It is neither poetry no prose. It is just Morris
writing his heart out.
It is me speaking out what I feel today. The pourings
of my heart.
They are the utterings of my soul. The clinch-fists of
my mind.
Many people think that I am so good. Many think that I
am an epitome of perfection.
Some mistake me for a flawless person. Maybe because
of all they see me do, or achieve.
But there are so many times that I am ashamed of
myself. Like right now.
Like right now because you have no idea of what I have
done and how I feel.
These are moments when I start searching out myself
only to find out that I have been here all the time; the only problem being I
have not been so keen to know…
There are numerous times I don’t even understand
myself. Unless I sit down like I am doing right now. And try to think through
things. The uselessness and usefulness of things.
I guess God should be ashamed of me also. He should be. He should be so ashamed of me. He should be because He has the right to. He has the right to judge me. God my Father has all the right to put all my actions to question. He also has the right to send me to prison (if there is any). He has the right to judge me in the presence of His Word and throw me into a den of lions. It is not a “maybe” kind-of a thing. It is a “sure” kind-of…
Because I have let Him down so many times. I can’t even count them. I cannot count the number of times I have stepped over the boundaries set for me and run into prohibited lands. Just like today. I can never get the sum total of my flaws. They are so many. And they always go before me – unless I deal with them like I am doing now. And it is only today that I choose to write it out for you to read it. How I feel. How I really feel.
There is no doubt to God‘s Justice. In fact, there should not be. Who can judge God anyway? Who wants to? Who wants to try? Who will begin it? Who then will be the prosecutor and who the judge? And which court will that be? Who will be the audience? Where will that be? Ridiculous. You can’t take God to court. And He won’t take you to any court either. He will only show you your flaws – like He is showing me right now – in His own court, where He is His own Judge and prosecutor… He is God. God is God. You can’t take God anywhere. He is everywhere. The ‘anywhere’ you know is the ‘everywhere’ He commands… He is God.
So I am reminded tonight to just confess my wrongs and sins; my weaknesses and so-called punditries; my wraths and darks; my slings of contempt. My filthiness smells really bad. I am some paradoxical metaphor in real existence. On the outside I really look good, but on the inside, I am a mess. God in His court knows that Morris is strictly a bad mess on the inside, so I don’t try to hide away from realities engulfing my ego and the bad smell of my actions. I don’t hide and I won’t hide. I won’t even try to. Why should I? Who can hide from reality anyway? Reality is such a common-place thing that you can’t just miss it. The only thing that wins against it is Faith. Only Faith puts reality down on its knees. Confessions don’t battle reality to win. Nope. They only fight against it to hide it. Confessions hide reality. An example is if after sinning I say, “There is now no condemnation to those in Christ Jesus…” (Romans 8:1), but I still don’t believe in what I am saying nor have repented of my many many sins, this is what will happen: I will remain to be the same person I was but with a hidden guilt. My conscience will try to fool me that I am OK, that Jesus washed me somehow, but deep down I’ll realize that I am a slave to the conflicts that my heart and mind have with (or against) the Spirit of God…
So I will confess my sins. Not to you, but to God. But
I will also confess them to the person I have wronged. I don’t have to confess
them to the whole world. That may sound a lil’ bit brag-gish. That sounds like
gibberish. So I will confess them to a small world. Such a world includes me,
God and the person I have wronged (if they do exist). I will tell them to me
first. Then to the person I have wronged. Then to the Lord. But first, I will
tell you why I am doing it, and why you too should do it often;
- I don’t have to keep feeling bad. And guilty and out-of-place. I have to sort it out. Not by hiding away from the point of conflict, but by facing it. I will solve this by facing the problem. That’s why I am confessing my wrongs to God and to the person I have wronged. That makes me more like Jesus and less like Adam…
- I have to be accountable to God because I am His. This body, this mind, this heart, this life belongs to Him. So, if I have let Him down in any of these things, I should go back to Him and inform Him (although He already knows) that I have misbehaved or misused or mis-woreva somewhere. Accountability means I still desire to belong to His house – unless I wanna join the other house where nobody is accountable to nobody for anything…
- It is good enough. Yeah, it is good enough. It is good and healthy. Period!
There we are. It takes a lot of guts to do some
things. And it also takes a very strong will to say that you are weak
sometimes. I know I am not always strong or good or righteous… name them… but
there is one thing I know: if I sin and confess my sin(s), He is faithful to
forgive(1 John1:8-10). So dude (or whoever you are) stop and come
around – do what you gotta do to be right with your neighbor and with God… It
always counts. Just like it is doing for me right now…
Morris.
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