A Boyfriend, a Girlfriend, Christ and Everything Else

Note: This is my third blog from a series of posts this year celebrating February as “the month of love”. You can read the first blog here: Relationships – Is Grass Always Greener On the Other Side? and the second one here: Relationships and Short Stories: Thirty Dates, One Truth

And, later, read the last blog in this series here: Rhetoric: Love Is...

A boyfriend, a girlfriend, Christ and everything else.

Common sense tells me that every relationship has expectations. That is what I have always known. I don't know about you, but I always think that everyone comes into a relationship expecting something from the other person. 

From what I have gathered, I have found it true that people in relationships may pretend and mutter that "I love you baby, that is all the matters" but after they have loved someone and gotten used to it, it always goes down to, "Baby, [if] you really love me, you should be doing this and that for me..." 

I haven't met any two people in a relationship whose lives have not gone down that path after a while. We all seem to end up somewhere on that avenue where we begin expecting stuff to be done to/for us. 

In most cases, these mutterings - these unearthing expectations - may come down to pettiness, but it happens. And I now have come to a conclusion that it is normal. If we are able to expect something from the loyalty animals offer us, I think someone in love expecting something from their beloved is not worth a downplay. It is normal.

There is something you also come to notice when looking at why/what two people in a relationship are expecting from each other: that the presesence of expectations also means that someone is demanding that the other should play a specific role or set of roles within the relationship. (Come on people, I hear marriages operate in the same way too.)

This set of roles lead to responsibilities which in turn become a sense or level of commitment one has towards the other person. The main problem is when these expectations either flare signs of too much neediness or want to throw in augmentations of manipulation. But mutual responsiveness to each other's needs is what I am saying is here to stay. Expecting certain acts from either side of a relationship is normal. 

I am saying this because even Jesus - the very epitome of love and how it should be done - expects something out of his bride, the Church. Now, I am not trying to say that our boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are equal to Christ and His Church. No. The only relationship that can be compared to that one (of Christ and the Church) is marriage (Matthew 25:1-13). But I am saying that His example is the best as far as expectations and relationships are concerned.

Now, when one is in love, it is likely that their minds would not want to imagine that there would be quarrels amongst two people (especially themselves) on why/how/when/what should be done or what should be expected. Some people come into relationships expecting nothing but love. It may be possible that they are imagining of not wanting anything more than a kiss or two and words of affirmation from the other person. That is okay. These are the first stages of love: being smitten to the extent of not wanting to think with your mind. (But even these "common" and "negligible" needs are still expectations). 

As relationships progress from one stage to another, needs arise. And as it always is, all needs always call for action. And any action taken after realizing a need is always a reaction to meet a given expectation (now justifiably masquerading as a need.) I am saying this because, right then, everyone starts demanding something from the other person. Everyone starts becoming "petty". (It is viewed as pettiness because it was not existing before. It was once vivid, but now it is real.) And there may crop accusations that people are not being "loved enough" anymore (I've talked about this before on this blog) because they are being denied certain "rights" or opinions to issues. When keen observations are made, you will find out that what each party is now demanding for from the other party are solid "rights" and this concisely escalates into blunt expressions of disgust and contempt when these expectations are not met.

This is what now happens: people start expecting to be texted a little more than before, they start expecting to be called at certain times, to be supported, to be shown acts of love, to be valued, to be respected, to be given/shown attention, to be bought gifts, to be serenaded and to be pumped up with all forms of affection. 

It becomes a certain weird arena of demands and fights. A muddle of bad blood and stale emotions. 

I realized this sometime back after young people my age started asking questions in the following forms; 

• But we are [just] dating!! Why should he/she make such demands of me? 

• Can we kiss? He/she wants us to kiss!! Why is he/she tempting me to such an extend?!! 

• He demands to touch me, or caress me, or fondle, or for us to hold hands inappropriately. I can't bear with that!! He makes me so uncomfortable!!!

• Should we hug for that long? She says it makes her feel better but it makes me uncomfortable. It makes me feel bad about myself. 

• He/she is demanding for gifts and a date every week. Can I even manage that?!!

• He/she is demanding that I visit them every weekend... I think this is too much!! Can't I even have time [just] for myself!!? 

And so forth and so on. 

I know that after reading the above questions - and I promise that this is just the tip of the whole mountain - some of you are now retorting: "Aaaah, stupid and childish games!" and I'm here to unhesitatingly tell you that "You should know people!", and, "Yes, every Christian relationship has it's own slide of pettiness and they are mostly overcrowded with aimless spiritual connotations. Deal with them as they come."

While at it, have you ever imagined that as far much as we expect "things" from our baes and it seems [just] alright, Jesus is also expecting a whole lot of things from our relationships? 

Wait-a-minute, is He? 
Yes, He is. 

That is what I am here to talk about; not our demands from our bae's (which we have already declared normal) but Jesus' expectations of us in our relationships. 

If we claim to belong to Him and our claims are not mere fallacies, then He has every right to demand a few things from us and our relationships in the same way we demand the same of others. 

Who said that Jesus doesn't care about our relationships and everything surrounding them? Well, if you think or thought so, why would He die to save the very hearts that we are using to love our baes? Isn't it because He cares about hearts and what takes place in them? These hearts can't be useless to Him who died for them. The same heart that loves Jesus is the same heart that throbs for my girlfriend. I bet you me that Jesus cares a lot about what happens in these hearts. (And, by the way, a heart that refuses to love Jesus wholly will also fail at loving other human beings wholly.)  

Because He cares about our hearts and relationships, here are a few things I've discovered He expects from us:

First, from all people in relationships, He expects that; 

1. We will maintain purity. Purity not only of the body but also of the heart and of the mind. Having sex isn't the only problem here, but that we as a whole will keep our minds, bodies and hearts to Him and for Him. 

2. We will make Him central in the relationships. Not to just think that He is central, but to truly entrust the relationship and everything in it to Him i.e. when all is well, and when everything is the devil. 

3. We would stop expecting too much of each other but put out focus on expecting everything possible from Him. Because, come on, all of us are just so kaput, broken and retarded. We are very poor at faithfully delivering anything. The only One who can fully deliver all our unreasonable expectations is Jesus. No one else. 

4. We would seek perfection in and from Him first before seeking perfection in and from anyone else. 

5. We both should love Him above our boyfriends and girlfriends. He knows that this will cause us to obey God more in every area of the relationship and stop converting our baes into gods.

Second, He expects the following of young men (me included) in relationships: 

1. To be gentle, loving, caring, supportive and forgiving towards the opposite sex. He uses the apostle Paul to command the following of us: 

1 Timothy 5:2 (NLT) "Treat the older women as you would your mother, and treat the younger women with all purity as your own sisters."

2. To love one lady only, and assure her so. Christ loves one Church, His body. He doesn't love "churches". To Christ, there are no "churches". Although many may say that this tall order belongs to marriage, I would say that a strong foundation to any meaningful marriage begins with reasonable relationships. Failed relationships speak the same language as failed marriages. If a man "loves" quite a "bunch" of ladies all at once, this man is not worthy of a daughter of God. He can't love her well whose Master loves jealously. (You can quote that, haha) 

3.  To be willing to sacrifice His time and self for her. Christianity is all about laying ourselves down for others. In fact, Jesus willingly did the same for us. He demands that every Christian does the same for the other. And relationships aren't different.

John 10:17 (NLT) "The Father loves Me because I lay down My life that I may have it back again." 

John 17:19 (NLT) "And I give Myself entirely to You so they also might be entirely yours."

4. He intercedes for her. 

Jesus intercedes for the Church. He also commands that we pray for one another. Relationships are not an exception. 

James 5:16 (NIV) "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

5. He protects her and leads her in His ways. 

He does it with words. With deeds. In humility. And intentionally. With honesty. With faithfulness. By leading her to the cross of Jesus and at His feet. 

No matter what, the man shall always be expected to take the leadership role (whether in relationships or in marriage.) Christ expects us to protect our baes by not leading them to a place of intimacy if we're not expecting to make them our wives. 

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV) "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."

Third and lastly, He expects the following of the lady. He expects that; 

1. She learns all the ways of a Christian woman from MATURE Christian women so that in the near future she may understand how to support her man, praise her man, submit to her man cheer her husband and lay down her life for her man. 

Titus 2:3 (ESV) "Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good and so train the young women to love their husbands and children."

2.  That as the weaker vessel, she learns to be led. 
Jesus says that women are the weaker vessel (not 'weak' but 'the weaker vessel' - there is a difference). It doesn't really matter what the present culture says, but Christ says so. If the guy isn't leading, ask him to, and also pray that he will learn to lead. 

Note: The point of leadership in relationships differs from that in marriage. Here, leadership is not the "you lead and I submit" type, but the "you lead and we seek Christ for direction" type. 

3. She possess a humble and gentle spirit.

I know someone would want me to quote a verse from 1 Peter 3 that applies to married women, but I won't. Although it is a great verse. But I'll quote the following verse: 

Philippians 4:5 (NIV) "Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near."

Gentleness has a way of revealing the Jesus in you ladies. It is a firmer grip on what you value than the adornments on your body. Embrace it. 

4. She prays for her boyfriend. 

This instruction is the same as the one for the young man above about interceding for the other. 

5. She guards her heart against the futile lies of the enemy. 

Eve loved foreign words. She loved them so much that she couldn't remember exactly what God through her husband Adam had instructed her to do with that fruit. She didn't guard her heart against foreign words that seemed true and sweet at the moment but poisonous and life-threatening in the end. 

Christ expects the redeemed lady to guard her heart against finding pleasure in the sweet words and enticements of foreign love from a guy that is not her own and from friends that mean her relationship harm. He expects her to live as a new being who has been redeemed from the sins, failures and mistakes of the first woman. 


I rest my case.

Keep expecting. And know that He is expecting too.

Further reading notes for guys:

(a) 5 NOTES ON DATING FOR THE GUYS

(b) 10 Disciplines of a Godly Man

And read the last blog in this series here: Rhetoric: Love Is...

Bonface Morris. 

Of Commitment-phobes And the Proverbs 31 Woman

“All men fear commitment!”

“Oh really? Men? What men?”

“All men”

“Uh! Men are not fish. Fish is ‘all fish’, but men are one individual acting and making decisions on his own…”

“Men are all the same… just the dressing code, the shoes, the voice, the skin and the grooming tho… but they are all the same…!!”

“I said men are not fish or chicken – every man is independent in character and choices…”

“Wacha kujitetea… undhani wee ndo uko fiti?”

“Uh!”

Adrian is listening carefully to his lady friend Annabelle as she rants on and on about how men can’t just be committed to anything (at least as far as she is concerned).

He is used to it. She calls him, he answers back. She asks him the usual, “Do you have some time...?” And he responds with his usual, “Kinda…” Then she begins ranting about how men and women are so different on their outlook on life… which eventually runs down to relationships and stuff… At this moment, he is exhausted enough to only respond with grins and shins, with the rubbing of his forehead from time to time and the wiggling of his tongue in the cheeks of his mouth down to his teeth. It is this time that he is so much trying to concentrate on what she is saying. Later, after about 10 minutes or so, she thanks him and hangs up.

That girl with her postpaid thingy! Yes, whoever pays her phone bills is in eternal trouble. But she is a good friend: open-minded, assertive and easy to be around with. Throw anything at her and she’ll hold it in and know just how to throw it back or throw it away.

The above conversation is a stub from their latest chat via a phone call. She initiated the call. He rarely does. Calling people makes him uncomfortable. He’d rather just text…

They never actually agree whenever they talk. They just rant, rant, rant, laugh and disagree then after one of them has failed to justify their point of view, they disappear before boredom creeps in. In their book of relations and communication, that is how it has always flown: you don’t have to agree, but you need to make your voice heard. Talk about it. They are good friends and that is all that matters, right?

But Adrian has been doing some homework on their ongoing chat on the lack of commitment amongst both sexes in relationships. It can’t be possible that men are incessant commitment-phobes. It can’t be. It is not genetic (sex-linked or something…) It is not even related to that. You can’t say “all men are commitment-phobes” without the evidence that ALL men have fallen short of commitment as far as anything is concerned… What about women? How many can say that they are truly committed to anything? At all? Commitment is not gender-inclined. It is in both sexes! He needs to make her see this. He therefore has coined a series of things to kick off his next conversation with Annabelle: Men are not afraid of commitment, they just lack the right person (or thing or cause) to commit to... and a woman of worth should strive to convince a man that he really needs her in his life in order to stir his commitment to the next level in the relationship. A man does not see the need to commit to a woman (or anything in that case) who cannot behave her age…

…………………………………..

I agree that Adrian has a point, don’t you? Someone - whether a man or a woman - is perceived in a manner worthy of his/her countenance. If all women around a man are behaving in a childish manner, why should he commit to these ‘xaxa’ lasses? Why in the whole beautiful world should he do that? In the same way, why would a woman commit to a ‘xaxa’ lad? Why should a woman worthy her salt do so?

So, in this view of things, let us address the commitment issue in relationships in two phases: phase one (where we are looking at the non-committal man) and phase two (where we address the non-committal woman) because there is a problem on both ends.

Phase 1 – The Non-committal man

There are a few reasons to why a man won’t commit.

There are the good ones;

• All females around him are ‘xaxa’ lasses 
• All females around him are not ready to settle down (party animals, always absent minded, spendthrifts and braggarts…)
• He is not yet of age (although this is never a reason enough because having a sense of commitment begins as early as when one is 15 years old.)

Then there are the stupid ones;

• He is a mommy’s boy and he therefore fears another woman taking charge over his life
• He is still fully dependent upon his parents – head to limb to toe to air (sic)
• His woman is not pushing them enough (oh, so he wanna be pushed?)
• He still wants to flirt around and play ground (stupid, huh?)

Commitment to a man is taught of him by fellow men. He learns it from the SOLID men around him. He smells it, sees it, feels it, adapts himself to it and starts speaking it as a language. (That is why it is recommended that a boy gets his mentorship from a SOLID man so that he may learn the art of manhood in his teen age…) 

If a man cannot realize that he is the leader within any given structure (a relationship in this case) and that he should therefore stop being passive, hold the mantle and show the way to go, he is not yet worthy to be called a man. (Oh, ninjas are pulling their bows and arrows on me already, I guess.) Men who fear commitment are absconding the very rule and purpose for which God created them: leadership and purpose. 

A man was created to lead. God said in the Garden of Eden, remember? The man should be the head of the activities he involves himself in (unless they involve other stipulated rules which thus require a different order of doing things). Just as Christ is the head of the Church, so the man should be the head of his relationship(s). If he doesn’t feel like he needs to lead or to get committed to a cause which drives his life and show others that he has a sense of direction, let him then not expect to be treated as a man but as a ‘xaxa’ lad.

I normally say that people had rather say that a man is proud and has a sense of direction and knows where he is headed to, than that he is aimless and without focus.

If people cannot see that a man is self driven and that his life is headed somewhere (regardless of where he is in life right now), he should not expect a focused lady to see otherwise. A man should ask people around him to confirm whether he is moving into the next level or not. He should ask to know if they think he has a vision for his life or not. He should ask them indirectly in order to get genuine answers. It is this simple: if a man cannot figure out where he would love to be in the next five years, he is still ‘xaxa’ material. Period.

Solution?... To wake up a non-committal man, all women need to learn the art of running away. Don’t think he will change unless he realizes that he has lost you. And let him know that you ran away because he has refused to grow into a SOLID man. Don’t waste your time praying for him you saved ladies. Don’t. Prayer may help but the ‘xaxaness’ and the passiveness may not vanish that fast. Run away. The earlier the better.

But this is not to mean that there are no committed men out here. No. There are a whole lot of them. It is just that they too do not tolerate ‘xaxa’ lasses...There are many young men I know who do not fear getting a focused lady. They do not get intimidated by focused ladies. They are ready to lead them into a better world (only if these women would allow them.) These men are here. They are responsible. They admit that they have their weaknesses but they move beyond them and step out of their comfort zones. These men are here, ladies. I know several. Ladies, these men are here – on this planet.

Phase 2 – The Non-committal Woman

All along, it has been thought that women love commitment. I see it a lot in saved ladies who claim to be The Proverbs 31 Woman (I’ll address this below.) I want to prove us wrong – not entirely but to some extent. I have met at least two out of 10 women I have informally asked about the question of commitment (in anything from marriage to some other business) and I have discovered that a great percentage of the 21st Century woman prefers independence to being bound to an oath (either of marriage or any form of contract, mutuality or form of understanding.) 

These statistics are also being proven by this video which was a discussion on Citizen TV's #MondaySpecialKE a few weeks ago on Youth And Commitment. Two ladies in the discussion are seen denying the possibility of them getting married due to various reasons one of them being commitment (watch the video to get their reasons.)

This indicates that it is not only men today that have a commitment problem but women too. Our mothers were proud of getting into relationships, taking care of their future husbands and later getting married; in the contrary, most women you meet today are either dreaming of eternal independence or temporal cohabitation as far as relationships and marriage are concerned.

Reason?... (genuine ones);

• All men around them are ‘xaxa’ lads 
• All men around them are not ready to settle down (party animals, mommy’s boys, always absent minded, spendthrifts and braggarts…)
• They are not yet of age (although women actually mature faster as compared to men – so by age 14 they should already be knowing what is going on with their lives – they should not necessarily be mature but seeing the world I a different way altogether…)

The lame ones include;

• She is a daddy’s girl and she therefore fears another man taking charge over her life (which has proven to be a very big problem to men today.)
• She is still a ‘xaxa’ lass – texts and chats 24 hours a day, binge eats, and binge watches movies all day long, she is a party freak, and has not yet learned what I call The Lady Code (a manner in which a lady worthy her salt carries herself)
• Her man not pushing her enough (oh, so she should be pushed?)
• Relationships and marriages don’t work nowadays so it is safer to sit on the edge than commit (whatever that is supposed to mean.)

Some of the factors a man considers while gauging a woman’s maturity and level of commitment include;

• Independence of mind and deeds - ability to be her own personal brand, and not a replica of her friends’ decisions and behavior.
• Self-driven - ability to offer support to the man and people around her without being forced or asked. (No wonder Eve was so self-driven that she drove her husband Adam into sin, while Ruth did the same to Boaz until he noticed her...)
• Ability to peg her dependence on God rather than on the man or other people.
• A personality not only built on outer looks but also on gentleness of the heart (yeah, you may now quote and add a Bible verse)

If a woman scores so low on the above, why should a man even bother to commit?

There is another issue thoough: The Proverbs 31 Woman factor which has of late become the opium of both the single and married Christian woman. Most women think that they are this woman. What? Yeah, the say it all over the place. But in reality, they are commitment-phobes who only do 20% of what is mentioned in this Proverb.

There is a certain level of commitment the Proverbs 31 Woman has that very few 21 Century women possess. I have summarized below a few things women should note from this Proverb.

Note the following;

1. (v. 10b & 11) …she is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain – she builds up trust in her man through the manner of her commitment and provision.
2. (v. 12) She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life – the message in this verse is open and evident – she adds value to the man’s life.
3. Verses 13 through verse 17 portray her as a hardworking woman who is a good planner and manager of her possessions (she works with willing hands… she brings her food from afar… she rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household… she considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard… she dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.)
4. Verses 18 and 19 portray her as outgoing and engaging, not bossy and domineering
5. Verse 20 proves that she is generous to the poor and needy and is committed to taking care of them from her own resources.
6. Verse 21 reveals that her hands offer security and beauty to her family and that this causes her man to be envied by other men in their neighborhood (a thing all men cherish). Strength and dignity are her clothing (v. 25)
7. Verse 26 through 27 portrays her as woman of wisdom and one full of kindness, one who is not idle.
8. She is praised by both her husband (man) and her children. Her works praise her. And she fears the LORD. (v.28 – v.31)

If a Christian woman (single or married) thinks that she does not have a commitment problem, she should re-read the above passage and make it a mirror for her behavior and countenance (James 1:22-25). This passage (Proverbs 31:10-31) shows us a woman who is truly committed to what she is doing. Such a woman should be the one teaching our girls on how to be SOLID women – SOLID committed women.


Side note: I guess you already are getting used to me using these two names: *Adrian and *Annabelle. I know you are smelling something there… whatever you are smelling, keep it to yourself J… ahem! But they ain’t existing in real life…

Till next time,


Bonface Morris.

I Have A Type

People interested in how I am doing - relationships-wise and generally in life - have been asking me a lot of questions of late.

These questions have been centered upon current trends in relationships and things like on-line dating (inclusive of social media hookups, stalking and WhatsApp what-nots), having "types" (which is what I am trying to address in this post) and getting the eternally evasive "Mr/Mrs Right".

These are common relationship concerns amongst people of my age, and it is obvious that we cannot (in the widest use of the word) conclusively dissolve them in a few minutes. Nope. They require time, and research, and blabbering (lots of blabbering :-)), and yeah, agreement, in order to get everyone on the same page and drive the point home. Questions on relationships are like thus... (methinks.)

So with the many questions I have been being asked, something came up: types, yeah, types. And in that discussion, we revolved around TV Shows like Tujuane (now being aired on NTV) and Are You My Type (aired on KTN).
I will give you an account of the latter.

*******************

Just the other day, @KTNKenya started airing a dating reality TV Show called "Are You My Type?". The name on its own baffled many and it somehow stirred excitement in all of us - the kind of excitement that is always common amongst middle income Kenyans when new stuff is being introduced on our TV screens. But after the show premiered, and knowing the kind of background our African culture has handed over to us, and that we have not yet fully come to terms with adopting Reality TV Shows or anything close to them, the program has not yet received placable positive feedback (at least from what I gather on various webosphere streets).

@KTNKenya's "Are You My Type?" (#KTNMyType) is aired on Saturdays from 8-9pm, EAT.

Nevertheless, I think the TV Show (or program depending on what you think of it) is still achieving it's goal: bringing in discussions on relationships and dating and whether we can boldly and openly give a portrait of a specific person and the traits we would want to have in a partner or not. It has led to many of us pretending that "we don't have a type" or that "we DO have a type, but it is complicated", and others maintaining that a type is overrated, yet still, others calmly saying that they Do have a type.
This post is part of those discussions.

So, anyway, what is "a type?" 
To me, a type is a preference someone has for someone of the opposite sex based on various habits, character, behavior, personality and values they find [attractive] in the other person. That is a type.

And if that is the correct definition of a type, then I guess I am right to say that we all have types. Right? We all prefer a certain people to others. We all are choosy when it comes to relationships. We would rather hang around a certain league of friends, and not others. We tend to like a certain person more because of who and what they are as perceived by us (whether objectively or impulsively), and not just because they are a person. We all have a type. 

Consider this...

Take for instance, Adrian and James. They are two friends with different tastes (another word that is used alongside a type) in women. Let's say that they both are born again Christians and that they both will have one central criterion in choosing which woman suits their world - a saved lady.

Mmmmhhh... And given that time, opportunity and chance and all the other constraining factors are put at a constant, Adrian, when asked which lady he'd prefer as his woman, will give the following description; saved (as a central factor), beautiful, homely, kind, generous, outgoing, extroverted, sensitive, intuitive and so forth and so on...
On the other hand, when asked, his friend will come up with the following qualities; saved (as a central factor), faithful, introverted, calm, obedient, thoughtful, independent...
Adrian thinks that obedient and introverted women are wimps and, er, douchebags (forgive me for that), but James reiterates that such women are supportive, warmly, encouraging and comforting (considering the kind of work he does...).
You can see that there are a few differences in the choices made by the two about a lady that each would prefer - one which fits in their world, about their type...

Also consider this...

Annabelle and Susan are good friends. They have been friends from five years of age when their families were relocated to the same town and begun living in the same estate. One almost knows what the other may want in life - including men (or so they think.) Both of them are saved ladies, and will both want a saved man (that is their central factor) for a relationship. But when asked, these BFF cannot have the same choice in what they want in that saved man, or any saved man in particular!

Annabelle prefers a man that is tall, yet to Susan, height is not a factor. Annabelle prefers a well groomed man: short hair, fashion-sensitive and savvy (not necessarily formal but cool), with good eye contact, assertive and ambitious and not necessarily wealthy but earning a living and able to take care of her and her babies (yeah, she's already thinking of marriage :-)); but her friend on the other hand prefers a laid back man, well-groomed (and specifically one that loves suits and is formal in his dressing code), educated, ambitious and one who can literally "spoil her with goodies" (wealthy). Annabelle thinks that wealthy men are insensitive, loud-mouthed and braggarts, while her friend denies it and says that such men offer security both to her and to the future family...
The two friends differ in their choice of the kind of man they like.
They have types. 

A type is the key to falling in love.

After the lecture above (which actually is my distorted research), there are a few things we need to understand about having a type;

1. You have a type. He/she exists. Whether saved or not, you have a preferred type of person/spouse you want in your life and not just anyone. No one just fits in your life. No. Your relationship life revolves around picking out people with a certain balance of characteristics and values, so, yes, you have a type. Me too. :-)
2. Neither your friends nor your family conclusively know your type. They may give you suggestions and pointers, but you need to follow your heart/gut. It knows better. Like in the two illustrations above, Adrian cannot choose a lady for James, nor can James do the same for Adrian. The same goes to the ladies. One can give suggestions on what they think can suit the other but it should never be the final word. It will be catastrophic if Annabelle or either of the guys decides to put the future and worth of their relationships in their friend's hands. They'll get lost and end up regretting it in the long run. Why? Because whatever one sees in one person, is never always what the other sees in the same person... We all view and perceive people differently.
3. There are only two people that know your type: you and God, so stick to that script.
4. Sometimes, it is important to give people time. They may become your type, eventually. Don't push people away with so-called "first impressions". They may just have slipped from the norm, so give them time. Note: Remember I said sometimes... not always. Know the difference.
5. What dating (or courtship in Christian circles) does is to help one gauge the other person against various wants and needs they have. Dating/courtship is a selfish (but good way, or woreva way) of sieving amongst many people, in order to get the right type. It is a way of saying, "I am secretly interviewing you for a job, a job of taking care of me and all that I am, and I need you to fit that criterion..." :-)
6. Types are at the center of falling in love. Yes, you heard me right. We fall in love based on how other people make us feel when they are in sync with our love language (I will talk in length about the love language soon.)

Now you know you have a type, and that I have one too. Let's deal with it. We can continue living in denial -  as a way of dealing with it - or we can accept it as it is and be dealing with it too...

So, be it as it may, let's just deal with it anyway.

Until some other time,


Bonface Morris.

Twenty-Fourteen: Life, Relationships and Everything Between

Just a few days ago – a week or so, to be precise - I shared something on my end-year cum festive-season reflections in what I called "nanoreflections". If you haven't read that post, read it here.

This post is a sequel to that one and it seeks to emphasize on a few issues relevant to any new season. It is not [in any way] advice, (oh, it may be) but just a series of life-questions and views.

Apparently, I just want to talk to us, and, er, help us get into 2014 with some bits of focus and confidence, and with well-directed perceptions of life and those around us.

But before that, let me open up a little about writing, and especially writing in the festive season...

I am putting on paper [almost] everything that has been spiraling in my mind - thanks to my sticky notes and my notepad - in the few days I've been both idle and busy with celebrations. Why? I may grow mad if I don't. (Literally).

Every writer will tell you that it is "extremely normal" to feel "extremely mad" when so many words are passing through your mind and you JUST can't hold them in or put them out in time. It is even more okay to become dumb on someone trying to interfere with your thought line.

This is what happens: a certain urge to vent out thinks (things and thoughts) comes upon you, and you acquire a status of between screaming and shouting, or of between sitting and running; and a force purges from within your lungs (or from wherever within you), because your hand fails to [somehow] tap on the keyboard (or to scribble things on a piece of paper) as fast as your mind is pulling them out; and it is at this time that the heart within you thuds tremendously and your skin increases in tension, and the pumping of blood increases; because beauty is fighting to be let out but it is sticking somewhere and some of it is getting swallowed, and you don't like it...

Eventually, you feel a mixture of excitement and hysteria taking over you, like a sneeze that just won't go off... And worse it will be, if a couple of hyperactive people around you ask you questions and request that you get involved in their "fun"...

You may slightly lift your head, shift on whatever is holding your weight, stare at each one of them conspicuously and after kinda 30 seconds, say nothing at all. They may feel angry for being taken for granted, rant their most, bring out those platitudes they have of you and waste your good five minutes while trying to paint you as the-most-wicked-unsocial-and-punitive-introvert-in-the-world. You may mundanely smile back, or fracture their egotistic selves by exchanging their statements with a plain, emotionless face, and continue struggling with the speed at which words are rushing in your brain... they may even constitute to the adrenaline rush by giving you more ideas...

Oh well, lemme spare you that entire bunny droll...

So, back to our theme...

My observations this festive season have been centered on people's character and behavior. I have observed that it is character and behavior that manifests and depicts the growth of a person as interpreted by those around him/her. Also, regardless of whether you are saved or not, character and growth in life are the two things in life you cannot jump over. We all behave in a certain way and grow to a certain extent. Just differently, but we all do. If not so, we all are dead or are in the process of dying.

Now, because one of the most basic catalysts of life is behavior which intertwines itself in character and leads to a given level of growth, and that without growth we are all exposed to ridicule by redundancy and stagnation or even death itself, behavior, character and growth become the power(s) that drive life - they are the main proof of life. 
And if [at all] they do prove life, how is Twenty-Fourteen going to be with regard to these three? How are we going to trim them so that to make this year the year that marks the beginning of our treading the uncharted territory?

Let's check it out and see a few things that we may need to change in our behavior and character in order to prove our positive growth; or rather, a few things that may make our relationships with those around us more bearable in Twenty-Fourteen.

Here goes... (and I promise that this one is gonna be reaaaaaaally long)…

To all dudes:-

1.      On drinking and partying
It is thought today that the much a man drinks proves his knowledge of partying. Well, I've seen some. They call it "having fun". Fun? Yes, fun. They say drinking yourself silly is fun. And all this time, I’ve been hoping to believe (under some degree of supernatural conviction) that fun includes having hangovers, becoming broke, having a sore body, sleeping in a trench and making God sad through bad use of your body. I’ve been hoping. For a while now. I’ve not succeeded to hope enough though... But be it as it may, my mixture of hopes and observations have noted that 70% of these boys who drink themselves silly still depend on their parents. Yeah, they are just boys. Boys who have not yet learnt to earn their own money and waste it on liquor (that is if liquor is worthy wasting money on). Maybe they'll learn a few lessons then grow up later, no? Lesson learnt? A boy drinks himself silly and parties all day without a break, but a man is conscious of his indulgence, his company and about tomorrow. 
Make a decision on what you wanna be this year. A boy or a man?

2.      On lying and honesty in our relationships. 
In worldly contexts, lies are considered to be the standard measuring unit for a man – his mantra. They say that a man is wired to lie. They are stupid. (Those who say this.) Men are not wired to lie, boys are. They are boys who lie about all things in their lives. Men speak their minds. Men speak the truth, no matter how blunt and painful it may be. Men share issues, and their women help solve them; while boys lie about issues, and their girls swoon over them… So, my dear friend, are you going to be a man [of your word] or a boy full of lies? It is your choice.

3.      On being haphazard.

Someone I respect a lot once told me: Rush the much you want Morris, that is what you young people think life is all about; but come back and be certain that there are two things you can’t rush and recover; time and your age… I’ve been flipping through that advice for a while now and I’ll tell you something about it after I’m done…

With the current flip in technology, everything seems to be running too fast. Android OS versions and phones are coming out every other night. Apple is unleashing products like the wind. All sorts of things are being done to DNA. Robots are becoming more real by the day. Smart homes are becoming the envy of everyone... “So why not go with the flow?” you ask. You don’t have to, do you? If everything in this world ran at our speed and as fast as we would want it to, then everything will end up being messy. (Methinks.) Calm down. Relax. Life was never meant to be rushed. Become a man and see the big picture, rather than being the boy that runs into everything without thinking of the outcome, or without seeing the future. It’s our choice anyway…

4.      On reliability and responsibility 
One outcry I have heard from my lady friends over and over again this festive season is that 90% of we men are still boys – still piping in the drains of boyhood. Yes, you heard me right: 90% of these guys you meet and see are still boys (Ladies et al.) Ladies have been telling me that they are tired of acting as our mothers and elder sisters and at the same time being our fiancées. They are tired of our lack of commitment and playing the man in our relationships. They are tired of our lack of concern and dedication to our relationships. They are tired of us being wimps and play boys. O! They are tired of so many things. Over this season, and while interacting with several of them, they’ve insisted on one single thing: let the so-called men in their lives stop playing boys. They say this: boys play girls and have a string of them and think that females are objects of pleasure and meeting their lustful creeds; men date ladies/women, value them for who they are and plan to marry them. It is our choice guys, what we wanna be this year.

5.      On being the serious and the moody type.

I know this one is gonna catch us unawares. But seriously, who said that men should not know how to switch profiles? (And by ‘profiles’ I mean our reaction to things.) Who said so? Who said that a broke man should always avoid his lady (unless she is a girl – which I am going to address in the next part of this post) or that a “stressed” man is hell-fire? I am being told that a humorous broke man is better than a gloomy endowed man (Ladies et al.) I am also being told that a generous and charismatic man is more attractive than a stingy and moody man.

Guys, again, it is our choice this year what we wanna be.

To all ladies:-

1.      On nagging and drama.

Oh! I know something fah real: every lady and every girl has a degree of drama installed inside her by default, no matter how good they may be. After saying that (and I will allow you to make as much noise about it as you may want to), allow me to point you ladies to a certain direction. Who told you that partying and drinking yourself silly makes you attractive? Huh? Seriously ladies, and who told you that sleeping with as many men as you can’t count and surmounting drama to your name makes you famous? I know there are words like socialite that have become “fashionable” of late, thanks to the internet. Yeah, most of you think that drama and tweefs make you famous. I can see it in most people’s twitter updates. (They won’t do it on Facebook because it will betray their “decency” to their close friends and relatives). There is one point to note though ladies: Girls are drama queens. Girls flirt with every other man they meet. Girls nag all the time. Girls manipulate men. Girls complain and rarely appreciate what their men do for them. But women, yes, well-refined ladies and women, cannot exchange their dignity for cheap fame. Get it right: Women have standards, and they make these standards known. Women support their men, take care of them, are concerned about them and appreciate the little (or much) they receive from them. Women know their boundaries as far as drama, gossip and nagging are concerned. Yes, you’ve heard it, so go on and make a choice this year. 

2.      On insecurity and self image.

Sometimes real men wish that women would understand just one simple concept of attraction: beauty of the skin and a great body figure will fade away, but the greatest of beauties is the beauty of the heart and the strength in a woman’s personality. Of course a man is attracted to your outer beauty too, but he won’t be feeding on that beauty daily nor will it help him welcome friends and keep/preserve relationships that are meaningful to both of you. He will need something deeper - a great personality that matches that beauty. That’s what will keep him. So ladies, why not put more weight and attention to your character, behavior and inner countenance than spending all the time bellowing about a man who seems distant? Why should other women concern you too much if you at all take care of your personality and your man? Aki promise me that this is what you are going to work on this year. Promise me that you will worry more about your-all-round self image than those shoes or dress you don’t have. Promise me that you will not be insecure about yourself or your man when around other ladies. Promise me o sweet little beau… J

3.      On being THE woman in your man’s life

I grew up knowing that women are always in control. Blame my mother, but that is how I knew women should be. I mean, only girls lack territory. Women have their feet grounded upon their territory, and they let everyone know it. You’ve heard the story about the lioness, right? You’ve even watched it on National Geographic, right? Of how she can kick Father-Lion’s a** and those little cubs to hell when they try to bring in nonsense, right? Yeah, that’s what a woman is all about. But I am not here to imply that women should beat up their men Nyeri style, oh no! That is what girls do: beat up their men, act like tomboys, go on silent mode for a decade in repayment for small mistakes done, torch down a house… Seriously!? A woman who knows that she is in control is not a control freak to her man, but she also doesn’t tolerate nonsense from him. She goes about her business and makes him know when he oversteps boundaries. That is a real woman. A Proverbs 31 kind-of woman. Strive to become one this year.  

4.      On being an attention freak

I know that all women deserve some degree of attention – especially from their men and a few of their fellow women. It is genetic. That is okay. Your man (that is if he is a man and not a boy) should compliment you from time to time, hug you, pamper you, bla bla bla… But why boil with negative emotion(s) over him not complimenting you for a day? Seriously? Why turn down his calls just because he didn’t tell you that you were looking good when he met you in the morning? Stop being childish. Grow up this year.

5.      On independence and the fluffy affirmative action

I’ll be on point on this one: ladies, please stop competing with men this year (or nay other time for that case).

Whoever thinks that equality and equity are useless in matters to do with gender is wrong. However modern we are, or have become, God still values the status that a man should initiate leadership in the home and in relationships. I don’t deny you [ladies] holding leadership positions and owning stuff as a much as men do, that is great. But for once, just be proud that you were born a woman. We will value you as that. Don’t wish to be a man. That is becoming girly and senseless.

Yeah, that’s another one to consider this year.

I have to stop here. This can be longer than you can read, and that is not good for your reading health (nor is it for my writing health)… But, er, to add on something small but relevant: please stop replacing "s" with "x" in any of your writings this year. Leave that to teenagers. :-)

So do we choose to live like we are twenty or like we are fourteen this Twenty-Fourteen?

It is our choice to make.

Bonface Morris.