Relationships: Is There Lust in Your Relationship? This May Help.

There are things we Christians in relationships and marriages rarely talk about yet they are the very things that are at the root of breakups and divorces. One of them is lust.

Is lust giving you sleepless nights?

Dictionary.com defines lust as "an intense sexual desire or appetite"

As far as we know, it comes in two forms:

1. Lusting over your boyfriend/girlfriend.
2. Lusting over another person that you're not in a relationship with (whether single or married).

This has sent us thinking: how many saved people (both married and unmarried) will say they have never struggled with lust? Two percent? One percent? None!?

Here is a small illustration we'll use: if you read Judges 1:28-36, you'll realize that the Israelite tribes conquered the promised land but did not completely chase out the Canaanites. They experienced partial victory. That was not God’s plan for them, it is something they decided for themselves and which they became comfortable with.

We think it's the same thing most of us in relationships do with lust: we conquer it partially, become comfortable around it, and allow it to keep on living in us. In this way, lust keeps waiting to erupt at any time when given chance. The sexual desires trap us and make us helpless leaving us VERY vulnerable to sexual sin. 

Because of this, we consider that the only way to overcome lust is to strive to conquer over it completely.

Note: Just to make it clear, my girlfriend and I have not completely overcome lust, but we are somewhere. We'll declare victory over it as young people after marriage maybe, but just not yet. It is an on-going battle that God helps us overcome one day at a time. We had struggled with it for awhile, and we saw that it was leading us into a pit. (Yeah, we just want you to notice that this relationship over here is not as perfect as you may think - that it is God who sustains us.) We have been tempted several times, but God is faithful. Also, we are talking about this in the present continuous tense so that you understand that it's something that is ongoing and that even in marriage, people still struggle with lust (they just pretend they don't, but they do). Lust has no boundaries; it's just a different kind though when people get married.

Therefore because our relationship is very familiar with lust, and we have managed to do something about it - and are still improving on what we are doing - I'll show you what we have done that might just help you guys.

Here is what we have done:

1.      Intentionally drawing near to God.

If there are fights that have been endless in our relationship, they have been fights on both ends of how intentional we are with God. We realized this: if only one person is REALLY serious and committed to God and the other is simply playing games with Him, the imbalance will cause the less committed person to be often used by the devil as an agent of his traps. It is as plain as that, and people who think being unequally yoked is a good idea should thoroughly read between the lines. This is because the "less serious" person will continually be a catalyst for trouble: a source of all kinds of sexual trouble.

So to save the day, you both need to DO SOMETHING about your spiritual growth. Grow. Grow separately, grow together. Simply grow. Grow in God. That’s the best thing you can ever do for your relationship: intentionally growing together spiritually, morally and emotionally.

2.      Make a commitment to each other that sex (or even the thought of having it) is not an option.  

Lust and sex are two sides of the same coin. To kill one, you have to annihilate the other. There needs to be a law (or whatever you call it) about sex not being an option. Someone will be tempted to want to break it (that law). Someone will be tempted to edit it. You'll even edit it once in awhile thinking that there is no harm to it. But let us promise you something here: the first edition on the law will lead to a second edition, then a third one, and before you know it, sex will be knocking at your door so ferociously that you just may not be able to deny it entry.  

We are trying to be careful here, and there are so many things tagged to it: guarding the things you say, sieving through the places you are in together etc. Christian relationships need boundaries and we need to set them. Boundaries on speech, boundaries that will ensure you don't fall into sexual temptation, boundaries on interactions with the opposite sex, boundaries on how long our hearts and eyes are allowed to linger on anything. Boundaries.  

The fight is still on. So dear LORD, help us.

3.      Sieve through what you watch (on TV, on the streets, on your PC, on your phone etc.)

Everything is not good for your soul, whether you're alone or with your beloved. (1 Corinthians 6:12, NIV) An example is when you watch programs, movies that sexually excite you. By now am sure you know what excites your body, so you may ignore it thinking: “we're not doing anything wrong, it's just on the screen”, but you have to understand that our imagination is very powerful and no one is safe from its traps. So be watchful, and guard yourselves from foreign material that may not be building you up. 

The apostle Paul says flee from sexual temptation (2 Timothy 2:22) and the best way to do that is through working out our faith with fear and trembling and regarding everything as dung in order to gain Christ, the hope of glory.

4.      Guard yourself against unprofitable friendships.

The friends we have determine a lot what we will become in the future.

Immature friends in spiritual vitality and the unsaved (and it is good that you have such friends too because that’s what we are in this world for) need to be given boundaries on what they may throw our way in terms of discussions. This is because these groups of friends may not see anything wrong with discussing topics of sexual nature with vulgar language and dangerous sexual intonations. The questions we should ask even as we talk about such matters with them are:

a)      With what intention do they talk about it?

b)      How do you feel when you hear them talk about it? (Is it sexually provoking your imagination?)

c)      Can you join in in the conversation, or will it make you uncomfortable?

If you can answer these questions and be okay with the answers, then you may be on the right track to talk about lust and sex freely with them.

5.      Talk about it with your boyfriend/girlfriend.

OMG! This is the biggest problem in Christian relationships (we think). If I were to ask you when you last talked about sex with your partner, what would you say? Last year? 2 years ago? Never!? Here, everyone is trying to be so good and holy (especially during this period people call courtship - we have our own views on courtship anyway) that they cannot openly talk to each other about sex. I think it's what makes most Christian relationships weird and plastic. Let's confess it: we have made Christian relationships empty and meaningless to the world either by pretending we don't struggle with some things or by avoiding talks about them altogether.

Here is what we recommend: talk about it. Talk about lust, and talk about sex together. Talk about how you both feel about lust and sex. Talk about your sexual desires (if present or not) and strategize ways to help each other overcome them. Unless you tell the other person that by doing this or that they're causing you to head in the wrong direction, you will move in cycles of lust and sex all the length of your relationship and probably into your marriage. So talk about it.

Lastly,

6.      Pray about it.

There is nothing God can't do. Really. You two may have taken the right path, done the right things and set the right boundaries but lust keeps popping up it's nasty head quite so often. You may even have fasted (oh yeah, our relationship has proved that fasting without DOING SOMETHING about the thing that should be corrected is actually useless) but to no avail.

Don't give up yet. Pray. Pray for one another. Pray against lust and sexual sin. Pray that the Holy Spirit fills both of you with the right desires whenever you meet, that you'll still reflect Christ even in the most secret parts of your relationship.  

There is nothing God can't do, and because He created us with desires (which are good desires by the way - they just need to be directed wisely and at the right time) He is the only One who may have have an idea on how to "switch" them on/off. He can take away the unseasonable thirsting and replace it with good and balanced desires.

Isn't it God who once asked Jeremiah, "Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for Me?" (Jeremiah 32:27, ESV). He can master over our flesh. He can do all things. Trust Him. Trust Him with the affairs and difficult parts of your relationship.  

Also, pray with/for your friends. That way, God can also help them as He helps you overcome it.

Conclusion

Read this post with this reminder at the back of your mind: Morris and his girlfriend have not made it yet, but we are helping each other head in the right direction. You're not alone in this fight, so don't fight alone. May the LORD help us.

Proverbs 27:17 (ESV) "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."

Alice Ogutu and Bonface Morris.

Love’s Shades of Black and White Pt. 1

- Life is like a pyramid. A pyramid that keeps on being uprightly upright and then 
  down rightly inverted, somehow… – Bonface Morris
- Learning the art of love requires justice both to self and to the object… - Bonface Morris

To begin with, I guess that’s the worst point to start off this post – with a twisted fact. A twisted fact, yeah. But it is the best way I think. You just have to start it off with agreeing with me that life is a puzzle that many of us fail to fathom and fully comprehend. A puzzle we only love imagining that we can solve, but we many times don’t want to unbridle. Many of us never even try to. We always feel that we don’t have to - or whenever we keep trying, that we won’t anyway, and therefore we fail trying to before we even try trying to… We always come out feeling that life is a mystery, a bad nightmare that we wish never occurs (or will never occur or try to occur) – a mystery which has legs that keep on being wounded, then getting healed, but sometimes ailing forever; that it is a mixture of multiplicities and a simple but altogether dogma of sorts.

You will agree with me that the greatest minds have only had ways of interpreting life and getting it undone – but the undoing is always wanting. Minds keep on thinking of solutions, but times keep on making the solutions a problem… It is like the questioner who asks too much, then his/her recipient turns the questions around against them, or answers all of them, but only to ask more questions… and the cycle becomes endless… questioning that answers and questions itself all at the same time…

And there are those who always feel that life is unfair. Yeah. That it should not treat them like thus… They should be right to think so. [I am saying that they should be right to, but not they are right to…] But that makes me wonder if life is an object and they, the subject of its course(s) so that it tyrannically keeps on impeding their way with its clawy mannerisms and with queer mercilessness leaving them in a pathetic status… That it carries with itself a portion of unfairness for them… a portion of high allotment…

Then there are those in love life (read, relationships) who always wonder why the love affair has been so unfair to them. Mine being one of them, the truth is that love and loving another person is costly. It needs sacrifice. And it somehow is unfair that such a sweet thing as love (a shade of white) should have so many bumps ahead (shades of black.)

Love forces you to want to learn so many unnecessary things about one person that you somehow feel choked. You need to understand why they behave like they DO behave, why they love this and not that, and not the other, and keep on remembering those likes and dislikes; why they are impatient (or patient) while you can’t tolerate such thickness (or thinness); why in the whole world full of people like them, they should qualify to be the ones – the true ones that you love… You have to understand why they become angry at stupid things, why they love you, if they are pretending or not… A life full of shades…

So let me dig deeper into the shades of that part of life – where people think that they should be having partners (read boyfriends or girlfriends, fiancés or fiancées) to fall in love with… Woreva…

Whoever taught me about love (and I am not saying that I was taught by anyone) did a very bad job. They failed. So, all the advice you will get in this post is strictly mine. Yeah.  I don’t evn know if it is advice. It doesn’t have to be anyway. Did you employ me to advice you on anything? Nope. Did you tell me to be writing to give you advice? Nope. Am I your ticha? Nope. So judge me not when I tell you what I feel about shades in love.

I love the beauty in zebras. Mainly because their skin color beautifully alternates. A friend of mine was asking me, “Hey Morris, are those black stripes on white or white stripes on black that make the color code of a zebra’s skin?” I didn’t know. So I never answered. Compared to the question on zebras, I may not also be having any answers to your many love questions. I don’t have to have any. I am not obligated to have your answers, ama?

But look at this scenario (and I don’t plan to write A LOVE BOOK): a man meets a lady – or a lady meets a man - and they happen to tango. Whether it is on Day 1 or day later… woreva it may be, they agree to be meeting (those things/moments my generation calls dates) over I don’t know what or where – si ni wao huwa wanakubaliana ni wapi watakuwa wanakutana? So hapo jijazie… But anyway, they DO meet. That is point number 1 – if you have to say you are in a relationship, (not necessarily a love relationship), you should be meeting with your significant other. It doesn’t matter whether it is via phone or sms or Facebook, or twirra or Google Talk/+/Hangout or Skype… woreva… you should be meeting. Without a meeting (or communication), there is no relationship, sawa? That may also be shade number 1 for some guys – that you guys never meet, never talk, never ever just chat, meaning, it is a shade of black. But if you DO meet, even for a while and you make time for each other, it is a white one (at least, and maybe)…

Point number 2 – you may be meeting, but you talk a lot of clutter – you keep on telling each other about how the other’s lips look yummy, and how she look hawt; or how his biceps (or six pack) look greyt…  and how his hands drive you crayzy… That is kul, but it is clutter my friend. It is clutter if you want that relationship to go somewhere. Anywhere. I always say that compliments are good – they show affection, but compliments made just to please someone are stupid... OMG! You can hit me if you want. Dates (and I am referring to such dates that are just daytes) make two people pretend to something else whenever they meet. They always will be found pretending to be really guuud. That is why I hate dates. 90% of dates people go to today are clumsy shows of a non-existing relationship. They are places of “judging if that guy (or chic) is guuud enuff” Woreva that is, they always fail. They always come out with black shades and dark unrealistic wounded hearts. But if you DO meet and  build each other, and you don’t pick up a pretentious profile when you are together, and you are just you, then my friend, you are whiting right there… It is a good shade. You are on the right track. But if you fear ati watakujua, you are in big trouble…

My last point for today is this one: so two people have tango-ed and they agree, the next thing that will make you start knowing that it is you who makes your love life fair or unfair is, know this person – get acquainted with their life shades. Only this will enable you to get anywhere.

You see my friend, strangers can’t be comrades until familiarity is developed. Do you get it? Comrades cannot exist until openness is grown. So, are you open enough? Lack of honesty and openness makes you a monkey in a baboon population – no tangoism… If one (or both of you) keep on hiding stuff about yourselves in your so-called dates, while you know very well that this should be a relationship to count on, you better just sit at home watching movies, drinking yoghurt, or woreva,  so that you may not be heard saying, “Men are clumsy and stupid” or “Women are niggards and rude…”

The question is, “Are you ready to make those shades in your relationship as beautiful as those on a zebra or as ugly as those on the hyena, because it too has hideous shades…?

See you next time for part two…

Morris.