Talking Point: Some Musings on Relationships Today

Note: This post seeks to give my general observations and opinion on relationships today. It mainly revolves around relationships amongst the unmarried members of the opposite sex. It doesn't have to be conclusive, I think. Most views are personal, but because I'm a devoted Christian (whatever that means to you) they are mostly guided by my Christian value system.

Millennial hyperbole
That one thing that sticks out amongst millennials is the way we relate to the opposite sex - the way we make or unmake relationships. It is very interesting and noteworthy.

You'd watch, imagine and conclude a few things about relationships today by looking at a few determining factors;
1. Why we get into relationships (that is, the reason as to why we would want to be in a relationship with the opposite sex, at all.)
2. How we get into relationships (this answers the question of the conditions, process and procedure/s through which or by which we get into relationships), and
3. When and where we happen get into relationships (the time, location and period most youngsters get in relationship matters.)

Then you'd discover that relationships today are either exaggerated (people post too much, think too much and suffer quite a lot because of them), suffer overindulgence (people put too much time and value in them), get overrated (people always think they mean to them what - in my opinion - they actually don't), get underrated (people think too little concerning them and offer little effort to salvage them) or are just a play ground (people refuse to take relationships seriously as they are supposed to in many cases.)

People get into relationships and they go overboard without looking back, and mostly, it is with a bit too much salt or without salt at all.

A variety of differences
Going back in time, I think our parents - from what I've gathered around - got into relationships in a very different context from ours.

The reason, the place, the age, the driving factor, the end point... They are all different.

Today, this difference causes parents to insist that young people should; study first, establish themselves, then get into relationships and that there is a certain age where wanting to be in a relationship with the opposite sex is nonnegotiable.

This is because they would want to pull out the same card that was pulled against them years back - of course in a different context but under similar circumstances - when they were still plucking and chewing the berries of their youth.

I would want to partially agree with such parents concerning the appropriateness of time when it comes young people and relationships; but truth be told: times have changed. Technology is making a 7year-old sound smarter than I am and possibly have access to more "adult" information than it was a few decades back. This seven year old now thinks like an adult and is able to make what modernity likes to call "informed decisions".

Also, it not guaranteed that God planned the same plan for all young people (about and above 3billion in the whole world) concerning falling in love and relationships: that our relationship "templates", so to say, are defaulted to: go to school > get work > meet a guy/lady > fall in love > get in a relationship > get married.

That cannot be the case.

I think we ought to really reconsider the age, conditions and status at which we are strongly inclined to think someone is "ripe enough" to get into a relationship with the opposite sex.

There has been little or no agreement at all between the old generation and millennials on why, how and when to enter into serious relationships. The difference should be understood, I think. The reason may be because our parents (and most people born before the 90's) got into relationships and managed relationships quite differently from the way people do today.

(Even then, there are still disagreements between the views on relationships from the 80's crowd, the 70's crowd and the below 60's crowd. It is most likely that relationship dynamics change with every decade; thus if there are siblings in our families that were born 10years apart, their views and values as far as relationships are concerned will be very different.)

Elderly people would say that "we remind them of themselves when they were our age" and they therefore pity us on how we choose to get into and work out our relationships.

It is true, we are pitiable. But we aren't hopeless. The times have changed, and so have the dynamics.

Our mothers wanted responsible, caring and able leaders in men; our ladies may need the same but with something more. Why? I think it is because life today comes with much more than just an "able man". Ladies today want to see beyond the promising capabilities. They want to see self-drive, handsomeness (uuh?), vision, ambition etc. It is more of the same cake but with more ingredients.

There are also differences not only in what caused our parents to get into relationships but also in how they ran and managed their relationships.

Everything seems to be so different now. (And I guess, that is why we are always fighting with our parents on how things should be done.)

Stimuli
And then campus changes almost everything someone has/had believed about relationships and love.

Once in campus, a young person with very conservative Christian values would always find themselves at crossroads as to what they should or shouldn't do as far as relationships are concerned.

There will be pressure (both direct and indirect) forcing them to think differently about the opposite sex. This pressure may come from the hormonal changes when they are close to the subject of love, from friends, from culture (the movies they watch, the people they see from time to time, the music and programs they listen to etc.) or from their consciences.

So if the wildest opportunity presents itself (and it always does, doesn't it?) even the good relationship they may end up having (like one with a person saved by the grace of God and washed in Christ's blood) may become a stumbling block to their value system and basic Christian principles for relationships.

A "super" brother can make a "super" sister fall, and vice versa. There is no mystery in this. So long as there is opportunity and no boundaries are put in place, and self-control is thrown out of the window, sin fears not the mighty. (This is the one thing I have noticed we overlook.)

People may judge these two as badly as they would want to, but that doesn't minimize or eliminate the possible risks that emerge in such relationships from time to time.

Dilemmas 
Unanswered questions and expectations will arise every now in relationships. Whenever such fears and concerns are not spoken out to the one they're intended for, problems arise. 

Some people refuse to get into committed relationships because they fear that they will fall victim to one or several of the factors that make relationships to fail (they may feel inadequate as potential partners, or fear that they may fall prey to unfaithfulness or violence or breakups or divorce). You can't blame them for this. (Or you may actually, depending on how you choose to look at it.)
Some make false conclusions on a certain group of people because of the above factors. You can't blame them too.

Such situations cause people to be quite indecisive and makes us pose the question: when can we ever be sure of anything if it involves and solely requires the commitment of another person rather than your own and when that involvement is not under your jurisdiction? Then we realize that surviving on maybes maybe the only great option we have for now. Our expectations may be less haunting if we acted with a bit more faith than surety. Because, for what it's worth, love is a war.

The biggest and most common dilemma today is when we Christians fall in love with non-believers and are threatened by the fact that we might overstep and go against every issue I addressed in this post »» Relationships: Why The Fuss Over Yokes? and in so doing, sin against God.

In the name of love
Millennials (and you should pick a bone with me on this one because young people are not the only victims here as we have come to notice) seem to be able to do anything so long as they are defending "the course of love" and are doing it (as they would want us to perceive it), "for the greater good" and "to the benefit of all." (Machiavelli should really be turning in his grave kinda right now.)

"So long as I'm gonna be with my love and we are two people who can tell wrong from right and have henceforth chosen this path to celebrate our love (a love which at such a point C S Lewis would say has become both a god and a demon), there is no reason for anyone stopping us..."

Stories have emerged (like the one below) and will keep emerging of a marriage or union of two people from two walks of life or two distinct generations that claim to have fallen in love and are therefore giving it a go. And they'll be unstoppable. And people will applaud them. And wine glasses will toss. And cycle would repeat itself over and over again.

I don't oppose this. (I have no reason to do so anyway.) But I would oppose such unions if the motive behind them is of a selfish or evil nature.

Here is a good example of this crop of people who fancily either go for the too old or the too young member of the opposite sex »» Woman, 38, Meets Boy Online, Gets Pregnant By Him.

We can blame them all we want, but they are grownups. No?

Hope
But there is always hope.
Our relationships, in their different trajectories can survive all these waves. It is not about escaping the waves, but learning to ride on them. 

Here are the waves:
1. What is the underlying factor behind our genuine or fake love? What draws us to each other or apart?
2. What are the underlying issues concerning relationships that cause us to disagree with people from different backgrounds, personalities and generations?
3. Why do we either treat relationships casually or with lots of commitment? What can we do about it?
4. Why does it matter so much what our sociocultural systems say about our relationships and how we run them? Is there anything we can do about it?
5. How to we deal with the dilemmas we face daily in our relationships?
6. Why do we put God on the edge but cry foul when everything gets messed up? Is there a place for Him in our relationships as young people?

These are just some issues I needed us to ponder about in today's talking point. Then, maybe, we can salvage the relationships we have between members of the opposite sex in the 21st century.
I know we can.

Bonface Morris (for Talking Point).

Fathers’ Day Special

To my old chap, my dad, to all dads... and to God as the best father I’ve ever had...

Two songs I do dedicate to you:

1. Joel Engle’s ‘The Father I Never Had’ – to all of us who have never seen or had an experience with our mortal dads and;
2. Phillips, Craig and Dean’s ‘I Want to be Just Like You’ – to all of us who seek to emulate God as our eternal Father...

Dude! There are times I wonder what kind of father I will be. I always wonder like that because I realize that I’m growing old really fast. Just the other day I was 18. OK, let me start like this: just the other day, I was a baby. A baby. I should not imagine me being a baby. Dude! I should not. My dad used to call me with another name I may never tell you so soon. But I remember it anyway. I also remember how he used to call it out. I grew up riding horses (take that for being made old before your time). Sadly (or gladly also) I remember how he used to spank me to instil discipline in this messed up boy. And speaking of being messed up, boy I was. I was a real mess. From age 7 I already had known how to jump out of windows to escape punishment at school. I was a serial thief, a liar, a stone-thrower – all at the age of 7 – 10.

How would you feel if your only son is as messy as I was at an early age? It would only tell you that he will be the worst son a father can ever have. It is to indicate that you are a failing father. So to make his mark on my life, the old chap really used to work on my body. And I deserved it, I guess. I deserved it because being a lad and you don’t sleep at home for 2 days, you make technical appearances only to steal and potea again, you have several cases people have reported of you here and there was just bad. Weird. I was this lad who would steal and go out to gamble (that should have been when I was 12), watch a few movies, buy stuff... and just disappear from home. Breathe. Breathe again. Good.
Let me paint for you the picture of how it really is (and really was) having my dad around... Here we go...
Dude! My early life was spent running away from my dad. I didn’t like meeting him one-on-one. Nope. I think I really never liked him that much then as compared to my soft-spoken mum. The guy was a tyrant. A real one for sure. If he spotted me in the night after my escapades, I would face the music sung by his special mshipi that was entirely customized for my dorsal to anterior parts. I would cry. But in vain. Not even my mom would sooth the wrath of that old guy... And the drama went on and on, and on...

So my growing up distancing myself from him somehow worried him. I could see it in his eyes when I was in high school (and then I had grown into an innocent wreck... into a guy who talked less and operated under the MYOB code.) It scared him somehow. I think he feared that he was losing me. He feared that he may never reach me anymore. I was too demanding and a lil bit overlaid. Being the only son somehow spoils you... But he never allowed me to get spoilt. Thank you dad, because if you had, I would really be spoilt today. Thank you because in my adolescent days you allowed me to ‘mind my own business’ but under control. You allowed me to do my thing but not beyond boundaries. You talked to me somehow. And I answered back because of the ka-feeling of growing up. You knew that that is how boys behave when they want to informally tell you that their voices have changed from soprano-ish to tenor-bass-ish. You knew that I no longer wished to be told everything to be done. You allowed me to make decisions on my own, knowing that they will shape where I went. I am thankful that to today you allow me that freedom...

To make you understand a few things, my dad hana bro. Na mimi pia sina bro. I am like his bro kind-of. We are brothers kind-of. This dude is the tightest dude I’ve ever met. I am always wondering if I will ever be like my dad. He has shown me courage in many ways. He has shown me that you don’t beat up a lady (or a woman in any case) to make her see sense in what you are saying. He has taught me that you don’t prove points by yelling at people. The more the old chap has grown old, the calmer he has become. Of course there were days he used to make lots of noise. And I think it was rightfully so. He then had 5 naughty daughters and one filthy son – if it were you, what would you do, huh? I guess you would prove points by showing them you (and not them) are the man of the house. You would show them in words and in action. Man!

And about him and my mother, and for as long as I’ve known him, he has never laid a hand on her in the name of beating her. He has never insulted her. He has allowed her to sit him down and straighten a few things (because that always happens with marriage I suppose) but he has not allowed himself f to be controlled by his anger. When angry at her, as I would see, he would match out and chill off; only to return later and ask for food and after that – it’s bed time baby! BTW, I was telling one of my friends that until the day I was living with them a few years ago, he still called her ‘darling’ to our hearing – not in privacy but to the openness of our ears! Dude! Breathe again...

My dad has taught me that women should be loved (I know he loves my mom) and that the only way to be right sometimes is by allowing yourself to become wrong. He has allowed himself to be vulnerable (I think I took part of that to myself) by talking about his early days when he was my age – of how he acquired a Muslim name and it stuck, and of how and when he got married to my mom – how poor but favoured he was to marry a woman from... I won’t say that... hehe!). We talk a lot. He is not the kind of, ‘you are still a kid and have so much to learn’, but one of, ‘Yeah you are a kid, but you must learn how to grow up until you are my age’. He is over sixty you know... 

I love my dad. Yeah I do. People say we look alike... OK, that’s a story for another day... He is a courageous man. Even to today, when all of us are out here making life happen, he still is not the lazy fellow who waits to be fed – he takes care of his family still...

Concluding my chit chat, there is a movie I admire (one addressed by DJ Johni Celeb in his post ‘Man – An Endangered Species’) – Courageous. It is a movie I would like every man to watch. It is a good movie. I wonder if we, the men of today, shall rise up and become courageous for our God, our girlfriends, our fiancées, for our wives, for our children. I wonder if we will love them as Christ loves the Church. I wonder if men of this generation will be courageous at all. I wonder if this Fathers’ Day will remind us more of the great Father we have – our God. Such a Father who gave His only Son for us thus showing us the deepest love ever known. I only wonder. But I also hope that men will take their positions and rule, and guide, and show the way that this generation should go... I hope that God will be the very picture of a father we wanna be... Only Him is the best picture...

Morris.