Marriage Prep: Those Are People, This Is Advice and That Is Marriage

Those are people, this is advice, and that is marriage.

Note: HERE IS A FRIEND'S STORY WHILE OFFERING ME SOME PREMARITAL COUNSEL ON WEDDINGS. THE STORY IS NOT MY OWN:

People will come to you and whisper in secret: "Get  married! Why are you not getting married!!??"
Then you'll pretend (a little) that you haven't thought about it for a minute and allow them to pour out their sentiments - one after another - on why they think you are now ripe for marriage.
You'll calm yourself down, solemnize an atmosphere of sit-down-and-shut-up, take every hint they give, and pretend to smile throughout the info-session.
And after realizing that they think you are totally dumb (like most people think young saved people are), you'll tell them that you have a girl that interests you, a girl you are in love with, a girl you would love to marry one day: a God-fearing and Bible-thumping girl.
Then, probably, they'll smile back and give you a pat on the back. And right then, you'll be deceived that they're really interested in you getting married and starting a family, and that, maybe, they'll offer you all the support you'll need in such a forest of a season.

Then days will pass by. Even months. Or even years.

After a while, you'll call them to help you plan for your wedding, or to tell them that you don't have enough money to finance it, or that money just never seems to agree with your pocket of late.
Then they'll seem to sympathise with you, and they'll assemble together and give advice.
They'll request that you call them to a meeting. The whole lot of them.
You'll cater for the costs of the first meeting, and the second and the third... in a 2-star hotel because it is you that needs help and they just might offer it to you.

They'll come in floods to the meeting: with bags and cars and phones and tablets; with funny shoes and dress-codes and coats and designer shirts and shiny suits.
But mostly not to give you money, but to see your girl.
Remember it has been ages since you talked to them about her. They really wanna see her.
They wanna see if she has aged: if her chest has gone flat or not, if her hair is still shiny and fluffy or not, if her face is still as it was or life has trodden on it, if she is older than you are or younger... If she smiles like a wife or like a baby, if she breathes Jesus in and out etc etc...
They'll also come to inquire on her mannerisms.
And they'll smile as they sip that tea and later on as they eat that meal.
All bills are on you.

Then they'll discuss with you on what budget befits you.
They'll tell you: "A guy like you needs to have such and such a wedding etc etc. Your wedding should be glamorous, you are a-man-of-the-people" and so forth and so on.
And because you are new to weddings, marriage and such stuff, you'll agree, albeit nonchalantly.
But after the whole discussion, while you're seated there with your girl waiting to pay the bill at the 2-star hotel, reality will hit you hard: you seem to be in and over your head. Infact, you are so much into this thing that the budget they've just proposed will cause you sleepless nights.
Really. It is not what you had expected or planned for.

But you'll hold on to faith (yes, you are such a good Christian) and wait for miracles.
Although your faith is in the clouds, you'll still fear to pray to your God because He may end up asking you questions you have no answers for: "Did you consult Me before making that budget? Are you being realistic?" etc etc.
Then, after waiting for their contributions, the shocker will come rolling in: they'll give you excuses and send two hundred shillings to your M-PESA without flaring.
And then they'll text in their excuses: "We'll send you more very soon."
Then you'll wait until 2 months to the wedding. Then they won't. They won't sent in their 5,000 shillings pledges. Don't be fooled that they might.

Then you may be tempted to borrow to please them. (Remember the budget was theirs and the wedding is more of theirs than yours.)
They wanted pomp, you wanted something simple.
They wanted "a wedding that will be the talk of town for a couple of seasons", yet all you wanted is to marry your sweetheart and have a go at this thing called marriage.
But they wouldn't hear your tiny stories of "people who lack faith in greater things"
Therefore, you shut up.

Your darling stares at you, and you are staring back.
You are holding prayers and fasting like nobody's business.
This thing has got to work.
But after a while, things are still the same.

So, 6 weeks to the wedding, you call your parents:
"Wee mzee, habari yako? Na ya mom? Kusema kweli, nimekwama kiasi na hii mipango ya harusi."
And your old folks, being the good people they are, won't go Osama on you. They'll understand, and chip in. And you'll be glad they did.
Even so, all your pride of being a big boy will be gone because you are now solely depending on people, on fundings and on tiny gifts of money.

And the wedding day will come. And the wedding bells will ring. And that day will be awesome.
But inside, while staring at each other before your pastor, you and your girl will be thinking of something else: paying bills, repaying debts and re-aligning your priorities.
You'll be smiling outwardly yes, but you'll be deep in thought inwardly.
You'll still go for that honeymoon nonetheless. (It is for them, remember? It was their budget. Yes, they intruded and demanded that you spend your honeymoon at a place that requires two aeroplane journeys to be there; and you had thought: "Aaaah, not bad at all. Not bad".)

Then after the honeymoon, you'll think that they've stopped planning your life.
Because all of a sudden, when you're calming and are planning the next step as a couple, you'll hear them ask when you two are going to have kids and why you don't have them already.
They may even start blaming your wife (as if you are the angel in that marriage and are therefore faultless) for misleading you into not having kids early.
They may even gossip about her, pull out a few details from her past or family and use them as blackmail, and call her (such a beautiful daughter of God) names and things.
Then you'll look at each other as a couple and either decide to close your ears to their rantings (something should have done a long time ago) or keep allowing them to rule over what you should or should not do.
Because, truth be told, they don't really care.
Oh, maybe they do; but not enough to help you head in the right direction as a couple.
So, my dear friend, those are people, this is advice and that is marriage. Take care. Be careful.


A friend.

Relationships and Short Stories: Thirty Dates, One Truth

Note: This is my second blog from a series of posts this year celebrating February as “the month of love”. You can read the first blog here: Relationships – Is Grass Always Greener On the Other Side?

Thirty Dates... One Truth

*******

Brian looks grimly at his phone, swiping at its screen from right to left with impatience.

This is the second time she has stood him up, or rather, come late.

“Why on bloody earth is she late?” he cusses within himself.

He then decides to call her… The call goes through but she doesn’t pick up.

He is now burning with anger. It is eating him up. He is infuriated.

He stands up, fidgets with the coins and the USB thumb drive in his left side trouser pocket, holds his phone in his right hand, opens his contacts app and scrolls down the call history to see how long ago she had promised (or lied) that “she was just 10 minutes away”. He recollects that it has been an hour already.

“One bloody hour!” He cusses again.

He then swipes to the left within the dialer app to access his “favorites” or “most called” and just below his “bae” Betty is his dude’s number, Sam.

He calls Sam.

He has now moved on to the other end of the café and is looking down at the streets as he plucks on the potted plants in their vases right at the grills. He is absent-minded at most as his call to Sam goes through. It drizzling outside, and a wind mixed with moisture hits his face bringing with it palpitations of both dread (due to the anger he already is feeling) and calmness (due to a decrease in temperature). The drizzle causes the soil on the outside to smell both rusty and chunky.

“Niaje jamaa? I hope zinakuendea poa leo. Imagine huyu mrembo ameamua kuni-standup tena raundi hii. Si hii ni mchezo!? Ni kama hii date nitafanya na waiters tu kama last time before aingie na petty excuses. Hii ni kuzoeana tunazoeana.”

(Hi dude! I hope you’re doing just fine. Imagine my girlfriend happens to have stood me up again. This is ridiculous! It’s like I am going to have a date with the waiter just like last time, after all, before she comes in with her petty excuses. I think it has now turned into a game of taking each other for granted.)

Sam, being the dude he is, a solid member of TMF, and that he is either into all kinds of chiqs or no chiq at all, throws his buddy a bummer:

“Hey, man. Nilikwambia hizi story za kukazana na kutreat mrembo as if anakupatiaga kidneys unatumia mchana halafu unamrudishia jioni zitakuletea noma. Si you lenga her for a month or two tuone atafanya nini.”

(Hey, man. I told you not long ago that when you treat a lady as if she hires her kidneys at a fee will deal you a blow. I propose that you break up with her for a month or two without notice and see how it rolls…)

“Okay acha nione. Wacha aingie hivi na mimi nitoke, nimwambie kama ni hii kubebana tutaendelea kubebana, wacha tubebane after one month or two.”

(Okay, let’s wait and see. Once she’s here, I’ll pick myself up and leave. I’ll let her know that I can extend these mind-games of hers to a month or two.)

So he waits.

It starts raining. It pours, actually. There is even a thunderclap. He waves at the waiter and calls for coffee. It’s 6pm. He feels the chill but smiles at the prospect that the coffee will help. He had come out of work early for this date. He has even skipped his evening classes. See? He is that kind of dude that sacrifices both his time and commitments in order to spend time with his girlfriend of two years. This thing is serious to him, and he is intentional about it.

After he’s sipped his tea halfway through while clutching the cup with both hands in order to feel and tap from its warmth, Betty comes rushing in, umbrella in hand and literally dripping of rain water. He looks at her with the “did-Steve-Harvey-just-announce-that-Uber-left-Kenya-just-a-few-seconds-ago?” look mixed with the “haiya!-this-Wi-Fi-just-got-to-10mbps!” look.

She is dripping, or at least her shoes are. And he doesn’t care… Oh, well, he does. But not like he used to.

“Hi babe!” he quips while making a paltry gesture with his head.

“Hi!”

“Sorry for the rain”

*Silence*

“But you should have been here an hour and half ago! You promised, remember? You wouldn’t be dripping like a donkey if it were so. At all. What happened?”

She gives him the “come-on-duuude!!” kind of look.

“Nothing happened. I just ran into friends, one thing led into another, and then here I am. Ain’t you gonna order coffee for me, or even pull me a chair? Or even, in the slightest manner, offer to take my umbrella?”

“Oh, sorry. I am just not sure what you take nowadays. I could order coffee, but you would end up telling me that you are not doing coffee this week or month; or I could order tea, and you would say someone just advised you against it yesterday. So, I can’t. But you can tell me what you need and I’ll call in the waiter for you.”

She gives him that look again, stomps her dripping feet, folds the umbrella, hands it over to the waiter and requests for black coffee.

“So, do you think we can talk? It’ s almost 7.”

“Yeah, I thought that is why we are meeting. No?”

“Yeah”

Her coffee is served.

“I just wanted to complain about how you are treating me these days. I feel like I am playing second fiddle in your life all the time. Everything else but me, is a priority.”

“I’m listening”

“I hope you won’t see that I am trying to judge or condemn you.”

“Mmmhuh”

“This is the second date you almost stood me up and I never hear an apology from you at all. It seems like our good sides just vanished, huh?” he rants.

“Babe, how many dates have we had so far? Thirty-something? Probably forty? Have we had the best of times? Yes, I think we have. And have we had the worst of times? Yes, I do think so too. Have I been perfect? Yes, quite minimally. And have I been imperfect? Yes, numerous times. Have you been perfect? Yes, you have. And imperfect? Yes, multiple times. We have tested both ends of what a relationship can have and bear. According to me, the one truth that we cannot all escape from is this: we are evolving as individuals and we just need to keep up with it. We all are evolving. Our relationship is changing us. We keep changing. We are neither who we were yesterday nor who we were when we first met. There are things I expect of you today that I never did before. Why? Because we are growing, changing, evolving every single day.

Our expectations keep changing. Our bodies keep changing.

Our questions keep changing. Our visions keep being reviewed all the time.

Even the way we show affection keeps changing. That’s why you didn’t pull my chair when I came in… And in the course of changing, baby, we will always have friction. Only unchanging people lack what to fight over. I didn’t have a job before, but now my job demands both my commitment and attention. So am I to stop everything else and take care of only one part of my life? No. That will be an imbalance…”

Just before she finishes saying all she was saying, Brian jumps in…

“I understand your point, and I totally understand what you are saying. And it seems that that is the same thing I am talking about: that although we are evolving - which I understand - why are we now switching priorities? Doesn’t our time together matter anymore than our jobs or friends or time alone? The fact that we are meeting to talk about stuff even after having numerous dates and arguments is proof that we truly are good friends. And friends care to keep the fire within the friendship burning. Ours is fading. Yes, we are changing, but the spark is dying. I care that we should rekindle it again. I am not working hard to keep this fire burning as I used to, and I feel the same about you… What do you think?”

The rain outside has subsided. There is a breeze of chilling air sweeping across the room in which they and several others are seated. Their coffees are done. They are now blankly staring at each other. Betty offers to give him her spare pullover which she pulls out from her hand bag and gives to him.

“You know what babe? The one thing I love about us is that we can solve our differences without involving other people.

(After saying this, Brian now feels guilty that his friend Sam knows almost everything about this relationship as he does, and Betty too knows pretty well that her friend Ann has grown weary of her tantrums concerning Brian. So she is careful about what she says next…)

“Even as truth unveils itself before us, the question to ask ourselves is: are we really ready to accommodate each other as far much as we are very different people from those that had their first date just over two years ago? Are we? Okay, am I ready to understand that you don’t see it a big deal today to not pull my chair anymore even though I would really thrill in the moment when you do so? Are you ready to accommodate the fact that my job now takes too much of my time and I can no longer be as available as I used to be? Are we ready to evolve together or are we going to end up evolving apart?”

Brian now realizes that his one-month or two-month break threat was a petty strategy. It could not work here in this very situation if he was to remain to be the man of integrity that he truly is. He calls in a truce right within his mind.

“I think acclimatizing to who we are right now or who we are becoming is a journey and a reality we cannot avoid. We truly have changed. I have become more inquisitive, more demanding, pettier… Can we work on evolving together? One step at a time?”

Betty gives him the “come-on-duude!” look again. Which means she agrees with him.

He later escorts her to her place. His heart isn’t racing like when he brought her here for the first time, but the assurance that they still love each other and that they both care where the relationship is headed makes him have a bounce in his feet again. Their next date, the thirty-something date, ’d better be exciting…

*******

The story above is derived from a true story.

Within the story is one lesson: that after two people have been together for a while, they tend to grow fond of each other and therefore take each others’ needs (or love language) for granted. But if the two realize that their relationship is eroding due to this tendency of growing apart and decide to light up the spark again, the relationship (or marriage) may find itself on its feet again. They only need to agree to grow and evolve together.

And here is post number three in this series: A Boyfriend, a Girlfriend, Christ and Everything Else

Bonface Morris.