Side note: This is my first blog from a series of posts this year celebrating February as "the month of love". Read the second one here: Relationships and Short Stories: Thirty Dates, One Truth
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So I've sat down and I've been thinking: how many of us in relationships don't sit down - intentionally or not - meet another person of the opposite sex, and start comparing this new dude/lady with our bae and thinking that they are better? That they might make a better bae than the one we already have? It happens a lot, eh?
So I've sat down and I've been thinking: how many of us in relationships don't sit down - intentionally or not - meet another person of the opposite sex, and start comparing this new dude/lady with our bae and thinking that they are better? That they might make a better bae than the one we already have? It happens a lot, eh?
We would find ourselves rolling our thoughts to and from, in and out, within and without, trying to figure out existing/evidential possibilities that maybe this person we are in a relationship with may not be "the one". (Even at such times denying the truth that Pastor Matt Chandler of The Village Church tells us: that there is no-one called "the one", and we should not waste our precious time dreaming of having a "perfect" relationship with them. That's dreamland sweetheart, leave it alone.)
Anyway, in our encouraged day-dreaming, this other person seems perfect. And real. And inducing a state of hypnosis that just can't be brushed off. He/she laughs and smiles like an angel. He/she has a perfect body. A perfect smile. Dreamy eyes. He/she happens to say just the right thing(s), has more ambition and direction than your bae, they're more intelligent, they seem to have all the time for you, their jokes are original, they dress gloriously, and their devotion to God seems deeper than that of your bae - maybe he/she even serves God better. Of course, in most cases - and if not, all - our baes are normally not lacking in these departments, but we encourage our bingeing on these thoughts nevertheless.
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| Is the grass always greener on the other side? |
Frankly, between the two of us and our better halves, we are good. No fishy underground undertakings.
Anyway, the other day, just as a joke, I asked her: what if you truly were my girlfriend? She laughed. I told her I was serious. I mean, everyone thinks so. (Confessions, meeen, haha.) People think we were "good together". (Those are misplaced observations, but it happens. People always think all they want to think. They will always think that they know what's right for you. They don't. No, they don't. Only God knows what is right for you.)
This is what she told me: "I seem interesting because you haven't got me. You don't have me. I am not easy to handle. I am stubborn, and a nuisance, and full of what you wouldn't like to have for yourself." I laughed.
Although I laughed, that answer really got me thinking, thus the birth of this post.
I mean, isn't this what is happening in our relationships everyday and what is causing grown up men and women (even men and women of the cloth) to be fooled into thinking "I married the wrong person" or "I think I'm in a relationship with the wrong person"? Or "This is not the person God planned for me, I have found 'the one'". Kwani where were they when they decided to be in their current relationship?
This, my dear friends, is a real snarl and temptation which if left unattended and unguarded, will escalate into one or both of the following: infidelity or emotional cheating. This is a talk on why we tend to think that the grass is "greener on the other side". And here are a few reasons why I think we keep running into desiring the "greener" grass:
1. The fondness
When you are fond of another person more than you are fond of your bae, they always seem more interesting. I mean, you love their company, their jokes, their random dates (lunch, coffee, "meet my buddies", tiny parties e.t.c.). Things which your bae totally lacks. You give in to this other person's texts and inboxes and DMs and calls and WhatsApps and imo's and all kinds of interactions, but you deny your bae every right to your time. It is even made worse when the "greener" side has an ex involved. Emotional cheating is looming but, dear, you don't seem to care. That is you thinking that "it is greener on the other side." By the way, this is why players are always on top of the dating game, and this is why naive Christians are preferring them to their "boring" partners. (Although I won't deny it, some of us are pathetic boyfriends or girlfriends.)
When you are fond of another person more than you are fond of your bae, they always seem more interesting. I mean, you love their company, their jokes, their random dates (lunch, coffee, "meet my buddies", tiny parties e.t.c.). Things which your bae totally lacks. You give in to this other person's texts and inboxes and DMs and calls and WhatsApps and imo's and all kinds of interactions, but you deny your bae every right to your time. It is even made worse when the "greener" side has an ex involved. Emotional cheating is looming but, dear, you don't seem to care. That is you thinking that "it is greener on the other side." By the way, this is why players are always on top of the dating game, and this is why naive Christians are preferring them to their "boring" partners. (Although I won't deny it, some of us are pathetic boyfriends or girlfriends.)
2. We forget that love is a war.
Love is a war. If we don't keep fighting for our relationships and intentionally seek positive change from both sides, another person who seems "to get it" will always get more of our attention.
That's why I normally say that a relationship without fights is a time bomb waiting to explode. Meaningful fights mean that you both want the same thing: (a) that you both are still interested in each other and in the relationship, and (b) you both would like to see the other person becoming better. This thing of "he/she took me as I am" is great, (it is commonplace and acceptable) but if your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't want to see you improve or become better, baby, I'm smelling plastic. It's gonna melt soon.
Love is a war. If we don't keep fighting for our relationships and intentionally seek positive change from both sides, another person who seems "to get it" will always get more of our attention.
That's why I normally say that a relationship without fights is a time bomb waiting to explode. Meaningful fights mean that you both want the same thing: (a) that you both are still interested in each other and in the relationship, and (b) you both would like to see the other person becoming better. This thing of "he/she took me as I am" is great, (it is commonplace and acceptable) but if your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't want to see you improve or become better, baby, I'm smelling plastic. It's gonna melt soon.
3. Commitment
Commitment is two-way: (a) as long as you're not committed to the other person (the one perceived as "greener grass"), it will always seem sweet, and (b) if your relationship is casual (what postmodernists actually call "an open relationship"), greener grass will always have a leeway.
When there is no baggage, the promise of an infinite thrill, no tantrums, no pettiness, no "blackouts", no "catching ma-feelings", no mood swings... You will always love to swing on the pendulum of unpredictable and incoherent relationships. You will always find comfort in the "grass is greener on the other side" mantra.
4. The tendency to think that a relationship with the other person will ultimately solve our own impeding relationship problems.
Commitment is two-way: (a) as long as you're not committed to the other person (the one perceived as "greener grass"), it will always seem sweet, and (b) if your relationship is casual (what postmodernists actually call "an open relationship"), greener grass will always have a leeway.
When there is no baggage, the promise of an infinite thrill, no tantrums, no pettiness, no "blackouts", no "catching ma-feelings", no mood swings... You will always love to swing on the pendulum of unpredictable and incoherent relationships. You will always find comfort in the "grass is greener on the other side" mantra.
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| Cheating is the new 'normal' in relationships that lack commitment. |
You know when a rebound mechanism is effected in order to counter a real/existing catastrophe? Yes, that's what happens when people are trying to run away from solving their own relationship problems.
They end up spreading their gangrene into their next relationships.
Stop for a while and figure it out. Okay, aren't we most prone to fall into emotional cheating or unfaithfulness or infidelity when our own relationships are on the rocks? When our relationships are in seasons of hardship, other people (even the most absurd) seem tastier, sweeter and more attractive.
We should strive to work on the disagreements in our relationships, because the other person (the "greener" grass) will eventually (sooner or later) face the reality that the demons that made us unacceptable in our previous relationship have not yet been annihilated, and they'll come haunting them too.
They end up spreading their gangrene into their next relationships.
Stop for a while and figure it out. Okay, aren't we most prone to fall into emotional cheating or unfaithfulness or infidelity when our own relationships are on the rocks? When our relationships are in seasons of hardship, other people (even the most absurd) seem tastier, sweeter and more attractive.
We should strive to work on the disagreements in our relationships, because the other person (the "greener" grass) will eventually (sooner or later) face the reality that the demons that made us unacceptable in our previous relationship have not yet been annihilated, and they'll come haunting them too.
5. Lack of contentment with where we are and what we already have in our current relationships.
Relationships are not a one day affair. They don't become great and perfect in a week. I repeat: relationships need hard work in order to work. Impatience makes us think, "Aaaah, I think I should just get out." Or "Maybe God wants me out, this dude/lady ain't 'the one'".
I can't deny that there are moments when we are justified to move out (those reasons need a whole blog post of their own), but the postmodern mentality of solving issues by running away from them will leave the world a loveless arena that is full of bitter people.
We need to reach a point where we decide: "I'm proud of this relationship and the far we've come. I'm also proud of where we are headed. I wanna give it my all, so dear Lord, please help me."
Because if we lack such a drive, no relationship will ever work for us. We'll keep on looking for "the one" until Christ comes back. And we'll meet him single. (Sic).
Relationships are not a one day affair. They don't become great and perfect in a week. I repeat: relationships need hard work in order to work. Impatience makes us think, "Aaaah, I think I should just get out." Or "Maybe God wants me out, this dude/lady ain't 'the one'".
I can't deny that there are moments when we are justified to move out (those reasons need a whole blog post of their own), but the postmodern mentality of solving issues by running away from them will leave the world a loveless arena that is full of bitter people.
We need to reach a point where we decide: "I'm proud of this relationship and the far we've come. I'm also proud of where we are headed. I wanna give it my all, so dear Lord, please help me."
Because if we lack such a drive, no relationship will ever work for us. We'll keep on looking for "the one" until Christ comes back. And we'll meet him single. (Sic).
6. When your current relation "ship" is consistently hitting the routine iceberg.
This is the situation: you two have been in that relationship for two years, yet you keep solving, fighting about and disagreeing on the same issues over and over again. Also, you seem to be doing the same things, at the same time, in the same way and in the same places. Forever. That's dangerous. (Most of us who in one tiny way or another seem to be inclined towards perfectionism tend to think routine is a good thing by the way.)
Routine (as my bae has been slowly teaching me) is such a killer of intimacy. Getting out of our comfort zones can be helpful in breaking monotony and sparking that interest again.
Change the way you solve conflicts, the places you visit, the stuff you do together, the things you talk about... (Even saying "I love you" every day seems to get boring after a while. Really.)
This is the situation: you two have been in that relationship for two years, yet you keep solving, fighting about and disagreeing on the same issues over and over again. Also, you seem to be doing the same things, at the same time, in the same way and in the same places. Forever. That's dangerous. (Most of us who in one tiny way or another seem to be inclined towards perfectionism tend to think routine is a good thing by the way.)
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| A ship and an iceberg is exemplary of a relationship that has hit a stall. |
Change the way you solve conflicts, the places you visit, the stuff you do together, the things you talk about... (Even saying "I love you" every day seems to get boring after a while. Really.)
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My verdict: grass is never greener on the other side. It may seem to be, but it is not. It may seem to have some great watering but we should work on watering our own. It may seem promising, but we already have our own. It may seem convincing, but it might as well be conniving.
My verdict: grass is never greener on the other side. It may seem to be, but it is not. It may seem to have some great watering but we should work on watering our own. It may seem promising, but we already have our own. It may seem convincing, but it might as well be conniving.
My own relationship is teaching me that patience and intentional growth are things that are very dear to a relationship. Your bae becomes "the one" when both people in a relationship decide to work hard on it and make it better.
PS: Read the next post from this series here: Relationships and Short Stories: Thirty Dates, One Truth
Bonface Morris.
