Talking Point: The Ideal Man Crisis

So I was thinking this morning, “What can I post this Monday?”

Weird enough, I sat down and while browsing through my movie folders, I stumbled upon some movie which I previewed to see if it’ll interest me. It is some kind-of black people soap opera. Some overdone romantic tale. It’s called Black Coffee.

It got me thinking about a blog I had started writing in October last year - this blog. I looked it up in my notes, and I was like, “Yeees! After this movie, I think I just got a good angle of approaching and finishing up on that post.”

So here is that post. And, yes, go watch that emotional movie with your girl. I know you are asking, “So Morris is watching soaps now?” And I’m reiterating, “Yes, for my bae’s sake.” (Alright, you can still find some not so good quality version here on YouTube and I guess, that’ll keep you occupied.)

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Photo of a black man. Source: Pinterest

The question I am tempted to bypass but I just can’t do for the sake of this post is this:

“Ladies, what is your ideal man? What is that kind of man you dream of having or “making”? Do you have a picture of him in your mind? Do you see him when you pray to the Lord for a man? What. is. you. ideal. man?”

The Oxford Advanced Learners Dictionary (8^th Edition) defines “ideal” as “something perfect or something most suitable”; which then translates to us saying (for the sake of this post) that there is a most suitable man for every lady in this world.

This post seeks to openly talk about how ladies figure out who is and who is not the ideal man for them and the influence of society on this choice. It derives from the primary truth that every single lady on this earth has a picture of who can be or cannot be her ideal man. It is funny that every lady has a man in mind that is very different from every other lady and this is allowed. Personal preferences are alright, but as we’ll come to see it, there are fundamentals to this type of idealism.

To begin with, here are some pointers on how I think a lady should construct the ideal man idea in her mind. She should first ask herself the following important questions:

1. What do I really admire about or in a man?

What is that thing about such a man that keeps me glued to wanting to know more about him or to want him for myself? What is that mystery in him that brings out the best in him?

2. What does God want me to really admire about (and/or in) His ideal man for me?
3. What do the people I respect really admire in an ideal man?

Note: If you don’t admire something about a man, your interest and support for him is likely to disappear really fast.

After figuring out the answers to the above questions, a lady should then figure out for themselves what the answers to the following set of questions are;

1. What do I admire in a man that brings out the best in him?

Is it his strength? Passion? Commitment? Leadership potential? Protectiveness? Power? Wealth? A free spirit? Self-drive? Confidence? Is it him being responsible and committed? Reliable? His artistry? His intelligence? His vision and ambitions?

2. What do I admire in a man that brings out the God in him?

Is it his Godliness? His prayer life? His knowledge of Scripture? His devotion and dedication to God? His surrender to God? His service to God? His service to other people?

3. What do I admire in a man that brings out the best in me?

Is it care? Tenderness? Support? Security? Godliness? Manliness? Affection? A forgiving spirit? Generosity? Patience? Do you admire the fact that he makes you want to care about him? His wisdom and guidance? His emotional presence? His love?

4. What do I admire in a man that brings out the best in others?

Is it friendliness? Responsiveness? His caring spirit? A forgiving spirit? Gentleness/kindness? His leadership skills? Is he inspirational? Does he always see the best in others? Is he social? Easy to be with?

An ideal man is assessed by how he relates with himself, how he relates with God, how he relates with you as the lady, and how he relates with others. You see, I haven’t talked about whether he is black or white or tall or short or employed or unemployed or famous or not or handicapped or whatever… because such attributes only influence one party in the full equation of his influence: these tiny attributes only influence you. They don’t influence other people or God or himself. Not much.

The questions above answer things about a man’s spiritual life, his character, his social life and his ability to love and care for others. This is what constitutes a man. And these attributes are infused in boys before they grow into men. A man is a product of his boyhood. (Yes, my dad indirectly taught me that.)

Quote: A man is a product of his boyhood.

After looking at the above pointers, it may be true that there truly is an ideal man crisis, but it is not final that there is an ideal man crisis. It may be that the lack thereof of ideal men is just a generational trend created by selfish ladies who want too much from men, and especially things that these men cannot offer; or it may be that the men in this generation are really lacking in things to be admired for. It is a funny equation that can only be balanced correctly in a man’s boyhood.

I have had lady friends who stick in relationships because their “ideal man” meets their most basic need: affection. The man is stupid, his is violent, he is a spendthrift, he is ungodly but the lady says as long as he is affectionate, she ain’t going nowhere. That makes me wonder: why would a lady tolerate a disrespectful, uncaring, violent, ungodly and unfaithful man? Is this her ideal man, is he the only man in the world, or has she altogether given up on the idea of ideal men?

Or it may also be true that men have changed and this has caused this level of unbearable tolerance in women. We are no longer what our fathers used to be. It is like our fathers were born ideal; but for most of us in this generation, we need to be made ideal. Who is failing? Whose responsibility is it to create ideal men? We cannot be our fathers. There should be no competition, ladies. You should understand this as a fact. But this also is not an excuse for irresponsible and uncaring behavior from our side. No. We need to unlearn these bad habits and step up into true manhood.

Alright, but women have changed too. Our ladies aren’t exactly what our mothers used to be. Let’s stop looking only at one side of the coin. As far much as ladies would want to complain about there being no ideal/good men left, there are also so few ideal women.

Just to try and answer the question of, exactly whose responsibility is it to create ideal men, this is how I see it:

Right through boyhood, fathers shape what kind of men grow up today, and mothers shape what kind of ladies we have in our society right from the days when they are still girls. Fathers shape how their daughters will look at love and affection in the men they meet in the future (how they’ll choose their ideal men); while mothers shape how their boys will treat other ladies in the future (how they’ll choose their ideal woman.).

The society also plays a role in determining how both men and women will be treated whether at infancy, in their childhood or in adulthood: when the girl child is empowered and the boy child is left out, the society will always end up upside down, men will be seen as an excuse and not a necessity and the girl-child will want to call all men stupid, disfigured and visionless. On the other hand, when the boy child is empowered and the girl child is neglected, the society will always grow into an arena for slavery where men think women are objects of service and pleasure.

See?

It is not only the responsibility of young men to become men, but it also weighs in on society and how it sees the boy child. It is not only the responsibility of the girl-child to become confident in herself, but society also has a place in determining exactly how our ladies turn out. We (young people) are responsible for our own actions once we know the difference between right and wrong. Let’s just say that this argument goes back and forth. Everyone is responsible for everyone, and everyone is responsible for everything. Our society and our parents are responsible for how we come out, but we are equally responsible for how we choose to take over the world and how we treat and trust the people we meet.

Who is to strike the balance then so that we can find as many ideal men as there are ideal women in our society? All of us are responsible: parents, our communities/the society, ladies and young men. All of us are responsible if we can ever achieve as many ideal men as there are women and to clear out any kind of ideal-ness crisis.

Bonface Morris.

In Honor of A Woman

Quote: It is a woman that opens the eyes of the world to infinite possibilities. It is the woman. - Bonface Morris.

Dedicated to my mother, Mrs. Tabitha Olumi.

I love you mom.

And in celebration to International Women's Day, 2015 (March 8, 2015). #MakeItHappen

Long before there was civilization, they (women) were thought only to be servants: servants of men.

The only time it felt right for a woman to say a thing to a man was when giving birth.

Only then was she allowed to yell things at him - to justifiably vent her inner sorrows. But even then, she was careful. She was careful lest her pain would cause her family to part with goats and bullocks; and herself, the stigma of being called a witch.

It was so common then. And real. It was common and real how women suffered silently under the dictatorship of men. Men knew exactly how to manipulate situations to favor them. So the woman always suffered in silence.

She was thought to be an object.

Of pleasure. Of ridicule. Of lessness. 

A conduit for pain.

She was known to be strong but useless. Present but voiceless. Needed but irrelevant.

The girl child existed only as an animal would exist today.

None of her words mattered. None of her feelings and emotions and lamentations and visions and dreams mattered.

She was the uncelebrated martyr. A useful ghost.

That was back then.

That was until civilization slightly came to her rescue.

That was then. That was before civilization held us in its arms.

So when the world turned around and in came a people dressed in wool and speaking not her language; but who oppressed man and vaguely favored the girl child, we smiled.

No, the woman smiled. Wryly.

Wryly, because, as she came to realize, not all of us wanted her free.

Some still wanted - and still demand even today - the services of the slave woman. They demanded to have their slaves back...

Some still wanted to misuse her freedom. Not to fight and bleed for it but to eat it.

Some still wanted to continue enjoying her pain. To bathe, busk and oil themselves in it.

Some still thought (and think even today), "She is lesser than us. Let her kneel as we walk..." They wanted her as an elephant would want the ground. They wanted her as the hen would want her dough.

Some still made merry at the oppression of the girl child and the woman.

Even now, even today, some hide in religion - that good thing that civilization fetched us - to justify their wickedness against the girl child.

Some hide in traditions. Some in intellectualism. Some in capitalism. Some in sexism. Some in uncontrolled narcissism. Some in aberrated philosophies.

All to the sounding of the drums of her oppression.

But the woman - that voice that speaks so firmly yet regarded so lowly - has not turned to dust yet.

Not yet. Not just yet.

She still fights. She still resiliently stages her defense against these devils.

Even when her fighting is silenced, she still fights on.

She fights on because she knows that it is a woman that opens the eyes of the world to infinite possibilities. It is the woman.

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See, when I look at my mom, a woman, the woman - all she is in her countenance - I tend to think that this is the reason she has fought so many wars to get us to where we are.

Wait, you have to get it right.

My mom (and probably yours) got married in a generation when the so-called affirmative action had not even opened its eyes. When people still thought rights and equality are the same thing. Days when the so-called human rights or women rights were still toddlers - still begging for a feeding here and a feeding there, and of course, from time to time, naturally oversleeping.

She was still a girl then. (I saw her photo somewhere, and daaaaamn, she was beautiful.)

Then she picked up on a task she had only been hearing about. Gave birth to five of us. And we've given her hell for a while. But we are who we are today because through her hands, God molded us.

Nothing can compare to who she is to me. To us.

She is irreplaceable.

Listen. 

No one tolerates and yet loves a child so deeply like the mother does.

No one assures the child that it's all gonna be okay like the mother does. No one spanks a child like a mother - hard but soothingly. 

There may be bad mothers out there - bad women - but their tenderness towards their children is unequaled...

And for all this plus more, I choose to celebrate her. To celebrate women.

I choose to celebrate my mom and every other woman in my life.

Every girl, every lady, every mother, every wife. Every woman.

I celebrate you all.

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Woman, you are special.

You're petty, but you are special. Petty but unique. You have a pettiness that makes you special.

We may shun at your fastidious obsession with detail, but you're special.

I celebrate your love for color; just how you are obsessed with seeing every tiny color in its rightful place amazes me. (Like you all decided to "paint it purple" this year during the #MakeItHappen celebrations.)

I celebrate your vigilance. You fight for what is right and good for the children you've born and the people you love without looking back.

I celebrate your tolerance. Yes you can forgive the many sins we men commit so endlessly so many times, but when venting, your wrath knows no end.

I celebrate your resilience and grace. You always bounce back. Always. You smile in the midst of storms, and waves make you stand stronger.

I celebrate your kindness and gentleness. Your hands have forged the paths of many. Without your tenderness, the world would be a sea of wars.

I celebrate your ability to enjoy pain, the pain of giving birth.

I celebrate your selflessness. Just how you'd rather go hungry than suffer your children lack education is a sacrifice we all cannot explain.

I celebrate your strength. That you're called weak yet you're the helper - the support we lean on.

I celebrate your fervency in prayer and service to God; there ain't nobody as dedicated to the Lord as a woman!!

I celebrate your intuition and wisdom. Our homes would be doomed if it were not for your ability to clearly see the future ad to plan it.

I celebrate your weaknesses; because they never hold you back from being all you can be.

I celebrate your sacrifice; it has opened the doors of our eyes to endless possibilities.

I celebrate your love; there ain't nothing like the love of a woman.

Even the good Lord said it: he who finds a wife (a woman) finds a good thing.

I celebrate your madness; it brings the world to sanity.

You keep on fighting even when all is lost.

You die pursuing the best for those around you.

You live longer because you give too much.

You die all the time that others may live.

Although you are not perfect, you're imperfectly awesome.

You can't stop talking and asking and worrying and thinking and planning and tossing forth, bringing hither and taking thither.

You won't stop loving...

You won't stop opening the eyes of the world to infinite possibilities.

I don't know how you do it.

I really don't know how you do it.

Maybe the angels are sent to help you.

Maybe the Lord Himself comes down from the heavens to make your weak selves much stronger than ours.

But I celebrate you anyway.

Yes, when all has been folded, we still need you to unfold it... 

The world still needs you woman. It will always need you.

And I celebrate you.

I salute you.

Bonface Morris.