Musings From My Birthday

Musings from my birthday

I don't know about you, but birthdays never really mattered to me in my early 20s. 

I used to think that people who fuss over birthdays are just being petty. Actually, I still feel that way but with a bit of salt because I have come to know people with all kinds of personalities; and I now understand why birthdays are a big deal to some and not that much of a big deal to others.

I'm older now, and I'm realizing that the older I grow, the more introspective I become. (Even so, the pettier I become.) And being introspective means having a self consciousness that never attempts to overlook my own pettiness. I have grown older, therefore I have grown pettier. And I have become more introverted than people really think I am. I only yap when I should. Isn't that what introverts do? (Haha)

I analyze statements, emotions, patterns, words, gestures, eye language, body language, silence, many words, few words, smirks... I don't overthink. No, I don't. I simply analyze. I analyze all kinds of stupid things in people. But mostly, I analyze if I really matter to them. I analyze because I want to understand people. I don't want to go around beating the air as far as people are concerned.

I analyze if I have impacted people's lives in these many years I have been in this world. I analyze my relationships. I analyze how the most important people in my life react to life changes and how they treat me in the different phases of life. I analyze how I make them feel. I analyze where their relationships with other people and with God seem to be going. 

Here is why I get deeper into the burden of understanding people and their life patterns: because, I somehow always have this Maya Angelou quote running at the back of my mind when I interact with people: "I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". 

Lemme say it again: people will never forget how you make them feel. 

I don't have to be perfect around people, I just have to make them feel something - something that will bring a change in their lives. That is my life goal.

I want it to be told that when I lived down here on earth, I at least managed to make people feel the following things:

1. Hatred

Yes. I want you to be able to hate something and hate it really well. Not to hate people, but to hate something. Hatred is the one emotion that changes everything. I want someone to be able to say, "Morris stirred up my heart to hate sex before marriage, to hate the devil, to hate sin, to hate being violent and inconsiderate, to hate being a naggard, to hate, hate and hate..."

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me hate the things that God hates."

2. Love

I want someone to arise and say, "Morris makes me feel loved and he shows me how to love people. He arouses within me the ability and passion to love. He makes me love God, love people, love the right things and love myself."

I want someone to face me and tell me: YOU TOUCH MY HEART. (Actually, someone I truly love woke up this morning and told me amongst many other beautiful words: YOU TOUCH THE HEARTS OF MANY.) 

I don't know how I touch people, but if I do touch, I hope I do touch their hearts to enable them to respond to God and to love and to be able to give it back to others.

Also, if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me love the things that God loves."

3. Included

I want people to have a feeling of inclusivity when they are around me. I want them to feel, "Morris won't leave me out of this, he's got my back. If he is there, we are all covered."

I want people to feel a sense of confidence when they think about me: to be sure of themselves. I want them to know deep down in their hearts that they are special. I don't want them to think, "Aahhh, what a selfish, egocentric, narcissistic prude!" but "Aaaah, what a selfless, generous and self-sacrificing friend."

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me to be considerate of others with the selflessness of Christ."

4. Happiness

Have I ever made you laugh? Laugh until the clouds turned into stars? Until the dark become a light before your eyes? I don't know about you, but I do make myself laugh. I am weird: so weird that I even laugh at myself.

I want it to be told that I cheer up a room. I want people to be proud that I'm coming, to expect to be happy. I want someone to say, to the glory of God, "Morris, please come. We need your laughter there. We need your laughter."

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me laugh. The joy of the Lord resides within you."

5. Think

I want to help people think. Think deeper, think wider and think with open minds. I want them to think about life down here and life through eternal eyes. 

I want them to think until they feel they are making the right choices. I want the feeling that comes out of their thoughts and choices to be a feeing of satisfaction and surety. I want it to be said of me, "Morris makes me think really hard about my life choices and where I am headed. He makes me reconsider my choices in life."

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me feel proud of the choices I made in my life in such and such an area and at such and such a time."

6. God

Forget about everything else I have just said, friends. Forget it all and just hold on to this one. This last one. Yes, this is more important than the rest. 

After all has been said and done, I want people to say of me, "He makes me feel God. He makes me draw closer to Jesus and sense His Holy Spirit. He makes me realize who I am in God." 

I want people to see, feel, touch, know, glorify, delight in, find satisfaction in, bless, magnify and acknowledge God through me. I am part of the body of Christ, so I want to help reveal Him to people. I want to be that kind of vessel that God uses to reach the masses for Himself. I don't want to be at the center of it all, I just want to be a conduit - a pathway that God uses to reach His people. That's my duty on earth, so help me God.

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a people to come to me, face me and tell me: "Morris, you make us see God, experience Him and know Him. May He bless you on our behalf." 

*******

People, don't tell these things to my grave, it won't hear you. Tell them to me right now, when I can hear it. And I know - oh yes, I know - that the same Spirit that kept Christ humble will keep me humble for the glory of God. Let us all be proud that God had a reason to bring me to your lives.

That's my legacy.

*******

PS: And whatever this blog post makes you feel, don't keep it to yourself. At least tell it to God. (Haha). 

Bonface Morris.

Relationship Blues Part 2: Understanding Conflict In Relationships

Understanding Conflict In Relationships

There is usually quite a fuss about the occurrence and the role of conflict in relationships.

Hey! If you haven't read the first part in this series of blogs, read it here: Relationship Blues Part 1: Do You Really Want that Breakup?

There is a group of us who think that healthy relationships should NEVER have conflict and so we live all our lives trying to avoid them or trying to pretend that they don't exist.

Then there are some of us who reiterate that conflict and relationships (any kind of relationship) are indispensable. We live with the gnashing reality that at they are here to stay.

Either way, conflict does exist; or at least, is thought to exist. Everywhere. It exists everywhere: in churches, in homes, in schools, in families, in institutions and organisations, in the government, within minds, in relationships... everywhere.

The only place where conflict doesn't occur is in Heaven.

This blog will seek - in a rather simple manner - to help the reader understand HOW and WHY conflict occurs in romantic relationships. Every other thing about conflict in relationships can be addressed elsewhere or in another blog, God willing.

*******

Google defines conflict as "a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one" or "an incompatibility between two or more opinions, principles, or interests." (Google App)

As in many romantic relationships (including mine), conflict exists when of one of the two people in the relationship, both of them or a third party causes a disagreement or argument or an incompatibility in opinions, principles, or interests. It may be intentional or not; and it may be an afterthought, well-calculated, premeditated or not. (Even this - the very thought of it being construed to be intentional or impromptu - may be a source of conflict.) Conflict therefore can happen to anyone, anywhere and it is known to be one of the major causes of breakups and divorce.

Most romantic relationships tackle it by either trying to avoid it or feed it. They do it in many ways as I'll show us below. But in the end, you'll realize that almost all disagreements and conflicts in relationships are due to an imbalance in three things: how each partner shows passion, intimacy and commitment to the other person in the relationship. Almost all conflict in relationships rises and falls within these three things.

It is obvious that men and women think differently about conflict and they both react differently to a given set of stimuli - stimuli in this case being conditions that bring conflict. However, without understanding that the underlying issues that cause conflict are hidden in these three (passion, intimacy and commitment) as viewed differently by both parties, it becomes harder to try and tackle conflict and the why questions that arise when conflict hits the relationship.

Take for instance an argument over money between two people in a relationship. The lady may argue that the guy is not spending enough on her, that he is stingy; or that he spends too much on himself, on his friends or on many other "useless" things and therefore ends up forgetting about her. In retaliation, the guy may either hit back at her by telling her that she doesn't really deserve it or that she never spends her money on him either or he may just keep quiet in order to avoid quarreling.  

In such a case, would you say that the underlying issue is money/finances? No. 

Why? Because how one uses money is always a matter of priority and what he cares for most. Which according to our three major causes of conflict lies between how intimate the two are (how close they are to each other and care about each other's needs) and how committed they are to making the other one happy. Money is just exposing these two loopholes in the relationship.

Even when it comes to men complaining about emotionally immature ladies and ladies complaining about irresponsible men, the underlying issues are intimacy, passion and commitment. 

Now, let us look at these three for a minute and how they seem to be what conflicts revolve around.

1. Passion
Passion is defined as determination or a deep interest in something. The lack of passion leads to at least a few of the following issues which are a major cause of conflict: absentmindedness, forgetfulness, lack of support, lack of care, diminishing agreeableness, lack of sharing about future plans for the relationship etc. People who are passionate about their relationship tend to do the opposite of what I've listed above.

2. Intimacy 
Intimacy is defined as a feeling or an atmosphere of closeness and openness towards someone else.

Conflict that comes as a lack of intimacy in a relationship is revealed in the following; lack of attention, lack of affection and acts of affection, lack of interest in one another, verbal abuse and cruel words, physical abuse, manipulation, lack of honesty, lack of knowing the other person deeply, less quality time spent together, unquenchable anger and rage, frustration, men throwing in "the man card" and women insisting on affirmative action, lack of tenderness, lack of compliments and affirmation, lack of apologizing, competition, rigidity and lack of flexibility in decision-making, lack of romance e.t.c.


3. Commitment
Commitment is defined as the trait of sincerity and focused purpose. Lack of commitment will lead to; lack of trust, disrespect, affairs/unfaithfulness, lack of exclusivity, irresponsible behavior, irresponsible use of resources and time, misuse of finances, lies, lack of keeping promises, unprecedented jealousy, jumpiness, spiritual dryness, procrastination, misplaced priorities e.t.c.

*******
We now notice that in order to understand conflict, we need to sieve through our relationship problems by categorizing them in these three groups. Maybe then we'll get a way to solve them. 

*******

That's all for now, guys.

Let's continue this talk later.


Bonface Morris.

Relationship Blues Part 1: Do You Really Want that Breakup?

Relationship Blues: Do you really want that breakup?

There are actually a couple of times when people in relationships don't feel like being in those relationships. I've felt it myself, a number of times.

I bet people in marriages feel the same way a couple of times too - they just never talk about it. (Thank you married people for doing such a good work at hiding the difficulties in marriage. The Lord should really be smiling at y'all. No?)

As for me, I tend to think it is normal. I think it is normal to sometimes not want to be in the whole work that relationships are sometimes (that's the one thing single people should always take advantage of by the way - that the only person they can run away from is themselves, which isn't possible anyway.) 

Also, not all relationships are meant to work out. 

Relationships are beautiful, but they need work: time, sacrifice, commitment, humility... [REPEAT]. The challenge is that these attributes - plus many others - don't seem come in good supply nowadays. This causes people to want a break: either for good or for a while.

What I am trying to say is this: when you are in a place in your relationship where you feel like you should just be left alone, you ought to think about it in two ways; do I really want to quit or do I just need a break? 

This is because not every feeling of lack of interest in a relationship has the same clear answer: a clear "yes" or a clear "no". With this is mind, let us consider a few scenarios where someone is doubting whether the relationship needs work or quitting. They may need to look at their relationship and ask the following questions;

1. Do I see a future in this relationship? Am I excited about the future of this relationship? 

2. Is my lack of interest in this relationship genuine or artificial? Is my lack of interest real? 

3. Is there a possibility that it has been triggered by an affair? Is either of us having an affair? Do I have genuine proof? 

4. Is it my fault or the other person's: is there a commitment problem in this relationship? 

5. Have I become so dependent on the other person until he/she has replaced God in my life? 

6. Is this relationship manipulative? Is my partner taking advantage of me and my weaknesses? 

7. Is there violence and lack of respect in this relationship? 

8. None of us is willing to change concerning any matter that needs discussion and the other person's consent. 

9. Is this relationship making us drift further away from God through unrepented sin? Is there a sin in this relationship that has become habitual and normal? 

10. One or both of us are completely uncommitted in making the relationship work. 

If someone answers "yes" to more than five questions above, they may really need to consider quitting. Those are real red flags. 

But if someone answers "yes" to only three (or less) of the above issues, they may just need a short break that is mutually agreed upon by both of them in the relationship (which is a very healthy thing by the way as I'll explain in the last part of this blog). 

In such a case, here is how I can help you; 

1. Ask permission to be given sometime alone for introspection.
An emotionally healthy partner will have no problem giving you some time to be alone so long us it will benefit the relationship. This is not a breakup, it is simply allowing each other to refuel. 

2. Talk about it.
Talk to your partner about your disinterest and where the relationship is headed. Talk about what is causing you to drift away. It may be something that can be resolved by a few tiny decisions between the two of you. Don't make the big leap before the talk. 

3. Seek counsel from a trusted person.
Yes, the world is filled with hypocrites - including you and I - but as part of good decision-making, experts reiterate that involving a trusted third party will help you make decisions that are not fueled by emotions but that are fact-based and constructive. A trusted person will show you whether you really need a break, a breakup or you're simply into immature venting. And truly speaking, there is always someone you can trust. Talk to them about it. 

4. It will be hard, I promise.
Putting away someone you've known for a while in order to focus on yourself and on the best way forward for the relationship is not easy. Really. Therefore, you really need to be emotionally mature and psychologically prepared in order to deal with it. If not, this whole thing will be one of the biggest mistakes you've ever made in your life. 

5. Remember that in most cases, what you need is a break, not a breakup.
I've been there and this is what I can tell you: you cannot solve your every relationship problem with a breakup. That's not mature. You may need to consider lighter avenues of solving conflicts instead of running away from them. 

In conclusion, I can say that breaks in relationships are very important for the following reasons;

1. They help both parties to "clear their heads".
When two people take time away from each other, they are able to analyze problems and make choices without emotional influence or breakdown. It is a good way to figure out what exactly is wrong and work on it with clear heads. 

2. It helps in personal "refueling" and relationship rejuvenation.
Every journey needs a work through; emotional stability, counting costs along the way and being ready to meet them. Some time alone will help both of you "refuel". So long as you agree on how long you need the break and how you'll relate during the break, it will be okay. That's why we're calling it a break, not a breakup. 

3. Breaks can help break cycles of sin.
If you keep sinning sexually or emotionally or thought-wise, a break will be the best thing for you. 30 days minimum. Take time to reflect, to refocus, to break away from the sinful cycle of lust by seeking help from the Spirit of God. Minimum contact is required during such times.Maybe that's what your relationship needs in order to be godly again.

Note: You cannot break a bad relationship habit under the same conditions that created it. That's why you may just need to consider a break in order to break your cycle of bad habits.

Till next time,

Bonface Morris.

Stuff I Learned and Discovered Last Year (2016 Edition)

Stuff I learned from 2016

This is a summary of my journal entries from the year 2016 in point form. 2016 was a year of deep learning for me by the way. Feel free to pick quotes from these lessons: that's what  they are for anyway.

If you may be interested in more entries from previous years, read more on what I learned in 2013 here, in 2014 here and in 2015 here.

*******

Lessons on life and personal growth

1. Sometimes you stick in the same place for a while not because you don't want to grow, but because you want others to come to where you are. At such times, you only grow inward because growth on the outside will cause an imbalance. And you don't want that.

2. If you want to know something more about the character of a mother, look at her sons. Sons almost always replicate the mannerisms of their mothers. Almost always. 

I observed a few mother-son relationships and discovered this: a boy is almost always as good or as bad as his mother.

3. Probably, one of the worst things in the world is to have a useless voice; a voice that is always sidelined and neglected. A ghost voice.

People with ghost voices are very defensive; sometimes from within but mostly it is seen in how they decide to not follow and do things with the masses.

4. Don't waste time thinking too much and worrying about tomorrow's outcome that you have no control over; instead, enjoy and work out today to your level best. At least when tomorrow comes, you'll be proud that you did your best today.

5. In 2016, I came to appreciate the importance of hard cover books; not fully though. They came in handy when power blackouts came about.

6. Everyone has an opinion on everything. Even silence, in and of itself, is an opinion.

7. You choose who to befriend. You choose who to propose to. You choose who to marry. It's your choice. The only thing you don't choose is when you'll die.

8. It seems everyone wants to be part of a great story, but very few are ready to be part of the making of that story. Always remember this: that every great thing you see took time and effort.

9. War always precedes greatness.

10. Here is the one single advice I'd give to this generation (both the young and old): listen first, react later.

11. Always know when to give up on an argument or discussion because some people just won't lose - even after realizing they are wrong.

12. Make friends with elderly people: both men and women. Tap from their wisdom on life, family and investment. It may be the best free advice you can ever receive in your whole petty life.

13. Be content with the fact that not everyone will agree with you, no matter how smart you are.

14. This is how scary wisdom has become: for every smart thing you're going to say in this world, always know that there's someone somewhere who knows a little more than you do but they have chosen to say nothing about it.

15. "Online" is now a real place: with buildings, with people, with personalities, with relationships, with cars, with jobs, with churches, with feelings, with clubs, with malls, with roads, with homes, with playgrounds... Online is a place.

16. And don't compare yourself to other people because there will always be someone who is better than you. Appreciate yourself as the best of yourself. That always works.

17. There is now the emergence of something I call "soft pride" where someone agrees that what you're telling them is the right and true thing to do but decide to do against it because they - as individuals or in the present culture they live in - think it doesn't apply to them. 

18. There are days when life requires that you simply stand still, days when you walk, days when you go sprinting, then days when life throws you in for a marathon. Never mix them up.

19. Listening to eBooks by converting them to audiobooks using a Windows Software called Balabolka happened to me last year. It made my ebook-reading life so sweet.

20. Always discern the difference between people respecting you and fearing you, between people envying you and refusing to give you support.

21. This generation is so excited about #Hashtags as if they are THE SOLUTION. They are not THE SOLUTION. They may be part of the solution, but they are not THE solution.

22. That one thing we fail at most but which is required almost everywhere, by everyone and in everything, is consistency. We lack discipline, and that is a problem.

23. The more open-minded you are, the less you judge. I wrote something on open-mindedness here.

Lessons on relationships, family and marriage

1. Relationships do not survive on love. Relationships survive on friendship, on mutual agreement and on trust. Love isn't overrated, but its role is to complement these three (friendship, mutual agreement and trust) and to ensure they smoothly work in unison.

2. I learned that most people don't talk about the real issues in relationships: finances, sex, faithfulness, work, ministry etc. They don't take real steps towards change because they think they'll change once they're married. This is one of the biggest misconceptions about marriage.

3. If you're single and you happen to meet a saved lady or guy that understands what contentment is, don't let her go before you make her yours. It's hard nowadays to get a person that isn't a gold digger, saved or not. 

4. Treat every date you have with your girlfriend as if it's your first date.

5. Things are not what they seem. Campus students, parents, Christians and everyone else should always remember this. Get the details first before making noise about something or fully appreciating anything.

6. If love to you means spending a lot of money, then you have not known love.

Lessons on leadership

1. The level of our commitment is shown in our consistency, not in our good words.

2. Greatness is when you ask for help even when you think you don't need it.

3. I sat down and wrote two constitutions for different groups I lead in church: the Youth and the Worship Team. It proved quite exhausting but it is becoming very key in bringing the change we all desire.

4. Reasonable millennials desire authenticity more than they crave "coolness". Always know that. 

PS: I actually wrote a blog about this here.

5. Never underestimate the intelligence of your readers and listeners.

6. A leader should never expect those under him/her to pursue a vision that the leader is not into; unless that leader is only a leader by title and not by action.

7. As a leader you need to learn to respect people's decisions, whether good or bad.

8. As a leader, be a person of your word. Be the first one to be faithfully committed to the words you say. People only trust people who do what they say they will do.

9. People follow the momentum given by the leader. When he/she says that they can't, it's almost true that the whole team can't.

10. As a leader, learn to face the outcome of your decisions whether good or bad.

11. Ideas are great; but ideas without an actionable plan, they are just wishful thinking.

12. I am a horrible counselor, but I can make a good coach. Why? Because I am too action-oriented. Just sitting around listening to someone without offering direction feels offensive to me. 

13. Have nothing to do with people who think that you can't slay giants. You are made for more.

14. Leadership within meetings is a one-sided kind of leadership. Very ineffective.

15. If someone else can do it, please allow them to do it.

And then there was a whole blog on what I have learned in leadership in the past 10 years. read it here.

Lessons on Christian living

1. The tragedy is not knowing Scripture. No. The tragedy within most of us Christians today is resolving to speak out Scripture only in order to sound "spiritual". We actually don't believe what it is saying. That's the tragedy. We argue with God because we think His ideas are outdated. That's the tragedy.

2. I've realized one thing in my walk with God: that in order to mesmerize us, He has a habit of coming in full force to help us just after we have given up on ourselves.

3. I discovered that people's understanding of the Christian life and how it should be lived is messed up. People excuse quite a number of things, including; sex before marriage, worrying, lack of faith, conforming to the world e.t.c.

4. People want perfection, God wants brokenness; people want to give you praise, God wants to make you whole. Notice the difference.

5. God and man may give you advice/counsel, (which you may choose to accept or reject), but it has always been and it will always be your choice.

6. The past will always haunt us. It is therefore our responsibility to make today a better past for tomorrow; so that whatever will haunt us tomorrow from today will be good memories, a stable and praiseworthy foundation and a life lived for the glory of God.

7. God is always in a good mood.

8. The problem today is not that there are no answers in life; the problem is that we give up so fast. We give up so fast on almost everything: on God, on friends, on family, on people, on systems, on our relationships and marriages, on life... we give up so fast. That's the problem.

Various quotes from books, podcasts, movies, TV shows, sermons and various web articles
1. God does not drive an ambulance - Pastor Matt Chandler.

2. Being a leader is not about being perfect, it's about weathering a storm and carrying on - 

from The Last Ship (TV Show), Season 2 Episode 9.

3. Sometimes saving one life - if it's the right life - is enough - 

from Person of Interest (TV Show), Season 5 Episode 13.

4. There are 3 words you should drop from your leadership vocabulary starting now: someone, something and someday. Read more here. 

5. A woman that can be bought isn't worth having. - 

from Marvel's Daredevil (TV Show), Season 1 Episode 4.

6. Instagram leads to depression - Pastor Matt Chandler.

7. Dating without the intent of getting married is like going to the grocery store with no money. You either leave unsatisfied or you take something that isn’t yours - Jefferson Bethke.

8. I picked up a number of quotes from an interview Perry Noble (a pastor) had with Mark Driscoll (Google him if you don't know him - that's one pastor who knows how to bounce back!). Here are the quotes:
(a) In this internet age, communication has become instant, constant, global and permanent.
(b) There are three kinds of people leaders deal with: wise (are teachable and learn from their mistakes), foolish (these just want to argue and shift blames) and evil (they just want to hurt you.)
(c) The fruit of a good theology is love. A good theology results in loving relationships. 

9. As you search for the truth about God, understand that it's best to deal with the subject of sin before you deal with the subject of prayer. When you ask God to forgive you for the things you've done, your sin will no longer be a barrier in your relationship with Him. 

- from my Devotionals. 

10. Atheism is not an ignorance problem but a preference problem: preferring self to God - John Piper. 

11. In the end, our success is not about us, it's all about God. You take Him out of the equation, you got nothing - Hillsong UNITED's Joel Houston in an interview about their movie "Hillsong - Let Hope Rise".

12. Consistency separates winners from wannabes, and diligence makes the difference between all-time greats and one-hit wonders - Pastor Steven Furtick.

13. Quotes from Elevation Church's #CodeOrangeRevival 2016: 

(a) There is a sound for revival and there is a rhythm for revival, but the time of revival is NOW - Christine Caine.

(b) Revival is when God shows me who I am today and besides that, He also unleashes the picture of me after an extraordinary encounter with Him, and asks me, "Hey, which one do you wanna be?"

(c) God can do the impossible, and He often calls us to do the impractical. - Levi Lusko. 

(d) Evidently, our world glorifies the finished product, but God glorifies the process. - Carl Lent (Senior Pastor, Hillsong New York).

(e) Do not focus on the platform, focus on faithfulness. If it is God’s plan for your life, allow Him to bring you the platform. And because your focus has always been on faithfulness, this will then sustain your platform. 

(f) It is impossible to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature - Peter Scazzero

14. I date music, but I'm married to worship - Travis Greene. 

15. The four pillars that lead to ministry success are; (a) don't focus on growing the church, focus on growing people, (b) character and integrity (not charisma) (c) humility and (d) generosity - 

from an interview between Rick Warren and Justin Blaney (founder of Innovate 4 Jesus.)

16. Yes, God is for us; but ultimately, God is for God - Pastor Matt Chandler. 

17. Ladies, imagine your future sons turning out like your boyfriend. If that thought makes you cringe, you should probably break up - Jefferson Bethke.

18. We are not waiting for the move of God, we are the move of God - Pastor Steven Furtick.

19. At the center of our anxiety is our pride - Pastor Steven Furtick. 

20. If you cannot be honest with yourself, how can you get the truth out of anyone else? - 

from Quantico (TV Show).

21. You will never know your capacity, how far you can go, until you accept a challenge - Pastor Steven Furtick.

22. Your freedom affects more than just you - Cameron McAllister, RZIM.

23. The idea of love in the absence of truth is meaningless - Michael Ramsden, RZIM. 

24. Quotes from LEADING YOUNG (a leadership hard cover book by one Gibson Anduvate): your leadership will be determined by what motivates your decisions. If you want to be the kind of leader who wields true life-giving influence, you must choose to serve... and... many aspire to leadership but few have what it takes. The younger generation of leaders is looking for role models and mentors but they are few and hard to come across. 

Bonface Morris.

Talking Point: Millennials, Authenticity and 'Coolness'

In the recent past, talks, podcasts and blogs on millennials and how people can understand and relate with us have emerged. People are trying to define and redefine us, spill bytes upon bytes of advice on how to deal with us, generate talks on what we are and what we are not, and are ineptly consumed in the pursuit of elaborating what we want and what we want not... and whatnot.

Actually, it is like everyone is diverting their attention towards us and how to accommodate us; it is a great gesture, and one worthy of appreciation and admiration.

Note: We define a millennial as someone who was born somewhere between the year 1980 and 2000; authenticity as "a state of being real and genuine, not copied or false" (Merriam Webster Dictionary) and coolness as "a state of adapting to a specific culture in order to be ONE with it".Also, I am of the school of thought that there are two types of millennials; the rational type and the irrational type. This post will mainly favor the views held by rational millennials.

So in the spirit of trying to "reach out to us", understand us or be "acceptable" in our midst, people seem to be in support of this notion that they need to speak like us, think like us, wear clothes like us or chill with us (as a form of present-time "coolness".) That is a good effort but it is not true, not entirely. We desire authenticity more than that hypocritical charade of becoming like us.

I'll explain.

We are different, that's a fact. Millennials are different. That's why it's becoming harder to understand us as the days go by. We are edgy too: always looking forward to the next big/best thing and seeming unsettled, disconnected and discontented. We are obsessed with all kinds of "useless" trends too: fashion trends, music and entertainment trends, gadget trends, internet and social media trends, gossip trends... which all seem stupid to the rest of the people around us. Our phones or trendy gadgets are almost always stuck onto our faces and we are mostly oblivious of what is happening around us because very few things that interest the general public (and especially people older than us) interest us. Yes, we are all that. We are different, but we are not stupid. 

Let me say it again: millennials may be many things but they are not stupid.

Let me go on and help us understand us better by drawing a few contrasts here and there; 

Note: Here are a few general characteristics of millennials:1. We always seem to shift between knowing what we want, who we are and "searching/finding ourselves".2. We have a keen eye and desire for change and are very open to change. Lack of change disturbs us like a plague. Also, we love being at the center of change.3. We always seem to redefine everything across all cultures we exist in, thus painting ourselves as cultural reprobates.

Millennials may seem to hate rules and the law - which may be true in some cases - but we mostly just hate being limited to one way of doing things. Most millennials are charismatics and are greatly driven by vision and "the next big thing" mentality that helps them live extraordinary but very volatile lives. We love being fired up and authentic, so that not many of us will blindly follow a visionless person unless God has really worked on our impatience. We can listen to an elderly person as long they are making sense and are speaking to our greatest needs (both individual and societal needs.) The more spiritual of our kind seem to have a very different and refined definition of what a Christian and spirituality REALLY look like in this generation... Therefore, the faster non-millennials realize this, the better they may influence us towards positive living. 

While looking closely at authenticity, our worldview and how the people around us behave, maybe it is a high time we told the world why it's a big deal to us that someone should seek to be real and authentic than to be "cool" when dealing with us.

Here are a few examples of how millennials think authentic living (living a real, Godly and intentional/purposeful life) differs from "coolness" (trying to fit in and please us). These views represent a major part of the millennial's worldview;

1. Being authentic means speaking the truth to us no matter how unpredictable the outcome may be.

The truth will save us. So just give it to us. Blunt, honest, truth. That's being genuine, and genuine is great. You earn more respect by telling us where that money goes than pretending we don't need to know or that "we are just kids" and we don't deserve to know. You earn more respect from us by explaining why things are the way they are than just dropping us rules and regulations to follow. Also, "coolness" sometimes dilutes truth. We'd prefer if truth is handed down to us just as it is. That'll make us think deeply about it.

2. Being "cool" without content is like a great car that has a spoilt engine: beautiful but utterly useless. 

Have something useful to say to us, if not, shut up. Why? Because we have trained our ears so well that they can sniff unpreparedness and lack of content from miles away. (Sieving through chunks and chunks of information on social media on a daily basis has perfected this in us.) If you have nothing important to say, switch back to point number one: don't force your emptiness on us. Just confess it: "Guys, I'm bilaz what to say today, please bear with me." We do understand, and we'll respect you for that.

3. Live what you preach - that's definition of an authentic life. 

Authenticity, unlike "coolness" lives only but one life wherever it surfaces. I know so many people who are complaining that it is harder to find people of my age group in church, but I am here to say that the reason may be that they are so fed up with Christians who say one thing in church and among fellow Christians and yet do another thing elsewhere: hypocrites and double-minded people. God hates such people. We hate them too, and with lots of passion. If you're not living what you preach, you lost us long time ago. If you want to help us, be yourself, be real, be vulnerable, be like Jesus: live what you preach.

5. Authenticity to us means not putting us all in one bucket. 

Not all millennials are the same. We think differently, we do things for different reasons and we process situations differently. That's what humanity is all about: independence in the use of all our senses and emotions. Authentic people make an effort to understand us as individuals but not as "a group of aimless lads". The less you generalize, the better.

Now, let me show us a very perfect example of the kind of authenticity we desire: Jesus. 

There is no better example in the whole of the universe of a man who maintained being perfectly authentic and yet avoiding to be "cool" like the rest of the people in His time. 

See below how Jesus effectively lived an authentic life (and may millennials and non-millennials alike learn from Him in humble admiration);

1. Jesus had authentic love.
He loved openly and truthfully. He loved like He lived. He loved with grace but also with truth. How He kept that balance between grace and truth is what Christian discipleship is all about. It is the mystery upon which Christian living is founded.

2. Jesus had an authentic emotional life.
He didn't pretend around. He cried when He had to (like at Lazarus' funeral) and when He was angry at the Pharisees, He never pretended to be okay. The one thing that is central with authenticity is this: there is no authenticity minus vulnerability.

3. Jesus had an authentic personal and social life.
What He said on the pulpit while talking to people is what He lived in His private life. No compromise of principles, no change in His state of thinking. Even the Bible says He is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8.)

4. Jesus had authentic relationships.
He had friends whom He cared about. He cared for them deeply. How do we know this? He told them. He showed them. They felt it. They knew it.

5. Jesus had an authentic ministry and calling.
Everyone, including His family, disciples and the whole of Israel and its surrounding territories, knew what He had come to do: to set people free, and nothing could block Him from meeting that vision and goal. Every part of His mission on earth was directed towards that vision; which means Jesus was a visionary whose main vision was to see mankind redeemed. Period.

6. Jesus practiced authentic discipleship. 

He not only criticized the common trends in His generation's religiosity, but He took a step and showed those around Him what He really wanted by LIVING IT. He mentored people (and still mentors us today) to be like Him.

See? Jesus, our Lord, and all His life spoke one message: I am authentic. Now, that's the kind of authenticity we want to see in everyone else. 

Here is my parting question: 
Is your life as Christian or a leader or as a common "mwananchi" authentic? And if not, what are you doing about it?

Bonface Morris. 

That's the World I Want! (Extended Edition)

That's the world I want!!

Prologue

Very few things are impossible. In fact, nothing is impossible.

*******

I want a world where I can freely share my weaknesses and humbly boast about my strengths.

It's a funny world where people forget my titles but embrace my every entitlement.

I want such a world.

I want a world where people will understand that others make mistakes, understand them anyway but still hold them accountable.

I want people to mean what they say and to say what they mean.

I want sincerity and honesty, I want generosity and acceptance of diversity.

It's a funny world yeah,

But that's the world I want!

I want a world where people neither judge too much nor too little,

Where people don't pretend to be what they are not.

A world where the rocks don't brittle and thoughts don't wobble.

I want a little more of truth and a little more of love; and little more of the old tolerance (yes, ask Don Carson about it) and a little more of truism.

I want a world where Christians understand that it's okay to feel out of control, and that you cannot always be in control.

I want a world where we understand that becoming perfect is everyone's goal, but being perfect is Christ Himself.

A world where struggles are celebrated so long as they are helping us achieve perfection, which is Christ Himself.

And I want a world where non-Christians understand that Christians lose it too - and that’s okay - and that it's what Christianity is all about: losing it so that God can align it.

I want something I don't see today.

That's the world I want!

I want a world where people don't read between the lines because sometimes there is actually nothing to be read.

I want people to sometimes take things just the way they are: to enjoy the face-value of things.

I want some bit more of WYSIWYG (what-you-see-is-what-you-get). Nothing more and nothing less.

I want a world where when people see spoons, they see spoons and not spades.

In such a world, we will feed well and farm well.

In such a world, we will fight less and jabber less.

Yes, that's the world I want!!

I want a world where people give, forgive, live and let live.

I want a world where both the "sane" and the "insane" can ride on the same bus, chat, alight and go their separate ways.

I want curiosity to kill us and wonder to submerge us; peace to fill us and joy to cover us.

I want love to imbibe us and honesty to disciple us.

I want truth to guide us and knowledge to sustain us.

I want a world where we are keen to learn and we never boast of the little we already know.

I want a world where we find wisdom not so that we may become superior to others but in order to guide the lost.

That's the world I want!!

I want the only confusion we know of to be: "I'm confused! I wanna do more! What can I do to save him/her?"

I want people to care, and not just to pretend that they care.

I want people to believe in God, not just to pretend that they do believe in Him.

I want leaders to serve, and not just lead.

I want people to believe in one another so that they're not secretly terrified of an "eminent attack".

I want justice and love to flow like a river and praise and worship to fill the valleys of animosity that separate us.

It is not an impossible world.

It is the world I see.

And, and, that's the world I want!!

*******

Epilogue

Read more insight from Brittney Moses, founder and president of UNASHAMED IMPACT here: Dear Christian, It’s Okay to Not Be Okay.

Bonface Morris.

Stuff I Learned and Discovered Last Year (2015 Edition)

Life lessons, 2015 Edition

Since 2013, I've been capturing and noting down a few lessons along the way as the years pass by: things that have made me raise my eyebrows for good reasons.

You can read the lessons from 2013 here in the 2013 Edition and from 2014 here in the 2014 Edition.

This post lists a few inputs from what I captured last year. This does not make me wise, but just keen and observant. (Petty sometimes, as someone I knowy8u recollects.) I encourage you to note down a few of your own on every single moment of your life. You may end up realizing that, after all, your years are really never wasted; and that almost every step of your life has something to teach you.

Here goes...

Lessons on life and personal growth
1. I learned was that there are at least three things you should have done to yourself as a normal person by the end of a year:
(a) You've called yourself stupid a couple of times
(b) You've called yourself great and,
(c) You've called yourself awesome
This is because no one is consistently the same thing throughout the year; only dead people are that way.

2. The world lacks peace makers, it lacks reasonable people. But it is full of go-getters and "fighters". It is like everyone wants to fight and win. Many crisis would be solved only if we had the intervention of people seeking to mend the world, not to tear it apart.

3. We change nothing by keeping quiet. We all should be whistle blowers - shouting and screaming to save a world that is being haunted by injustice and hypocrisy. And not only whistle-blowers, but doers of the very deeds that save the world.

4. By increasing the good use of my idle and wasted time by committing my 15 to 30 minutes a day to reading an ebook ( I have a problem with reading paperback books) or listening to podcasts while cooking, washing or heading home, I achieved some sort of multitasking capability which made me learn quite a lot in such a small amount of time. (This was after my laptop broke down somewhere at the beginning of 2015. All things work for good, no?)

2. The momentum you begin a year is important; and much better is the zeal with which you'll work it out. But what matters most is what you do in the course of the year and how you end it, not how you begun it.

3. Podcasts happened to me last year. I downloaded a few, I'm following a few, and I ain't regretting it.

4. People move on. If you don't, your bad.

5. Most of the things we possess are due to comparing ourselves to others and our endless clinging on competition. If we were to be left alone in this world, we would have so little - just what is enough and necessary for our basic upkeep.

6. People who say nothing online are always present. They are like ghosts; vicious ghosts that are ready to stalk you, pounce on you, read and analyze your every post and become your biggest critics while offline on in your inbox. I've learned to ignore them. I ignore them because life is full of people who do nothing but are always criticizing people who do everything meaningful. They are like the devil: he does nothing but is always here criticising the good we do which he is incapable of doing.

7. The more educated you are, the pettier and more choosy you become. (I'll quote Malcolm Muggeridge on this one: "We have educated ourselves into imbecility...")

8. If you limit yourself to what you already know, how else are you going to change the world? The world is changed by people who take risks: those who choose to wade through the uncharted territory; not those who limit their possibilities to what they already know and what has already been proven and done.

9. A wise man that does not speak wisdom to a fool is in one way or another, the worst fool. 

10. That one thing that we have been equally given is time; you don't have more, I don't have less. At least God is fair, eh?

11. Life has four classes which we all need to simultaneously attend:
1. Of dealing with God.
2. Of dealing with self.
3. Of dealing with people and
4. Of dealing with books.
If we miss the balance while dealing with each, and in relation to others, we all get deformed.

Lessons on leadership and parenting
Note: Parenting lessons were learnt through observing various families around me. I am not an expert of any sort on this topic.
1. Speaking from a youth leader point of view, I think parents assume that young people have no right to audience. That they are only to be commanded, heckled at and ignored. You wanna know what escalates rudeness in young people? It's because you ignore everything they're trying to say.

2. I learned that vulnerability is a good thing for a leader. It's one of the best things that can ever happen to him/her and those under him/her.

3. That thing where parents dismiss a young person before they even try to explain themselves, whether right or wrong, births a drift between the two of them that will keep growing over time. They then should never wonder what happened to their once "good children", when everything falls apart some day and they don't seem to tell them anything.

4. Nobody follows a dumb person unless that dumb person is something close to Stephen Hawking.

5. Fathers and mothers are bringing up solid and empowered ladies/women. That's a great thing. O don't deny it, it is a great thing. But they're altogether forgetting to bring up solid and empowered gentlemen/men to compliment and/or match these ladies. The result is a world that is upside down. And ladies can rant all they want about not meeting so many "ideal men", but the main point still is: they should tell these mothers and fathers, "Please bring up men for us too. Or the world will have too much of our 'empowered' selves and abandon us in unchivalrous agony."

6. There's no great writer and/or leader who does not read. I discovered that writing takes the clutter that are the words in our minds and converts them into meaningful and decipherable statements to benefit people around us; reading is the yardstick that guides that process. 

7. I discovered that taking feedback from the people I lead is just as important as expecting them to give heed to and follow the instructions I give them. Leadership is two way.

Lessons on Christian living
1. God is our Father, not our servant. Once you realize how Sovereign He is, how Holy, how powerful and how exalted He is, you seize commanding Him to do things for you like most crazy Christians are doing today. You should go ask the prophet Isaiah about this for further clarification.

2. When you're open-minded, (I am doing a blog on open-mindedness which I'll drop soon), you tend to learn a few things :
(a) Not to see people as "a whole" but as individuals with unique choices i.e. a person from a specific tribe will be handled as an individual and separate from their tribal affiliation  e.t.c.
(b) To give people people a second chance and treat them beyond reasonable doubt as individuals who can change
(c) To refuse to think that you are a god and that you are immune to the things affecting these other people. You'll start seeing ladies who became pregnant before marriage differently, you see Willy Paul and Kanyari differently e.t.c.
(d) You start learning to see people as God sees them, thus no prejudice: broken, needy (for a Savior) and subject to change. You realize that anyone can change into anything if given chance.
(e) You become less judgmental but more appreciating; and you accept that anyone can be used of God and become anything. You don't start drawing lines/boundaries for who can be or cannot be your spouse based on your pettiness.

3. Christian conferences and seminars don't change anyone. They simply expose us to a wider range of possibilities, which is a very great thing to everyone seeking to grow and become better. Conferences challenge us to become better, but change itself is a choice anyone can make with or without attending a conference.

4. If we keep on kicking each other endlessly and mercilessly in the butt as Christians in the presence of the people who do not know or love God, they'll all eventually think: "Seriously, they can't even agree with each other nor genuinely love each other, so why should I trust them to have the best life so far? Is the good life in Jesus they are telling me about everyday even worthwhile?" That made me have quite some lengthy thoughts on John 13:35 (Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are My disciples.) It opened my eyes to what true Christianity is all about.

5. I think we spend too much time teaching people how to pray or evangelize that we rarely do it ourselves. We rarely pray or evangelize. Therefore, I concluded that evangelism seminars are useless if after everything, no-one goes out to evangelise. Music lessons are also useless if there won't be any singing after they're done.

6. I discovered that Christians in the market place are and could be the best evangelists and witnesses of Christ only if they utilize their opportunities well. (I picked this from one of Rick Warren's podcasts. See? Podcasts are a great thing. :-) )

7. It is very rare that someone who is not consistent with God could be consistent in life. Very rare.

Lessons on relationships and marriage
1. It's weird how people expect others to grow wise overnight or immediately after marriage. It is assumed that all married people are wise. But that's not the case because I am meeting so many married people who don't even know what they are doing in there. 
Example: Say I was gonna get married in a fortnight or so. After a couple of days, people will be expecting me to unleash words of wisdom to all "young people" I left behind as "youth". They forget that wisdom is not an overnight thing. If I can't practice using and delivering it now as a single person, it won't be there after I'm married. Wisdom is not an overnight thing. People should therefore allow the unmarried to be wise too. Because almost half of the New Testament was written by an unmarried apostle (Paul) and Christianity leans on the teachings of the Son of God who was never married. Oh yeah.

2. I confessed something to my bae (damn, this is personal). I told her this: Can I tell you how I love you? This is how I love you: I love you too much to not want to lose you. To want to always be with you. But I also love you knowing that nothing lasts forever except the things that concern the heaven of God.

3. Marry a woman who'll take care of your mother when you're abroad. 

4. I learned that one of the main causes of wrangles and divisions in families and relationships is when couples and family members stop waiting for each other apparently in everything: they watch separate TV Shows, use separate cars, eat from separate tables at different times, go to bed at different times, go to separate churches, love different leisure activities etc. There's no waiting for each other at all. This is how drifts keep growing and people end up not tolerating each other.

5. Married people should write blogs to help both the single and unmarried get life, relationships and marriage right. It is foolish to keep complaining yet never helping.

6. Family is important. It is the first place my faithfulness and service should be felt. If I'm only good to outsiders and not to members of my own family, I have missed the point of what life on earth is all about.

Family

Bonface Morris.