The Love Language (#ValentinesExclusive)

Once in a while, you look at two people in love and you love it. You just love it. 

The way they look at each other, the way they talk to each other, the way they coyly smile at each other, the way they "get" each other... You just love it. (I don't know if this is how guys feel about me with my bae, haha.)

Valentines is all about celebrating love. And it is possible that you'll be seeing a lot of that today. If you're single, never mind. Your time will come and you will be a menacing portrait to another person who will be in the position you are in today. 

Inasmuch as we may feel all sorts of things concerning the love birds and love tings we will be seeing today, it is still important to note that love is necessary; and that celebrating love goes hand-in-hand with celebrating the fullness of life.
There is nothing as special as knowing that you're being loved (or are being shown that you are loved) just the way you would wish to be loved. (That's what I am praying for all of us in relationships today: that we will experience love and give it forth wholeheartedly.)

While intently looking at Valentines Day, you may be asking, "Is it bad for a young saved person to fall in love? And what about celebrating this day?"
To the first question I'll say, Yes and no. Yes because if you're of age and are ready to get into marriage, there's nothing wrong with it. Fall in love all you can and get married to a fellow Christian. And "no" because you may be underage, still in school, having other motives rather than marriage, you are lustful e.t.c.
And to the second question I'll wonder, "When did it become bad or evil to celebrate love in a manner that pleases God?" So go out and have fun!!

Celebrating love is like celebrating the fullness of life... 

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Also, there are many types of falling in love. I'll mention a few;
1. One where you love each other but don't even understand each other. In this case, it is the "love" that matters, so to say. If it "disappears", so does the relationship. (But true love does not fail, so it can't just "disappear".)

2. One where you are the only one in love, while the other party is busy wondering what is wrong with you. They are busy telling you that you don't deserve them or that they don't deserve you. Oh my, oh my!!

3. One where you are in love with another person whom you clearly know (they) WILL NEVER be yours.

4. One where they love you more and you care less about why they are this crazy over you. As in The Clash of Types case.

5. One where you don't only love each other but are also in good sync with each other. Where you understand what the other one needs in the relationship and you both work hard towards giving it to them (here I'm not talking about sex or anything explicit or unacceptable in Christian dating circles... but of such things as I'll mention below.)

According to my views in this post, it doesn't really matter what cadre of falling in love your relationship shares. It doesn't. Anything is possible once you understand what I'm addressing today.

Some people would want to call this last part of my examples above (that is number 5) "soul mates". They define soul mates to be two people (of opposite sex) who are really "in sync" with each other and after "discovery" of this, they're now in a relationship.

But the idea of soul mates is rather secular. It tends to revolve around the lame fact that we can only fall in love with one person forever, and that there is that one special person that is meant oooonly for us and that we are meant oooonly for them. This notion insists that if we lose this one person, our relationship lives are done.

This is not true. 

God does not say so. He says to all single people (and even to the married) that relationships are a choice. (This is said in many ways in the Bible.) We freely choose whom we want to walk with in our relational lives. We may make good or bad choices, but they are our choices.
God will reward us according to our choices, meaning, if we choose someone outside His criterion and Will of choice, there are consequences. Also, there are rewards if we choose according to what He instructs us to choose. Therefore, they are our choices that determine our destiny as far as relationships are concerned.

God does not make mistakes, so if we choose according to His Will for our lives, we are likely to find what the world calls soul mates. But in this regard (in God's case), it is never limited to a one person forever. No. God can give us a person to love, then if death occurs and the marriage covenant is broken, we can fall in love again and marry another soul mate...

This means that we can fall in love over and over again and have multiple "soul mates" if we choose to. 

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The mysterious thing about falling in love (which is actually just a way of two conscious people of opposite sex and of age saying "we are deeply interested in each other") is that you can do it over and over again. "But why and how?" you ask, "Why and how is it possible to fall in love a million times, Morris? "

I'll show you how...

Each person you meet, interact with and call your type scores a certain degree of compatibility that is above average which qualifies them as potential partners in your life. (Click the link to read and understand what I mean.) In such a case, in order to create a mutual ground for agreement/unity or love, you two need to deeply understand each other in order to meet each other's needs in the relationship. This can happen to any of the 6 out of 20 or to any of the 100 out of 1,000 people you think are your type.

This is where The Love Language  comes in. It matters a lot in relationships because it helps us communicate to our partners in various ways that will make them feel cared for and loved. Everyone has their love language (a way or manner in which they prefer to be treated in order to feel loved or cared for by the other person.)

If not put into consideration, this causes a great percentage of incompatibility, misunderstandings, heightened reactions of "they are not my type!!", breakups and even divorce. In fact, most breakups and divorces are either due to a misconstrued/misunderstood love language, a partner that has no idea about what "the love language" of the other person is, emotional absence or unfaithfulness.

It therefore follows that in order to have successful relationships in any type of falling in love, we need to learn a few of the things to "speak" to the other person that makes them feel loved, cared for and appreciated. We may need to ask them about it, use discernment, use intuition or learn through their closest friends. 

The Love Language 

Herein I'll address a few love languages known to me. What I list below is not conclusive but will act as a guide in deciphering your partner's and your own love language:

1. Most people's love language involves hearing their girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband thank and compliment them out of the blue. It goes like this, "Baby, you remember when you did this (or that) for me/us/my friend? Thanks a lot. It really mattered to me..." 95% of men are really made to thrive through such appreciation and kind words. Do this occasionally and next time he'll bring the planet Venus to you.

2. Women differ in their love language when money is involved. Some feel more loved when you use your money on them, some prefer occasional gifts, some want the cash itself while others don't even care. Just lemme promise you that there is no woman in this world who doesn't feel loved when her man spends his money on her. What differs is how, why and when you use it.

3. Most people's love language involves you sacrificing to spend some quality time with them. When you sacrifice to meet their needs in the relationship, it tells them how much you care. Ladies call it interest and attention. Men call it support and commitment. You hear that? The same thing, but given differently.

4. All men feel loved and needed when you respect their opinions and support their leadership. All women feel respected when you involve them in decision making and in your day-to-day endeavors.

5. Some people feel loved (and mostly women/ladies) when you remember special days like their birthdays, anniversaries, special events/days like today e.t.c. 

6. Small acts of tenderness and compassion speak volumes to most people's hearts. Such people fall in love with a person's generous heart and kindness.

7. Some people have a unique and weird love language (like myself). I feel loved when you correct me the moment I'm wrong and when you respond to what I need to know about things. I feel cared for in this way because I normally think that the person who loves me would want to see me grow, and that can't happen without following up on what I do and trimming out the bad parts. I feel uneasy around someone who always thinks that I am right. Correction makes me feel that you're deeply interested in who I am and what I want to be.

8. Other weird people have a language that requires that you occasionally become cruel to them. Cruel but not violent. I know some who say that this trims them to know if they're still on the right path or if they've lost the way. Such people, they say, grew up being molested; so the only way they'll feel cared for is when someone is slightly cruel to them. This is weird, but it's their love language. (And I don't even think Scripture supports it anyway.)

Other love languages include:

9. Shared goals - such people feel loved when they share most goals with their partners.

10. Doing dishes, laundry or cooking for your partner once in a while (for the married guys.)

11. Open compliments about your partner to your friends in their presence or on social media.

12. Shopping together or having an impromptu date together or having a workout together or having a walk in the park together or sharing a hobby or watching a movie together or listening to music and dancing together e.t.c.

13. Reading Scripture and praying together - having a Bible Study together.

14. Checking on them from time to time in the course of the day even when you're busy. This includes saying hi in the morning and before going to bed.

15. Hugging when you meet. (There are some people who really feel distant and taken for granted when you don't hug them at all or when you hug them differently from the way you normally do.)

And so forth and so on...

Notably, one person can have upto ten factors or special things within their love language.
It is also true that the very things we call petty in our relationships might be the very things that matter most. Why? Because when we do such "petty" things, we score highly on the love graph that are the hearts of our partners. 

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So the question is (which is my question too): even as you celebrate this Valentines, are you paying attention to what your partner wants or are you giving them WHAT YOU THINK they like/want? Is it possible that you are giving them the exact opposite of what they would have wished for?

Do you know what they want or what they don't? Is it possible that you're taking them out yet they would have preferred you cooking them lunch today? Is it possible that they don't really care for flowers like every other lady does? Is it possible that he would have preferred you buying him a whole month internet subscription to you buying him an extra shirt? Do we normally listen when they're saying the things that are closer to her heart?
Think about it. 

And, er, do you know your own love language?

(Have a blessed Valentines Day as share this with a friend. :-) It might be their only way out of the rut they are in. )

I love you all.

For #ValentinesExclusive, Valentines Day, 2015.

Bonface Morris. 

Are Relationships Complicated? (#ValentinesExclusive)

You've probably read on most people's Facebook bio under relationship status (I guess it is only Facebook that is really interested in our relationship statuses) that "IT'S COMPLICATED".

I for once wanted to do the same: say that relationships are complicated... Oh, in fact, I wrote a blog post on it to support that notion sometimes back. Read it here.

The funny thing is that, no, relationships are actually not that complicated. I've realized that we are the ones that complicate them.

I'll pass you through why I think so. And I probably will manage to convince you on why you should change your Facebook relationship status to I-think-I've-been-stupid-in-relationships-and-it's-all-my-fault...

I think most of the challenges and complications we meet in our relationships are bred, fed and nurtured by us.

Take for instance a lady that decides to be the incessant/all-time "bread winner" in a relationship from the word go. She thinks it is okay to "take care of the love of her life" in such a way and therefore tolerates buying her sweetheart stuff, helping pay his rent, paying his bills, bailing him out when people are on his neck hunting him down for their money e.t.c.. The thing is that she is not looking beyond...

So, by the time the future comes (even the near future), what do you expect her to post on social media after she realizes that she has been being used? She'll tell us how "complicated men in the millennia are", while sincerely, it was her own fault to ignite the car without looking keenly at the fuel gauge.

Another example is when a guy decides to overlook the bad manners of his lazy and money-loving girlfriend.
This is how it goes: he knows that she's doing nothing to positively serve herself and the people around her but he ignores it all. She has told him before (several times actually) stuff like this: "Honey," she says, "...you know what? I can't wake up before 9am. And if they tell me to do any house chores at home, I always pretend that I'm not feeling well. Also, I never stop watching a TV Show until it's into its season finale. I can watch a great TV Series for a whole day without blinking. Honey, I think we'll just be buying food when we get married, right? Because I abhor cooking. My brother irons my clothing... My mom does the laundry... My dad ensures I look good..." And she goes on and on.

What is the guy not hearing? He is overlooking his girlfriend's laziness and hedonism. And when the going will go tough (and it sure will), he'll start blaming all the women in the world for the very things they've never done.

Do you now get me? Our complicated relationships are our own fault. True story.

So, what are those things we do that complicate our relationships with or without knowing it (at least by 90%)?
Here's a list of some those things:

1) We overlook the small mistakes and wrongs we hear from and see in our girlfriends or boyfriends
We allow love to blur our vision of the true nature of the other person. We love with all our hearts minus all our minds.
He is violent. She is rude. He is carnal. She is selfish. His mom is his goddess. Her dad is her god. He is stingy and mean. She is a busy body and full of gossip. He is aptly jealous. She is dishonest and a liar. He is unfaithful and loves money above you. She is evil.
We see all these things in the first month of the relationship, but do we normally do anything about it? No. That's how complications chip in.

2) We overlook the defined rules we have been given for our relationships
God says (literally), "My son/daughter, don't date a pagan or a non-believer. Date a mature Christian who's growing and seeks to grow more in me...", but we go on and say, "Lord, I don't think You understand... You don't gerr-it. This one will eventually change. Huyu ni tofauti..." And when the world crumbles (because it sure will), we cry out loud, "It's all sooo complicated..."

3) We overlook our and their intentions of getting into the relationship
Some of our ladies know that "he's just in this relationship for the sex and/or the money..." (By the way, why do you, as saved people, engage in sex? It is sinful!) As a saved lady, such an issue should be addressed immediately before it grows into something else. But our awesome all-knowing millennial ladies choose to overlook this. The moment will come when he is obsessed with his desires and you'll go into depression saying: men are complicated. Which men? Your man wanted sex, and he's draining your pocket. That's what he was doing. He was not interested in you!!

The same thing applies to we millennial guys. She interviewed you in the beginning, on the first date, remember? You felt like it was a job interview or something. But you took it lightly. She later cunningly moved to your place - without your permission (and you are saved!! Really?). She uses your card without your permission. She never asks you questions about YOU. She rarely offers to support you in anything, but she never delays to ask for favors for herself. Like, how many favors has she asked for since the year began that are all about her? Twenty? Oh my friend, you're dating a narcissistic and self-centred lady. It will drop bruh, it will drop.
What are you waiting to see so that you may prove that she's manipulative and that you are her puppet, and you now need to run away? Complicated, right?

4) We overlook their dismal relationship with God
When was the last time you fought with your girlfriend/boyfriend about their relationship with God and their commitment to their church and the things of God? Or about how often they pray, read their Bible or attend church? You've never done it? Hah, and you expect less complications in that relationship? Here is the blunt line: if the Lord is neither a priority to both of you nor the foundation of the relationship, it will surely sink!! And it will end up veeeery complicated.

5) We overlook other people's warnings concerning our relationships
You know, it seems we've grown so knowledgeable that we think we can teach our parents. That's what we think. We've been warned by our parents or guardians or (insert the name of an elderly person who warns us here) several times about that girl/boy, haven't we? What did we do about it? We ranted. We took offense. Tulicatch feelings. We said stuff like this, "Ooh come on, give me a break!! This is my life. I live my life, you don't and will never live it for me...!!"

6) We overlook what Scripture tells us concerning a good friend, wife or husband
The Bible is full of guidelines and instructions on who is a good friend, a good wife and who is the good husband. We don't need a 50 Shades of Grey or Steve Harvey or Oprah or Mills And Boon best-seller to explain anything to us. We don't even need me. It is right there in our Bibles!! And o how blessed we millennials are!! Bibles are all over the place. There's a Bible on your phone, in your room, on your desktop, on that tablet, on the internet... There are Bibles everywhere... But do we inquire to know what the Lord says concerning what a good friend/wife/husband looks like? Naaaah. What do we normally do? We normally use our own understanding (which Scripture warns about in Proverbs) to criss-cross and judge the right/best person for us. This normally leaves us with complicated relationships.

The Bible gives Christ as the best example of what a good boyfriend/husband should look like, and the Church as an example of what a good girlfriend/wife should look like. (I'll address this in detail in another post this month.)

7) We ignore and overlook the relationship boundaries that have been stipulated for us
So they made their move on you and you already had a girlfriend/boyfriend? Why didn't you tell them there and then? Why did you wait until your girlfriend/boyfriend met her/him carelessly flirting with you? You see, if your real girlfriend/boyfriend heats up because of you carelessly switching your relationship boundaries, it's your fault. You overlooked the boundaries.

Also, why are you giving them too much room yet they ain't your husband/wife? Come on! Don't dare give them the privileges that only belong to a husband/wife. Don't complicate things...!!

The above are good reasons to help us see that we complicate our own relationships and that we need to do something about it before it is too late.

For #ValentinesExclusive Valentines Day 2015.

Bonface Morris.