Stop the Killings!

Note:

These are my personal views on current murders of ladies in relationships that go wrong (in one way or another).

First, we shouldn't be seeking to blame anyone. I think seeking for a person to blame is a wrong approach. The good approach would be: why - in the first palce - is it happening?

And I can say this: it's a matter of identity crisis with both the young women and the young men in our society today. 

It is happening because people have transferred their identity from what God says they are to what society and themselves think they should be. 

Lemme explain:

1. Men (wanaume) struggle a lot with rejection and withheld honor. If a man has not established well in his heart and mind who he is, he is likely to go psychotic when denied what he was demanding for. Hii ndio Amerix huita "not losing your form", and it may be one of the few times I agree with him (that men should know who they are and establish who they are well before getting into relationships).

Getting your "form" (which in Christianity we call "identity") itafanya men to stop objectifying and victimizing women, stop them from becoming uncontrollably emotional and stop them from making unrealistic demands of their women. And this will stop the killings. 

Amerix offers a physical way of gaining "form" which is temporary; God offers a permanent way of gaining identity that is permanent: become like Jesus - who instead of hitting, insulting and hating people, loved people and minded His own business without caring what people said even after He was rejected by men and they refused to honor Him after all He had done for them.

2. Women (wanawake) struggle a lot with lack of money and the quest for attention. If a woman finds a way to meet her daily demands for money which will make her look a certain way and boost her ego to arouse more attention in men, she is likely not to think twice so long us she'll get the money and the attention. 

In most cases, money seems to be the thing that helps a woman build her identity or "the female form"... Which is mostly about how she'll look and how society will interpret her looks vis-a-vis other women in the society. She struggles with making herself to look in a certain way and wants attention while doing it. Men know it and offer the money to help her achieve her goal. 

Ladies should understand that God has said many things concerning their insecurities and offers a far better solution to them than money or people around them. That solution is Jesus. If a lady accepts Him, He will show her what real worth is and she will thirst no more for the attention she is seeking for from men. He will teach her to be patient with who she is becoming, to face Him and tell Him her needs, to stop depending on mankind for her validity and needs and to lean on His promises because Jesus is the only man that has never lied.

This will establish her identity on solid ground. 

***

Now, when a man that lacks identity meets a woman that as well hasn't believed what God says she is, what comes out is chaos: murder, violence, envy, jealousy, hatred, badmouthing, prostitution, orgies, immorality, lust e.t.c. All these sins come from a place of imbalance due to lack of "form" or identity in both men and women. 

It doesn't matter how it begun and how it's culminating, it's all about identity crisis.

The boychild should understand that his worth is not in being accepted by women but in being accepted (and never rejected) by God and ladies should know that their worth is neither in how they look nor how they're wanted and appreciated by people but in what God has said concerning them. 

When we establish this in every young person, then they won't kill or dictate and we won't be running around looking for love and money in the wrong places. 

Peace. 

Morris 2.0.

Always Ask

Let me share with us some tiny wisdom I have learned over time. The wisdom is this: when in doubt, always ask. It costs you nothing to ask. 

*******
Have you ever been in a situation where things were being said about someone you know quite well and you didn't know what to make of it? 

It may have been that what was being said was either true or false; you just didn't have enough evidence to verify the facts. And this kept you "hanging in there" waiting for the story to end so that you may deeply reflect on the allegations. 

With such scenarios playing a lot in my life of late, I have come to realize that if you depend on another person to tell you the whole story of another person, there will always be bias (good or bad.) 

Take for instance a story an old man - who should be respectable according to public understanding - told me about a year ago: that this lady we both know and with whom we had been interacting several times had been pregnant in a manner I don't know and had given birth to a baby I had never seen. 

Not that she couldn't get pregnant, but the story startled me because for the whole period the allegations were being thrown against her, I had been seeing her in perfect "babylessness".

Now, after listening to the story, I sensed that it was sh*t. Yes, I just said that. The story was sh*t. It was that way because it had so many holes:

1. There hadn't been any visible evidence of a pregnancy: there was neither a baby bump nor any other physiological changes associated with pregnancies for all the time I was interacting with her. 

2. There was no need for me to know about someone's private affairs like a relationship or a pregnancy. Those two things are private, and him telling me about them without the consent of the lady meant that this old man had no respect for people's privacy. I felt like shutting him down. 

3. Why would he care about it anyway if he was going to do nothing about it but just report to Morris? Am I God? Or had God appointed him as an accusing angel to talk about what goes wrong where and with whom? 

See? That's what made me write this blog. Stuff like that makes me feel bad about how people approach other people's successes or failures. 

And for that matter, if you're faced with such ballooned stories in life, you got a few options with you; 
1. Face the story-teller and shut them down, or 
2. Say nothing, or 
3. Do what this blog post is advising you to do: ask. Ask both the victim of the story and the story-teller to sync the two points of view. 

In my case, I picked number two. I said nothing. 

Why? Because 
1. the evidence was clear that none of what he was saying was true; and 
2. silence ensures that he won't bring me any of those fake stories any time soon once he realizes that I don't give comments on people's private lives. 

It may be that you have heard funny stories about a prominent person or a great leader; or that someone is blaming the leadership in a certain place for a certain mess. Either shut that person up, say nothing, ask the story-teller how sure they are that what they are saying is true or go ask the person being badmouthed if what is being said is true. After that, deal with whatever truth you find in a gracious way. 

Here are some other things you can do:

1. Verify a story first before drawing conclusions. 
Go to the victim and get their story before you draw a conclusion. There are always two sides to a story. Get both before victimizing anyone. 
Proverbs 18:17 (ESV) "The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him."

2. Don't poke your nose into people's private lives. It's none of your business. 
Don't go investigating without prior background information. You may end up being a gossip-monger. Even the Bible supports this here: 1 Thessalonians 4:11 (NIV) "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you."

3. Only pray to God or pass on the information to other parties for help after getting the whole story. 
Don't give the devil a chance to play you into his conniving slanderous schemes. 

Conclusion
Here's a simplified version of what I'm saying... 
1. Quietly listen and understand. 
2. Ask questions to get views from both sides. 
3. Take action. 

It costs you nothing to ask, so always ask. 

God bless. 

Bonface Morris. 

If Your Drawing Board and Your Strategy Are the Same Thing, You're Finished

Some of us know how to deal with failure: we put the bitter truth on a plate, stare at it, muse over it, eat it with haste and and move on. But most of us don't.

And this happens (not being able to deal with failure) mostly when we have all our eggs (hopes and dreams) in one basket (in one person, strategy or plan). It is when we cannot comfortably put that plate of failure on the table and eat it. We pretend to focus elsewhere, albeit to kill the urge to eat the failure-feed, but mostly, always falling short. Then we may either end up blaming the plate, the table or the chair instead of focusing on the failure-feed.

So, the question now is: when our present failed strategy is and was our only way out, what do we do?

I'm afraid to say that if your drawing board and your strategy were/are the same thing, then you're done. You're finished. You, are, finished.

I'll explain.

Let's imagine that you were invited to a song-writer's competition requiring participants to only sing their best original compositions. Also, participants may write as many good songs as they wish. But as for you, even after knowing these good rules, you came to the auditions with only one BEST song written by you.

Your strategy would be: "This is my best song, it will work, it will win me the award. The judges will listen to it and fall in love with it, and it will help me trump every other competitor. I have the BEST song, therefore there is no need to worry." Why do you feel overconfident? Because it is the best song! It is YOUR best song.

Unbeknownst to you, there is someone else thinking the same way as you are but they have their other three "BEST" songs.

What they are doing is this: they are imagining, "If the judges won't like this first BEST song of mine, I'll unleash my other BEST song; and if they won't think the second one is worth their ears, I'll still point them towards my other BEST song." If your competitor's BEST songs are in different genres and with different strengths in composition and lyricism, you're finished. They'll win, and you'll fail. Why will they win? Because they will be thinking about "BESTNESS" with regard to the judges, not themselves!

Back to the point though...

Now, imagine a situation where the judges listen to your one BEST song (which will actually happen if every other competitor was as well prepared as you were) and after they're undecided, they chose to ask you for a second song: "Hey! Do you have any other song you've written apart from this one?" Guess what you will tell them... Nonsense. You'll tell them nonsense.

You'll end up as the runners-up (or not, depending on the competition), not because you are a bad song writer but because you're a poor strategist. You thought your one song was enough, but your competitor came in with more tools to win. It was a do-or-die for them, it wasn't for you. So when they unleash their second song, you'll be wishing you had a "drawing board" to go back to. But you wouldn't be having any. Why? Because your drawing board was your strategy - you had already utilized its significance. Your one song was your do-or-die strategy.

This simply means this: whenever you have an opportunity to compete, don't EVER undermine your opponent. You'd be better be ruthless at wanting something than play around with wanting it then lose it in the end. You'd better be prepared for the worst, and the best may just end up smiling at you; than thinking that you are the best only to realize that the best is actually better and smarter than you in many ways.

I hope you learn this whenever you fail: that two arrows are always better than one. The second arrow enables you to eat your failure-feed with pints of salt.

End Note: The only place where our strategy and our drawing board are allowed to be the same is in our relationships and when dealing with God.

Bonface Morris.

Musings From My Birthday

Musings from my birthday

I don't know about you, but birthdays never really mattered to me in my early 20s. 

I used to think that people who fuss over birthdays are just being petty. Actually, I still feel that way but with a bit of salt because I have come to know people with all kinds of personalities; and I now understand why birthdays are a big deal to some and not that much of a big deal to others.

I'm older now, and I'm realizing that the older I grow, the more introspective I become. (Even so, the pettier I become.) And being introspective means having a self consciousness that never attempts to overlook my own pettiness. I have grown older, therefore I have grown pettier. And I have become more introverted than people really think I am. I only yap when I should. Isn't that what introverts do? (Haha)

I analyze statements, emotions, patterns, words, gestures, eye language, body language, silence, many words, few words, smirks... I don't overthink. No, I don't. I simply analyze. I analyze all kinds of stupid things in people. But mostly, I analyze if I really matter to them. I analyze because I want to understand people. I don't want to go around beating the air as far as people are concerned.

I analyze if I have impacted people's lives in these many years I have been in this world. I analyze my relationships. I analyze how the most important people in my life react to life changes and how they treat me in the different phases of life. I analyze how I make them feel. I analyze where their relationships with other people and with God seem to be going. 

Here is why I get deeper into the burden of understanding people and their life patterns: because, I somehow always have this Maya Angelou quote running at the back of my mind when I interact with people: "I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". 

Lemme say it again: people will never forget how you make them feel. 

I don't have to be perfect around people, I just have to make them feel something - something that will bring a change in their lives. That is my life goal.

I want it to be told that when I lived down here on earth, I at least managed to make people feel the following things:

1. Hatred

Yes. I want you to be able to hate something and hate it really well. Not to hate people, but to hate something. Hatred is the one emotion that changes everything. I want someone to be able to say, "Morris stirred up my heart to hate sex before marriage, to hate the devil, to hate sin, to hate being violent and inconsiderate, to hate being a naggard, to hate, hate and hate..."

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me hate the things that God hates."

2. Love

I want someone to arise and say, "Morris makes me feel loved and he shows me how to love people. He arouses within me the ability and passion to love. He makes me love God, love people, love the right things and love myself."

I want someone to face me and tell me: YOU TOUCH MY HEART. (Actually, someone I truly love woke up this morning and told me amongst many other beautiful words: YOU TOUCH THE HEARTS OF MANY.) 

I don't know how I touch people, but if I do touch, I hope I do touch their hearts to enable them to respond to God and to love and to be able to give it back to others.

Also, if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me love the things that God loves."

3. Included

I want people to have a feeling of inclusivity when they are around me. I want them to feel, "Morris won't leave me out of this, he's got my back. If he is there, we are all covered."

I want people to feel a sense of confidence when they think about me: to be sure of themselves. I want them to know deep down in their hearts that they are special. I don't want them to think, "Aahhh, what a selfish, egocentric, narcissistic prude!" but "Aaaah, what a selfless, generous and self-sacrificing friend."

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me to be considerate of others with the selflessness of Christ."

4. Happiness

Have I ever made you laugh? Laugh until the clouds turned into stars? Until the dark become a light before your eyes? I don't know about you, but I do make myself laugh. I am weird: so weird that I even laugh at myself.

I want it to be told that I cheer up a room. I want people to be proud that I'm coming, to expect to be happy. I want someone to say, to the glory of God, "Morris, please come. We need your laughter there. We need your laughter."

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me laugh. The joy of the Lord resides within you."

5. Think

I want to help people think. Think deeper, think wider and think with open minds. I want them to think about life down here and life through eternal eyes. 

I want them to think until they feel they are making the right choices. I want the feeling that comes out of their thoughts and choices to be a feeing of satisfaction and surety. I want it to be said of me, "Morris makes me think really hard about my life choices and where I am headed. He makes me reconsider my choices in life."

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me feel proud of the choices I made in my life in such and such an area and at such and such a time."

6. God

Forget about everything else I have just said, friends. Forget it all and just hold on to this one. This last one. Yes, this is more important than the rest. 

After all has been said and done, I want people to say of me, "He makes me feel God. He makes me draw closer to Jesus and sense His Holy Spirit. He makes me realize who I am in God." 

I want people to see, feel, touch, know, glorify, delight in, find satisfaction in, bless, magnify and acknowledge God through me. I am part of the body of Christ, so I want to help reveal Him to people. I want to be that kind of vessel that God uses to reach the masses for Himself. I don't want to be at the center of it all, I just want to be a conduit - a pathway that God uses to reach His people. That's my duty on earth, so help me God.

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a people to come to me, face me and tell me: "Morris, you make us see God, experience Him and know Him. May He bless you on our behalf." 

*******

People, don't tell these things to my grave, it won't hear you. Tell them to me right now, when I can hear it. And I know - oh yes, I know - that the same Spirit that kept Christ humble will keep me humble for the glory of God. Let us all be proud that God had a reason to bring me to your lives.

That's my legacy.

*******

PS: And whatever this blog post makes you feel, don't keep it to yourself. At least tell it to God. (Haha). 

Bonface Morris.

Stuff I Learned and Discovered Last Year (2016 Edition)

Stuff I learned from 2016

This is a summary of my journal entries from the year 2016 in point form. 2016 was a year of deep learning for me by the way. Feel free to pick quotes from these lessons: that's what  they are for anyway.

If you may be interested in more entries from previous years, read more on what I learned in 2013 here, in 2014 here and in 2015 here.

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Lessons on life and personal growth

1. Sometimes you stick in the same place for a while not because you don't want to grow, but because you want others to come to where you are. At such times, you only grow inward because growth on the outside will cause an imbalance. And you don't want that.

2. If you want to know something more about the character of a mother, look at her sons. Sons almost always replicate the mannerisms of their mothers. Almost always. 

I observed a few mother-son relationships and discovered this: a boy is almost always as good or as bad as his mother.

3. Probably, one of the worst things in the world is to have a useless voice; a voice that is always sidelined and neglected. A ghost voice.

People with ghost voices are very defensive; sometimes from within but mostly it is seen in how they decide to not follow and do things with the masses.

4. Don't waste time thinking too much and worrying about tomorrow's outcome that you have no control over; instead, enjoy and work out today to your level best. At least when tomorrow comes, you'll be proud that you did your best today.

5. In 2016, I came to appreciate the importance of hard cover books; not fully though. They came in handy when power blackouts came about.

6. Everyone has an opinion on everything. Even silence, in and of itself, is an opinion.

7. You choose who to befriend. You choose who to propose to. You choose who to marry. It's your choice. The only thing you don't choose is when you'll die.

8. It seems everyone wants to be part of a great story, but very few are ready to be part of the making of that story. Always remember this: that every great thing you see took time and effort.

9. War always precedes greatness.

10. Here is the one single advice I'd give to this generation (both the young and old): listen first, react later.

11. Always know when to give up on an argument or discussion because some people just won't lose - even after realizing they are wrong.

12. Make friends with elderly people: both men and women. Tap from their wisdom on life, family and investment. It may be the best free advice you can ever receive in your whole petty life.

13. Be content with the fact that not everyone will agree with you, no matter how smart you are.

14. This is how scary wisdom has become: for every smart thing you're going to say in this world, always know that there's someone somewhere who knows a little more than you do but they have chosen to say nothing about it.

15. "Online" is now a real place: with buildings, with people, with personalities, with relationships, with cars, with jobs, with churches, with feelings, with clubs, with malls, with roads, with homes, with playgrounds... Online is a place.

16. And don't compare yourself to other people because there will always be someone who is better than you. Appreciate yourself as the best of yourself. That always works.

17. There is now the emergence of something I call "soft pride" where someone agrees that what you're telling them is the right and true thing to do but decide to do against it because they - as individuals or in the present culture they live in - think it doesn't apply to them. 

18. There are days when life requires that you simply stand still, days when you walk, days when you go sprinting, then days when life throws you in for a marathon. Never mix them up.

19. Listening to eBooks by converting them to audiobooks using a Windows Software called Balabolka happened to me last year. It made my ebook-reading life so sweet.

20. Always discern the difference between people respecting you and fearing you, between people envying you and refusing to give you support.

21. This generation is so excited about #Hashtags as if they are THE SOLUTION. They are not THE SOLUTION. They may be part of the solution, but they are not THE solution.

22. That one thing we fail at most but which is required almost everywhere, by everyone and in everything, is consistency. We lack discipline, and that is a problem.

23. The more open-minded you are, the less you judge. I wrote something on open-mindedness here.

Lessons on relationships, family and marriage

1. Relationships do not survive on love. Relationships survive on friendship, on mutual agreement and on trust. Love isn't overrated, but its role is to complement these three (friendship, mutual agreement and trust) and to ensure they smoothly work in unison.

2. I learned that most people don't talk about the real issues in relationships: finances, sex, faithfulness, work, ministry etc. They don't take real steps towards change because they think they'll change once they're married. This is one of the biggest misconceptions about marriage.

3. If you're single and you happen to meet a saved lady or guy that understands what contentment is, don't let her go before you make her yours. It's hard nowadays to get a person that isn't a gold digger, saved or not. 

4. Treat every date you have with your girlfriend as if it's your first date.

5. Things are not what they seem. Campus students, parents, Christians and everyone else should always remember this. Get the details first before making noise about something or fully appreciating anything.

6. If love to you means spending a lot of money, then you have not known love.

Lessons on leadership

1. The level of our commitment is shown in our consistency, not in our good words.

2. Greatness is when you ask for help even when you think you don't need it.

3. I sat down and wrote two constitutions for different groups I lead in church: the Youth and the Worship Team. It proved quite exhausting but it is becoming very key in bringing the change we all desire.

4. Reasonable millennials desire authenticity more than they crave "coolness". Always know that. 

PS: I actually wrote a blog about this here.

5. Never underestimate the intelligence of your readers and listeners.

6. A leader should never expect those under him/her to pursue a vision that the leader is not into; unless that leader is only a leader by title and not by action.

7. As a leader you need to learn to respect people's decisions, whether good or bad.

8. As a leader, be a person of your word. Be the first one to be faithfully committed to the words you say. People only trust people who do what they say they will do.

9. People follow the momentum given by the leader. When he/she says that they can't, it's almost true that the whole team can't.

10. As a leader, learn to face the outcome of your decisions whether good or bad.

11. Ideas are great; but ideas without an actionable plan, they are just wishful thinking.

12. I am a horrible counselor, but I can make a good coach. Why? Because I am too action-oriented. Just sitting around listening to someone without offering direction feels offensive to me. 

13. Have nothing to do with people who think that you can't slay giants. You are made for more.

14. Leadership within meetings is a one-sided kind of leadership. Very ineffective.

15. If someone else can do it, please allow them to do it.

And then there was a whole blog on what I have learned in leadership in the past 10 years. read it here.

Lessons on Christian living

1. The tragedy is not knowing Scripture. No. The tragedy within most of us Christians today is resolving to speak out Scripture only in order to sound "spiritual". We actually don't believe what it is saying. That's the tragedy. We argue with God because we think His ideas are outdated. That's the tragedy.

2. I've realized one thing in my walk with God: that in order to mesmerize us, He has a habit of coming in full force to help us just after we have given up on ourselves.

3. I discovered that people's understanding of the Christian life and how it should be lived is messed up. People excuse quite a number of things, including; sex before marriage, worrying, lack of faith, conforming to the world e.t.c.

4. People want perfection, God wants brokenness; people want to give you praise, God wants to make you whole. Notice the difference.

5. God and man may give you advice/counsel, (which you may choose to accept or reject), but it has always been and it will always be your choice.

6. The past will always haunt us. It is therefore our responsibility to make today a better past for tomorrow; so that whatever will haunt us tomorrow from today will be good memories, a stable and praiseworthy foundation and a life lived for the glory of God.

7. God is always in a good mood.

8. The problem today is not that there are no answers in life; the problem is that we give up so fast. We give up so fast on almost everything: on God, on friends, on family, on people, on systems, on our relationships and marriages, on life... we give up so fast. That's the problem.

Various quotes from books, podcasts, movies, TV shows, sermons and various web articles
1. God does not drive an ambulance - Pastor Matt Chandler.

2. Being a leader is not about being perfect, it's about weathering a storm and carrying on - 

from The Last Ship (TV Show), Season 2 Episode 9.

3. Sometimes saving one life - if it's the right life - is enough - 

from Person of Interest (TV Show), Season 5 Episode 13.

4. There are 3 words you should drop from your leadership vocabulary starting now: someone, something and someday. Read more here. 

5. A woman that can be bought isn't worth having. - 

from Marvel's Daredevil (TV Show), Season 1 Episode 4.

6. Instagram leads to depression - Pastor Matt Chandler.

7. Dating without the intent of getting married is like going to the grocery store with no money. You either leave unsatisfied or you take something that isn’t yours - Jefferson Bethke.

8. I picked up a number of quotes from an interview Perry Noble (a pastor) had with Mark Driscoll (Google him if you don't know him - that's one pastor who knows how to bounce back!). Here are the quotes:
(a) In this internet age, communication has become instant, constant, global and permanent.
(b) There are three kinds of people leaders deal with: wise (are teachable and learn from their mistakes), foolish (these just want to argue and shift blames) and evil (they just want to hurt you.)
(c) The fruit of a good theology is love. A good theology results in loving relationships. 

9. As you search for the truth about God, understand that it's best to deal with the subject of sin before you deal with the subject of prayer. When you ask God to forgive you for the things you've done, your sin will no longer be a barrier in your relationship with Him. 

- from my Devotionals. 

10. Atheism is not an ignorance problem but a preference problem: preferring self to God - John Piper. 

11. In the end, our success is not about us, it's all about God. You take Him out of the equation, you got nothing - Hillsong UNITED's Joel Houston in an interview about their movie "Hillsong - Let Hope Rise".

12. Consistency separates winners from wannabes, and diligence makes the difference between all-time greats and one-hit wonders - Pastor Steven Furtick.

13. Quotes from Elevation Church's #CodeOrangeRevival 2016: 

(a) There is a sound for revival and there is a rhythm for revival, but the time of revival is NOW - Christine Caine.

(b) Revival is when God shows me who I am today and besides that, He also unleashes the picture of me after an extraordinary encounter with Him, and asks me, "Hey, which one do you wanna be?"

(c) God can do the impossible, and He often calls us to do the impractical. - Levi Lusko. 

(d) Evidently, our world glorifies the finished product, but God glorifies the process. - Carl Lent (Senior Pastor, Hillsong New York).

(e) Do not focus on the platform, focus on faithfulness. If it is God’s plan for your life, allow Him to bring you the platform. And because your focus has always been on faithfulness, this will then sustain your platform. 

(f) It is impossible to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature - Peter Scazzero

14. I date music, but I'm married to worship - Travis Greene. 

15. The four pillars that lead to ministry success are; (a) don't focus on growing the church, focus on growing people, (b) character and integrity (not charisma) (c) humility and (d) generosity - 

from an interview between Rick Warren and Justin Blaney (founder of Innovate 4 Jesus.)

16. Yes, God is for us; but ultimately, God is for God - Pastor Matt Chandler. 

17. Ladies, imagine your future sons turning out like your boyfriend. If that thought makes you cringe, you should probably break up - Jefferson Bethke.

18. We are not waiting for the move of God, we are the move of God - Pastor Steven Furtick.

19. At the center of our anxiety is our pride - Pastor Steven Furtick. 

20. If you cannot be honest with yourself, how can you get the truth out of anyone else? - 

from Quantico (TV Show).

21. You will never know your capacity, how far you can go, until you accept a challenge - Pastor Steven Furtick.

22. Your freedom affects more than just you - Cameron McAllister, RZIM.

23. The idea of love in the absence of truth is meaningless - Michael Ramsden, RZIM. 

24. Quotes from LEADING YOUNG (a leadership hard cover book by one Gibson Anduvate): your leadership will be determined by what motivates your decisions. If you want to be the kind of leader who wields true life-giving influence, you must choose to serve... and... many aspire to leadership but few have what it takes. The younger generation of leaders is looking for role models and mentors but they are few and hard to come across. 

Bonface Morris.

Relationships: Unraveling Unconditional Love

Relationships: unraveling unconditional love

Whenever I hear someone say, "I want a relationship where someone will love me unconditionally", what I always seem to hear is this: I want a relationship where I'll remain unchanged as a being, where I'll make no effort to know and please the other person and where I'll continue being self-centered and uncaring.

In summary, all I hear when someone says they want a relationship (or marriage for that matter) where they will be loved unconditionally, I understand them as needing a relationship where they will remain being single.

Well, after saying this, it seems that I've already taken a stand as far as unconditional love is concerned. Judge for yourself from what I say below...

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What is unconditional love?
It is love without expectations.
It is defined as caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves.
Whether this is achievable or not, I'm still yet to understand. Here is what I am saying: I don't know if it is possible for one person to love and care about the happiness of another person without any thought for what they might get in return.

The Bible, God and unconditional love
First and foremost, the Bible reiterates that God is love and love is God: to know God is to know true love. Thus God becomes the best definer, definition and embodiment of love.

Having said that, the Bible shows God's unconditional love (unconditional in case being that we can't earn it) in this manner; look at the following Bible passages:
John 3:16 (NIV) "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son,  that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."
Ephesians 2:8-9 (NIV) 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.
Romans 3:23-24 (NIV) 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

In these Biblical passages;
(a) God is shown to love the world in its sinfulness. He did this by paying for the world's redemption Himself: the world hasn't paid for and cannot pay for God's love and gift because it is free. He gives it free of charge to anyone who would care to receive it.
(b) Salvation is free, it is not earned and that our good deeds do not help earn it so we cannot boast about it. This is where God's unconditional love comes in: that He loves us without requiring anything in return (for payment.)
(c) Our sinfulness is a testimony that we have nothing to give to God in order to remit (or take away) our guilt of sin. Therefore through something called grace (an undeserved favor from God), He extends His mercy and forgiveness to us for free.

Now, after showing us that God's love is free, the next best question to ask is this: is it unconditional? Does God "care about our happiness without any thought for what He might get for Himself in return"? I'll give us a "Yes" and "No" answer, meaning that it goes both ways.

Yes because we truly have nothing of our own to offer God to appease or please Him in exchange for His love. Everything we have belongs to him (Psalms 24:1), thus we would only be giving Him out of the abundance that comes from Him as a gift to us... And even if we would have something to offer, our sin-stained hands and hearts wouldn't be worthy of His holy presence.

And "No" because our works after salvation show that although His love is unconditional and free, the best way to appreciate it is through doing the very thing He did for us to others. Our acts of thanksgiving and appreciation as directed by His Word bring Him glory, thus making it a condition in the way we express love towards Him and others. See the following verses:-

James 2:17 (NIV) "In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
1 John 3:10, 16 (NIV) 10 This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother. 16 This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.

In the two passages, we notice something: that a deep faith in God is best proven by acts of love, and love is only made evident through various noticeable actions to God and those around us. Which therefore means love has conditions: IF someone does not love his brother or lay down his life for his brother, he is not a child of God. Love demands certain actions in order to be evident. Faith, when not accompanied by action is dead. Or we can put it this way: IF faith is not accompanied by actions that show it exists, it is not faith at all.

Side note: In John Chapter 4, worship has conditions too: if we have to claim to worship God, we need to do it in spirit and in truth. IF worship is not done in spirit and in truth, then it's either false worship or no worship at all. That's a condition.

So in this case, there are conditions when showing love to both God and fellow men. In order for love to be proved and tested to be true love, it should be patient, kind, it should not envy, it should not boast, it should not be proud, it should not be rude, it should not be self-seeking, it should not be easily angered, it should not keep a record of wrongs, it should not delight in evil but rejoice with the truth, it should always protect, always trust, always hope, always persevere and never fail. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, NIV).

Now, please pause and show me one person who doesn't expect the other person to love them in the way I have shown us above and I'll show you the one person who loves unconditionally.

Differences between the love of God and the love of men
Here are the key differences between God's love and man's love:
(a) God loves us just because He loves us but mankind loves because of a thing or two; man loves with expectations.
(b) Nothing stops God from loving us, no matter what we do or say, but man's love may cease when we stop doing things that speak to their love language.
(c) God defines love because He is love; man, in his weaknesses, is always learning how to love the way God loves.

Nevertheless, God loves us unconditionally but it does not end there, He expects us to love Him back - and there are conditions on how this should be done (as I have listed above).

Does the Bible demand that Christians love unconditionally?
Yes and No.
Jesus says, "Give and do not expect back" (Luke 6:32-35) This is at the very center of Christianity. Even the Golden Rule states almost the same thing: "love your neighbor as you love yourself." We are expected to give, love, live, serve and do everything without expecting anything in return because that is what we would want others to do for us.

But... We should also look at it this way...

Suppose two Christians are relating or are friends and each one of them is following the Golden Rule (love your neighbor as yourself), isn't it true that one expects the other to do as our Lord has instructed us, thus fulfilling the conditions of love without actually speaking it out?

When we reciprocate love, the conditions of love are met. And here are the conditions: true love is when you love another person like you love yourself or if you love your neighbor as yourself or yet still, if you do to others the very things you would love done to you, then that's true love. That is the condition of love: to love others as we love ourselves.
Therefore, love is not unconditional, so to say.

Where does the notion of unconditional love come from then?
I think the concept of unconditional love is a good concept birthed by God in His Word but it has been popularized and skewed by our present culture which is full of people who want to receive things but give nothing back. It is a culture filled with narcissism. People want too much but they don't want others to expect anything from them. And we always seem to do the same to God: we want Him to love us unconditionally, but we are not ready to commit and obey what He says.

How then do we train ourselves to love unconditionally?
Because love that is unconditional is something we grow into gradually, we should use Scripture to help see the manner in which we ought to love;
1. Love by carrying each other's burdens...
Galatians 6:2 (NIV) "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."
2. Love by and having mercy upon each other and tolerating one another.
Jude 1:22 (NIV) "Be merciful to those who doubt."
3. Love by praying for one another.
James 5:16 (NIV) "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
4. Love by thinking of others to be better than ourselves.
Philippians 2:3 (NIV) "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in hhumility, value others above yourselves."
5. Practice open-mindedness and embrace emotional maturity. Read more about open-mindedness here and about emotional maturity here. 

Conclusion
On God's love...
1. God's love is free, but His love language makes demands out of His followers. There is a way He expects them to act and behave if they have to be loving in the right way. The demands are in God's law and His Holy Spirit which He freely gives to all that accept Him. 
2. We give nothing to deserve God's love, but we have a lot to do in order to show we have received it and it's now filling us. And when we don't do as God tells us, we have not loved as He expects us to love.
3. There are no conditions to receiving God's love, but there are conditions on how to use it and experience it.
4. Unconditional love is the most perfect form of love towards which God wants us to grow. No human being has presently achieved that level of perfection in love, but we are all growing towards it.

On man's love...
1. Man's love language makes demands on what he/she expects from the other person as far as love and actions are concerned. The demands of man's love include sacrifice, commitment, affection, compliments, faithfulness, respect and support. We give nothing to receive someone's love but we have a responsibility to show them we appreciate that they love us through these various actions. 
2. When something is expected of us by fellow human beings as an act of love and we don't give it as we should, then we have not loved that person the way they deserve to be loved. 
3. There are conditions on how we receive man's love (that's why we cannot fall in love with all people at the same time) and there are also conditions on how we exhibit it. 
4. Unconditional love should not be an ultimatum, but a process. When we make it an ultimatum as far as people are concerned, we should also be ready to give out love unconditionally. 
5. Instead of people saying that they need a relationship where someone would love them unconditionally, they should instead say that they need someone who wouldn't judge them wrongly or according to their mistakes and the choices they make or have made. I think they should concentrate more on unconditional acceptance than they concentrate on unconditional love. 

Bonface Morris.

The Red Shop Part 1

It is way across town. Camouflaged by the embrace of nature, it almost seems non-existent yet so evidently present to its frequent visitors.

There are grassy paths, beaten paths and pavements... And there is ambiance: an unmistakable ambiance of tropicalness. The trees ameliorate it. It makes you feel welcome, this "shop".

It is bambooed too: you can sense, smell and see bamboo almost everywhere. There are bamboo chairs, bamboo tables, bamboo rest chairs, rocking bamboo shades, curtains dangling with bamboo ornamentation, bamboo side posts, bamboo themed vases, a makuti roof... And the hollowness of split bamboo stems faces you with a deep cream and jungle-green color from the fences where they've been nailed and painted.

You have to know this place exists to know it is here. It is somehow hidden, somehow treed; outskirted, so to say. The soft music is always on, and people are always moving in and about.

But it's quiet. It is paradoxical that people are always moving in and out yet it's this quiet. It is almost as if activities are clockwork and everyone is minding their own business. Yes, there is that - many people - but this place is like a heartbeat: throbbing so loud, yet so silent.

This heartbeat of "the shop" is what attracts the likes of Adrian. Adrian loves it. This is where he fell in love. No, not with someone, but with nature. And not only with the nature of the surroundings but with the nature of people. Sometimes he just comes here to buzz his mind in enjoying the people and the serenity away from the madness the world has become.

He still remembers the day he fell in love with this place like he remembers what he just had for lunch. This place makes him feel and hear his own soul. Have you ever experienced that? Adrian does. But he won't be telling us about that today, no, he'll tell us why he loves this place. He'll tell us about the people he meets here albeit unexpectedly.

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He has never understood why they call it The RED SHOP yet it's neither a shop nor is it red in color. It's funny. Really funny. Earlier on, when he was new in town, he crushed here but he never really wanted to be inquisitive about it: the name of the place. He let things be.

But stories are told of how the place got it's name...

Two years ago, one Old Man who is a frequent visitor to "the shop" for its famous exquisiteness once told him:

"When I first came here", the old man narrated,
"It was the fuzziness that attracted me. The place felt a bit hieroglyphic: I could know how to define it through what my eyes saw but I couldn't decipher its holistic nature. And after I've been around for a while, I am sure of two things young man; we all love this place because it helps us define ourselves (we "shop" here) and we LOVE here; love is red, isn't it? People experience love in this place in its many forms. Maybe that is why it is called THE RED SHOP after all.

The Old Man insists that Adrian should just call him George. Adrian has never heard of an old man insisting that it's enough and okay if younger people simply referred to him and called him by his first name, so George intrigues him. Adrian's father would die or kill you with the mere whiff of his look if you, being as young as his granddaughters and sons tried calling him by his first name. And you would hear of that story of disrespect and immoral behavior for a whole year nonstop.

George, being a familiar face here, is quite familiar with how life works. Sometimes he talks, and when he talks, he goes full blast... But other times he simply steps in, sandals on his feet and a cap on his head, stands by the door, leans over, clutches tightly at his walking stick, gives the potted plant by the door some keen agricultural look, touches it a little, raises his head after seconds of subtleness, gazes at the waiters and boom! everything gets aligned to his table.

And it ain't much. His order isn't normally that much or complicated: just a certain special cup of coffee made to his liking. To George, THE RED SHOP is a coffee shop.

It is famed that the Old Man loves his coffee that way because he says it himself, "This place gives me that unforgettable and hiatial rückkehrunruhe." So someone once asked him, "What's that?" The Old Man gazed at the questioner the way he gazes at the potted plant by the door and said, "What do you people learn in schools nowadays?" then he shook his head and went on sipping his coffee.

It is rumored that the taste of that coffee makes him experience his wife's cooking again, albeit briefly. They had been married for 50 years. Fifty good years, meeen. And now, here he is, ten years after her departure, and the only thing he can do about it is to endlessly sip coffee in some hidden "shop".

Rumors also pry that George's wife was such an excellent cook. People describe her with the fondness and excellence of an angel. Adrian is not so sure about these rumors because people tend to formulate all kinds of stories about all kinds of things all the time. People are story-mongers: as long as a narrative may suite a person, it will stick. Those are people.

Also, as a matter of fact, Adrian has always wondered what this Old Man, er, George, was in life before he became a permanent "shop visitor/member". He seems older that his dad. Maybe by 10 years. That makes him Kibaki's age-mate. Funny. He has imagined Kibaki telling a young man somewhere in Othaya, "Kijana, wee niite tu Stanley" and that has never fit in place. Wait-a-minute, would that work? Naaah.

"The fuzziness attracted me at first because I was looking for a distraction...", the Old Man continued after strategically putting his walking stick in its rightful place.

"A distraction from what?"

"From myself, from my kids, from friends, from routine, from my work and from life; but not from Liz."

"Who's Liz, again?"

"My wife" *Sips coffee*

That day, Adrian hesitated. Could he ask George all the questions he has been wanting to ask him about his wife? Would it come out to be intrusive and disrespectful? Would it change their relationship? Because, so far, things between them were alright. So he tried...

"By the way, how is she right now?"

The Old Man gave him the potted-plant-look implying, "Like, really?"

"She isn't here"
"She left us and went to be with the Lord 8 years ago. She was the most gracious lady I've ever known and the most beautiful thing that ever happened to my wrecked life.

"Young man, let me tell you something: only one person, or maybe two people, or maybe no-one if you're aligned with bad luck, could make you feel that way about them and life. This is what I mean: butterflies don't fly in all stomachs all the time...

"Liz was impeccable. That girl was fine. I can still see the day I met her so clearly. And I damned myself - sorry for the bad language young man, but you just have to feel the way I did, which I'm sure not so many of you feel today because everything in this generation has become so intensely artificial. This is what I told myself the very day my eyes landed on her: 'I want that girl, I want her for myself'. Yes, I was that smitten, and the whole lot of who I was got a transformation I may never experience again."

On that day George was telling stories from his youth, it rained. It rained so hard that they couldn't hear each other regardless of the not-so-noisy sound of rain on the makuti roof. They remained there the whole Saturday afternoon, George sipping his coffee and Adrian gazing emptily at everyone in the room... And George promised to continue his stories another time they meet again.

That is how it always rolls at the shop.

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I'll soon e back with more stories from The Red Shop. Stay tuned.


Bonface Morris.

Personal Growth: Open-mindedness

Open-mindedness

"I just don't like them, so I'll have nothing to do with them!" is one statement we hear often.

It is mostly put across by a person who wants everyone else around them to live and figure out life the way they do and the disgust is usually due to a difference in opinion, taste or preference... But what such a person rarely sits down to consider is this: do they think that they too are LIKEABLE by everyone else? Really? 

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I love the world we live in today. Reason being that everyone has the freedom to choose what to like or not to like. That is a good thing, no? The problem only comes in when we want other people to like the same things we like in the same way we do. That brings about war because it is impossible and also unpleasant. 

The dictionary definition of open-mindedness is "an inclination to tolerate or overlook opposing or shocking opinions or behavior" (WordWeb Dictionary.) And I'll take the old definition of tolerance which is the willingness to recognize and respect the beliefs and practices of others as my guide-stick of the type of tolerance I'll be talking about. Please note that the kind of tolerance I'll be favoring in this post is not the postmodern one that "accepts, favors or supports ALL the beliefs and practices from other people without question" but one that "recognizes and respects those beliefs and practices." Notice the difference.

Okay, let's move on...

Each one of us has met (or has been) the person with reactions like the one in the first paragraph above: someone who only sees what is wrong in everything and everyone else. They think the world revolves around them and unless something is done their way or an opinion favors their own, everything else is bad and unworthy. They always think they are God. Well, if they were God, I would have no trouble accepting their world view, but they are not. (Anyway, even God is very much open-minded - we see it in the person of Jesus Christ as He walked this world.) Such people make very poor company. They are the kind of friends you won't what to introduce to your other friends who look at life from a very different angle. They are mostly what I call "mtu-wa-rafiki-mmoja" (the one-friend person) because it may be that only this friend tolerates their nonsense. They tolerate nothing/no-one out of their normalcy and only see things at face value. They aren't flexible and are therefore very domineering.

Now, here are the few things such people do (can we just call them, for the sake of this post, closed-minded people?);
1. First impressions are EVERYTHING to them.
Once someone flops the first time they meet them, they will ALWAYS be losers. End of the story.

2. They don't offer second chances.
They stink of perfectionism: there should be no error, no jokes, no nonsense... and people are always judged according to who they were 10 years ago. Either that, or not; end of the story.

3. They can't have fun for the sake of having fun (PS: I'm talking about good, responsible fun by the way). 
Their idea of having fun has to go all the way to: who will I be with? what kind of fun is it? where is the fun at? and why should I have fun at all? If whatever is proposed is outside what they want, they're out. End of the story. 

4. They make judgments and draw conclusions at face value.
They rarely research or inquire in order to understand people more nor do they take time to see the world from a different perspective. They lack respect for anyone who is not in their class (socio-economically, spiritually, fundamentally or age-wise.)

5. They are indifferent and rigid to change.
Change terrifies them because they love their comfort zones. New ideas terrify them because they tend to live in the past - in their "perfect" pasts.

6. They refuse correction and a second opposing opinion on almost everything.
They always want to have the upper hand in all decisions and discussions and would even leave a discussion just because people aren't in sync with how they feel/think about the subject of discussion.

7. They are narrow-minded, are obsessed with "reading people" and are continuous victims of negative automatic thoughts. Read more on automatic thoughts here. 
Explaining what they are in detail may actually require me to write another blog, but in short, they are spontaneous thoughts and opinions on things and people around you.

Well, people with the characteristics listed above (and the ones above are just a tip of the iceberg) tend to make life unbearable for others and themselves. This is revealed in the following ways;

1. How they talk to and interact with people
Open-minded people will tend to have a greater variety of friends from all kinds of classes and upbringings, less enemies and more freedom to opinion and view on life; on the other hand, closed-minded people lack the above attributes and tend to be legalistic, domineering and judgmental.

2. How people see them, interact with them and talk to them
The way we understand what people are saying like in the use of the "f" and "s" words and any other cuss words has really changed in this millennial/postmodern period. Most words no longer mean whatever they originally used to mean. Closed-minded people tend to be quite intolerant and judgmental when they hear someone respectable use a cuss word. 

Now, considering that we have seen a few things closed-minded people do and how they feel about the world around them, why not list a few characteristics of open-minded people? 
Here they are;

1. They try not generalize and see people as "a whole" but as individuals with unique choices, values and perspectives i.e. a person from a specific tribe will be handled as an individual and separate from their tribal affiliation and stereotypes.

2. They try to give people a second chance and treat them beyond reasonable doubt as individuals who can change. 
They give them the benefit of the doubt. They refuse to see and judge people according to their pasts. Open-minded people tend to say this: "I know who you were and who you are right now. I'll listen to you, I'll hear you out."

3. They refuse to think that they are gods or that they are immune to the things affecting these other people. 
They don't normalize sin, but they see themselves through the eyes of the sinner: needing forgiveness and restoration. They see pregnancies before marriage differently, they see Willy Paul, Bahati and Kanyari differently, they see Al-Shabaab and ISIS differently, they see the collaboration between Gospel artists and secular artists in any work of art or science differently... It's a whole list, guys.

4. They are learning how to see people as God sees them, thus no prejudice: that people are broken, needy (in need of a Savior) and subject to change. This's how the Lord saw the Apostle Paul and redeemed him.

5. They try to be less judgmental but more appreciating; and they accept that anyone can be used of God and become anything for His glory. They try not to draw lines or boundaries pertaining people, God's grace and His limitless favor (like the Pharisees did in Jesus' time). They try to ask questions before they pass judgement. Read on how Jesus was open-minded here in two separate stories from Mark 2:13-22 (NIV).

6. They correct the errors in their societies after getting the facts right, and don't seem judgmental while doing so.They correct with love and kindness. They do so without compromising on their beliefs and values. They don't condone bad behavior, but they seek to understand why it exists and how best it can be changed. Click and read this article that can be helpful in showing us on how to balance between speaking the truth and loving other people and this one on how to disagree without becoming enemies with someone.

You now notice and understand that it is a good and healthy thing to be open-minded because it helps us in three ways; in our relationship with our own selves, in our relationships with others and in our relationship with God.

I'll therefore show us a few ways on how to cultivate a nature of open-mindedness. Here they are;

1. Pray that you'll start seeing people as individuals with different personalities and as separate entities.
People are different, so capitalize on that.

2. Strive to always see the best in people, not the worst in them.

3. Give more good compliments on the good you see, advice on the areas that you notice need improvement and offer less criticism on the bad you see.

4. Pray that you'll start seeing people for who they are and who they can possibly become instead of who they were and what they are perceived to be.

5. Don't allow the enemy to feast at your table.

This is what it means: don't allow bad unverified thoughts concerning people to crowd your mind. I grabbed this one from a sermon by Louie Giglio, pastor of Passion City Church, which he preached recently at Elevation Church's Code Orange Revival. You can directly download and listen to the whole audio sermon here or get the whole database of sermons from Elevation Church here.


6. Practice the good habit of weighing every gossip, speculation and rumor with facts. Do it first with the Word of God (the Bereans did that as reported in the book of Acts 17:11  - and that is why they were called a people of noble character) and then with available facts (do some basic research on people, someone or something before making conclusions.) Things are not always what they seem.

Here is the conclusion of the matter:
You don't have to like everyone or everything, but you really have to get along with everyone and everything. That is life, so make the choice.

And...
Quote: Do not be so open-minded that your brains fall out. - G K Chesterton. 

Read this article on prayers some too open-minded and unwise guy offered to Allah recently at church's general assembly plenary session in USA to see exactly what Chesterton meant in that quote.

See you later.

Bonface Morris.