Relationship Blues Part 1: Do You Really Want that Breakup?

Relationship Blues: Do you really want that breakup?

There are actually a couple of times when people in relationships don't feel like being in those relationships. I've felt it myself, a number of times.

I bet people in marriages feel the same way a couple of times too - they just never talk about it. (Thank you married people for doing such a good work at hiding the difficulties in marriage. The Lord should really be smiling at y'all. No?)

As for me, I tend to think it is normal. I think it is normal to sometimes not want to be in the whole work that relationships are sometimes (that's the one thing single people should always take advantage of by the way - that the only person they can run away from is themselves, which isn't possible anyway.) 

Also, not all relationships are meant to work out. 

Relationships are beautiful, but they need work: time, sacrifice, commitment, humility... [REPEAT]. The challenge is that these attributes - plus many others - don't seem come in good supply nowadays. This causes people to want a break: either for good or for a while.

What I am trying to say is this: when you are in a place in your relationship where you feel like you should just be left alone, you ought to think about it in two ways; do I really want to quit or do I just need a break? 

This is because not every feeling of lack of interest in a relationship has the same clear answer: a clear "yes" or a clear "no". With this is mind, let us consider a few scenarios where someone is doubting whether the relationship needs work or quitting. They may need to look at their relationship and ask the following questions;

1. Do I see a future in this relationship? Am I excited about the future of this relationship? 

2. Is my lack of interest in this relationship genuine or artificial? Is my lack of interest real? 

3. Is there a possibility that it has been triggered by an affair? Is either of us having an affair? Do I have genuine proof? 

4. Is it my fault or the other person's: is there a commitment problem in this relationship? 

5. Have I become so dependent on the other person until he/she has replaced God in my life? 

6. Is this relationship manipulative? Is my partner taking advantage of me and my weaknesses? 

7. Is there violence and lack of respect in this relationship? 

8. None of us is willing to change concerning any matter that needs discussion and the other person's consent. 

9. Is this relationship making us drift further away from God through unrepented sin? Is there a sin in this relationship that has become habitual and normal? 

10. One or both of us are completely uncommitted in making the relationship work. 

If someone answers "yes" to more than five questions above, they may really need to consider quitting. Those are real red flags. 

But if someone answers "yes" to only three (or less) of the above issues, they may just need a short break that is mutually agreed upon by both of them in the relationship (which is a very healthy thing by the way as I'll explain in the last part of this blog). 

In such a case, here is how I can help you; 

1. Ask permission to be given sometime alone for introspection.
An emotionally healthy partner will have no problem giving you some time to be alone so long us it will benefit the relationship. This is not a breakup, it is simply allowing each other to refuel. 

2. Talk about it.
Talk to your partner about your disinterest and where the relationship is headed. Talk about what is causing you to drift away. It may be something that can be resolved by a few tiny decisions between the two of you. Don't make the big leap before the talk. 

3. Seek counsel from a trusted person.
Yes, the world is filled with hypocrites - including you and I - but as part of good decision-making, experts reiterate that involving a trusted third party will help you make decisions that are not fueled by emotions but that are fact-based and constructive. A trusted person will show you whether you really need a break, a breakup or you're simply into immature venting. And truly speaking, there is always someone you can trust. Talk to them about it. 

4. It will be hard, I promise.
Putting away someone you've known for a while in order to focus on yourself and on the best way forward for the relationship is not easy. Really. Therefore, you really need to be emotionally mature and psychologically prepared in order to deal with it. If not, this whole thing will be one of the biggest mistakes you've ever made in your life. 

5. Remember that in most cases, what you need is a break, not a breakup.
I've been there and this is what I can tell you: you cannot solve your every relationship problem with a breakup. That's not mature. You may need to consider lighter avenues of solving conflicts instead of running away from them. 

In conclusion, I can say that breaks in relationships are very important for the following reasons;

1. They help both parties to "clear their heads".
When two people take time away from each other, they are able to analyze problems and make choices without emotional influence or breakdown. It is a good way to figure out what exactly is wrong and work on it with clear heads. 

2. It helps in personal "refueling" and relationship rejuvenation.
Every journey needs a work through; emotional stability, counting costs along the way and being ready to meet them. Some time alone will help both of you "refuel". So long as you agree on how long you need the break and how you'll relate during the break, it will be okay. That's why we're calling it a break, not a breakup. 

3. Breaks can help break cycles of sin.
If you keep sinning sexually or emotionally or thought-wise, a break will be the best thing for you. 30 days minimum. Take time to reflect, to refocus, to break away from the sinful cycle of lust by seeking help from the Spirit of God. Minimum contact is required during such times.Maybe that's what your relationship needs in order to be godly again.

Note: You cannot break a bad relationship habit under the same conditions that created it. That's why you may just need to consider a break in order to break your cycle of bad habits.

Till next time,

Bonface Morris.

Sweet Becomes Sour: When a Breakup Is THE Scar You Have to Deal With

By Alice Ogutu

Side note: My bae will be sharing a few of her lessons and experiences on this blog from time to time. I’m letting her have this space to do so. I am sure these experiences will benefit all of us. Ukiona amekujenga sana (hehe), you may say so to her here on her Facebook or here on her Google+ to appreciate her writing. (But one sad thing is that she actually visits Facebook kinda once in a month, haha... But she'll respond to your Google+ message within the day). Also, if the above methods seem unsuitable to you, you may just drop a comment below the post (if necessary) and she’ll appreciate it.

So here goes…

*******

Sweet becomes sour: dealing with relationship breakups

I weep from heartbreak every time I hear of this. It’s never an easy thing to hear, especially when it happens to someone close. 

Loving someone and being loved back is the sweetest and best experience one can ever hope to have. With loving comes the risk of being hurt and disappointed, but this doesn't mean we should not love. Imagine how much God loves us yet we hurt Him every waking second; yet this has not made Him stop loving or caring for us. He loves us no matter what. Some of us love Him back because we have come to know and appreciate Him, while some don’t love Him because they have not come know Him for who He really is - they only hear of and about Him is sketchy ways.

When we decide to love someone, we always have some expectations from them, we want to be vulnerable but are afraid of the ‘what ifs’, the ‘buts’ and the ‘maybes’, so we tend to just give a part and not all of it.

I understand the pain that one feels when they are lied to by a person they trust and love, someone they gave their hearts to. I understand because I have been on both sides of this coin. I have lied and betrayed before and the same has happened to me in equal measures.

This is really hard for me to talk about but I will because I am not going to allow the enemy to take this chance from those who need to hear what I have to say. I won’t give him the pleasure or the satisfaction to see me drown in my guilt or pain of the past, because right now I am free, Jesus has made me free: He told me that when I repent and confess my sins, admit my guilt and ask for forgiveness sincerely and remorsefully then He will not count them against me, He will cast them far away just as the East is from the West.

God is a father, and I know this. The point is, most of us don’t have this connection with our parents making it difficult to have the same connection with God; so we wholly trust in the partners who come into our lives, thus when we are hurt, the pain clouds our minds and we might do despicable things to those around us and even to ourselves.

Let’s talk about what to do when you’ve been hurt or betrayed (the sweet becomes sour) and when your heart/trust is broken and forgiveness is the last thing you wanna do.

Have a look at this scenario; 
You are with this person whom you adore, they mean the whole world to you. You have given your whole to them. One day, you hear rumors spreading around about whom they’ve been seen with at the shopping centers or other public places. You get worried and wonder if these rumors are true, you ask and you just get a brush answer from them. So you let it slide because you know that they can never do such a thing to you.

Then on this one occasion, you actually see them with the same person, and how they act raises a lot of questions in your mind, turns out you actually know this ‘friend’. Now you’re pissed and decide to leave the place. Later on, the person you love tells you the whole story, how they have been helping this friend with a few issues and how things escalated, and how they tried to avoid all their approaches but in the end gave in because “they are just human”. At this point their betrayal is so much for you to handle, and you don’t even want to see them or be near them. So what should you do in such a case?

When you’re the one who has been betrayed, it doesn’t matter whether you’re a lady or a guy, the pain and the experience are the same. The only difference is how you handle it, and what kind of a relationship you were in.

Now, I’ll not speak of those who are used to being abused, or being lied to, or to those who always let their beloved off the hook even when they are on the wrong (we will talk about this some other day); I am going to talk to those who are in a relationship like mine. 

I think I’ll have to describe to you my relationship. I’ll try as much as possible not to just give you the good bit of it but also the bad: I’ll give you both because no relationship is ever a sweet and smooth ride all along.

Am writing this with the approval of my beloved. Our relationship is one of a kind, you know, the kind I’ve always dreamt of having given that my first really broke me up, and made me not to trust men. But then my bae came along, he is such a gentleman, I guess that is what caught my eye at first, he was always mindful of others and ready to help if it was within his capabilities. So when I fell for him, a part of me wanted to believe that he would treat me right and not like the previous guy. I was hurt with the thought of being in another relationship but he was patient, and he loved me all the same.

But things got messy, I fell into temptation after an argument with him, I betrayed him and then concealed the fact that I did. It was so difficult to carry the guilt because as time passed, I loved him more, and I was afraid of what would be when he came to know of the truth. This guilt put a strain in our relationship and other challenges just built up. I didn’t talk to him about it, till one day he asked me for a break to mend our relationship by mending myself.

During this time, I reconciled with God and I realized that I was not only drifting from my boyfriend but also from God, and this hurt me more. So I decided to work on it, do all I can to be right with God, and am happy to say that God was faithful, and He became the father and friend I desperately needed. He helped me overcome my guilt, sorrow, shame, pain and also showed me how to love just as He loves me.

I got the strength to confess of my transgressions to my boyfriend and asked for his forgiveness and a chance to mend our relationship. I knew that he would be hurt with the truth but I was ready to accept the decision he would have made pertaining us, if he wanted to walk away I was ready to let him go. And if he wanted to stay I was ready to love him and allow myself to grow with him.

Till date I thank God for giving me a guy who loves Him and is ready to obey Him. God said that we should forgive as Christ forgave us, we should love as Christ loves us, and we should give each other an opportunity to live without guilt in our lives. I have experienced that. 

Now, I know you may be saying that my story is too good to be true, but it is not, this is exactly what happened. I wrote it to prove that I have seen both sides of the coin of betrayal: I have been betrayed, and I have also betrayed; so whatever I share below is my personal experience of how you can deal with a breakup or with betrayal;

1.    Be ready to forgive

Whether the relationship will continue or not, people need to forgive each other. I say this because I know that not all will recover from such a betrayal. It usually doesn’t matter whether the mistake seems small or big in your eyes, you should be ready to give forgiveness. Why? Because God commands it from us (Matthew 6:14-15.) This should be done sincerely and honestly. This action shows that you have accepted what happened and are ready to move on. I understand that it won’t be easy but remember that with God all things are possible for He is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all we could ever think or imagine.

2.    Forgive yourself

This is usually the hardest thing, take it from me. I know how that feels. But if you put your heart and mind to it, then you will do it. What I know is that whether you are the one who is hurt or who has hurt someone, without forgiveness you cannot move past the mistake or experience. You need love, courage, understanding and trust. These can only be amply achieved through being at peace with yourself and setting yourself free from the guilt that may be haunting you (that’s what “forgive yourself” actually stands for.) Whether your relationship will come to an end or you will find the strength to move past it altogether, setting yourself free from regret and pity is a very practical step in healing. 

3.    Talk to someone… and talk to God

In our lives, we have at least one person who is our listening board. They may be a person, or it may be God. They are there because they are our friends and we talk to them with a lot of ease about most of the things happening in our lives. Whoever this person may be, talk to them about what you're going through, about how the betrayal makes you feel, and what the pain you're feeling makes you want to do. I say this because this person will think clearly for you and help you see that which you're blinded to due to the anger you may be harboring. I didn't trust myself completely, I couldn't pray, I felt like it was all over for me and the pain was too much. But I had a friend, a Christian one. He helped me, listened to me, prayed for and with me until I was able to move on past it. It even has reached a point where I can now look at my ex without hurting and without bitterness.

4.    Don't blame yourself

Blaming yourself is very dangerous. Looking back, I realize that if I didn't have the help of my Father (God), it is unimaginable where I would be right now. I was so depressed and thought that my ex treated me the way he did because I was not enough (yeah, that’s always an issue with us ladies, no?). My self-esteem was at ‘2’ (on a scale of 1 to 10.) I sallied in self-pity, and blamed myself for everything that had happened. I had to start from scratch to build myself up again, to love myself. God reminded me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and with Him I got through it all.

Right now, I am happy and in a new and different relationship. I am free to love God and myself. I am confident in the person I have become and I am grateful for the experience/s I have had. In all this, the lesson I have learnt is to never forget that God is ready to be with us through the sweet and through the sour.

Until next time,

Alice Ogutu.

Love’s Shades of Black and White Pt. 3: Relationships, Love and Unity

Relationships, love and unity

I overheard someone I respect say this on Twitter, (and I paraphrase): “Relationships and marriage are all about unity than they are about love [Period] Both only work under given principles and none of those principles are absolutely exclusive because love only works to make them efficient…”

Side note: Allow me to be absolutely sincere with you on this one…

The statement above made me (because I love being a-down-to-earth-kind-of-lad) sit down and look deeper into the words; while at the same time analyzing the causes of failed relationships. 

I remembered what my dad once taught me that: a man only gains sanity through using his mind to sail through his failures and picking out what went wrong together with what went right and [somehow] why it went wrong and how it went right… (well done , old man)...

I sat there thinking of all the possibilities there could ever that can make that statement true.  Things like “what really makes a relationship work?” and “Does love really matter, or is it just a catalyst to what already exists between two people!?” and “Do all relationships really fall apart due to lack of love, or is it caused by something else?”… ran through my mind.

As I sat there, I realized that what most people call “love” in relationships is never love at all. Okay, it may be love but I realized that it is normally but a mixture of so many things – many things that are in agreement in order to make sense to the other person and for that person to interpret them as “love”.

Side note: Last year’s blog post titled “Of Love and Falling in Love” may help you in understanding this.

Actions that show or constitute “love” (refer to the blog above) are what when denied of or when shown to someone tend to describe feelings of “not being loved”, “being loved”, "being loved a little" or "pretending to be in love"; and mostly when these actions intermarry/intermingle and are united by a person who is directing them consistently towards another, they can end up being interpreted as “love”. 

Okay, I will explain…

Affection, tenderness, respect, compliments, support, sex (to the married), gifts, romantic actions, financial support… bla bla bla… are some of the actions that a person will always think (and agree with me) that they deserve when in love, right? Okay. What if those actions are denied or transferred to another person in the conceived existence of the first party? Maybe the resulting notion will be that “I am not loved anymore!” or “I have been betrayed…!”, right?
Love, therefore, in such a scenario is not what is lacking but the actions thereof…the so-called consolidated actions that show love… But that is not my argument in total; and I’m neither being cynical nor impractical...

I don’t put away the necessity of love in a relationship. I don’t do that because love puts together too many things between two people that grew up in totally different contexts. I just argue that love can lack in a relationship and that relationship will still be good enough… it will still make sense…


I used to be of a view that Love, yeah that thing called love, is the main constituent in a working relationship and a later abounding marriage. I used to think so because I THOUGHT SO… but not justifiably so… 

I used to side with most ladies (and I am not saying that I now don’t) when it came to the fact that men are not emotional enough and that they don’t care enough… or that they don’t fall in love…This changed when I realized that men DO fall in love… but in a rather guttish way. Theirs is more of a mind and gut issue than it is a heart issue. I realized that I was wrong all along to expect men (not all men actually) to take love as the peg upon which ALL their relationships hang upon (this, I think, is the mistake most ladies make - thinking that relationships hang on love). 

So after realizing all this, it made me to say, "It is one thing to fall in love, while it is altogether another thing to keep on loving someone…” 

Think about that, just for a moment.

What is foundational is this: love will neither give you the respect you crave for in a relationship, nor all those things that add up to make a relationship work; but love, at any given time, will hold two different opinions together if those two opinions would wish for unity.

90% of people who have had genuine relationships will tell you that love was not what pulled them to each other, but rather a package of actions from the other person that made them appealing to their like. I don’t believe there is something like “love at first sight” but rather “attraction at first sight” (and attraction doesn’t have to be sexual... because sexual attraction is lust).

As a relationship grows, moving from one phase to another, (and this happens to every relationship that has a sense of direction) matters arise that call for action - real action and not “love action”… Disagreements, disrespect, violence and so on are some of the things that overwhelm the power of love… (so to say) and Love just somehow refuses to conquer over such! Love may help in tolerating a behavior in someone, but it never solves disagreement(s) or disrespect or financial issues or disease/sickness… It only helps to deal with these issues at hand in a more conscious and understanding way, but never solves any of them… 

Quote: People can love each other but fail to agree – and it can be as always as the sun rises from the East and sets in the West…

Love can be present in a relationship, but minus unity, it becomes weak and useless… And whenever this happens, a separation or a divorce or a breakup lingers in that partnership.

You may ask, “What really breaks (or brings down) relationships or marriages that were once figured as 'unshakeable'? And I will answer back, “There is nothing that is unshakable except for the things that concern the Heaven of God. Putting that in mind, the lack of better and workable conflict management or resolution mechanisms mixed with pride from both or either of the concerned parties will make any 'stong' relationship to come to its knees…”

That is to tell you that unless people in a relationship (or a marriage) work on their differences and lack of unity, love will NEVER be enough to make them stand the test of time. If people can learn on how to amicably solve all their differences, love may not be needed for any relationship(s) or marriage(s) to survive. No wonder we have always heard most elderly people around us say, “I didn’t love them (referring to their spouse) by the time I was getting married to them, but along the way, I learnt to live with them and they learnt to live with me… and it has worked… to the point that I now have come to love them…”

It is weird, but it is true.

Quote: Love grows to maturity. Love grows to bring in unity in a relationship. Mature love unifies.

Quote: Lack of unity (or agreement) in a relationship(s) (and not majorly the lack of love) is the god of most separations, divorces and breakups…

And I am not saying that two separate people can always agree, no; but that they have to agree in order to make a relationship or a marriage work. That is why the Bible says that men should love and honor (or respect) their wives as Christ loves the Church (which means men should love their wives in a manner that makes the Head - who is Christ and in this case, the man - to be in unison or in unity or in agreement with the body - who is the Church and in this case, the wife); while the woman is to respect and submit to her husband…and respect together with submission have an accent and order of unity in them…

Issues that bring disagreements and conflict like finances/money (its availability, management and use), lack of support (commitment and responsiveness on the side of the man/husband; and encouragement and affirmation on the part of the woman/lady/wife), a solemnness to faithfulness and honesty (from both sides), children, education and career choice… can only be solved when that so-called love is proved through agreement…

Final quote: Minus unity, love is empty…

I hope you now get my point.

Bonface Morris.