Musings From My Birthday

Musings from my birthday

I don't know about you, but birthdays never really mattered to me in my early 20s. 

I used to think that people who fuss over birthdays are just being petty. Actually, I still feel that way but with a bit of salt because I have come to know people with all kinds of personalities; and I now understand why birthdays are a big deal to some and not that much of a big deal to others.

I'm older now, and I'm realizing that the older I grow, the more introspective I become. (Even so, the pettier I become.) And being introspective means having a self consciousness that never attempts to overlook my own pettiness. I have grown older, therefore I have grown pettier. And I have become more introverted than people really think I am. I only yap when I should. Isn't that what introverts do? (Haha)

I analyze statements, emotions, patterns, words, gestures, eye language, body language, silence, many words, few words, smirks... I don't overthink. No, I don't. I simply analyze. I analyze all kinds of stupid things in people. But mostly, I analyze if I really matter to them. I analyze because I want to understand people. I don't want to go around beating the air as far as people are concerned.

I analyze if I have impacted people's lives in these many years I have been in this world. I analyze my relationships. I analyze how the most important people in my life react to life changes and how they treat me in the different phases of life. I analyze how I make them feel. I analyze where their relationships with other people and with God seem to be going. 

Here is why I get deeper into the burden of understanding people and their life patterns: because, I somehow always have this Maya Angelou quote running at the back of my mind when I interact with people: "I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". 

Lemme say it again: people will never forget how you make them feel. 

I don't have to be perfect around people, I just have to make them feel something - something that will bring a change in their lives. That is my life goal.

I want it to be told that when I lived down here on earth, I at least managed to make people feel the following things:

1. Hatred

Yes. I want you to be able to hate something and hate it really well. Not to hate people, but to hate something. Hatred is the one emotion that changes everything. I want someone to be able to say, "Morris stirred up my heart to hate sex before marriage, to hate the devil, to hate sin, to hate being violent and inconsiderate, to hate being a naggard, to hate, hate and hate..."

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me hate the things that God hates."

2. Love

I want someone to arise and say, "Morris makes me feel loved and he shows me how to love people. He arouses within me the ability and passion to love. He makes me love God, love people, love the right things and love myself."

I want someone to face me and tell me: YOU TOUCH MY HEART. (Actually, someone I truly love woke up this morning and told me amongst many other beautiful words: YOU TOUCH THE HEARTS OF MANY.) 

I don't know how I touch people, but if I do touch, I hope I do touch their hearts to enable them to respond to God and to love and to be able to give it back to others.

Also, if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me love the things that God loves."

3. Included

I want people to have a feeling of inclusivity when they are around me. I want them to feel, "Morris won't leave me out of this, he's got my back. If he is there, we are all covered."

I want people to feel a sense of confidence when they think about me: to be sure of themselves. I want them to know deep down in their hearts that they are special. I don't want them to think, "Aahhh, what a selfish, egocentric, narcissistic prude!" but "Aaaah, what a selfless, generous and self-sacrificing friend."

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me to be considerate of others with the selflessness of Christ."

4. Happiness

Have I ever made you laugh? Laugh until the clouds turned into stars? Until the dark become a light before your eyes? I don't know about you, but I do make myself laugh. I am weird: so weird that I even laugh at myself.

I want it to be told that I cheer up a room. I want people to be proud that I'm coming, to expect to be happy. I want someone to say, to the glory of God, "Morris, please come. We need your laughter there. We need your laughter."

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me laugh. The joy of the Lord resides within you."

5. Think

I want to help people think. Think deeper, think wider and think with open minds. I want them to think about life down here and life through eternal eyes. 

I want them to think until they feel they are making the right choices. I want the feeling that comes out of their thoughts and choices to be a feeing of satisfaction and surety. I want it to be said of me, "Morris makes me think really hard about my life choices and where I am headed. He makes me reconsider my choices in life."

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me feel proud of the choices I made in my life in such and such an area and at such and such a time."

6. God

Forget about everything else I have just said, friends. Forget it all and just hold on to this one. This last one. Yes, this is more important than the rest. 

After all has been said and done, I want people to say of me, "He makes me feel God. He makes me draw closer to Jesus and sense His Holy Spirit. He makes me realize who I am in God." 

I want people to see, feel, touch, know, glorify, delight in, find satisfaction in, bless, magnify and acknowledge God through me. I am part of the body of Christ, so I want to help reveal Him to people. I want to be that kind of vessel that God uses to reach the masses for Himself. I don't want to be at the center of it all, I just want to be a conduit - a pathway that God uses to reach His people. That's my duty on earth, so help me God.

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a people to come to me, face me and tell me: "Morris, you make us see God, experience Him and know Him. May He bless you on our behalf." 

*******

People, don't tell these things to my grave, it won't hear you. Tell them to me right now, when I can hear it. And I know - oh yes, I know - that the same Spirit that kept Christ humble will keep me humble for the glory of God. Let us all be proud that God had a reason to bring me to your lives.

That's my legacy.

*******

PS: And whatever this blog post makes you feel, don't keep it to yourself. At least tell it to God. (Haha). 

Bonface Morris.

Stuff I Learned and Discovered Last Year (2016 Edition)

Stuff I learned from 2016

This is a summary of my journal entries from the year 2016 in point form. 2016 was a year of deep learning for me by the way. Feel free to pick quotes from these lessons: that's what  they are for anyway.

If you may be interested in more entries from previous years, read more on what I learned in 2013 here, in 2014 here and in 2015 here.

*******

Lessons on life and personal growth

1. Sometimes you stick in the same place for a while not because you don't want to grow, but because you want others to come to where you are. At such times, you only grow inward because growth on the outside will cause an imbalance. And you don't want that.

2. If you want to know something more about the character of a mother, look at her sons. Sons almost always replicate the mannerisms of their mothers. Almost always. 

I observed a few mother-son relationships and discovered this: a boy is almost always as good or as bad as his mother.

3. Probably, one of the worst things in the world is to have a useless voice; a voice that is always sidelined and neglected. A ghost voice.

People with ghost voices are very defensive; sometimes from within but mostly it is seen in how they decide to not follow and do things with the masses.

4. Don't waste time thinking too much and worrying about tomorrow's outcome that you have no control over; instead, enjoy and work out today to your level best. At least when tomorrow comes, you'll be proud that you did your best today.

5. In 2016, I came to appreciate the importance of hard cover books; not fully though. They came in handy when power blackouts came about.

6. Everyone has an opinion on everything. Even silence, in and of itself, is an opinion.

7. You choose who to befriend. You choose who to propose to. You choose who to marry. It's your choice. The only thing you don't choose is when you'll die.

8. It seems everyone wants to be part of a great story, but very few are ready to be part of the making of that story. Always remember this: that every great thing you see took time and effort.

9. War always precedes greatness.

10. Here is the one single advice I'd give to this generation (both the young and old): listen first, react later.

11. Always know when to give up on an argument or discussion because some people just won't lose - even after realizing they are wrong.

12. Make friends with elderly people: both men and women. Tap from their wisdom on life, family and investment. It may be the best free advice you can ever receive in your whole petty life.

13. Be content with the fact that not everyone will agree with you, no matter how smart you are.

14. This is how scary wisdom has become: for every smart thing you're going to say in this world, always know that there's someone somewhere who knows a little more than you do but they have chosen to say nothing about it.

15. "Online" is now a real place: with buildings, with people, with personalities, with relationships, with cars, with jobs, with churches, with feelings, with clubs, with malls, with roads, with homes, with playgrounds... Online is a place.

16. And don't compare yourself to other people because there will always be someone who is better than you. Appreciate yourself as the best of yourself. That always works.

17. There is now the emergence of something I call "soft pride" where someone agrees that what you're telling them is the right and true thing to do but decide to do against it because they - as individuals or in the present culture they live in - think it doesn't apply to them. 

18. There are days when life requires that you simply stand still, days when you walk, days when you go sprinting, then days when life throws you in for a marathon. Never mix them up.

19. Listening to eBooks by converting them to audiobooks using a Windows Software called Balabolka happened to me last year. It made my ebook-reading life so sweet.

20. Always discern the difference between people respecting you and fearing you, between people envying you and refusing to give you support.

21. This generation is so excited about #Hashtags as if they are THE SOLUTION. They are not THE SOLUTION. They may be part of the solution, but they are not THE solution.

22. That one thing we fail at most but which is required almost everywhere, by everyone and in everything, is consistency. We lack discipline, and that is a problem.

23. The more open-minded you are, the less you judge. I wrote something on open-mindedness here.

Lessons on relationships, family and marriage

1. Relationships do not survive on love. Relationships survive on friendship, on mutual agreement and on trust. Love isn't overrated, but its role is to complement these three (friendship, mutual agreement and trust) and to ensure they smoothly work in unison.

2. I learned that most people don't talk about the real issues in relationships: finances, sex, faithfulness, work, ministry etc. They don't take real steps towards change because they think they'll change once they're married. This is one of the biggest misconceptions about marriage.

3. If you're single and you happen to meet a saved lady or guy that understands what contentment is, don't let her go before you make her yours. It's hard nowadays to get a person that isn't a gold digger, saved or not. 

4. Treat every date you have with your girlfriend as if it's your first date.

5. Things are not what they seem. Campus students, parents, Christians and everyone else should always remember this. Get the details first before making noise about something or fully appreciating anything.

6. If love to you means spending a lot of money, then you have not known love.

Lessons on leadership

1. The level of our commitment is shown in our consistency, not in our good words.

2. Greatness is when you ask for help even when you think you don't need it.

3. I sat down and wrote two constitutions for different groups I lead in church: the Youth and the Worship Team. It proved quite exhausting but it is becoming very key in bringing the change we all desire.

4. Reasonable millennials desire authenticity more than they crave "coolness". Always know that. 

PS: I actually wrote a blog about this here.

5. Never underestimate the intelligence of your readers and listeners.

6. A leader should never expect those under him/her to pursue a vision that the leader is not into; unless that leader is only a leader by title and not by action.

7. As a leader you need to learn to respect people's decisions, whether good or bad.

8. As a leader, be a person of your word. Be the first one to be faithfully committed to the words you say. People only trust people who do what they say they will do.

9. People follow the momentum given by the leader. When he/she says that they can't, it's almost true that the whole team can't.

10. As a leader, learn to face the outcome of your decisions whether good or bad.

11. Ideas are great; but ideas without an actionable plan, they are just wishful thinking.

12. I am a horrible counselor, but I can make a good coach. Why? Because I am too action-oriented. Just sitting around listening to someone without offering direction feels offensive to me. 

13. Have nothing to do with people who think that you can't slay giants. You are made for more.

14. Leadership within meetings is a one-sided kind of leadership. Very ineffective.

15. If someone else can do it, please allow them to do it.

And then there was a whole blog on what I have learned in leadership in the past 10 years. read it here.

Lessons on Christian living

1. The tragedy is not knowing Scripture. No. The tragedy within most of us Christians today is resolving to speak out Scripture only in order to sound "spiritual". We actually don't believe what it is saying. That's the tragedy. We argue with God because we think His ideas are outdated. That's the tragedy.

2. I've realized one thing in my walk with God: that in order to mesmerize us, He has a habit of coming in full force to help us just after we have given up on ourselves.

3. I discovered that people's understanding of the Christian life and how it should be lived is messed up. People excuse quite a number of things, including; sex before marriage, worrying, lack of faith, conforming to the world e.t.c.

4. People want perfection, God wants brokenness; people want to give you praise, God wants to make you whole. Notice the difference.

5. God and man may give you advice/counsel, (which you may choose to accept or reject), but it has always been and it will always be your choice.

6. The past will always haunt us. It is therefore our responsibility to make today a better past for tomorrow; so that whatever will haunt us tomorrow from today will be good memories, a stable and praiseworthy foundation and a life lived for the glory of God.

7. God is always in a good mood.

8. The problem today is not that there are no answers in life; the problem is that we give up so fast. We give up so fast on almost everything: on God, on friends, on family, on people, on systems, on our relationships and marriages, on life... we give up so fast. That's the problem.

Various quotes from books, podcasts, movies, TV shows, sermons and various web articles
1. God does not drive an ambulance - Pastor Matt Chandler.

2. Being a leader is not about being perfect, it's about weathering a storm and carrying on - 

from The Last Ship (TV Show), Season 2 Episode 9.

3. Sometimes saving one life - if it's the right life - is enough - 

from Person of Interest (TV Show), Season 5 Episode 13.

4. There are 3 words you should drop from your leadership vocabulary starting now: someone, something and someday. Read more here. 

5. A woman that can be bought isn't worth having. - 

from Marvel's Daredevil (TV Show), Season 1 Episode 4.

6. Instagram leads to depression - Pastor Matt Chandler.

7. Dating without the intent of getting married is like going to the grocery store with no money. You either leave unsatisfied or you take something that isn’t yours - Jefferson Bethke.

8. I picked up a number of quotes from an interview Perry Noble (a pastor) had with Mark Driscoll (Google him if you don't know him - that's one pastor who knows how to bounce back!). Here are the quotes:
(a) In this internet age, communication has become instant, constant, global and permanent.
(b) There are three kinds of people leaders deal with: wise (are teachable and learn from their mistakes), foolish (these just want to argue and shift blames) and evil (they just want to hurt you.)
(c) The fruit of a good theology is love. A good theology results in loving relationships. 

9. As you search for the truth about God, understand that it's best to deal with the subject of sin before you deal with the subject of prayer. When you ask God to forgive you for the things you've done, your sin will no longer be a barrier in your relationship with Him. 

- from my Devotionals. 

10. Atheism is not an ignorance problem but a preference problem: preferring self to God - John Piper. 

11. In the end, our success is not about us, it's all about God. You take Him out of the equation, you got nothing - Hillsong UNITED's Joel Houston in an interview about their movie "Hillsong - Let Hope Rise".

12. Consistency separates winners from wannabes, and diligence makes the difference between all-time greats and one-hit wonders - Pastor Steven Furtick.

13. Quotes from Elevation Church's #CodeOrangeRevival 2016: 

(a) There is a sound for revival and there is a rhythm for revival, but the time of revival is NOW - Christine Caine.

(b) Revival is when God shows me who I am today and besides that, He also unleashes the picture of me after an extraordinary encounter with Him, and asks me, "Hey, which one do you wanna be?"

(c) God can do the impossible, and He often calls us to do the impractical. - Levi Lusko. 

(d) Evidently, our world glorifies the finished product, but God glorifies the process. - Carl Lent (Senior Pastor, Hillsong New York).

(e) Do not focus on the platform, focus on faithfulness. If it is God’s plan for your life, allow Him to bring you the platform. And because your focus has always been on faithfulness, this will then sustain your platform. 

(f) It is impossible to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature - Peter Scazzero

14. I date music, but I'm married to worship - Travis Greene. 

15. The four pillars that lead to ministry success are; (a) don't focus on growing the church, focus on growing people, (b) character and integrity (not charisma) (c) humility and (d) generosity - 

from an interview between Rick Warren and Justin Blaney (founder of Innovate 4 Jesus.)

16. Yes, God is for us; but ultimately, God is for God - Pastor Matt Chandler. 

17. Ladies, imagine your future sons turning out like your boyfriend. If that thought makes you cringe, you should probably break up - Jefferson Bethke.

18. We are not waiting for the move of God, we are the move of God - Pastor Steven Furtick.

19. At the center of our anxiety is our pride - Pastor Steven Furtick. 

20. If you cannot be honest with yourself, how can you get the truth out of anyone else? - 

from Quantico (TV Show).

21. You will never know your capacity, how far you can go, until you accept a challenge - Pastor Steven Furtick.

22. Your freedom affects more than just you - Cameron McAllister, RZIM.

23. The idea of love in the absence of truth is meaningless - Michael Ramsden, RZIM. 

24. Quotes from LEADING YOUNG (a leadership hard cover book by one Gibson Anduvate): your leadership will be determined by what motivates your decisions. If you want to be the kind of leader who wields true life-giving influence, you must choose to serve... and... many aspire to leadership but few have what it takes. The younger generation of leaders is looking for role models and mentors but they are few and hard to come across. 

Bonface Morris.

God is for GOD

God is for GOD

God is for Himself, there is no doubt about that,
The way He weaves our lives and the way He makes things work out in the universe,
The way He churns His thoughts and reveals His plans,
The way He rows our boats and toasts our plans,
He is for Himself,
God is for GOD.

I know you're asking, "I thought it is written that God is for us, how is He again for Himself?"
And I know you want me to make you understand how He does things only for Himself
I'll show you...
He is not selfish, that is not what or who He is,
He is not self-seeking, that is not what or who He is,
He isn't even manipulative or conceited or dead to the thoughts and desires of men who seek Him,
If He was those things, we would still be dead in our sins;
If He was those things, we would still be wallowing in the pitiful state of our failures,
So ultimately, though He may be for us, in the end, He is for Himself.

When you see the waves of the sea turning your life around,
And you see the fires of the world roaring with a sound,
When you see your failures as a way to turn your eye and ear to Him,
And you see every challenge turning you closer to Him,
Know that that is the hand of God,
Know that this is how He wants you for Himself,
Know that you cannot escape the moments when He is harvesting glory from within your waves and fires... for Himself...
Know that God is for GOD.

You may never understand why He squeezes you so much,
And you may never understand why by doing so He claims to love you too much:
Much more than He loves Himself - by dying for you.
Even in so doing, He is still for Himself...
God is for Himself.
He wants you better,
He wants you bolder,
He wants you more confident,
He wants you purer,
He wants you devoted to Him,
And above all, He wants all these for you, and you for Himself,
He wants you for Himself,
So, yes, God is for GOD.

When you see Him weave things to make you happy,
You may think, "Aaaah, the LORD surely seeks to satisfy me with joy."
That is true, and good, and beautiful;
But you are wrong when you think that way.
Instead you should think of it this way: "He is making my joy full for the glory of His Name."
When you're joyful and satisfied, His glory is revealed.
When you have it all going well for you, His abundance is revealed.
He is trying to tell you, "It's for the revelation of my glory that I am doing all these things: it is for glory of My Name. It is all about Me."

God is for GOD, never doubt that.
That is why bad things happen to good people so that in the end, after He comes through, we may praise His Name;
He is for Himself.
That is why good things happen to bad people, so that after their eyes are opened and they see it is Him, they may glorify His Name;
He is for Himself.
That is why prayers are delayed and answers and modified,
That is why waiting for Him to do stuff for you is uncomfortable - it is very uncomfortable to wait on Him while thinking that He is doing things for you;
No, God is for Himself, and He won't do anything for you unless it is for Him, unless it is for His glory. Understand that.

That is why things don't always turn out the way you would want them to,
And we always seem to see a small distance past our eyes;
That is why we should all shut up when we don't understand what He is doing with our lives.
That is why our prayers should be more like this:

"Lord, we know Your thoughts are higher than our own,
Your plans for us we cannot fathom,
We know our pains and suffering keep lying to to us that You don't care,
But deep within we know that You do,
We know that in Your plan - Your perfect plan which we have no idea about -
You have beautiful things for us.
Please close our minds and hearts from thinking that life is all about us, what we want, what we would want and what we would want to want,
But that it is all about You and what You want,
Let Your will be done.
In Your Name, Amen"

And sometimes when we are pressed on every side, we should also pray this way:

"Lord, when we are poor, and sickly and needy
Isn't that a disgrace to Your Holy Name because we are Your people?
What will the people of the nations think of You when they see us,
Considering that we are called by Your Name?
They will say, "See!! Their God is weak and useless and uncaring
Their God is a liar and He left them."
Lord, when they say such things concerning Your Name and Your character, they are not true. You are not like that, or are You?
So prove them wrong Lord, prove them wrong.
Come with power, not to only save us wicked and evil people
But to protect the fame and the glory of Your Name
In Your Name, Amen."

When we pray that way,
When we say, "We are Your people... called by Your Name." 
And when we say "Let Your will be done,"
All we are saying this:
Ultimately, after all has been said and done,
And our lives were lived for the glory of our God,
And for the fame of His Holy Name,
We realise that it was all about Him.
Our desires, our aching, our prayers, our service, our devotion...
It was all for Him.
We did it all for God, He did it all for us, but it was all for Himself.
So let all praises and glory and honor be to His Holy Name.
We were waiting for Him, yes 
And He did it for us, yes 
But it was all about Him.
Ultimately, God was, is and will be for GOD.
Amen.


Bonface Morris.

Relationships: Unraveling Unconditional Love

Relationships: unraveling unconditional love

Whenever I hear someone say, "I want a relationship where someone will love me unconditionally", what I always seem to hear is this: I want a relationship where I'll remain unchanged as a being, where I'll make no effort to know and please the other person and where I'll continue being self-centered and uncaring.

In summary, all I hear when someone says they want a relationship (or marriage for that matter) where they will be loved unconditionally, I understand them as needing a relationship where they will remain being single.

Well, after saying this, it seems that I've already taken a stand as far as unconditional love is concerned. Judge for yourself from what I say below...

*******
What is unconditional love?
It is love without expectations.
It is defined as caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves.
Whether this is achievable or not, I'm still yet to understand. Here is what I am saying: I don't know if it is possible for one person to love and care about the happiness of another person without any thought for what they might get in return.

The Bible, God and unconditional love
First and foremost, the Bible reiterates that God is love and love is God: to know God is to know true love. Thus God becomes the best definer, definition and embodiment of love.

Having said that, the Bible shows God's unconditional love (unconditional in case being that we can't earn it) in this manner; look at the following Bible passages:
John 3:16 (NIV) "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son,  that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."
Ephesians 2:8-9 (NIV) 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.
Romans 3:23-24 (NIV) 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

In these Biblical passages;
(a) God is shown to love the world in its sinfulness. He did this by paying for the world's redemption Himself: the world hasn't paid for and cannot pay for God's love and gift because it is free. He gives it free of charge to anyone who would care to receive it.
(b) Salvation is free, it is not earned and that our good deeds do not help earn it so we cannot boast about it. This is where God's unconditional love comes in: that He loves us without requiring anything in return (for payment.)
(c) Our sinfulness is a testimony that we have nothing to give to God in order to remit (or take away) our guilt of sin. Therefore through something called grace (an undeserved favor from God), He extends His mercy and forgiveness to us for free.

Now, after showing us that God's love is free, the next best question to ask is this: is it unconditional? Does God "care about our happiness without any thought for what He might get for Himself in return"? I'll give us a "Yes" and "No" answer, meaning that it goes both ways.

Yes because we truly have nothing of our own to offer God to appease or please Him in exchange for His love. Everything we have belongs to him (Psalms 24:1), thus we would only be giving Him out of the abundance that comes from Him as a gift to us... And even if we would have something to offer, our sin-stained hands and hearts wouldn't be worthy of His holy presence.

And "No" because our works after salvation show that although His love is unconditional and free, the best way to appreciate it is through doing the very thing He did for us to others. Our acts of thanksgiving and appreciation as directed by His Word bring Him glory, thus making it a condition in the way we express love towards Him and others. See the following verses:-

James 2:17 (NIV) "In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
1 John 3:10, 16 (NIV) 10 This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother. 16 This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.

In the two passages, we notice something: that a deep faith in God is best proven by acts of love, and love is only made evident through various noticeable actions to God and those around us. Which therefore means love has conditions: IF someone does not love his brother or lay down his life for his brother, he is not a child of God. Love demands certain actions in order to be evident. Faith, when not accompanied by action is dead. Or we can put it this way: IF faith is not accompanied by actions that show it exists, it is not faith at all.

Side note: In John Chapter 4, worship has conditions too: if we have to claim to worship God, we need to do it in spirit and in truth. IF worship is not done in spirit and in truth, then it's either false worship or no worship at all. That's a condition.

So in this case, there are conditions when showing love to both God and fellow men. In order for love to be proved and tested to be true love, it should be patient, kind, it should not envy, it should not boast, it should not be proud, it should not be rude, it should not be self-seeking, it should not be easily angered, it should not keep a record of wrongs, it should not delight in evil but rejoice with the truth, it should always protect, always trust, always hope, always persevere and never fail. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, NIV).

Now, please pause and show me one person who doesn't expect the other person to love them in the way I have shown us above and I'll show you the one person who loves unconditionally.

Differences between the love of God and the love of men
Here are the key differences between God's love and man's love:
(a) God loves us just because He loves us but mankind loves because of a thing or two; man loves with expectations.
(b) Nothing stops God from loving us, no matter what we do or say, but man's love may cease when we stop doing things that speak to their love language.
(c) God defines love because He is love; man, in his weaknesses, is always learning how to love the way God loves.

Nevertheless, God loves us unconditionally but it does not end there, He expects us to love Him back - and there are conditions on how this should be done (as I have listed above).

Does the Bible demand that Christians love unconditionally?
Yes and No.
Jesus says, "Give and do not expect back" (Luke 6:32-35) This is at the very center of Christianity. Even the Golden Rule states almost the same thing: "love your neighbor as you love yourself." We are expected to give, love, live, serve and do everything without expecting anything in return because that is what we would want others to do for us.

But... We should also look at it this way...

Suppose two Christians are relating or are friends and each one of them is following the Golden Rule (love your neighbor as yourself), isn't it true that one expects the other to do as our Lord has instructed us, thus fulfilling the conditions of love without actually speaking it out?

When we reciprocate love, the conditions of love are met. And here are the conditions: true love is when you love another person like you love yourself or if you love your neighbor as yourself or yet still, if you do to others the very things you would love done to you, then that's true love. That is the condition of love: to love others as we love ourselves.
Therefore, love is not unconditional, so to say.

Where does the notion of unconditional love come from then?
I think the concept of unconditional love is a good concept birthed by God in His Word but it has been popularized and skewed by our present culture which is full of people who want to receive things but give nothing back. It is a culture filled with narcissism. People want too much but they don't want others to expect anything from them. And we always seem to do the same to God: we want Him to love us unconditionally, but we are not ready to commit and obey what He says.

How then do we train ourselves to love unconditionally?
Because love that is unconditional is something we grow into gradually, we should use Scripture to help see the manner in which we ought to love;
1. Love by carrying each other's burdens...
Galatians 6:2 (NIV) "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."
2. Love by and having mercy upon each other and tolerating one another.
Jude 1:22 (NIV) "Be merciful to those who doubt."
3. Love by praying for one another.
James 5:16 (NIV) "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
4. Love by thinking of others to be better than ourselves.
Philippians 2:3 (NIV) "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in hhumility, value others above yourselves."
5. Practice open-mindedness and embrace emotional maturity. Read more about open-mindedness here and about emotional maturity here. 

Conclusion
On God's love...
1. God's love is free, but His love language makes demands out of His followers. There is a way He expects them to act and behave if they have to be loving in the right way. The demands are in God's law and His Holy Spirit which He freely gives to all that accept Him. 
2. We give nothing to deserve God's love, but we have a lot to do in order to show we have received it and it's now filling us. And when we don't do as God tells us, we have not loved as He expects us to love.
3. There are no conditions to receiving God's love, but there are conditions on how to use it and experience it.
4. Unconditional love is the most perfect form of love towards which God wants us to grow. No human being has presently achieved that level of perfection in love, but we are all growing towards it.

On man's love...
1. Man's love language makes demands on what he/she expects from the other person as far as love and actions are concerned. The demands of man's love include sacrifice, commitment, affection, compliments, faithfulness, respect and support. We give nothing to receive someone's love but we have a responsibility to show them we appreciate that they love us through these various actions. 
2. When something is expected of us by fellow human beings as an act of love and we don't give it as we should, then we have not loved that person the way they deserve to be loved. 
3. There are conditions on how we receive man's love (that's why we cannot fall in love with all people at the same time) and there are also conditions on how we exhibit it. 
4. Unconditional love should not be an ultimatum, but a process. When we make it an ultimatum as far as people are concerned, we should also be ready to give out love unconditionally. 
5. Instead of people saying that they need a relationship where someone would love them unconditionally, they should instead say that they need someone who wouldn't judge them wrongly or according to their mistakes and the choices they make or have made. I think they should concentrate more on unconditional acceptance than they concentrate on unconditional love. 

Bonface Morris.

Facts About Masturbation and How to Overcome It

PS: I am saying it as it is on this one as I always do, so please bear with me if you feel offended.

How to overcome masturbation.

What is masturbation?

Masturbation is the act of “touching one’s own body, including sex organs for sexual pleasure”.

It is an addiction: just like of drugs, sex, pornography etc. that involves someone using their own body parts or sex objects to achieve sexual pleasure.

Is masturbation wrong for a Christian?

Yes, masturbation is a sin.

Side note: Some counselling psychologists argue that masturbation is beneficial to the victim’s health but this is only trying to mask its real effects to concerned parties and to God as I will show below.

Why is masturbation a sin?

Reason Number One: Because it defiles the definition of sexual gratification and sexual engagement as stated by God within and outside marriage.

First of all, God intends, has always intended and will always want sex to be between a man and a woman who are married in holy matrimony. Thus anything that brings satisfaction to a married couple that is not his or her partner becomes sinful. Masturbation is one of them. A married couple that masturbates is being unfaithful both to God and to their partner.

Second, when a married couple masturbates, it is an act of selfishness. They are denying each other what God has prescribed in His Word that they should share. Read this:

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (ESV) 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Reason Number Two: Because it masters over someone and becomes an idol to them.

Anything (whether good or bad) that takes rule over a Christian's life that is not God Himself is an idol. And idolatry is sin.

1 Corinthians 6:12 (ESV) “All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be dominated by anything.

And

1Thessalonians 4:3-8 (ESV) “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.”

Reason Number Three: It is a form of sexual immorality because someone is having sex with themselves outside the prescription given by God.

The act of masturbation is also a sin against one's own body: using the body selfishly for one’s own personal gain. Our bodies were bought at a price, thus they are to be used to glorify God, not ourselves. As part of THE BODY of Christ, we no longer belong to ourselves but to Christ who has bought and redeemed us:

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (ESV) “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.”

Who are the people that are highly susceptible to masturbation?

Anyone can fall victim to masturbation. It happens to both male and female. This includes; Christians (church leaders, church members, pastors etc.), non-Christians, children, youth, young adults, the married, old people. Everyone.

There are three most vulnerable groups in Christian circles though;

(a)  Christian youth who are struggling to abstain from sex before marriage. They may be fooled into using it to overcome the sexual pressure that builds up in them while avoiding sex before marriage. (This is an issue that needs another blog altogether.)

(b)  People that have/had been sexually active before i.e. partners in divorce, separated couples, couples whose loved ones are not close to them anymore, traveling couples that are away from their partners for long periods of time, couples with ailing partners etc.

(c)  Anyone who is not filtering/guarding what their eyes see, what their ears hear, what their mouths speak, what their minds think, what their eyes read, and what their bodies feel.

What are some of the effects of masturbation?

1.    Feelings of guilt, shame, self-pity and fear. These feelings escalate and even hinder us from talking to God and talking to our friends. Because talk on sexual matters is mostly taboo in many cultures, people become depressed, backslide and can even commit suicide.

2.    Increase in selfishness due to preference for self-gratification.

3.    Reduced sex drive in couples because one or both of them have “another way out.”

4.    Increased use of pornography, pornographic material or erotic stuffs which leads to submission to other addictions/idols.

Can someone overcome masturbation as an addiction?

Yes. This can be achieved through commitment to a pattern of life that will ensure the person is not exposed to things that trigger masturbation, through counselling, through accountability to another person and through prayer and God's guidance.

How would you help someone who is addicted to masturbation?

As we have mentioned above, masturbation requires a high level of commitment in order to stop it.

Side note: Allow me to add that the support from God and the Christian community to a Christian who wants to overcome masturbation will make them stronger and better placed to overcome it than any other people group. And please, fellow Christians, don't go out there spreading gossip about a fellow Christian that has confessed this sin in your midst, or to you as an individual. You'll be becoming a disgrace to THE BODY of Christ and the Lord will punish you for that. As you help a fellow Christian overcome this addiction, treat them the way these verses state:

Jude 1:20-23 (ESV) “But you, beloved, building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life. And have mercy on those who doubt; save others by snatching them out of the fire; to others show mercy with fear, hating even the garment stained by the flesh”

and

Galatians 6:1 (ESV) “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.

Here are my five steps towards overcoming masturbation:

1.    Confession and acceptance of status.

The affected person should come out in the open (either to his/her own self or to a group of trusted friends) and confess that masturbation is sin, it is affecting them personally, it is affecting other people and that they need help.

2.    Identification of triggers or causes of the addiction.

Every addiction (including masturbation) has a trigger hence identifying what causes this state of things will help the victim know exactly what needs to be stopped, when, how and where. Triggers are things or people or places that leave the victim highly vulnerable to the pressure of sexual desires and wanting instant satisfaction. The victim should identify them. They include (but are not limited to):

(a)  Watching pornography (real pornography, virtual pornography, using sex toys, having in possession any sexual or sexually suggestive photos or videos etc.)

(b)  Use of or possessing sexually suggestive material (romantic movies, novels, playing erotic games etc.)

(c)  Following people on Social Media (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and WhatsApp) or blogs or video channels that post sexually suggestive material.

(d)  Being close to a lady or a guy that causes the victim to desire sexual gratification from their object of pleasure.

(e)  Sexting (sending sexually suggestive messages to another person via SMS or email).

3.    After identifying the triggers, they should work on either eliminating the triggers or killing them. (This is a picture of “hacking the Amalekites to pieces” in the Biblical Old Testament story of King Saul).

The best thing to do is to find something or an activity to replace the trigger but one which will not eventually become an addiction itself. Jesus once said:  

Matthew 5:29-30 (ESV) “If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.”  

Mark His Words. He says that the victim to any addiction (including masturbation) may need to go to unthinkable extremes to hack it to pieces. These comprise; going back to using a feature phone (if the smartphone is the bringer of evil), using search filters while performing internet searches (Google can always help them do this, and there are apps in the App Store and Play Store that can be helpful for this), using network/website filters so that seach results with explicit content will not appear when they make internet searches, lending out their laptop for six months (or probably until they are persuaded that they are in good condition not to be deceived into having explicit material on it again), burn books, delete so-called favorite songs, videos or photos, put to flames CDs and DVDs with such material, change friends, change places they hang out... in order to get out of that addiction.

4.    Seeking spiritual help (and professional help if necessary) as they go through the whole process of change.  

Here, they'll need someone to stand with them in prayer and in counselling. This should be someone who will be available to offer spiritual/Scriptural strength and companionship to the victim so that they may not be killed by another close enemy: doubt of self, guilt, shame, fear or self-pity.

5.    Getting an accountability partner.

An accountability partner may not necessarily be a prayer partner as mentioned above but just a person the victim can fully confide in. This partner will help them go through the healing process step by step until recovery. It can be achieved through the accountability partner asking direct and intentional questions like:

"How are you doing so far?"

"Which step is harder to take and how can I help?"

"Have you been tempted to watch/buy/use such-and-such a thing of late?"

"Are you committed to this course? If not, where are you failing and how can I help?"

"Are you changing for yourself, for another person or for God?"

They should also be a source of strength and encourgement to the victim as they progress towards total deliverance.

Here is my conclusion on this matter;

1. Anyone can overcome masturbation. It just requires two things: determination (both in God and self) and a good support system.
2. People - especially Christians - should not judge victims of masturbation once they open up to them. If someone trusts you enough to tell you about a sin they're struggling with, please become a confidant, not the devil (an accuser).
3. The church should never assume that masturbation is not real within its walls. If the Spirit of God would help us see just how many are struggling with it, it would be one thing we never cease to pray about and against.
4. The struggle against sin is real in every individual. Masturbation is just one of them.

I pray that any and every victim of musturbation will find healing and restoration because I have been there myself and I found healing.

Bonface Morris.

Leadership and Mentorship: Why Do People REALLY Leave Teams?

Well, to answer the question above, sincerely, I don’t know. Each case is different and unique at many levels. But I do have an idea and I am sharing it with you below.

*******

Leaders deal with this issue of quitting members all the time. Imagine a leader in some kind of monologue:

“Phew! Why did so-and-so REALLY leave? Was it my mistake? Was I a bad leader to them? Am I a bad leader? Will my “bad” leadership therefore lead to more and more of these that are remaining to leave too? What if (insert name of a member of the team that TOTALLY got the leader’s back) left too? Oh LORD, I would die… Please just take me HOME already, this is too much…”

And the story goes on and on and on…

When members leave, it is always a source of stress and a season of endless self-scrutiny to the leader.

In my tiny capacity as a leader, I've had quite a number of leaders complaining about people quitting their teams. Of course every leader takes it personally when a member of his/her team leaves:

"Did I do something wrong?"

"Was it the right decision to be made at that time? Am I this unbelievably bad that they can’t trust me to lead them anymore?”

“Can they please (just please, yes, please) drop me an email or a WhatsApp or a text message [sic!] or anything and state the reason/s why they left?”

Some of us have a tendency of becoming temperamental in the heat of the moment and end up yelling at the remaining members of the team: "You can as well leave! I won't hold you back!! So-and-so went because this wasn't their place, they weren't important to our mission!!"

And as the matter becomes frothy - thanks to pride - we end up not apologizing for the unintended yelling. As a result, more people leave. And the cycle continues: it adapts an auto-repeat status which in due course leaves the leader running solo. Pride is such an evil master!

And those who remain, albeit unwillingly, keep on asking themselves, "So someone existed on our team who was not important to its mission?" And sarcastically, the next time the team meets, the leader, while still squirming and soaking in the bad blood of yester days, would unknowingly answer back and say, "Yeah, I feel the Lord is taking away the weight that was weighing us down."

But realistically speaking, the rest of the team would inherently figure out it, shake their heads in private and conclude that it has never occurred to them that they could have had on their team (or if you please, the Lord would allow on their team) someone who was not supposed to be there. Life is not a game of betting and chances. That person served a purpose, and because they are now gone, they’ll be missed. It may be dumb, but it’s still a purpose.

“On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable.” (1 Corinthians 12:22, NIV)

*******

So after weighing in on the kind of relationships that are birthed between the leader and the remaining members of the team after other members have left (like the one above), I came up with a few things that cause people to leave teams. This isn’t conclusive, but it is a good place begin.  

People leave teams because of a few things:

1.    Bad or poor leadership

Poor leadership would mean anything from a leader that doesn’t know how to lead and handle people to one who keeps on forgetting what he/she should be doing as a leader in the first place. I am a victim of both quite a number of times (so help me LORD).

Here is the reality;

a)    When a leader leaves his/her team feeling eroded instead of growing up and feeling burnout instead of refreshed, it is because the leader has neglected their duty of adding value into the team’s life. Most growth-oriented people will not hesitate to leave if left in this position for sometime.

b)    When the leader is not valuing an individual’s input to the team and this member feels that there might be another [better] place where their input may be felt and appreciated, they’ll leave. Leaders that are so mean with words of affirmation or praise will always face this reality in the long run.

c)    An arrogant leader who doesn't value team work and sees no need to seek for feedback from the team while making important team decisions will always lose people. Always. People want openness, so if they are not getting it, they won’t stick around for long.

d)    Team members will always quit a team where the leader is abusive and divisive either in the use of power or in the execution of rights.

A bad leader is abusive and divisive either in the use of power or in the execution of rights.

e)    Vision hungry team members will leave a team where the leader lacks a straightforward vision for the team and where the leader provides no definite strategies towards running the team’s mission (if present). A team that keeps moving in circles can’t survive the steam of an ever-changing sub-culture.

f)     When the team’s vision no longer serves to help team members reach and fulfill their life goals as far as service is concerned, members will lack zeal and they’ll drop away.

g)    Members of a team whose strength is action (the desire and ability to act on things and execute plans without delay) will always feel discontented with a leader who refuses or eternally delays to take action to stop things or issues that are threatening the team's ethics and unity i.e. gossip, the welfare of members etc.

h)    A leader who refuses to take responsibility for his/her own failures (like the one I gave in the example above) but either keeps blaming innocent members for his/her own failures or pretends that nothing is wrong when everything is falling apart will lose as many members as there are sands on the shores of the Indian Ocean. Just the other week, Andy Stanley (one leader whom I greatly admire and respect) had to give an apology for a statement he made about small churches. He owned his mistake, and it helped him gain our trust again.

i)     When the leader is a coward who cannot take risks to move the team into a better place or to new ground, he/she loses the trust of the members. No one wants to trust someone who is only comfortable with where they are and does not show signs of moving forward.

2.    Carnality or immaturity

A carnal person is jumpy. Spiritual toddlers are never settled in the same place. They will always move out regardless of the type of leadership in a place (whether good or bad). These people are easily persuaded by the devil to leave teams and it therefore becomes a spiritual battle for the leader. Leaders shouldn’t blame themselves for people who refuse to grow, yet threaten to leave.

3.    The devil is at work

Remember what he did to Judas Iscariot in Jesus' day? Jesus was a great leader, but Satan convinced one of the closest members in His team (Judas) to sell lies about what Jesus’ ministry was all about. Judas left, Jesus suffered rejection (which is very common amongst leaders today), Jesus’ team got divided and shriveled for a while and probably everyone thought, “Aaah, this is done! He was just like every other useless leader we see!!” But thank God that, later, Judas’ lies were exposed, Jesus’ reputation as a leader remained intact and His team came back with a bang! With the intervention of God, Satan’s lies will always be exposed and God’s work will go on.

Matthew 16:18 (KJV) “…and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.”

Gossip is one of the major sources of division/s and lack of trust in a team.

The devil may also cause influential members of a team to spread stale, unverified, inappropriate and [sometimes] dirty rumors/gossip about the leader or about each other that will end up harming the team's spirit of unity and purpose. This will cause the bond of unity between the leader and the rest of the team members to weaken, making many members to leave, or causing divisions within the team. It is all the devil’s work.

His work can also step in further and cause members of a team to start undermining the leader’s ability to lead. They may do this openly or in public when al the team members are present. Eventually, they may end up taking over the leadership or unlawfully expelling the leader out of the team.

*******

You now realize that not all people leave teams for the same reasons. Some are genuine, while others are diabolic. The leader needs to sit down, analyze himself/herself and those under him/her and find out the causes of the vanishing team members.

Any team member is justified to leave a team because of the reasons in Point Number 1 above. Anyone who is haphazard in decision-making won't stay in such a team. Also, why stick with a team which isn't going anywhere and one which lacks a sense of direction? But for the second and third reasons above, the leader needs to understand that he's facing a spiritual battle and that "...we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places" (Ephesians 6:12, ESV) and therefore, the leader should pick up their armor and fight the good fight of faith and allow God to win the war for him.

Bonface Morris.