Twenty-Fourteen: Life, Relationships and Everything Between

Just a few days ago – a week or so, to be precise - I shared something on my end-year cum festive-season reflections in what I called "nanoreflections". If you haven't read that post, read it here.

This post is a sequel to that one and it seeks to emphasize on a few issues relevant to any new season. It is not [in any way] advice, (oh, it may be) but just a series of life-questions and views.

Apparently, I just want to talk to us, and, er, help us get into 2014 with some bits of focus and confidence, and with well-directed perceptions of life and those around us.

But before that, let me open up a little about writing, and especially writing in the festive season...

I am putting on paper [almost] everything that has been spiraling in my mind - thanks to my sticky notes and my notepad - in the few days I've been both idle and busy with celebrations. Why? I may grow mad if I don't. (Literally).

Every writer will tell you that it is "extremely normal" to feel "extremely mad" when so many words are passing through your mind and you JUST can't hold them in or put them out in time. It is even more okay to become dumb on someone trying to interfere with your thought line.

This is what happens: a certain urge to vent out thinks (things and thoughts) comes upon you, and you acquire a status of between screaming and shouting, or of between sitting and running; and a force purges from within your lungs (or from wherever within you), because your hand fails to [somehow] tap on the keyboard (or to scribble things on a piece of paper) as fast as your mind is pulling them out; and it is at this time that the heart within you thuds tremendously and your skin increases in tension, and the pumping of blood increases; because beauty is fighting to be let out but it is sticking somewhere and some of it is getting swallowed, and you don't like it...

Eventually, you feel a mixture of excitement and hysteria taking over you, like a sneeze that just won't go off... And worse it will be, if a couple of hyperactive people around you ask you questions and request that you get involved in their "fun"...

You may slightly lift your head, shift on whatever is holding your weight, stare at each one of them conspicuously and after kinda 30 seconds, say nothing at all. They may feel angry for being taken for granted, rant their most, bring out those platitudes they have of you and waste your good five minutes while trying to paint you as the-most-wicked-unsocial-and-punitive-introvert-in-the-world. You may mundanely smile back, or fracture their egotistic selves by exchanging their statements with a plain, emotionless face, and continue struggling with the speed at which words are rushing in your brain... they may even constitute to the adrenaline rush by giving you more ideas...

Oh well, lemme spare you that entire bunny droll...

So, back to our theme...

My observations this festive season have been centered on people's character and behavior. I have observed that it is character and behavior that manifests and depicts the growth of a person as interpreted by those around him/her. Also, regardless of whether you are saved or not, character and growth in life are the two things in life you cannot jump over. We all behave in a certain way and grow to a certain extent. Just differently, but we all do. If not so, we all are dead or are in the process of dying.

Now, because one of the most basic catalysts of life is behavior which intertwines itself in character and leads to a given level of growth, and that without growth we are all exposed to ridicule by redundancy and stagnation or even death itself, behavior, character and growth become the power(s) that drive life - they are the main proof of life. 
And if [at all] they do prove life, how is Twenty-Fourteen going to be with regard to these three? How are we going to trim them so that to make this year the year that marks the beginning of our treading the uncharted territory?

Let's check it out and see a few things that we may need to change in our behavior and character in order to prove our positive growth; or rather, a few things that may make our relationships with those around us more bearable in Twenty-Fourteen.

Here goes... (and I promise that this one is gonna be reaaaaaaally long)…

To all dudes:-

1.      On drinking and partying
It is thought today that the much a man drinks proves his knowledge of partying. Well, I've seen some. They call it "having fun". Fun? Yes, fun. They say drinking yourself silly is fun. And all this time, I’ve been hoping to believe (under some degree of supernatural conviction) that fun includes having hangovers, becoming broke, having a sore body, sleeping in a trench and making God sad through bad use of your body. I’ve been hoping. For a while now. I’ve not succeeded to hope enough though... But be it as it may, my mixture of hopes and observations have noted that 70% of these boys who drink themselves silly still depend on their parents. Yeah, they are just boys. Boys who have not yet learnt to earn their own money and waste it on liquor (that is if liquor is worthy wasting money on). Maybe they'll learn a few lessons then grow up later, no? Lesson learnt? A boy drinks himself silly and parties all day without a break, but a man is conscious of his indulgence, his company and about tomorrow. 
Make a decision on what you wanna be this year. A boy or a man?

2.      On lying and honesty in our relationships. 
In worldly contexts, lies are considered to be the standard measuring unit for a man – his mantra. They say that a man is wired to lie. They are stupid. (Those who say this.) Men are not wired to lie, boys are. They are boys who lie about all things in their lives. Men speak their minds. Men speak the truth, no matter how blunt and painful it may be. Men share issues, and their women help solve them; while boys lie about issues, and their girls swoon over them… So, my dear friend, are you going to be a man [of your word] or a boy full of lies? It is your choice.

3.      On being haphazard.

Someone I respect a lot once told me: Rush the much you want Morris, that is what you young people think life is all about; but come back and be certain that there are two things you can’t rush and recover; time and your age… I’ve been flipping through that advice for a while now and I’ll tell you something about it after I’m done…

With the current flip in technology, everything seems to be running too fast. Android OS versions and phones are coming out every other night. Apple is unleashing products like the wind. All sorts of things are being done to DNA. Robots are becoming more real by the day. Smart homes are becoming the envy of everyone... “So why not go with the flow?” you ask. You don’t have to, do you? If everything in this world ran at our speed and as fast as we would want it to, then everything will end up being messy. (Methinks.) Calm down. Relax. Life was never meant to be rushed. Become a man and see the big picture, rather than being the boy that runs into everything without thinking of the outcome, or without seeing the future. It’s our choice anyway…

4.      On reliability and responsibility 
One outcry I have heard from my lady friends over and over again this festive season is that 90% of we men are still boys – still piping in the drains of boyhood. Yes, you heard me right: 90% of these guys you meet and see are still boys (Ladies et al.) Ladies have been telling me that they are tired of acting as our mothers and elder sisters and at the same time being our fiancées. They are tired of our lack of commitment and playing the man in our relationships. They are tired of our lack of concern and dedication to our relationships. They are tired of us being wimps and play boys. O! They are tired of so many things. Over this season, and while interacting with several of them, they’ve insisted on one single thing: let the so-called men in their lives stop playing boys. They say this: boys play girls and have a string of them and think that females are objects of pleasure and meeting their lustful creeds; men date ladies/women, value them for who they are and plan to marry them. It is our choice guys, what we wanna be this year.

5.      On being the serious and the moody type.

I know this one is gonna catch us unawares. But seriously, who said that men should not know how to switch profiles? (And by ‘profiles’ I mean our reaction to things.) Who said so? Who said that a broke man should always avoid his lady (unless she is a girl – which I am going to address in the next part of this post) or that a “stressed” man is hell-fire? I am being told that a humorous broke man is better than a gloomy endowed man (Ladies et al.) I am also being told that a generous and charismatic man is more attractive than a stingy and moody man.

Guys, again, it is our choice this year what we wanna be.

To all ladies:-

1.      On nagging and drama.

Oh! I know something fah real: every lady and every girl has a degree of drama installed inside her by default, no matter how good they may be. After saying that (and I will allow you to make as much noise about it as you may want to), allow me to point you ladies to a certain direction. Who told you that partying and drinking yourself silly makes you attractive? Huh? Seriously ladies, and who told you that sleeping with as many men as you can’t count and surmounting drama to your name makes you famous? I know there are words like socialite that have become “fashionable” of late, thanks to the internet. Yeah, most of you think that drama and tweefs make you famous. I can see it in most people’s twitter updates. (They won’t do it on Facebook because it will betray their “decency” to their close friends and relatives). There is one point to note though ladies: Girls are drama queens. Girls flirt with every other man they meet. Girls nag all the time. Girls manipulate men. Girls complain and rarely appreciate what their men do for them. But women, yes, well-refined ladies and women, cannot exchange their dignity for cheap fame. Get it right: Women have standards, and they make these standards known. Women support their men, take care of them, are concerned about them and appreciate the little (or much) they receive from them. Women know their boundaries as far as drama, gossip and nagging are concerned. Yes, you’ve heard it, so go on and make a choice this year. 

2.      On insecurity and self image.

Sometimes real men wish that women would understand just one simple concept of attraction: beauty of the skin and a great body figure will fade away, but the greatest of beauties is the beauty of the heart and the strength in a woman’s personality. Of course a man is attracted to your outer beauty too, but he won’t be feeding on that beauty daily nor will it help him welcome friends and keep/preserve relationships that are meaningful to both of you. He will need something deeper - a great personality that matches that beauty. That’s what will keep him. So ladies, why not put more weight and attention to your character, behavior and inner countenance than spending all the time bellowing about a man who seems distant? Why should other women concern you too much if you at all take care of your personality and your man? Aki promise me that this is what you are going to work on this year. Promise me that you will worry more about your-all-round self image than those shoes or dress you don’t have. Promise me that you will not be insecure about yourself or your man when around other ladies. Promise me o sweet little beau… J

3.      On being THE woman in your man’s life

I grew up knowing that women are always in control. Blame my mother, but that is how I knew women should be. I mean, only girls lack territory. Women have their feet grounded upon their territory, and they let everyone know it. You’ve heard the story about the lioness, right? You’ve even watched it on National Geographic, right? Of how she can kick Father-Lion’s a** and those little cubs to hell when they try to bring in nonsense, right? Yeah, that’s what a woman is all about. But I am not here to imply that women should beat up their men Nyeri style, oh no! That is what girls do: beat up their men, act like tomboys, go on silent mode for a decade in repayment for small mistakes done, torch down a house… Seriously!? A woman who knows that she is in control is not a control freak to her man, but she also doesn’t tolerate nonsense from him. She goes about her business and makes him know when he oversteps boundaries. That is a real woman. A Proverbs 31 kind-of woman. Strive to become one this year.  

4.      On being an attention freak

I know that all women deserve some degree of attention – especially from their men and a few of their fellow women. It is genetic. That is okay. Your man (that is if he is a man and not a boy) should compliment you from time to time, hug you, pamper you, bla bla bla… But why boil with negative emotion(s) over him not complimenting you for a day? Seriously? Why turn down his calls just because he didn’t tell you that you were looking good when he met you in the morning? Stop being childish. Grow up this year.

5.      On independence and the fluffy affirmative action

I’ll be on point on this one: ladies, please stop competing with men this year (or nay other time for that case).

Whoever thinks that equality and equity are useless in matters to do with gender is wrong. However modern we are, or have become, God still values the status that a man should initiate leadership in the home and in relationships. I don’t deny you [ladies] holding leadership positions and owning stuff as a much as men do, that is great. But for once, just be proud that you were born a woman. We will value you as that. Don’t wish to be a man. That is becoming girly and senseless.

Yeah, that’s another one to consider this year.

I have to stop here. This can be longer than you can read, and that is not good for your reading health (nor is it for my writing health)… But, er, to add on something small but relevant: please stop replacing "s" with "x" in any of your writings this year. Leave that to teenagers. :-)

So do we choose to live like we are twenty or like we are fourteen this Twenty-Fourteen?

It is our choice to make.

Bonface Morris. 

Etiquette 101

There are things and behavior people expect of others that they think should be natural. However, with the diversity in cultures and upbringing, this may not always be so and things may not turn out as expected.
With realizing that most things that are taken for granted are the very things that mean the whole world to someone else or some other people, I have given myself to writing a series of "here and there" blog posts that address (from time to time) a few do's and don't's of/in normal human life, and mostly, with the young person in mind... The first post in this series was "21 Signs that You are Growing Up". In this second part of that series, we are going to look at behavior and the good things that are generally expected of us by others but which are rarely talked about. I have divided them into various parts which makes them easy to read through (so I think);

General Life

1. If you promise(d) to call, text, email or "inbox" someone, please do it; and if you may lack "credit" a.k.a. air time on your phone, or became busy, or forgot about it altogether, call back to apologize or beep them or use a friend's phone to call or text them. It is as simple as that; and by the way, it is a great sign of maturity.
2. Learn to return missed calls from unknown numbers. It may be a friend or family member who either lost their phone or their battery got drained; or it may be that link guy (or chiq) you met at a certain meeting and you gave them your business card but forgot to take theirs... All in all, learn the discipline of calling back. It matters.
3. Pay debts. Don't expect people to chase you around begging you to give them back their money. He/she may be your buddy or relative, but when it comes to money, dude/dudette, you betcha pay that dough back!
4. Avoid nose pecking in public. I hope you've heard me, right? ;) Side note: I am a culprit...
5. Don't go to a friend's place, misuse their stuff (read: possessions - from food, to clothing, to personal things) then leave the place dirtier and more deprived of life than you found it. If someone leaves you in charge of their place, ensure that you leave it better than you found it. Period.
6. If you are visiting anyone (be it a friend or family), be sure to inform them beforehand when you'll be traveling, at what time they should expect you, if you'll need to be "picked up" or not and the length of time you expect to be at their place. Days have moved on and things have changed. Forget about "the good old carefree days".
7. Learn to plan your traveling early enough. Write a list of what you'll need so that you won't be found calling out people's names in the dark of the night or later on become an inconvenience to someone somewhere due to forgetting those slippers or soap or woreva...
8. Stop flossing and bragging about your family, business, job, hair, phone (or gadgets), new fashion, shoes, fun-filled-holiday or education. No one needs that. Some don't even care. It makes you look silly.  
9. Not everyone needs your noisy rantings or your so-called "quiet profile". Learn to know how to SWITCH that mouth of yours to fit in people's moods and lives! (^_^)
10. Stop stepping on people's shoes and feet. They feel bad when you do that but they won't actually tell you.
11. Do you have a cold or are you coughing? Use a handkerchief. Cover your mouth. Don't spit your saliva whenever or wherever. Have manners, my friend. 
12. Stop calling or contacting people only when you are in need or only when you need something from them. That is very petty of you.
13. Learn to mind your own business. No one likes it when you keep poking your nose into their personal affairs. It is none of your business.

Dating

1. Apologize if you are late or are going to be late for a date.
2. 2. If it was a date for two, let it remain thus. Don't bring in your friend or young brother or sister or woreva. No baggage pleeeeaaaase.
3. Be yourself. Be easy to be around even though it may not be that easy.
4. Ensure that your date is served first before starting to eat. Allow them to make an order for themselves - unless they request you to.
5. Be polite. Be your best. Be the best date someone can ever be with.
6. Give sincere compliments. They help to ease the moment.
7. Talk less, but listen more. Allow the other person to talk first before you intercept.
8. The man should pay the bill, unless the lady complies to do it. Come rain, come sunshine, a real man should pay the bill for the first date.
9. Escort them out after the date. Board a cab, a taxi or any convenient and available means of transport for the lady. Pay for the transport costs. A serious and mature man should do that. First impressions matter a lot.
10. Call after the date. Call to know if they arrived well, and also call to thank them for the wonderful time you had - even if it wasn't that wonderful, pretend that it was. It makes the other person feel at ease, because dates bring a lot of anxiety and tension. Ease them from wondering, "Did I really do everything right...?" 

Relationships

1. Be open about what you need in a relationship. Guys, and er, ladies, is that so hard to ask of you?
2. Share. Stop being selfish and egocentric.
3. Buy someone a surprise gift. They are the best gifts in the world!
4. Pull chairs. Open doors. Give space. In short, swallow up that pride and give in small spontaneous sacrifices. They mean a lot.
5. Even if hell is breaking loose, a man should never call his lady "fat". A lady should also never call her man "good for nothing". That is the rule in relationships if they have to work.
6. None of you should ever be disrespectful to the other while in public. Etiquette demands that a "couple's" differences should be solved in private. That is a show of maturity.
7. Stop being dumb. Do some favors for people without necessarily being asked or requested! Be intuitive, or in a layman's language, become discerning and thoughful.

Eating

1. Munch that food kimpango. Listen to yourself while eating and judge if you would tolerate another person if they ever munch food that loud. Got it?
2. Considering the amount of food available and the number of guys that are to share it, serve yourself just enough to let others have a share equal to yours. Stop being greedy and a glutton.
3. Don't talk when having food in your mouth. Swallow, then talk.

That is it!



Bonface Morris.

Of Conferences and Behavioral Puddings

I have been there for four days already, no, five; and as expected, I was excited from the moment I realized that I was going to be there for a while. Excitement (I am told) is the catalyst of liking "new experiences". So I was excited mainly because, well, it is normal to be excited; and subwayly because it is abnormal not to. Feigning disgust where the soul should be mesmerized has never helped No?

I went there (maybe) for more than just one reason - so I think. And obviously (to me), I now think that I should stop thinking and instead confess that there should be more than one reason as to why people go to such places: the main known reason and the main unknown reason. The latter is never entirely known (as we love pretending to brand it) but is discovered in the course of existence. The former seems to be the determining factor but it can't survive without the latter. One who exists only for the former enjoys new things in a rather conventional way, but we should not glory only in it because then, we will be killing our mortality...

*I think I've gone out of place there. I think it's some sort of script thunk...*

Maybe I went there for a change of environment because, well, things there were different. Maybe I went for a-kind-of general change. Maybe. Sometimes I don't know things, you know. I don't have to. I don't feel that I have to. 

I may have gone there for excitement or to satisfy it (the excitement). Or both. Or to meet new people. New people? Maybe. I "meet" "new people" everyday anyway: in real life, on  Facebook, on Twitter... I have a bunch of them to deal with on a daily basis. What I am poor at is meeting them. Yeah, meeting them. It may be because I screw them up in my mind before saying, "Hi!?" or that I sometimes just need my uninterrupted "me space" so much so that I push them away before I even approach them. 

So as I "meet new people", I have come to realize that (probably) I enjoy hacking into their minds as an opening to having an experience with them. I am a mind mole of some kind who prefers to know someone on my own before knowing them through receiving information from them. I think I'm very good at that - and I just feel that it is part of what I was there for - in that, I later reward myself for a job well done whenever my predictions are proven to be true after engagement. I do that. I don't care if you shoot me for that or something... ;) I do it anyway.

Side note: In the near future, I should concentrate more on reducing my mind-screwing tendencies *Dear Lord, help me*.

So now I know you think you know why I had gone there but you know what? (I know I should not use that in writing, but well, I author the rules here) I went there for so many things: most of which I have no idea about. Excuse me!? Last time I checked on wisdom, it was written that you can't know all things, right? Yeah, you now get me.

I was at a youth conference organized by my church under the Youth Department. It happens annually. It was in Meru this time round. Young people from all over Kenya come to such places to almost do what I come to do, but weirdly so, in a rather peculiar way.

I love conferences. They are an epitome of a mobile, radical and active society. A complete society. I love complete societies. I love the spiralling of diversity into one great vision and course. I hate sameness. Sameness is boring and predictable. I hate predictability; unless it is about the blessings of God or the rapture.

It is here you meet an illusion of disjointed temperaments. I love this because existing in such spheres is like a game to me. Some kind of mind game. This is where I use the array of opportunities relayed to me to put my mind to work by studying people: by endlessly talking about them in my mind. There were different kinds of young people. There were those you'll keep on asking yourself in a rather sarcastic tone, "Heeey! Is that a youth?" and those you'll keep doubting if they make sense - even to themselves.

My mind has somehow perfected the ability to collect data on people's personalities basing on first impressions. First impressions may not be the true story about people and their personalities, but they are a good pointer towards what to expect from such people.

These data are stored somewhere in a "brain database" that is frequently updated to merge with paradigm shifts in behavioral trends. I may not be accurate all the time, but this helps me get to know people even without talking to them. People are therefore put in categories which determine how I will (or may) work myself around them.

Here are some of them as the maxim for this post and leaning mostly on the guys I "met" at the conference (Studies courtesy of Morris et al ;)):

1. The "Hallelujah!" team

Most of them sit at the front in most conference sessions. They are qualified in shouting the loudest at almost everything that is said. They are the preacher's best partner, and the worship leader's best charmers. It is not necessarily because they are keen and adherent to what is being said, but because they are good at "fooling" the preacher and the worship leader that they are the best listeners. They heckle and jeer their best and maintain a "sober" mood throughout the event. Most of the time they are just attention seekers hidden in the skin of mindful young people. They are the main reason as to why I prefer being a backbencher in most conferences. I wish we had medals for them...

2. The fashionistas

OMG! I used to be one of them. #TrueStory. Remember those days when I used to wear ties to and in conferences? What about those days when I was almost carrying suits to conventions? Remember when I used to prefer a formal dressing code to a casual one, and when I used to care too much just because I had forgotten my iron box at home? Remember when I used to change into evening wear from wanting to have a "decent evening look"? Yeah, that proves that I have ever been a victim of fashion and style in conferences - until I became old. It is then that I thought that swag was all about the grooming. Just like them, I cared too much about what I wore, how I wore it, when I wore it and why... I now care less. Yeah, you can hang me already, but I care less.

3. The melodramatic kings and queens

Just like the first group, these are attention seekers too. The added weirdness is that they are cheap and stupid. They desperately seek to stand out as comedians - fake comedians. They sit on or take "your" chair in your absence. If you queue for food or any other goodies, they'll make themselves the indomitable first place holders. Of course they expect you to react to their actions so that drama may unfold. And drama does unfold - if you too are into drama. 

4. The Saints

There are moments you wish you were like them, you know: the waking up early to attend morning devotions, the sitting in the front pew as "good disciples", the discipline with which they carry themselves, the angst in their eyes, gestures and movements... But those moments of endless adoration suddenly fade away once you spot out some few things about them;

a) They are too good. Yeah, that kinda gets into my nerves. Being good is great, but it pushes us away. It makes us run away from you wondering at what you may be hiding underneath...

b) They have no social life. Hold on. That means that you have to breath, eat and drink Scripture with them lest you be tagged the unspiritual one.

c) There's no 'being real' in their world. They are mortals that hail their lives in immortal codes. They refute close engagement with the opposite sex. To them, God has to initiate and do all things. They are absurd. Really absurd.

They appear radical by getting involved in almost every important session that comes along, but, well, I am radical too...;)

I avoid them. I normally think that they belong to another world altogether, a world I'm not worthy to fit in.

5. The "Me" team

I belong here. The problem is: I can't describe myself quite well. But there are few things people like me do in conferences: we mind our own business, we sit at the center or at the back of the hall, we are mostly social and antisocial at the same time, we get involved in the available activities but with limited commitment, we positively (and negatively) judge and criticize almost everything that happens or that we come across, we miss meals (a hand clap please) because we either prefer eating 'out' or we disappear to go out to have fun only to come back and find out that everything that matters has already happened... Foodies may belong here too. We are the weird type. Mostly, we do nothing. Our interests are diverse. We fit in all societies. And that's why we love conferences: new environments, new experiences and new people.

Does that make us carnal? I don't think so. I think it makes us normal. *Huko ni kujitetea.*

So as I write this post (I'm in a bus heading back home by the way) I am wondering if you belong to one of the groups above or if you have your own. It actually doesn't matter. What matters is if you are able to enjoy the conferences, conventions or seminars you attend, because either way, you should always come out changed and with lots of new friends...!

Keep the effort buzzing.

Cheers!!!


Bonface Morris.