks than they are in real life. Divorces are on the rise due to lost hope - married partners are losing trust in each other at a rapid speed than you can ever imagine. Trust is like the wind - swings and sways without ever settling. People are preferring get-quick-get-out paradigms to anything that demands commitment (no wonder so many relationships are falling apart, and if they DO exist, they are only but ghost relationships...). People want quick things and they don’t care that these things attained in a rush will disappear just as fast as they came...

Christians want to deal with their God in the same way: more demanding, more impulsive and edgier than ever before. I am not talking about charisma because charisma can be good; I am talking about ambition, because ambition is always dangerous. THE WORD OF FAITH DOCTRINE is on the rise. And it is sweeping all of us away. All of us. True story. (Get time to read about THE WORD-FAITH DOCTRINE/MOVEMENT here.) More and more Christians now believe that they can literally “manufacture” their own blessings so long as they do a few predetermined things or follow a certain predetermined way of doing things - and always minus obedience or adherence to the Word of God. We are believing more in the lie that we don’t need God to make things work. We are having puppetry for Christianity: a people who believe in (and are mostly controlled by) systems than they are controlled by the Word of God. (I bet you have heard that somewhere in Matthew 15:9, right?)

Life is in a rush - a very unhealthy rush. And we need to redirect traffic and stop life from rushing this fast and ending us all in a place called nowhere. We need to stop life before we lose our friendships that have been nurtured over time, before we lose our health (both spiritually, physically and morally), before we throw away our relationships due to emotional drain and/or absence, before we lose our God and our faith; and before we get burnt out or ultimately depressed. We need to slow down.

But how do we slow down in this internet age where everything is in a rush?

Somewhere at the beginning of this week, Mashable.com had an article titled “How to Spend Only 10 Minutes Per Day on Twitter”. It didn't help us at all (we twitter addicts). (Oh I just had to confess that!) It is because it suggests the very things we avoid to do: creating lists and streamable #hashtags. We hate that. So we won’t be doing it. Not anytime soon.

But after running over a  few possibilities about the best way to slow down, I created a list that I think may help. Read it below and consider yourself helped:-

1. Learn to say “no!” Yes, I am writing this in bold red so that you get it. Saying ‘no’ does not mean that you are narcissistic, or that you are  mean, but that you know when your limits are catching up, and that you can never be God: you can’t satisfy everyone at all times by doing everything they "need" you to do! You will burn out and nobody will care. Yeah dearie, nobody will care. So why not take care of your body by simply saying ‘No! Not now.’ That is why people take sabbaticals.
2. If you are a leader, learn to delegate duties. There are people around you that can perform that task just as well as you can. Please allow them to trim their expertise. Step in an mentor someone to take over you. Leave a permanent legacy in your area of specialization.
3. Learn to know that time is no one’s possession. You can’t control time, but you can master it. Use this knowledge to your advantage.
4. Pray that you don’t get carried away by the cloggy unimportant stuff you meet in the course of every day you spend. It is the devil’s trap to make you depressed and discontented all the time. Take time and have your devotions. Read your Bible. Pray. Don’t just skim through the Bible and mutter/stutter words and call them prayer, no. Become intimate with God. Meditate on what you read. Seek to know Him. Make Jesus your friend and the Holy Spirit your daily guide. Spiritual strength is able to muster enough strength to keep you going for days. So the more you make it a habit, the more refined you will be on a daily basis!
5. Schedule your to-do-list. Have priorities. Learn to work on one thing at a time, starting with the 2 minutes activities, then the 10 minutes tasks, then the 30 minutes ones, and so forth and so on. Don’t postpone a call or a text message unless it is sooooo necessary for you to do so. Smartphones can help you work around this. Get an SMS app that schedules texts and a Contacts app that persistently pops up a notification to remind you to call someone. Log out of WhatsApp or any other IM service you are using; or to save yourself from "IM starvation" (it is some sort of modern malnutrition), respond to a few WhatsApps then mark yourself “away” - that is if WhatsApp has such a thing (I have never used it, so I have no idea if it has such stuff)... As for me, I cannot stand unanswered pings and messages on WhatsApp, so I refused to join.
6. Schedule your Email, Twitter and/or Facebook updates/respond times so that you only appear on social media at certain times of the day and not all the time... (This is actually for me.) Or again, blot out all the unnecessary pings from those many apps you have on your phone or laptop. Uninstall them. (I just did that to some today! :-) Hah!)
7. Do what you can today. Leave the rest for tomorrow. It is that simple. Not all things fit in one day. But don't again fall trap to worshiping a god called procrastination. No, don't. 
8. Have a time off. Chill. Relax your brain. Go out for a walk. Take out someone for a meal. Watch a movie. Play a game. Read a book. Listen to music. Laugh. Go for a holiday. Exercise. Join a gym club - or just do your gym thang. Make yoursefl happy. That is what the money you are running after is for, right? Just do something that calms you down - something that pulls you away from the world and unto yourself.
9. Take at least ten minutes daily to reflect on how the day was without worrying about the bad parts. Please remember to congratulate yourself for the good parts. During this time, put off your phone, shut down your laptop, the internet and that TV... Just allow your mind to go on recess - unoccupied and “breathing.” This will put you back on track.
10. Start working on the above points - one at a time until you feel slowed down.

Then slow down.

Good luck with that.


Bonface Morris.

Valentine's With My Crush

Happy Valentine's Day!

Ahem! Guys, this is a singles’ edition of Valentine’s Day.

It will act as a breathing spot for us, so let all ye people who are in relationships and all that bla bla bla stop reading this or, eeeeh, you may as well just read it for your painful merriment. I don’t really care. But to the single guys, it may just give you a leeway on how to deal with the Valentinemania.

This is how it it is likely to go;

The day is Thursday, 13th February, 2014. It is just one day (or just a few hours really) from the whacky Valentine’s Day. Everyone is already quoting empty love quotes all over the place - TV, radio, social media, blogs (where guys are heightening the madness of writing ‘letters’ to husbands or wives-to-be) are filled with all these empty quotes. Everything is just so sickening.
Well, but Morris, the lad with guts to challenge status quo has something in mind...

The following conversation (and scenes that follow) are happenings between him (*sic*) and his good friend Annabelle (a single lady actually).
These events occur in real time, in an undisclosed place, but in his mind...

Annabelle: Hi Morris, niajez za Valentines? Najua uko single, so hakuna haja ya kuanza ku.pretend ati ooh ooh nini... Hebu nishow your Valentine’s ideas this year kama msee ako single...

Morris: *Clears voice and feigns oblivion* Huh? Ati unasemaa?

Annabelle: Okay, I gerr it. I have to dig deeper. Tell me, you have a crush, right?

Morris: Yeah, let’s say so - that is if what a crush is to you is what a crush is to me.

Annabelle: Mhhhhh, that’s interesting... So what is a crush to you?

Morris: A crush is just that: a crush. They crush you. You gerr it? They convert you into some sort of plummy-pudding. They melt you. Yet they either don’t exist and/or if they do, you have neither met nor talked to them. Yeah, it is like that. It is like that with crushes.

Annabelle: Oh! We are on the same page now-o.

*Silence*

Annabelle: Okay, have you ever fallen in love before? Or, eeehh, are you somewhat in love currently?

At this point, Morris is tempted to give her an answer close to the one in a certain advert: “Come on dearie, love is for the quails!”, but he gathers his utmost etiquette and good Christian manners and tells her...
Morris: Yeah, something close to that.

Annabelle: Who was/is it? I mean, the mam’selle?

Me: Oooh, you really wanna know? Okay, lemme talk about the now and not the then. I don't even know her - my crush - if that is what you need clarification on. She exists only in my imagination and prayers, but you know what? I wanna date her on Valentine's. She is real to me. *Sic*

Annabelle: Aaaaaaaaw! Tell me about it.

Morris: Okay my dear. But be ready for a grenade, tonsils, a soap opera and a Kenyan-styled digital migration - all combined. Get ready for awesomeness. This is what I am planning:

Morris goes into a hyperbolic frenzy but with minimal extroversion of the contents therein...
Morris: You know that I am a lover of adventure, right? (Annabelle nodes her head) You know it. And I just don't gerr it how I can be missing out on all the fun on Valentine's Day. Oh no, I won’t. So my dear, this is what I am going to do today and tomorrow as I await my crush to bombard my petty life;

1. Culture an obsession for the red color
Thank God that my Airtel is already red - that is well catered for. I am happy about that. Another good thing is that my blood is always celebrating Valentines - red all the way! I'll stay around relaxed and (maybe) develop a liking for red stuff. I know she'll like it - my crush. I hear that red has a sense of romance and passion in/about it, and that red can awaken failing embers of life. So in that line of things, I may need a red bow tie, (or a red shirt), red candles, a red heart, red flowers and a red mind... Aaaaah! Even red air flying high with crimson fireflies! After that has been put in place, and I'm satisfied with the days' arrangements, I shall comb myself into the next step...

2. Learn the art of giving gifts
This is the next step in my line of plans. 

Although there is a certain argument that I have been having in my mind about gifts, I am considering to keep it pending to allow Valentine's Day to flow in freely. This is the ultimate date my dear, and I am going to overrule those funny thoughts about gifts and embark on well-mannered gift-unleashing tendencies. I am going to learn to relentlessly give in to all weapons formed against my precious wallet by allowing them to prosper (I actually overheard this somewhere.) I am going to think #HighTech when unleashing my gift-sense on my crush: I am going to think Lillian, Mimi or Kung'ara. You know wharr um talking ‘bout!
Then I’ll sit down and pretend that it ain’t nothing and spoil her in the utmost sense of the word. Case closed.

3. Flowers
Oh my my my! Flowers! Damn fresh flowers! Red, velvety-soft, cute, and sweet-smelling things! O what I would do for their love! Maybe I should start the search now. Maybe tomorrow morning. Maybe. But I’ll need a strong flower sense in order to impress her.

Annabelle blushes...

This (the flower sense) will ensure that I am on top of my game come tomorrow. I am going to make my well rehearsed ninja moves on how I’ll present the gifts and flowers to her (to this non-existent lady), then smile and continue planning...

4. Get a next level music collection for the occasion
If you thought that we single guys don’t have a sense for romance attached to our core-most lives, baby you got it all wrong. You have it the other way round, buddy. You see, what I am going to do is this: You have heard of #SelfieOlympics, right? Oh yeah. I am gonna have my own selfie competition, right here in my diggs with the music playing in the background. Then I will take my best photo shoots (worthy of an Oscar actually) - the best you've ever seen as I DJ one playlist after another of this music and that... and, er, maybe take video selfies of my dance moves (again, do we have a name for that? For videos selfies?) Okay...

5. Prepare for whatever comes my way
Because I am still not sure if my crush will be here, I’ll need a few rehearsals on dealing with the “boom!” feeling that comes with her deciding to thin herself in the air. Ladies love surprises. I don’t. I don’t love surprises. And because of that, I am not going to tolerate being played dumb on such a beautiful day.
I want a beautiful and successful day, and if I am not going to have one, at least I can give it to myself. (That is actually law number two of singlehood.) So this is what I am going to do: if she won’t turn up (because this may just be but a dream), I’ll take all these stuff, make myself comfortable, keep dreaming (and praying if possible) and (at least) be happy that I did something for myself on Valentines.

*Silence.*

Annabelle: Oh, I now gerr it.


They both walk away in silence...

End of scene.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all ye clumsy single people. Take care.



Bonface Morris.

Leadership: Guidelines to Leading Worship & Worship Teams Today

It is already five Sundays into the new year, and I am glad that we've all been worshiping, worshiping the Lord Almighty.
It is amazing how days are going forth before us... January has vanished before I even took a deep breath, and February is already moving on rapidly.
The year is not new anymore. And if we have not yet embarked on doing something useful with ourselves, we are already failing.

As a worship leader (or as a worship team leader), you may have made a few resolutions in the course of last year or at the beginning of this new one - those you don't dare shout on any other mountain but on the mountain of God - about leading people in worship, about music, about your worship team and teamwork, about creativity and maybe about enthusiasm in ministry.
You may have called out on God in the secret place and whispered to Him (just as He does to you from time to time) about the congregation you lead, your fellow worship team members, the instruments you use, your pastor and so forth and so on...

But my question is: are you impressed so far with how things are going on?

There is this song by Casting Crowns, "Stained Glass Masquerade", where Mark Hall says this;

Is there anyone that fails? Is there anyone that falls? 

Am I the only one in church today feeling so small? 

Cause when I take a look around, everybody seems so strong 

I know they'll soon discover, that I don't belong 

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay 

If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too 

So with a painted grin, I play the part again 

So everyone will see me the way that I see them 

Chorus: 

Are we happy plastic people, under shiny plastic steeples? 

With walls around our weakness, and smiles to hide our pain? 

But if the invitation's open, to every heart that has been broken 

Maybe then we close the curtain, on our stained glass masquerade... 

What Pastor Mark is trying to say to us is that once we are in our churches, we tend to pretend that everything is absolutely okay. We love making everyone else in our worship teams and congregations to believe that WE (as a whole) are okay. We stand before people every Sunday, look at them, smile, and pretend that as far as worship is concerned, our churches are doing well. Well, everything may not be okay.

The truth is that we face innumerable challenges but we prefer not to talk about them as worship leaders. We have gotten used to developing shock absorbers, learned how to work around these problems and move on.

But that doesn't mean that the issues we fail to attend to disappear, no. They still remain: the stings of insubordination in our teams, the lack of seriousness and charisma in fellow lead worshipers, the grating brought by self-ish-ness and the autonomous clunk of uncooperative members; and the lack of discipline (both in attendance of practice/rehearsal sessions and to authority)... These issues still grind us from time to time. They never stop glaring their teeth at us. And we feel inadequate and let down in one way or another. Mostly plastic. Because we fail to know how to deal with these challenges.

I have been in my church's Worship Team for about 8 years now. (Yes, I'm that old. :-)) I have seen, worked with and and heard from quite a number of worship leaders and members. We have struggled with so many issues - some of which have refused to disappear up to date. (We are a tiny and humble team anyway.) But regardless of the many challenges we are facing from week to week and season to season (because all worship team leaders will tell you that church worship moves along a certain trend of weeks and seasons), I am still convinced that God did not call us to this place for nothing. He did not ordain us to maintain a certain viewpoint and weakness and term it as "what we are". No, He did not.

I am [rightfully] convinced that effectiveness as a worship leader - even as challenges abound - is something I am going to talk about even ten years from now. I am convinced that I have had all these challenges right here where I am, with my small team of weird worshipers (me included), so that I may be able to wear the same shoes all lead worshipers all over the world wear every Sunday.

I need to remind us that victory has never been apart from a myriad of challenges, but their child. Challenges yield power to overcome even more challenges. So if I remind us that God has called us to a ministry that cuts across all the major offices of the church, a ministry that is not small but great - even though many of us may be tempted to think otherwise - a ministry that involves ushering people into God's presence, I know we will gain a conscience that overcomes what the devil is trying to do to our worship teams today.

The following points don't seek to solve our challenges but to better our standing (because Paul says in Ephesians 6:13 "...and having done all, to stand...")

1. Be Sure of Your Calling
Maybe as a start, the most important thing and what we need to be very sure about is our calling. Our calling is very critical to our commitment to the work of the One who called us.
A calling is nothing near passion and talent; it is deeper and greater than that. Being called is being called: you hear a voice, you follow that voice, you do what that voice is telling you; that is what we call being called. A worship leader needs to have a deep assurance that it is God who told them to do whatever they are doing, and that it is not their show.
If a worship leader is not sure that they have been called by God Himself, they will not survive the many challenges the devil will bring their way. Once we realize that we have been called by God Himself, and that He has chosen us to the Priestly service of helping people bring up their utmost offering to Him, we can conquer whatever comes our way with the Knowledge that He who called us is faithful and that He is always watching over us to the end. (Philippians 1:6)
If we are not sure about our calling, we can never be sure of our service.

2. Show Commitment
We may cry foul as many times as we want, but none of those we lead will believe in us as their leaders unless we are a notch higher in our commitment, intimacy with God and fervency than they are.
A team lead by a leader who is less serious about what he/she is doing will either fall apart or undermine their leadership.
People will take you for your word or ignore you according to how you manage your time (including theirs), how you follow after the words you say and how you do whatever you do.
As a worship team leader, (and/or as a worship leader), how much more than the rest of your team are you committed to the team and what you people do? How many new songs have you taught them as an individual? Do you pray more than any one of them? What about your own rehearsal sessions? do you practice on your own? Do you read your Bible often? Are you strongly founded in the Word of God? How much more creative than the rest of your team are you? Do you sing more than any one of them? Do they see intimacy in your relationship with God? Do you value teamwork?
These questions guide us in gauging our intimacy, commitment and fervency in leading worship.

3. Become Like a Pediatrician
God just whispered to me the other day that leading worship is like becoming a pediatrician. I fumbled with it for a while. I mean, I clearly knew that all pediatricians do is to treat children and offer guidance on child-care. I could not connect that with worship. I couldn't.
But wait, while in my fumbling, a congregation was brought to me: people seated with others standing, and a worship team full of newbies and oldies; and there I was taught the lesson of my life: "Morris, learn to treat all these people you are seeing before you like children. Pretend that none of them knows the right thing to do and how to do it. Tolerate them and make them learn from you... step by step..."
Then I understood. I hope you get it too: we need to treat everyone else around us as if they are children (not that they are children, but like they are children) and that they are waiting for guidance from us. Any wrong step they may make becomes our fault.
Why? Because we are their pediatricians, and they are our child patients...
A lead worshiper should never make assumptions about the congregation he/she is leading. Thus the faster we learn to deal with and handle our team members and congregations as we do children, the fewer the challenges we'll have to deal with.

4. Serve 
Everyone will tell you how well they know that "we are called to serve". Even politicians do so. But you will find very few people who actually serve. Very few people DO serve.
All the people in our congregations and worship teams exist at different spiritual levels. Each one of them wakes up every Sunday (or every other day of practice/rehearsal) from a family with all kinds of situations to deal with. We are not the same. We will never be. And we as worship leaders need to learn a way that will help us fully embrace this and deal with it in a constructively.
People have a wild array of distractions still clouding their minds even after stepping past that church gate. They may be standing before you in church, but their minds may be miles away.
In an article I was reading sometime back, the author indicated that every church or congregation - depending with where it is located and the nature of its members - needs to have a way of "capturing people's minds and bringing them to the same page and place" before worship or any other engagement in church is commenced.
The writer reiterated that the best way to enable people "switch" from their personal affairs to church affairs may be through story telling or a short skit, a poem or humor... Everyone needs to be on the same page before worship...
So considering that everyone else around us is like a child, how do we move them to the place where they can minister to God instead of waiting for God to minister to them?
It is through service. We need to learn to serve the congregations and teams we lead. Service is achieved through;

• Sharing a word of encouragement from Scripture 
• Smiling 
• Telling them a story about what God has been doing currently - with relation to the issues they already know 
• Encouraging them to sing because God is pleased when people worship and sing to Him. (Hebrews 13:15) 

That is all I have to say for today.

Remember that it is normal to be wondering (because I also do it often) "What has the church become today?" (in a twist of speech slightly similar to G.K. Chesterton's "What Is Wrong With the World?") and to stand before people on Sundays and get worried about what we have become: too green, without enthusiasm, fervency or emotion in our singing and without the good old loud prayer in our worship moments... but after you have wondered, know that God - the One who called us to His service - is still in FULL CONTROL. Yes, He is.

Keep doing what you are called to do. Your reward is greater than you can know or tell (1 Corinthians 15:58 and 1 Corinthians 2:9.)



Bonface Morris.

The "Ex" Factor: Should You Date/Court Your Ex Again or Not?

Yes guys, it is February again. The month of love. Or so they say.

Thank God it is (February). I now have the privilege to talk "things love" without being judged by most of you. In some other "normal" month, I would prefer to tread such topics as the one above very carefully, knowing that all these gazelles, porcupines and tigers - sorry for calling you that guys, sorry - are watching from afar, waiting for my slip so that they may slip in their two pence of criticism and marionettry.

Okay.

You may want to curse the goads. If you want to, er, if you have to. But that will not stop February from being what it is, and what it has always been. February is the Rolex of love, the sun of everything love; the month when dead and/or dying relationships face either of these two things: a break-up or a pull-up; and new love is birthed, and some is rekindled, and forgotten things are done, and lame excuses are made... up until another February... (for those who worship routine.)

I just want to promise you that because you cannot escape this reality that comes with February as a single person, or as and oblivious young person or as a "playing ground" kinda fella, you may need to read a few lines from Uncle Morris himself. (Okay, I think I've once mentioned somewhere that I have several kids that call me Uncle, so get used to it buddy. :-) I am an uncle, baby.)

February is boring. Or it is going to be. At least to most of us.
Hello dudes, please say, "Yeah!" in agreement like you be whooping in church...
Well, and because it is boring to many (especially guys), leave alone its hoars of grasp upon tender and lonely hearts, and because you don't like it, why not vent a little? Why not get carried away with my talk?

You'll need to be carried away somehow because with all this power February has on the people around you, the way it is going to grasp you in melancholy and turn you into some kind-of circumstantial puppet, it ain't good. It ain't good at all. Watching a couple of love-frenzy friends is not fun. No, it is not.

Don't blame the love-birds yet. Don't. If it were you in their shoes, you'll do the same thing. True. Don't deny it. Man is a disciple of bliss; wherever it goes, he obediently follows... So when you see them trapped in the hullabaloo that is love and they seem to be busking in the tremors of its existence, and they are are like air-filled balloons aiming everywhere and enjoying the airs of existence, just swallow it up. And move on.

Or allow yourself to be vulnerable to my advice today. Allow yourself to hear what I have to say about you getting rejoined with your ex before taking your phone and falling into the temptation of calling, texting or WhatsApp-ing them "just to kill the loneliness" or "just to say 'hi'". Because that is what getting bored does to people: they start doing things they would never do even if the sun rose up in the middle of the night. They start eating what the doctor warned them not to, and walking on broken glass, and walking naked on the streets (not literally)... Emptiness and loneliness creates a fondness for the past. But honey, please wait.

My research tells me that by the age of 23, each one of us has had an ex or two... the most notorious ones in our midst having had upto five or so. If you have not had an ex since you were born, it is okay. You are normal. There is no problem with that - you are just the reserved type, and pray hard that you won't get into this ex mess soon...

So I've been wondering: Should you date your ex? Again? Is it a good idea? Or just because February is calling, you'll need someone to accompany you to that party you and your friends have planned?
Well, consider the following questions;

• What made you ditch them in the first place? Has it (the thing that made you ditch them) changed? Really? Have you changed? Are you ready to run life with compromise in order to meet their needs? (Of course in a Godly way.)
• Was your break-up nasty? Was there name-calling and yelling, and grenades, and waruus? A lot of repair may need to be done buddy, if you are thinking of going back.
• To the saved guys: was the relationship God's idea or your own idea? And to the secular guy: were you ready for this thing or was it your own (and your friends') idea?
• Was God in it? Was God involved? Were you in it or were you pushed into it?
• Were you two mature people when you got into it? Kids can't manage and keep relationships. They don't know the why (Why am I in this relationship?) the how (How am I going to behave or treat the other person in this relationship?) and the what (What is my role in this relationship? What are my responsibilities?). All they know is to stutter, ask for favors and "enjoy" each other's company.
• Were you unfaithful, or were they? Did you start refusing to pick up their calls and to reply to their texts out of the blues? Or was it induced? What induced it? What induced your deep dislike for them until you two parted ways?
• Were they your fantasies at work, or was it real? (I wrote something about fantasies sometime back. Read it here.) Were you working on the relationship just as he/she was?
• Did you love them or was it an infatuation (lust)? Was it genuine or faked up?
• Did they build you up morally, emotionally and spiritually? Or were you a consolidation of sinful pretenders?
• But maybe your ex was such a mess and you just need to shed them off and move on. And by a mess I mean: manipulative, immature, uncaring, unforgiving, ungodly, unsaved, a serial liar, unfaithful... the list is endless.
• Were they stupid and petty things that broke you two up? And by stupid and petty I mean stupid and petty.

There are some things that you need to know though before I try to move on with what I am saying: 

Christianity does not advocate for dating (meeting random people for random reasons but with the possiblity of culturing a relationship) and/or break-ups in relationships. The Bible is straight-on when dealing with relationships: Don't awaken love before its time (Song of Solomon 8:4). It simply means that we should only get into relationships when "the time is right"; that is, when we are mature enough to handle them and the challenges they bring. God wants us to get into relationships when we are ready to, not "when we feel like we want to..."

Breakups and all these "ex factor" things are our own making. God wants us to get into relationships with the main aim being marriage, not "testing the waters because there are many fish in there, and you may not know which is the right one until you catch them one at a time..." The Bible wants us to embrace courtship, not dating. Why? Because courtship has friendship, openness, commitment and seriousness attached to it. There ain't not pettiness in courtship guys.

I have an ex. You may be having one too, but that is not God's idea of relationships, it is our own. I have an ex, and it is wrong. I used to pray for my girlfriend and about our relationship (just like every other saved boyfriend would do), but when the world came tumbling down (and people have been asking me what really went wrong), I swallowed it up and moved on. It was my fault - and I say this unregretfully. Am I going back with relation to the questions I have raised above? I don't know. God knows. That is why I don't bad-mouth people. There ain't no island called Morris. We are good friends with my ex for now. That is all. I am enjoying single-hood. I am. Yeah, I talked to God last August and made a resolution to remain single for the time being - for a period I don't know. I am okay with that. I bet God is.

What I have mentioned above is but an aid to help us make a decision based on wisdom and not on impulse, emotions or circumstances. If you think that your ex scores way above average on the above issues and that you can't start another relationship (for reasons known to yourself and to God), and that God is going to be involved in the relationship this time round, and that the relationship will hold the worth of a courtship, go on and make that call or write that text. Go on and give it a shot. You never know. 

But ask God about it first, you saved person. He may surprise you. Yeah, He may.

So, will you date or court your ex? Again?

You have the answer.

Bonface Morris.