Relationships: 10 Things All Singles Need to Know

10 things all singles should know

As some kind of memorabilia, lemme talk about singlehood today.

About a year or so ago, I was single. (Yeah, I don’t know how you will look at it but I just have to say it for the sake of this post.) I didn't have a lady attached to my brow and we saying to each other that we belong to each other forever.

(Oh well, that may also not be the complete state of things here because there is no attachment – or binding factor - a Christian boyfriend has to his Christian girlfriend except that of loving her and being committed to what he says to her until marriage. Most things here are just lip service, reliability and committing oneself to the words you say through actions. Marriage is where the real commitment counts. It is only then you become sure that; he/she is mine and I am completely theirs before both God and man.)

Back to my story…

I was free - sort of - to mingle. I was free to be me without thinking of “us”. I was free to make decisions without thinking of a second or third party. See? Singlehood gave me lots of “freedom”. And I enjoyed it while it lasted.

A lot has happened since that period of time. I am not married yet but bet-you-me I neither can write nor act nor speak like someone still unattached. I am into a different kind of freedom and enjoyment now: one that includes another person and from a distance. It is unique in its own way.

But looking at it, there were a few things I considered right then that made me to survive (so to say) as a single young Christian guy. I am listing them below for anyone who would care to read and note them down. Because they were useful to me, I bet they’ll be useful to someone else.

Note: I will call this the first edition of 10 Things so-and-so in a relationship-related-way should know. I will soon be doing another one for guys in relationships. And, er, just to be clear, the word “single” as used in this post means “not in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex.” Also, by sharing these tips, it doesn’t really mean that Morris is now “Mr. Perfect” but that I love sharing what I have experienced in order to help guys see beyond who they are right now. I help you look into the future with clear eyes.

So single people, here are the few things you should know; 

1. Stop grieving over the mistakes you made in your previous relationship. Do it before you even desire to get into another relationship. 
If you have never been in a relationship before, the better. The less number of relationships you have had before, the better. This means you have less baggage to deal with, less misunderstandings in your coming relationship because “you happened to talk to your ex” etc. etc.If the only thing you’ve ever had that is close to a relationship is a crush on someone, trim off from your mind those funny desires before you start anew. Your heart and mind need to be cleared off of any sort of attachment to the opposite sex that keeps you bound before you are free and ready for another meaningful relationship.Stop re-living memories, oh-I-should-have-done-this kinda feelings and regrets in your mind. Free yourself of all the baggage from your previous relationship or from your fantasy world. Then step out confidently into a new world of possibilities. 

2. To be a better person, you need to stop looking for someone who would “complete you”. 
You know how as a writer and singer I really wished I’d get a lady who sings and writes? A lady who’s into “reading music” from synth to synth like a book? I found out that I was actually limiting myself to a fantasy and blocking all the fabulous God-made ladies around me from having a share of my fakeness. (Duuh!!). No one completes us better than Christ does. If you are incomplete, or if you are convinced that you are incomplete, allow Jesus to fix you up first before you tamper with anyone’s life. 

3. It's okay not to be in a relationship. Yeah, really. 
I met with a few friends after my break up and told everyone: “I just need a three year break from relationships. I’ll be alright. I’ll be Morris.” I guess it went well. It made me stop looking around “hunting” for ladies and wondering who is that lady the Lord “was putting in my way for me to nyemelea”. To achieve this, I had to stop falling to what society says concerning single people. I realized that being single is just as awesome as being in a relationship. There is nothing to be ashamed of. (This would also help a person’s self esteem when society starts haunting them with questions and looks. Look them in the eye and tell them you are okay until you meet the other person.) 

4. Being choosy and waiting for the so-called soul mate is both a waste of time and opportunity to get into a meaningful relationship. 
Side note: I am doing a post on open-mindedness which will cover a bigger part of this point, so watch out for it. 
You see, soul-mates don’t exist. Yeah guys, someone who makes you feel in and over your head and happy 24/7 doesn’t exist. Someone who really “gets you” doesn’t exist. You may fall in love and feel that way for the first few days but you’ll realize with time that the other person is just as messed up as everyone else. People learn to know and understand you at different levels until they know you a bit more than everyone else. But this only happens if you allow them to. Isn’t this how normal down-to-earth relationships are built? 
But, again, don’t fall for any fake person that comes your way. You are worthy more than that. But aspire to make friends with like-minded people. Make friends with no strings attached. In them, you will find the right person. 

5. Make yourself better. Change and be ready for a meaningful relationship. 
I figured out that this is the best way to let that special person find you ready for a relationship and later marriage. Maybe God isn't bringing that special person into your life because; 
(a)   You may end up messing up everything because you aren't ready (emotionally/psychologically, morally and physically) 
(b)   You are tagging your happiness on another person by thinking that once they come, you'll change in every other place of your messed up life. 
Truth be told, if you won’t change now out of your own free will, you can’t change for anybody else. This, my friend, may remain to be an eternal source of fights in your coming relationship. 

6. Act single, not as if you are in a relationship. That's how you attract fellow genuine single people. 
You know how ladies who are neither in a relationship nor engaged are carrying rings around pretending to be in relationships or engaged? (It actually is always out of wanting us to envy them.) Such ladies (or those guys who keep lying to us about their non-existent better halves) are actually shading off good people to be in relationships with. By pretending you are in a relationship, a sensible person of the opposite sex will stop pursuing you and “fish” somewhere else. I will always confess I am single when I am, and say I am in a relationship when I am (no matter how messed up it may be.) 

7. Be ready for something a little more than what we like mistaking as love. Love is a verb, not just words (I hear them say.) True love wears an apron called sacrifice. 
My first relationship taught me this one thing that I can never forget: loving someone isn't enough; love should scream so loud within me that it makes me ready to die for the other person. Only then can I be selfless enough to love sincerely and with all I am. 
(Even the Bible says the same thing to those who would dare say they love Christ: 1John 5:2 “By this we know that we love the children of God: whenever we love God and obey his commandments.” The sacrifice here is in the obedience we show to His commands. But again, theologically speaking, love is not equal to obedience…) 

8. Don’t shout your frustrations and “okayness” on social media. It is a façade, and you should know better. 
People care less for single people who are always telling them that “they are proud to be single.” Come on, who are you kidding? We know it is a lie. You are seeking attention, sympathy, recognition and pity. You’ll get them, but to know good avail. Instead, just be okay, we’ll know it when we see it. 

9. Your prayer (and fasting) life should be less of “Lord, I want a great gentleman/lady” and more of “Lord, make me a great gentleman/lady” 
In fact, stop praying for a boyfriend/girlfriend. It is messing up your spiritual life. It is leaving you burnt out, desperate and frustrated. I have always chosen to pray more for my spiritual growth than for anything ese; once my spiritual life is in line, everything else will fall in place. Not the other way round. 
God cares for you. For us. For every part of your life. So stop limiting His power to one area of your life: relationships. Our purpose on this earth is much greater than our relationships. Therefore, nothing should replace it. 

10. Stop pretending that you don’t want to be in a relationship because you do. Desire to be in one. Just don’t whine about it 24/7. 
I have said this before: as far as I am a devoted Christian, Jesus is not my wife; nor is He a husband/boyfriend to any of you ladies. Jesus is our Lord and Savior. Stop lying to people that “you are married to Jesus.” What is that? 
But sit down yourself and tell yourself that you are going to be in a relationship on of these fine days. It works to brighten up your hope.

There you go, singles.

Read my next post from this series here: Relationships: 20 Things Everyone In a Relationship Needs to Know 

Bonface Morris.

Stuff I Learned and Discovered Last Year (2014 Edition)

Last year, I shared with us a few things I had learned from 2013. I may not be all that cool in studying stuff yeah, but I am really good at noting things down. (Yes, I know I am, haha.)

You can read that post here.

So after last year's post, I thought, "Why can't we be doing this annually?" Then the reply came back: not bad, not bad at all.

Herein, I am unleashing a few lessons from 2014, aligned in no order at all...

1. I discovered that the best thing a person can do to themselves is to either be fully involved in something or not to be involved in anything at all. The truth is this: playing middle ground is both unhealthy and dissatisfying. It elevates indecision, and indecisive minds build no real castles.

2. If and when something (or stuff) is wrong, stop and fix it. Playing passive won't help a thing. I have discovered that people who complain about things without making effort to make them right are worse than those who don't care about whatever is happening.

3. Failure creates masterpieces out of men if they use it well. I believe that those who have failed before are better teachers than those who only believe in success.

4. Stuff comes and stuff goes; nothing lasts forever. Nothing except things that concern the Heaven of God.

5. We ride on different levels of integrity, intelligence, origin, ability and self-drive. This means that it is useless and demeaning to your awesome self to compare yourself to others. It is better if you compared your new self to who you were yesterday or a few minutes ago; there, you'll be growing.

6. Our social media platforms (Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and WhatsApp) are full of people and families wanting to make you feel that your life is so boring, less advanced, eventless and you ain't all that blessed as they are. But it is not always that way. There are so many of us that pretend almost about everything. It is an art we have perfected.

7. You can't fully satisfy everyone. (The key word here is FULLY.) Playing God to people in/and their lives/needs will only leave you drained, burnt out and extremely exhausted for nothing. That's why there is God, then there is man. Stick to being a human being and you'll be safe.

8. One of the worst habits to pick is that of doing something (whether good or bad) because everyone else is doing it. This is called "being a junk cabinet". You always end up junky.

9. God is not my servant, nor is He yours. We shouldn't therefore try to dictate how He works in or through us on any given day.

10. Serve the LORD. If He blesses you, well and good; if He doesn't, serve Him. He'll bless you anyway. Oh, and He knows why you serve Him anyway. You can't fool Him.

11. My spiritual life is not dependent on my leader or pastor. Blaming either or both of them for what goes wrong with it is like Judas Iscariot blaming Christ for falling out.

12. If I boast of what I do or what I am able to do, I boast foolishly.

13. People (including myself) will want you to do stuff for them like accomplish a project, meet a target, go somewhere on their/our behalf but they will never appreciate the sacrifices you made along the way to meet their demands. In short, most of us are really ungrateful, so put that in mind before offering us a helping hand.

14. Work with what you have. Stay contented. What you don't have is not yours, so don't plan your life using it. (This I learned when my employer transitioned from one small organization to a bigger one. People expected promotions and a salary increment. Both have not appeared.)

15. I've discovered that every moment a parent treats an 18 year old the same way they treat a 10 year old, they lose them by 2%. That means, it will only take 50 times of lack of confidence in a teenager to lose them completely. It also means that if a parent does it consecutively for a whole year, the child they'll be seeing in the next year will be totally different from the one they knew in the past year.

16. You are more awestruck (either positively or negatively) when you see yourself as you really are than when you look at others with an eye intending them to be the way you expect them to be. Try it one time.

17. Don’t peg your life on people. Because; they come and go, they change everyday, and because even the government subsides in meekness and uselessness. Pegging yourself on how people see you and think you are will bring you down. Brands/people are not liked passé, but brands are made to be loved with time.

18. Don’t think that you know it all. Sometimes silence is the best option. In 2014, I begun learning how to just say nothing at all. (I seem to be that guy who’s always talking about stuff so this has been bit of a challenge to me.)

19. Also, I realized that our relationships are affected by how much we speak – people abhor proud people who always think they know it all... So it is good to be aware that the so-called fools know some stuff about silence that the wise don’t.

20. God is here, God is there and… God is everywhere; but what counts in our relationship with Him is our consciousness of His omnipresence. He rarely moves unless we do. He loves me even at the very moments I think I don’t deserve it. He cares, and would love us to appreciate Him for who He is and what He does and also have a deep understanding of Him through a constant relationship with Him. He desires, above all, that we learn and grow in Him. He cares about our relationship with others around us too.

21. Hurry is the devil. Hurry changes nothing for the better. Actually, hurry fuels anxiety/fear, complaints and impatience which are the three things that are very much against the character that the LORD seeks to build in us. There is therefore no need to hurry in life. At all.

22. Entirely, nobody cares. This is the safest point of knowledge you can ever have, so use it for your own good.

23. Mostly, people want to be part of something great – something big – but they mostly have no idea of how to bring it about. Also, mostly, people only get involved in something that will eventually directly benefit them. Of these two kinds of people, I learned that leadership is about knowing how to meet the needs of both without necessarily satisfying them.

24. When you do nothing, you achieve nothing. Even God does something, why do we think that we shouldn’t? Riches and prosperity are outcomes of hard work. It is impossible to nurture success without hard work and commitment.

25. There is no limit to creativity and becoming better. Each one of us has the potential of becoming better. You can become better if you choose to and work hard on it. But remember that although copying the status quo may make you adopt easily, it will soon throw you out of business.

26. Creativity requires that you stretch your limits a little. It is tough, but is it always the father of invention.

27. When you use you as your own mirror and while using the Word of God as a reflection, then you can grow healthily amongst many of your type.

28. We die slowly in so many places without knowing. Gradual spiritual death to a Christian is maybe one of the most underrated things.

29. Every believer needs to learn and become equipped in Christian apologetics. Neither for "awesomeness" nor for their leader(s) sake, but for this very reason: it is a good thing and a mark of sanity to know and become sure of what someone believes in and to be able to defend that very course.

That's all for now.

Until next time,



Bonface Morris.

Stuff I Learned and Discovered Last Year (2013 Edition)

First, this is not a poem. Or let me just say that I don’t know what it is.I have wanted it to become one (a poem), but my pen has told me otherwise. And I am okay with that. Fighting with pens can be overwhelming. Really overwhelming. You can never win. Such fights. You can’t. But if you ever do, you won’t be friends at all. So I have conceded defeat. In a good way. Because I still value this friendship.

I don’t know what you’ll think this is, but again, that is one of my discoveries: that what you think of things or of what other people do is all up to you. You choose what to believe and what not to. The other person/people (or things in any case) do not rule over what you want to think about them... And they should not pester you about it. Okay, they should. Sometimes. If they so choose. But it still won’t be changing how you feel about them. Or about some things. Or anything. It won’t.

Secondly, read on... Read on and see what I’ve been seeing and the conclusions I have been making all along. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m not...

The art of "discovering things."

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I have discovered that we should all be equally insane. That I should not be just as bad (or good in some other rare case) as you are. I should be “more bad” (if that can be acceptable) or “more good” than everyone else. And that the more insane I am, the better. I have discovered that being normal is sad. Normal is too average. And being normal normally chars our world and embers it. With time. I have discovered that we should prefer remaining insane for the sake of our society. Only an abnormal society is aware of the need for change. A normal society almost always thinks that everything is alright. Well, it is not. Everything is not alright. It is not alright for all of us to score the same average mark in everything. It is not good for all of us to jump the same length or run the same distance or achieve the same results. That is what normal people do: the same old stuff in the same old way to achieve the same old results.

Being abnormal - yes, being insane - is what makes us extraordinary. It is what makes brands out of us. It is what turns our society and world around. It is what makes us invent, and invest, and rant, and heckle at issues and change the world around us. It is what ticks. Yeah. Insanity.

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I have also discovered that you should not get into the habit of eating all that you are cooking while you are still cooking it. People will go to bed hungry. Because by the time you’ll be finished eating/cooking, you’ll be having no food at all. And that is not good. It is not good for all of us that were expecting that food. Now, think about it again while replacing food with any other resource at your disposal. Got it?

The old people around here used to say (I am not so sure if they still do say it), “Do not put all your eggs in one basket...” and that “You cannot kill two birds with one stone”. We loved what they said. It was good. But I wish they had specified which eggs, which basket, which stone and which birds they were talking about. Because that can be really catastrophic if we limit ourselves to the mere stones and baskets we know.

So I have been rolling my mind through what they said and I have discovered that you can actually kill thousands of birds with one stone and that all your eggs can be safe in one basket. It just depends with your choice of the stone and the basket. What if God is the stone and the basket? What if He is our only stone and our only basket? We can kill more birds and keep more eggs, right? Oh well!

Let us move on...



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I have also discovered that life actually does change overnight. It is not a universal guarantee for it to do so on the positive side of things, but on the negative one, it does change overnight.

“Positive change,” as everyone else puts it, “is progressive.” But negative change is not. Negative change is instantaneous.

Consider this: there is a very thin line between wisdom and foolishness. Very. Why? A fool cannot become wise overnight. It doesn’t work that way. But the wise can be foolish in one minute. Yes. So we’d rather be foolish to men to save our reputation than rant to all about how wise we are and lose it all. Most wise people are the most foolish in our societies because they want to play it cool. Fools want us to recognize and know how wise they are, and as a result, we always ignore them.

Then consider this: it takes time and effort to accumulate knowledge, and experience and wealth, and skills, and artistry; but it takes no commitment and effort at all to lose them. Bad things happen overnight, while good things take time. This is the mystery of life.

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I have also been keen on wanting to understand how you - yes, you and your life - are mostly none of my business, but again that you are solely part of mine. About this one, I am still discovering. I am still wanting to know where to draw the line between being mindful of how you live your life and being skeptical of how you live it. Those are two different things. Two very different things. But again, sometimes I am tempted and would prefer to do neither.

You see, where I wonder most is why I love making you part of my business much more than I would love you to make mine part of yours. Okay. And it is an awful thing. A one sided coin actually. It is like a sun that refuses to set in the West. A sun that forcefully wants to rise from the East and go back there. Evading the laws of nature and mutuality. Yeah, that is me when dealing with you.
Anyway, I have been wondering why I should be obsessed with your life this much. Am I your God? Or your guardian angel? But again, should I stop to care that you are messing up somewhere? Or that you are doing things right?

I am still wondering. Discovering. I will come back on this one some other time.

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And there is this other thing. God. Some people are serious with/about Him. (And by serious I mean devoted.) Others are not. Some are skeptical. Others are not even sure where they are with Him. Yet others really wish, year in year out, that they would be a bit more serious with Him this time.
"This is the season and time, Lord”, they say. “This is the season and time I am going to serve and love You like never before...”

I know you can mention a few of them - these people of seasons and times. But that - they forget to put in mind - is a cycle they can’t complete on their own. They fight to please Him so much that they become miserable, and cry and mourn, and throw themselves in the dust, and pray, and fast... And after all has been said and done, they go back to where they begun. Or even worse. Why? Because they think God can be served their way. Nah, it does not work that way. Terms and conditions apply. Understand the terms and conditions first before making any move(s) or commitment(s) with/for God.

Others think that they've already pleased Him. That they have outsmarted His principles by doing all He demands. Wait until they reach heaven. There will be chaos, the politics of ownership and self-righteousness.
And maybe then they’ll discover that God is so different from men. His ways are unfathomable and that what pleases Him is far less than what men would think. Yeah, He is cool like that.

And I have discovered that when it comes to God, none of us should boast about anything. Not at all. God is mysterious. So unpredictable. We should take one day at a time with Him, but should also have before us the whole array of the galaxy that is life well placed within our view. We should be seeing the stars within the galaxy, but never boasting about knowing why they are there. Because we don’t.

James 4:13ff: “Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit’ - yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.’ As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil.”

Have you ever read this verse somewhere in Romans 9:15: “For he says to Moses, ‘I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.’”? That is God speaking. We can’t judge or tell why He makes the moves He makes or why He does the things He does the way He does them, because (I have discovered) He chooses to do them like He gotta and like He wanna. He is God. Period.

If we’d prefer to take one step at a time with Him, then we’ll be less miserable. His mind is far too high for our understanding (Isaiah 55:8ff:“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.) But as the apostle Paul puts it in 1 Corinthians 2:16, He has revealed his mind to us: “‘For who has understood the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?’ But we have the mind of Christ.” And He also has “...made everything beautiful in its time... and put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end...” (Ecclesiastes 3:11). That is interesting.

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Finally, I have also discovered that life is a paradox. That it sways between one known and several unknowns. I have a feeling that this is okay... but let’s talk about it some other time.

I know you have your own discoveries, but it is just your pen that needs some ink.

And you need some good paper. And a glass of water... Water? Yes, water. :-)

Maybe.
Until next time,

Bonface Morris.