Happy Valentine's, My Love

My love, I always wonder how love works.
Really.
I thought I knew a bit about it before I got married, but after I married you, I keep on wanting to understand it.
Like I could wake up today, turn my head over and tell you, "Hey babe, I love you. Happy Valentine's!"
And you would smile.
And that smile would terrify me.

I may be tempted to think that by just saying so, it's enough.
That you'd feel you're loved.
That by saying so, everything in you would scream in the silence of understanding that I could die for you. That I could bring down a mere mountain for you.
But love keeps proving me wrong.
How well can a man REALLY tell a woman that she's loved?
Kill himself, perhaps?
*Sigh!*
Kill himself?
But after he's died who'd remain to show love?
Who would remain to declare to her and the world, "Hah! Y'all have seen that? Huh?!! I love her!! See?! See!? I loooove her!!"
Dead bodies do speak love but it's a silent, dark and gravy love.
Dead bodies die with love.

I think a woman like you would need the continuous caressing of words upon ear:
The symphony of sounds and the melody of words upon heart.
You would need me to tell you I love you.
Over and over and over and over and over and over again like an endless refrain.
Come-on, babe.
You would like it, right!?
I could write songs - because it's an art I'm conversant with - telling you sweet-somethings
You would want me to whisper it with a long hug
You would want me to hold you close in a tight embrace and probably say nothing for minutes...
Just swinging gently in silence while love dominates our hearts, bodies and minds...
You would want me to keep doing it over and over and over and over and over again
Because you ladies just never get tired of being told you're loved...

But would that make me a better lover, a better husband?
Maybe. Who knows?
But how could words alone without death to self prove that a woman is loved?
Words are sweet. I'll say them.
But my eyes and my heart are better: I'll say my words and I'll demand that you look into my eyes.
I'll demand that you look into my heart.
These two never lie.
And maybe I'll smile while at it so you see that my ka-tiny dimple. While at it.
And you'll smile back.
Then, maybe then, you'd know that my eyes and heart are only for you, my love.
The Lord has taught them not to lie.
So let it be.

Let me tell you something about what was happening inside me when I was marrying you, o little angel...
I was being selfish.
I know many men are selfish around their ladies but let me promise you that theirs is not like my kind of selfish.
My selfish is the advanced type.
The notorious type.
I say it again: yes, I was being selfish when I married you.
I wanted you for myself and for myself only.
What man wouldn't? What man wouldn't want you for himself?
But I can repent of my selfishness by twisting my desires in a different way before the Holy Throne of God Almighty;
And while whimpering in astute reverence I'd tell the Lord, "I wanted her for myself, but both of us for You"
He'll smile about it.
I know.

My selfishness also terrifies me.
Now, that's on the edge of things because in these few words, I've already mentioned two things that terrify me: your smile when I say, "I love you, darling" and my selfishness.
I really want you to understand that those two things have changed me.
Because when you smile, I melt... And when I'm selfish, I toughen up.
Yes, to be selfish enough and in a godly manner, I need to show you that I can handle my business when it comes to you.
Do you feel me?
I can't be selfish enough if I can't show you enough that you're loved and that I'm the only one that deserves you.
Well, wait-a-minute... Do I even deserve you?
O Lord, this is an overkill!

Look at me intensely here below and notice the overkill;

This was February last year.

Two months to our wedding.
I was excited about the very idea that a year back (in 2018), you had agreed to marry me.
I had done some churchboy engagement thingy which almost backfired (haha - this is a story for another day) but the sweetest of memories is that I was glad I wanted to marry you.
I wanted to marry someone I love and someone who loves me more than I love them.
Someone I'll be glad to die for because they'd be glad to die for me.
Someone who's my friend.
Someone who gets me.
Someone who doesn't tolerate my nonsense - because I got a lot of nonsense going on in and around me.
Someone who's got grit and ambition.
And guess what?
That someone was you.
That someone is you.

I knew you were special.
No! "special" is an understatement.
I know now that you're more special than I thought you were.
Your confidence and novelty amaze me.
And right there in that photo, as you folded your arms around me, that dreadlocks guy (what's his name again?) taking those photos and we moving and exchanging positions and smiling in the evening sun - that moment was unforgettable.
It is unforgettable.
That moment made me tell people "I'm going to marry her. We'll be one thing. Ukiongea ujinga kumhusu tutakosana."
I said this to the anger of many.
And I still say it again, "Mkiongea ujinga kuhusu wife yangu tutakosana".

And here we are today.
We don't want to be a "super couple", a "power couple", "couple goals" or any of that nonsense.
Not for now.
We've never wanted that.
We've never wanted the world to imagine that there's a perfectness to what we are.
That'd be a lie. And we don't love lies.
Lies don't befit something born of God.
Let's just be us. Let's do us.

We've had our moments.
We've had them all: the good, the bad, the ugly.
We don't have to prove a point.
Not to anyone. Not even to ourselves.
The journey is long, my love. The journey is long.
And you are not alone. I'm here with you. And God is with us.
Let's take one step at a time, my love. One step at a time.
I'm here with you. And the Lord is with us.
The Lord is with us.
I'll love you everyday...

Happy Valentine's, my love.

Morris 2.0

FYI, If you go to church on Sunday but love God everyday, you can as well celebrate Valentine's Day and love your partner everyday.

9 Types of Men

Listen, my son. 
Let me tell you something about men and their women, something I know that you really need to know. 

Son, after reading this, realize that how you treat your woman determines in which category you will fall.

Women are to be treated special; because the LORD GOD says they're fragile and special: beautiful and created in His own image to fulfill His purpose on earth. Son, if you think otherwise, then you don't value what God says about women, and it's almost true that you won't listen to me either. 

Son, there may be 8 types of men, but there are actually three major types in this world that I will talk about below: those who praise their women in public, those who don't praise their women in public and those who have the audacity to flatter other men's women.

What I say below concerning men has nothing to do with the character on the women in these men's lives but the intentional choice a man makes to treat his woman in a certain way in public whether his woman is a "devil" or "angel".

Son, use this critique to also evaluate how I treat my woman. Then you'll know what kind of a man I truly am. 

So here goes...

TYPE 1: MEN WHO PRAISE THEIR WOMEN IN PUBLIC 
Under this class, there are three types of men;
  
(a) Those who praise their women in public because these women are worthy of their praise. 
These are blessed men whose women's private and public lives speak the same language of integrity: they are women of valor and of great character. 
Because such a species of women are rare today, these men are truly blessed; and their praise of their women is like pouring oil on an already deserving head. 

(b) Those who praise their women in public even when these women are not worthy of their praises. 
These are men of steel. They are men who choose / decide to praise their hideous women in public because it's the right thing to do. 
Son, honor these types of men. It takes lots of grace from our good Lord to always say good things about an undeserving person. Honor them. 

(c) Those who praise their women in public because these women coarse them to do so. 
Such men, for the sake of peace, have learnt the art of beautifying sadness. 
They work under close monitoring and supervision, analysis and scrutiny from their trigger-happy women who are ready to pounce on them in the evening if they dare say a negative thing about them. 
Son, also realize that these men never ever say a negative thing about their women even when it could bring a lot of good - even just as an act of humor! 
These men are liars, son. Avoid them if you can. They are super-hypocrites! 


TYPE 2: MEN WHO DON'T PRAISE THEIR WOMEN IN PUBLIC 
Now, son, let me tell you something about the other class of men who don't praise their women in public. They are of three types too; 

(a) Those who don't praise their women in public because these women don't deserve these praises. 
These have chosen to say totally nothing good or bad about their women. Maybe it is because of the unworthiness of their women's tendencies. Or, maybe, they're just cowards. 
It doesn't matter. 
A man who never talks about his woman is either a wolf amongst sheep or the lamb itself. 

(b) Those who don't praise their women because they have never been taught that it is the good / right thing to do. 
Son, when a man has lived all his life without hearing and seeing women praised, he grows up thinking that there is nothing like praising women. 
He grows cold and incessantly unchivalrous towards women, and this is not a good thing. 
Son, women were born to hear words: they're addicted to them. So a man who has not been taught in the skills of flattering his woman because she deserves it, is likely to be read in very many bad books amongst the womenfolk. 

(c) Those who don't praise their women in public because fellow men have coarsed them to do so. 
These men, out of a high sense of egotism, think praising women in public makes a man less of who he already is. 
Son, such men think that they're better than God... Ahem... Even God praises women... See this: 
Luke 1:28 (NKJV) And having come in, the angel said to her, "Rejoice, highly favored one, the Lord is with you; blessed are you among women!"
If God is in the habit of praising women in public, son, never let these men lie to you: it is the right thing to do!

(d) Those who don't praise their women in public because they have taught themselves not to. 
Some men learn things along the way. See, life has a funny way of teaching us lessons, and we all need to learn the right things from it. 
Son, don't be such a man, who after being mistreated by other useless women, is coarsed into saying that you'll never value a woman to the extend of praising her in public. Don't. 
Don't teach yourself what will cost you the joy and happiness of your woman. 

TYPE 3: THE MOST DANGEROUS TYPE OF MEN
But son, beware of other type of men - the third type - the most dangerous type. 

(a) Men who have no women of their own but thrive on praising other men's women. 
Oh! Son, if you ever have to be any type of man at all, don't be this one! A man who hasn't accepted the responsibility of having his own woman but nonchalantly praises other women day in day out should be known as the man who empties a fuel tank when the relationship vehicle is moving. 
He crashes relationships and destroys marriages, son. Such a man, if there was any mercy in me, is better suited for the cells. 

(b) Men who have women of their own but only praise other men's women. 
Like their first brothers, these ones are adulterous men filled with lust and whose main intention is to steal other men's women. 
They are not satisfied with their own women and are not ready to commit to make their women better. 
They are greedy beasts who feast on meals they haven't prepared. 
Shut them out of your life, son! Shut them out! 

*******
Now, son, of these 9 types of men, which one do you choose to be?


Bonface Morris. 

Soulmate? What Soulmate?

A few years ago, while still squirming in my naivety, I could only believe that a person falls in love once; and with only one person. 

I was right: a person only falls in love once - but with one person at a time. 

Yes, only one person at a time. Falling in love with two people at the same time ni kuchanganyikiwa, while falling in love with even more people at the same time ni tamaa tu.  

I know that when I say a person can only fall in love with one person at a time, some of y'all who're used to messing around with the word LOVE think, "...aaah but so and so makes me feel butterflies in my stomach even when I do well know that I'm currently in a SERIOUS relationship with so-and-so!" 

Oh yes, they do. They make you feel butterflies because you are careless with your heart and are not entirely serious about the person you're currently "dating". Because if you were serious, you wouldn't tolerate such a kind of nonsensical emotional cheating. You tolerate thinking about being in a relationship with another person when you're already in a relationship because you love cheating and are not ready to pay the price that comes with true love. True love sticks with one person no matter what. 

Okay, after that short (and almost out of topic) ranting, let's move on from where I left kwa third paragraph... 

So who is a soulmate? 
The original/traditional definition of soulmate from the Merriam-Webster dictionary is;
1. a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament or 
2. a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs (ideological soulmates).

The above definitions are alright and if that's what anyone you know refers to when referring to soulmates, it sounds alright with me. 

There's nothing wrong with being in a relationship with "a person who's perfectly suited for me in temperament" or "a person who strongly resembles me in attitude and beliefs". That's a good thing. We all want that, don't we? 

In fact, God put us on earth and assigned to us in our various locations "people who perfectly suit our temperaments, attitudes and beliefs." There is nothing wrong with that. 

Acts 17:26 (ESV)
"And He (God) made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place..."

But here is where the problem creeps in with this whole soulmate issue... 

The current pop culture - which has an inherent addiction to narcissism - seems to support so much this idea of there being only ONE PERSON "who is perfectly suited to another in temperament" and whom one can have a meaningful relationship with. They call that person a soulmate too. 

Notice: 
Notice the difference between our first original definition from Merriam-Webster which refers to a soulmate as "any person who is perfectly suited for me..." and New Age/modern/pop definitions below which call a soulmate "the only person who is perfectly suited for me..."

Let's look at some popular websites that redefine who a soulmate is and how they move it away from the traditional meaning.

Note the following definitions; 

1. The Urban Dictionary follows a rather New Age definition of soulmate (somewhat scary actually). It defines a soulmate as... 
... a perfect eternal lover that fate brings into your life. They are a being or soul, an equal, deeply intertwined into your soul in a romantic way. They become your best friend, and contribute and sacrifice on your behalf. Some believe that your soulmate exists infinitely and is a manifestation of the universe's power. Your soulmate is irreplaceable. They can find your soul in our universe even if you're light years away and in another lifeform. Every soul has a soulmate that offers powerful love energy, it's an equal exchange. It is not always possible for your soulmate to spend this life time with you, there may be reasons. There are other ways your soulmate will connect with you regardless, like a guardian angel. Your soul is conjoined with theirs. Read the full definition here.

2. In this article at foreverconscious.com, the reader is likely to get confused by how these guys are trying to differentiate between a soulmate and a life partner. 
In short, their definition goes something like this: 
A soulmate is someone who is aligned with your soul and is sent to challenge, awaken and stir different parts of you in order for your soul to transcend to a higher level of consciousness and awareness. Once the lesson has been learnt, physical separation usually occurs.
A life partner is a companion, a friend, a stable and secure individual who you can lean on, trust and depend on to help you through life. There is a mutual feeling of love and respect and you are both in sync with each others needs and wants.

3. Here, (click to read) the Huffpost (yes, the Huffpost) declares the following in the first paragraphs of the article before delving later into showing us how having a soulmate feels like;
A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are.
Soulmates are the epitome of love and partnership. 
Not just anyone can fulfill you the way your soulmate can. There’s a world of a difference between your soulmate, your heart’s other half and a life partner — a person who lacks the elements to mold perfectly to you. Your soulmate makes you feel entirely whole, healed and intact, like no piece is missing from the puzzle. A life partner, on the other hand, can be a great supporter and long-time companion, but is limited in his or her capacity to enrich your spirit.

From the above modern/pop definitions, it is now indisputable that soulmates are the MOST SOUGHT AFTER THING in relationships today - especially with the notion that if you don't meet this ONE PERSON you are meant to fall in love with, your relationship life will be forever ruined, or that without them, you'll never ever ever ever ever ever reach your (relationship) life's full potential. 

People are obsessed with finding that ONE PERSON that is "fine-tuned" to their desires and liking, because modernity has fooled them into thinking that this person is their EVERYTHING. They earnestly seek for this non-existent person because they fear "missing out on the best relationship life ever."

Yes, it's true that when God created you, He had in mind a certain person that would suit you as a life partner (as we noted above), but we have no reason to think that there is only one person in the whole creation that fits that bill. Depending with how well you interact with people, you are likely to fall in love and be totally compatible with different people in different seasons of life all the time. If you open your heart wide enough, you will. 

The war of love is when you choose to stick with one person and overlook every other. Love is a choice. 

Another important thing to note as we continue with this discussion on soulmates is this: if we stick to the original, archaic definition of a soulmate, it ain't a bad thing, it's what we all need in a person we are relating with; but if we switch over to the refined modern/pop definition, a soulmate becomes a spiritual thing with New Age connotations and dangerous relationship exploration: ladies like the one in 50 Shades of Grey will stick with a violent person just because some twisted mind told them that that person was their soulmate. It almost as if someone would rather die than lose this person. That's really lame. 

And with that I'm mind, my conclusion below shows why I am against the modern definition of soulmates and why I would wish you as my reader to see this as a genuine reason to be against it too; 

1. Modern soulmates make the "lover" selfish.
If you want something this bad and this perfect, you better be perfect and ready too; and accept it when we call you selfish or self-centered. You are only thinking of yourself, and that's what selfish people do. 

2. Modern soulmates make us idolize relationships and people. 
The many characteristics given to the modern soulmate are attributes that only belong to God i.e. ability to bring wholeness and satisfaction to a person. 

3. Modern soulmates encourage manipulation in relationships.
If the so-called soulmate is discriminatory, the other party may suffer in silent. 

4. The idea of modern soulmates makes us think that love is not a choice but a staged episode in life. It lies to us that falling in love is a matter of fate. 
With soulmates, love is not an adventure full of risks and choices but a run into a limited fairyland.

5. Modern soulmates disapprove love as defined and ordained by God. 
God is love. We get to love others by loving and knowing Him and vice versa. He is the ultimate source and example of true sacrificial love. The modern soulmate puts love into an arena of fate where one can neither control the "how" or "why" of falling in love. 

6. Modern soulmate relationships are fueled by fear and lack of trust in God. 
It seems never meeting this soulmate means living in constant fear that one's love life can never be successful. 

So, friend, whenever someone talks about soulmates, be sure to ask them which one they're talking about.. 


Bonface Morris. 

25 Reasons Why I Love You

First of all, love does not demand for "a something" for it to be given. 

Nevertheless, below are things about you, my darling, that make me fall more in love with you; 

1. I love you because you are you. 
You're not trying to be someone or something else, and that's a head-turner. Being comfortable in your skin is a beautiful thing. 

2. I love you because you are beautiful. 
You are gorgeous, and that's a plus. I appreciate the good work of God in you: both in body and in soul.  

3. I love you because you are my best friend. 
Ain't nobody cooler than you. With you, I'm myself. 

4. I love you because we get mad at each other but we always find each other in the long run. 
We fight "the good fights", isn't that special? 

5. I love you because you are a strong woman. 
You've been tossed by life but Christ has helped you to always come up to the top. I don't know someone who's seen so much pain, yet with so much excitement about life. 

6. I love you because of your loyalty. 
You're loyal to me and to your friends and family; and that's a great thing. 

7. I love you because of the way you always try to help others. 
Sometimes, it amazes me how you can deny yourself so much to that others may benefit from what you give them. 

8. I love you because of how much you and I share in common together about everything. 
But mostly because we share everything about God. 

9. I love you because of those incredible beautiful big eyes.
Come on, everyone says you gat 'em, and I love 'em. (Hehe). 

10. I love you because of how you are always understanding with me even when I don't deserve it. You know my good, and you know my bad, but you still love me. I love that. 
I'm full of sh*t sometimes (yes, cherch people, I just said that) and it seems it's only you who gets it; everyone else thinks I'm perfect. Their bad. 

11. I love you because you have excellent people skills that help you light up the room. 
I think people love you for this. Who can't be attracted to the chiq that's never with mood swings? 

12. I love you because of how you always stand up for what you believe in and are not afraid to take risks. 
Your confidence and your aggressive behavior is an attraction to me. Some may think it's being b*thy, but because you do it with humility, it's perfect. 

13. I love the way you love. I love your compassion. 
Yes babe, I love the way you love. 

14. I love you because people who don't know think that this list fully describes you. It doesn't. 
I love the fact that my attempt to say what I love about you makes you smile but you know I love you for more than this. 

15. I love you because you know how to be a real grown up woman yet senselessly still growing up. 
Whenever you mix the two, baby I fall in love with you all over again. 

16. I love you for the moments when you're all cute and adorable, and when you're all charming and charismatic. 
Meeehn, I love that. 

17. I love you because of your amazing voice.
Your voice is magic babe, your voice is magic. 

18. I love you because of your intelligence. 
I am a sapiosexual, so, yeah. 

19. I love you because of your love for life and the optimism you carry yourself with. 
This world needs hope, and you're one of its agents. 

20. I love your beautiful hair... and neck... and shoulders... and your style and sense of fashion... and... 
I think you underrate it, that hair... and the fashion. You underrate them a lot. 

21. I love you because of the endless moments of excitement you bring into my life. 
I love spending my time with you. 

22. I love your uncompromising belief in God, family, and country. 
I especially love your devotion to God. A godly woman is to a man what opium is to its imbiber. 

23. I love you because you have goals and you have direction. 
I'm in love with the fact that you know where you wanna be and you will do anything to get there. That's why I support you with my knees, mind and self.  

24. I love you because of how you are always concerned about me and my well-being.
I love the fact that with you, in well taken care of. 

25. Lastly, I love you because you have your imperfections that make you a perfect human being. 
At least this reminds me that I'm dating a human being and not some "Samantha".


Quote: 
They say falling in love is an incredible thing; I say falling in love anchors your soul. 

With you I've learnt that love is a great thing, but it can as well be a treacherous master if left unguarded. 


With lots of love, 
Bonface Morris. 

Relationship Blues Part 1: Do You Really Want that Breakup?

Relationship Blues: Do you really want that breakup?

There are actually a couple of times when people in relationships don't feel like being in those relationships. I've felt it myself, a number of times.

I bet people in marriages feel the same way a couple of times too - they just never talk about it. (Thank you married people for doing such a good work at hiding the difficulties in marriage. The Lord should really be smiling at y'all. No?)

As for me, I tend to think it is normal. I think it is normal to sometimes not want to be in the whole work that relationships are sometimes (that's the one thing single people should always take advantage of by the way - that the only person they can run away from is themselves, which isn't possible anyway.) 

Also, not all relationships are meant to work out. 

Relationships are beautiful, but they need work: time, sacrifice, commitment, humility... [REPEAT]. The challenge is that these attributes - plus many others - don't seem come in good supply nowadays. This causes people to want a break: either for good or for a while.

What I am trying to say is this: when you are in a place in your relationship where you feel like you should just be left alone, you ought to think about it in two ways; do I really want to quit or do I just need a break? 

This is because not every feeling of lack of interest in a relationship has the same clear answer: a clear "yes" or a clear "no". With this is mind, let us consider a few scenarios where someone is doubting whether the relationship needs work or quitting. They may need to look at their relationship and ask the following questions;

1. Do I see a future in this relationship? Am I excited about the future of this relationship? 

2. Is my lack of interest in this relationship genuine or artificial? Is my lack of interest real? 

3. Is there a possibility that it has been triggered by an affair? Is either of us having an affair? Do I have genuine proof? 

4. Is it my fault or the other person's: is there a commitment problem in this relationship? 

5. Have I become so dependent on the other person until he/she has replaced God in my life? 

6. Is this relationship manipulative? Is my partner taking advantage of me and my weaknesses? 

7. Is there violence and lack of respect in this relationship? 

8. None of us is willing to change concerning any matter that needs discussion and the other person's consent. 

9. Is this relationship making us drift further away from God through unrepented sin? Is there a sin in this relationship that has become habitual and normal? 

10. One or both of us are completely uncommitted in making the relationship work. 

If someone answers "yes" to more than five questions above, they may really need to consider quitting. Those are real red flags. 

But if someone answers "yes" to only three (or less) of the above issues, they may just need a short break that is mutually agreed upon by both of them in the relationship (which is a very healthy thing by the way as I'll explain in the last part of this blog). 

In such a case, here is how I can help you; 

1. Ask permission to be given sometime alone for introspection.
An emotionally healthy partner will have no problem giving you some time to be alone so long us it will benefit the relationship. This is not a breakup, it is simply allowing each other to refuel. 

2. Talk about it.
Talk to your partner about your disinterest and where the relationship is headed. Talk about what is causing you to drift away. It may be something that can be resolved by a few tiny decisions between the two of you. Don't make the big leap before the talk. 

3. Seek counsel from a trusted person.
Yes, the world is filled with hypocrites - including you and I - but as part of good decision-making, experts reiterate that involving a trusted third party will help you make decisions that are not fueled by emotions but that are fact-based and constructive. A trusted person will show you whether you really need a break, a breakup or you're simply into immature venting. And truly speaking, there is always someone you can trust. Talk to them about it. 

4. It will be hard, I promise.
Putting away someone you've known for a while in order to focus on yourself and on the best way forward for the relationship is not easy. Really. Therefore, you really need to be emotionally mature and psychologically prepared in order to deal with it. If not, this whole thing will be one of the biggest mistakes you've ever made in your life. 

5. Remember that in most cases, what you need is a break, not a breakup.
I've been there and this is what I can tell you: you cannot solve your every relationship problem with a breakup. That's not mature. You may need to consider lighter avenues of solving conflicts instead of running away from them. 

In conclusion, I can say that breaks in relationships are very important for the following reasons;

1. They help both parties to "clear their heads".
When two people take time away from each other, they are able to analyze problems and make choices without emotional influence or breakdown. It is a good way to figure out what exactly is wrong and work on it with clear heads. 

2. It helps in personal "refueling" and relationship rejuvenation.
Every journey needs a work through; emotional stability, counting costs along the way and being ready to meet them. Some time alone will help both of you "refuel". So long as you agree on how long you need the break and how you'll relate during the break, it will be okay. That's why we're calling it a break, not a breakup. 

3. Breaks can help break cycles of sin.
If you keep sinning sexually or emotionally or thought-wise, a break will be the best thing for you. 30 days minimum. Take time to reflect, to refocus, to break away from the sinful cycle of lust by seeking help from the Spirit of God. Minimum contact is required during such times.Maybe that's what your relationship needs in order to be godly again.

Note: You cannot break a bad relationship habit under the same conditions that created it. That's why you may just need to consider a break in order to break your cycle of bad habits.

Till next time,

Bonface Morris.

Relationships: Unraveling Unconditional Love

Relationships: unraveling unconditional love

Whenever I hear someone say, "I want a relationship where someone will love me unconditionally", what I always seem to hear is this: I want a relationship where I'll remain unchanged as a being, where I'll make no effort to know and please the other person and where I'll continue being self-centered and uncaring.

In summary, all I hear when someone says they want a relationship (or marriage for that matter) where they will be loved unconditionally, I understand them as needing a relationship where they will remain being single.

Well, after saying this, it seems that I've already taken a stand as far as unconditional love is concerned. Judge for yourself from what I say below...

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What is unconditional love?
It is love without expectations.
It is defined as caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves.
Whether this is achievable or not, I'm still yet to understand. Here is what I am saying: I don't know if it is possible for one person to love and care about the happiness of another person without any thought for what they might get in return.

The Bible, God and unconditional love
First and foremost, the Bible reiterates that God is love and love is God: to know God is to know true love. Thus God becomes the best definer, definition and embodiment of love.

Having said that, the Bible shows God's unconditional love (unconditional in case being that we can't earn it) in this manner; look at the following Bible passages:
John 3:16 (NIV) "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son,  that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."
Ephesians 2:8-9 (NIV) 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.
Romans 3:23-24 (NIV) 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

In these Biblical passages;
(a) God is shown to love the world in its sinfulness. He did this by paying for the world's redemption Himself: the world hasn't paid for and cannot pay for God's love and gift because it is free. He gives it free of charge to anyone who would care to receive it.
(b) Salvation is free, it is not earned and that our good deeds do not help earn it so we cannot boast about it. This is where God's unconditional love comes in: that He loves us without requiring anything in return (for payment.)
(c) Our sinfulness is a testimony that we have nothing to give to God in order to remit (or take away) our guilt of sin. Therefore through something called grace (an undeserved favor from God), He extends His mercy and forgiveness to us for free.

Now, after showing us that God's love is free, the next best question to ask is this: is it unconditional? Does God "care about our happiness without any thought for what He might get for Himself in return"? I'll give us a "Yes" and "No" answer, meaning that it goes both ways.

Yes because we truly have nothing of our own to offer God to appease or please Him in exchange for His love. Everything we have belongs to him (Psalms 24:1), thus we would only be giving Him out of the abundance that comes from Him as a gift to us... And even if we would have something to offer, our sin-stained hands and hearts wouldn't be worthy of His holy presence.

And "No" because our works after salvation show that although His love is unconditional and free, the best way to appreciate it is through doing the very thing He did for us to others. Our acts of thanksgiving and appreciation as directed by His Word bring Him glory, thus making it a condition in the way we express love towards Him and others. See the following verses:-

James 2:17 (NIV) "In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
1 John 3:10, 16 (NIV) 10 This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother. 16 This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.

In the two passages, we notice something: that a deep faith in God is best proven by acts of love, and love is only made evident through various noticeable actions to God and those around us. Which therefore means love has conditions: IF someone does not love his brother or lay down his life for his brother, he is not a child of God. Love demands certain actions in order to be evident. Faith, when not accompanied by action is dead. Or we can put it this way: IF faith is not accompanied by actions that show it exists, it is not faith at all.

Side note: In John Chapter 4, worship has conditions too: if we have to claim to worship God, we need to do it in spirit and in truth. IF worship is not done in spirit and in truth, then it's either false worship or no worship at all. That's a condition.

So in this case, there are conditions when showing love to both God and fellow men. In order for love to be proved and tested to be true love, it should be patient, kind, it should not envy, it should not boast, it should not be proud, it should not be rude, it should not be self-seeking, it should not be easily angered, it should not keep a record of wrongs, it should not delight in evil but rejoice with the truth, it should always protect, always trust, always hope, always persevere and never fail. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, NIV).

Now, please pause and show me one person who doesn't expect the other person to love them in the way I have shown us above and I'll show you the one person who loves unconditionally.

Differences between the love of God and the love of men
Here are the key differences between God's love and man's love:
(a) God loves us just because He loves us but mankind loves because of a thing or two; man loves with expectations.
(b) Nothing stops God from loving us, no matter what we do or say, but man's love may cease when we stop doing things that speak to their love language.
(c) God defines love because He is love; man, in his weaknesses, is always learning how to love the way God loves.

Nevertheless, God loves us unconditionally but it does not end there, He expects us to love Him back - and there are conditions on how this should be done (as I have listed above).

Does the Bible demand that Christians love unconditionally?
Yes and No.
Jesus says, "Give and do not expect back" (Luke 6:32-35) This is at the very center of Christianity. Even the Golden Rule states almost the same thing: "love your neighbor as you love yourself." We are expected to give, love, live, serve and do everything without expecting anything in return because that is what we would want others to do for us.

But... We should also look at it this way...

Suppose two Christians are relating or are friends and each one of them is following the Golden Rule (love your neighbor as yourself), isn't it true that one expects the other to do as our Lord has instructed us, thus fulfilling the conditions of love without actually speaking it out?

When we reciprocate love, the conditions of love are met. And here are the conditions: true love is when you love another person like you love yourself or if you love your neighbor as yourself or yet still, if you do to others the very things you would love done to you, then that's true love. That is the condition of love: to love others as we love ourselves.
Therefore, love is not unconditional, so to say.

Where does the notion of unconditional love come from then?
I think the concept of unconditional love is a good concept birthed by God in His Word but it has been popularized and skewed by our present culture which is full of people who want to receive things but give nothing back. It is a culture filled with narcissism. People want too much but they don't want others to expect anything from them. And we always seem to do the same to God: we want Him to love us unconditionally, but we are not ready to commit and obey what He says.

How then do we train ourselves to love unconditionally?
Because love that is unconditional is something we grow into gradually, we should use Scripture to help see the manner in which we ought to love;
1. Love by carrying each other's burdens...
Galatians 6:2 (NIV) "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."
2. Love by and having mercy upon each other and tolerating one another.
Jude 1:22 (NIV) "Be merciful to those who doubt."
3. Love by praying for one another.
James 5:16 (NIV) "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
4. Love by thinking of others to be better than ourselves.
Philippians 2:3 (NIV) "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in hhumility, value others above yourselves."
5. Practice open-mindedness and embrace emotional maturity. Read more about open-mindedness here and about emotional maturity here. 

Conclusion
On God's love...
1. God's love is free, but His love language makes demands out of His followers. There is a way He expects them to act and behave if they have to be loving in the right way. The demands are in God's law and His Holy Spirit which He freely gives to all that accept Him. 
2. We give nothing to deserve God's love, but we have a lot to do in order to show we have received it and it's now filling us. And when we don't do as God tells us, we have not loved as He expects us to love.
3. There are no conditions to receiving God's love, but there are conditions on how to use it and experience it.
4. Unconditional love is the most perfect form of love towards which God wants us to grow. No human being has presently achieved that level of perfection in love, but we are all growing towards it.

On man's love...
1. Man's love language makes demands on what he/she expects from the other person as far as love and actions are concerned. The demands of man's love include sacrifice, commitment, affection, compliments, faithfulness, respect and support. We give nothing to receive someone's love but we have a responsibility to show them we appreciate that they love us through these various actions. 
2. When something is expected of us by fellow human beings as an act of love and we don't give it as we should, then we have not loved that person the way they deserve to be loved. 
3. There are conditions on how we receive man's love (that's why we cannot fall in love with all people at the same time) and there are also conditions on how we exhibit it. 
4. Unconditional love should not be an ultimatum, but a process. When we make it an ultimatum as far as people are concerned, we should also be ready to give out love unconditionally. 
5. Instead of people saying that they need a relationship where someone would love them unconditionally, they should instead say that they need someone who wouldn't judge them wrongly or according to their mistakes and the choices they make or have made. I think they should concentrate more on unconditional acceptance than they concentrate on unconditional love. 

Bonface Morris.

Marriage Prep: Notes And Lessons

Side Note: My girlfriend is picking out lessons and making notes from various sources (and from Scripture) on marriage. We are not claiming that she knows anything or everything (we actually know very little - and almost nothing - about marriage, so any married person reading this should get off their high horse at least for the time being), but that she is choosing to share what she is learning along the way. She is simply sharing her findings. And as I said here before, I am allowing her to have a voice on this blog and express what she is learning… If her voice becomes loud enough (read: consistent), she might just get her own blog. (Come on, a lady is gotta fly, no?)

So here is the first part of the various sentiments and lessons she's picking up along the way that she feels may help us guys in relationships. I know it is helping ours, so we guess it may add value to yours too. Also, if you haven't done it yet, please read her first blog in this series of posts here. There, you will find links to both her Facebook profile and her Google+ which you may use to say "Hi!" to her.

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Marriage prep: notes and lessons

For we young people that are called to be children and servants of our Father and of Lord Jesus Christ, relationships, courtship and marriage mean quite a lot of things to us. (By the way my boyfriend claims that the word "courtship" is highly overrated by we Christians, but that's a discussion for another day.) To some, relationships, courtship and marriage mean the whole world to them, while to others it's just another part of life.

From my observations, I have come to understand that some of us get into relationships for very selfish reasons. Mostly, these reasons do not fulfill the will of God for our lives and that is why our relationships end up being pain-zones instead of refocus-and-refreshment zones. I am not claiming that I am now perfect as far as the "why" to get into a relationship is concerned, but that I identify with these mistakes because I have made them before.

From what I am learning, most of us don’t know that relationships and marriage are a calling, a service to God, because it is through a good relationship and a good marriage that a servant of God can also carry out what is expected of them in that area of life.

I will be sharing with us the various things I am learning from various good sources about relationships and marriage. I hope that you will not see me as the expert writer but as a conduit, a channel, through which such information is being conveyed. 

First, let us review the meaning of some very important words that are going to come up in these posts;

Relationship - the dictionary definition of this word is a state of connectedness between people, especially an emotional connection.

Dating – the dictionary definition of this word is a form of regular romantic courtship between two individuals. Now, I don’t really fancy the way this word is used in secular systems because it is so selfish in itself. (Although it actually hold good meaning in and and of itself.) Most of us use it to cover our true motives which are having fun, and pretend to want to know people without the actual intention of marriage.

Marriage – the definition of this is a close and intimate union between a man and a woman.

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Now, I just came to know of this about most relationships, even the one that I was in when I was 18 years old: that they (including Christian relationships) have a tendency of not demonstrating the love of God and His will for a relationship between the opposite sexes. We have these relationships because of our selfish reasons (only wanting to receive) and our ungodly nature. I am learning that as Christians, our relationships with the opposite sex should always be with the intention of marriage. If you’re in a relationship, you are courting or are dating - whichever you like - I am learning that we better deeply rethink the real reason as to why we are doing so. 

Here is a good place to begin at when trying to figure out if we are doing the right thing or not: we should ask ourselves "Why am I in this relationship?" or "Why do I really need a relationship?"

I know with this you may say, "I have a job, I live on my own, I make good and enough money to support a family..." among many other reasons. 
All these reasons and others that you have may all be valid, and I don’t seek to dispute them, but I want to highlight those that would make me question whether I am there yet. Here are the few things that I have been told we need to have in order to consider ourselves ready for a relationship and later, marriage;

1. A personal unaided relationship with God

Men are called to be the head of the family (so I'm learning), therefore, men need to have a personal relationship with God in order to lead and love in the right way. Women too need to have a personal relationship with the Lord in order to learn the way of submission and how to love both their boyfriends and future husbands. 
This (having a personal unaided relationship with God) doesn't mean that when you get in a relationship, or you start courting or dating or when you get married that you should forget the essentials of brotherhood (having fellowship with your fellow brethren in church, going to church or praying together), but that your relationship with God should be able to stand when all these other people are not with you. This is because, even after marriage, you will still need to worship, read God's Word and pray as individuals and/or as partners. 

According to 2 Chronicles 24:1-2 and 24:17-18, let us not be like King Joash who was very enthusiastic and ready to serve God only when the priest Jehoiadah was alive. He served God to his best all the days of the priest but when Jehoiadah died, he listened to the princes of Judah and forgot the God of his fore-fathers; he even went to the extent of worshiping idols and groves.

Someone has said that if we as women do not have a good relationship with God, then how will we apply it in our relationships with our boyfriends or husbands? How will we know the roles that we have to play in the eyes of God? I am learning that we have at many times misinterpreted Scripture when it says that we should submit to our husbands (I don't have a husband yet, but you get the point). Some of us just want to apply this Scripture by twisting it to fit our selfish desires. 

2. Devotion to God’s purpose in the context of marriage

1 Peter 3:1-7, Ephesians 5:21-26

I am learning that husbands are called to be head of their homes, and to love their wives as Christ loves the church. They are called to lay down their lives for their wives. Wives are to submit to their husbands as the church submits to Lord Jesus. 
Note: You hear me talk a lot about submission because, from my studies, it seems to be the main bone of contention in marriages... (Again, married people should help us understand what this is all about.) Also, an argument I am still trying to figure and argue out is: how then do ladies and young men fulfill God's will (of love and submission) in a normal relationship between two unmarried young people? I got part of the answer here though, but I would wish married people to expound on it further.

3. Knowledge and application of Scripture

How well do we understand the Word of God and how do we interpret it and apply it in our lives? This is very crucial. Deuteronomy 17:18-20 sets an example for men and describes them as an authority influenced by God's law. 
Note: What I am also trying to wrangle with here is: does this mean that in the home it is their way or the highway?

4. To have a Christ-like character

The character of Christ is perfect, yet we are not perfect, so how do we go about being like Christ? This can be achieved through letting the Holy Spirit with His gifts and fruit transform us (Galatians 5). How will we learn to be forgiving and understanding at all times with other people as Christ was and still is with us if we don’t let God’s will to prevail? Romans 12:1-2 says that (paraphrase) when we conform to the nature and image of Christ, we change who we are and eventually what we do. 

5. Labor

A man who is not ready to work should not eat; this is what Paul teaches in 2 Thessalonians 3:10-12, so you should be ready to work and save in order to provide for your family.

Proverbs 10:5, 13:4, 13:22, 28:19, 21:17 also supports this.

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After saying that, let me also add that I have learnt that marriage is a school on its own. It's a mystery that cannot be unveiled in a few statements. We actually have known so little and have a very small revelation of what marriage actually means to God: the totality of what He thought/thinks when He creates a marriage. 

Here are the few things I have picked up concerning marriage and God's perspective on the same. God brings two people in holy matrimony for these reasons (there may be more);

1. To raise up a godly heritage for the Lord.

God has major concerns for the institution of marriage and that is why He wants His children not to go around breaking the hearts of His other children, be it His sons or daughters. In Genesis 1:28, God tells man that he should be fruitful and multiply, this mean only when we are married can we bring up children, and if we are not upholding the will of God, then how will the children grow up to be godly? 

This is also seen in Genesis 18:19, "…that he will command his children and household after him and they shall keep the way of the Lord." Though God says that we should be fruitful, we ought to do it under His will, in accordance with His Word so that we do not stray away and fulfill our own desires. So why should you commit to being in a relationship that you don’t wanna raise a godly heritage for God in marriage?

2. To demonstrate the Father’s (God's) love to His children.

John 1:12 says, "but to all who have received Him- those who believe in His name- he has given the right to become God’s children."

I am being taught that we are called to the service of our God in marriage, to demonstrate His unconditional love to His children (our spouses). The apostle John says that we are God’s children for we have accepted Him in our lives. Now, again, I pose a question: if you’re not ready to love another person as God loves them, is there a reason for you to be in that relationship?

God loved us in our sinful nature with all our imperfections and made us whole with his love, you should be ready to love the other person with all their weaknesses and faults.

3. In order to conform to the nature of Christ

Romans 8:28-29, 12:2.

Someone has taught me that the reason which we fail to see - or choose not to see - is that marriage is a calling, a service to God, and like any other calling, we have to give ourselves away so that we can be used by/of Him. This therefore means that we have to conform to the nature of Christ in order to do His will. God foreknew us, predestined us to be conformed to the image of Christ. I know you may ask how this happens; well, Jesus is patient with us, He waited for us to accept Him on our own and He did not force himself on us, likewise we should be patient, loving and caring towards others as Christ is with His church.

Final Note
Am learning this whole marriage stuff because I believe that am gonna be a wife someday, so this for me is just preparation. I want to know what God wants me to do when I’ll finally enter this covenant. I am not some “holy” person, but am working and trying to be more like Christ. I want to know my duties as a wife and my roles in my husband’s life, and who better to teach me than God Himself. Allow Him to teach you how to do it and be it.

Key Reference

Are You Ready for A Relationship? – a teaching by Paul Washer

Alice Ogutu.