Musings From My Birthday

Musings from my birthday

I don't know about you, but birthdays never really mattered to me in my early 20s. 

I used to think that people who fuss over birthdays are just being petty. Actually, I still feel that way but with a bit of salt because I have come to know people with all kinds of personalities; and I now understand why birthdays are a big deal to some and not that much of a big deal to others.

I'm older now, and I'm realizing that the older I grow, the more introspective I become. (Even so, the pettier I become.) And being introspective means having a self consciousness that never attempts to overlook my own pettiness. I have grown older, therefore I have grown pettier. And I have become more introverted than people really think I am. I only yap when I should. Isn't that what introverts do? (Haha)

I analyze statements, emotions, patterns, words, gestures, eye language, body language, silence, many words, few words, smirks... I don't overthink. No, I don't. I simply analyze. I analyze all kinds of stupid things in people. But mostly, I analyze if I really matter to them. I analyze because I want to understand people. I don't want to go around beating the air as far as people are concerned.

I analyze if I have impacted people's lives in these many years I have been in this world. I analyze my relationships. I analyze how the most important people in my life react to life changes and how they treat me in the different phases of life. I analyze how I make them feel. I analyze where their relationships with other people and with God seem to be going. 

Here is why I get deeper into the burden of understanding people and their life patterns: because, I somehow always have this Maya Angelou quote running at the back of my mind when I interact with people: "I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". 

Lemme say it again: people will never forget how you make them feel. 

I don't have to be perfect around people, I just have to make them feel something - something that will bring a change in their lives. That is my life goal.

I want it to be told that when I lived down here on earth, I at least managed to make people feel the following things:

1. Hatred

Yes. I want you to be able to hate something and hate it really well. Not to hate people, but to hate something. Hatred is the one emotion that changes everything. I want someone to be able to say, "Morris stirred up my heart to hate sex before marriage, to hate the devil, to hate sin, to hate being violent and inconsiderate, to hate being a naggard, to hate, hate and hate..."

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me hate the things that God hates."

2. Love

I want someone to arise and say, "Morris makes me feel loved and he shows me how to love people. He arouses within me the ability and passion to love. He makes me love God, love people, love the right things and love myself."

I want someone to face me and tell me: YOU TOUCH MY HEART. (Actually, someone I truly love woke up this morning and told me amongst many other beautiful words: YOU TOUCH THE HEARTS OF MANY.) 

I don't know how I touch people, but if I do touch, I hope I do touch their hearts to enable them to respond to God and to love and to be able to give it back to others.

Also, if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me love the things that God loves."

3. Included

I want people to have a feeling of inclusivity when they are around me. I want them to feel, "Morris won't leave me out of this, he's got my back. If he is there, we are all covered."

I want people to feel a sense of confidence when they think about me: to be sure of themselves. I want them to know deep down in their hearts that they are special. I don't want them to think, "Aahhh, what a selfish, egocentric, narcissistic prude!" but "Aaaah, what a selfless, generous and self-sacrificing friend."

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me to be considerate of others with the selflessness of Christ."

4. Happiness

Have I ever made you laugh? Laugh until the clouds turned into stars? Until the dark become a light before your eyes? I don't know about you, but I do make myself laugh. I am weird: so weird that I even laugh at myself.

I want it to be told that I cheer up a room. I want people to be proud that I'm coming, to expect to be happy. I want someone to say, to the glory of God, "Morris, please come. We need your laughter there. We need your laughter."

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me laugh. The joy of the Lord resides within you."

5. Think

I want to help people think. Think deeper, think wider and think with open minds. I want them to think about life down here and life through eternal eyes. 

I want them to think until they feel they are making the right choices. I want the feeling that comes out of their thoughts and choices to be a feeing of satisfaction and surety. I want it to be said of me, "Morris makes me think really hard about my life choices and where I am headed. He makes me reconsider my choices in life."

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me feel proud of the choices I made in my life in such and such an area and at such and such a time."

6. God

Forget about everything else I have just said, friends. Forget it all and just hold on to this one. This last one. Yes, this is more important than the rest. 

After all has been said and done, I want people to say of me, "He makes me feel God. He makes me draw closer to Jesus and sense His Holy Spirit. He makes me realize who I am in God." 

I want people to see, feel, touch, know, glorify, delight in, find satisfaction in, bless, magnify and acknowledge God through me. I am part of the body of Christ, so I want to help reveal Him to people. I want to be that kind of vessel that God uses to reach the masses for Himself. I don't want to be at the center of it all, I just want to be a conduit - a pathway that God uses to reach His people. That's my duty on earth, so help me God.

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a people to come to me, face me and tell me: "Morris, you make us see God, experience Him and know Him. May He bless you on our behalf." 

*******

People, don't tell these things to my grave, it won't hear you. Tell them to me right now, when I can hear it. And I know - oh yes, I know - that the same Spirit that kept Christ humble will keep me humble for the glory of God. Let us all be proud that God had a reason to bring me to your lives.

That's my legacy.

*******

PS: And whatever this blog post makes you feel, don't keep it to yourself. At least tell it to God. (Haha). 

Bonface Morris.

Dear Mama... I Love You

I just added one more year to those I already have the other day,
And I couldn’t help imagining how much it has cost you caring for me to this day,
I couldn’t imagine the best gift to give to you except a moment of gratitude,
And passages that express my heart – passages that show just how much I appreciate...

I know I have grown older now
I know I am no longer that boy of yours
That small boy who used to weep as you wipe his tears
Yeah, that boy who used to do the stupid things you always forgave...
I have grown to know the world a little bit more
And I have grown to know that what I’m writing is what I feel
I have grown to know how to express my fears, my feelings and my desires
But no longer to you but to God and some other very close friend...
I have grown a little bit more mum, but I’m still that small boy you used to see years ago...
And I will tell of the story of your love for me...

You remember my filthy behaviours, don’t you?
You remember when Dad (I salute you old chap) used to chase me around, don’t you?
You remember when he spanked me for stealing and I would throw words at him, right?
You remember when I used to be the innocent thief, huh?
You remember when one day I run Dad through terrain and he fell down, and I rejoiced that he didn’t catch me, and I went off and slept elsewhere and left you worrying?
You remember when you went out looking for me but couldn’t find me, yet I was only 10?
You remember that my naughtiness got you worried all the time when I disappeared and told all my cousins not to tell you where I was?
I know you remember so many things
I know you remember when after school you told me to go to church and I locked myself in my room pretending not to want to talk to anyone,
I know you remember that I didn’t really love church that much in those days...
I know you remember when the landlord came and we had no money to pay him and he spoke to you words that got to me and I felt like I wanna...
I know you remember when I felt like I wanted to kill that dude who impregnated my beautiful sister, right?

But you tolerated me, you held me
When Dad said I won’t eat because of my thievery, you stole food for me
I could see how sorry you were right there in your eyes when I bathed cold water in the rains as Dad (not hard feelings old chap) watched me shiver
I saw how worried you were when I was told I won’t spend the night in the house because of my erroneous behaviours
I heard you pray for me early in the morning and late into the night...
I miss those moments when I could hear you mention each of my siblings’ names (plus that of papa) in prayer to God
I remember I was terrified that God would hear you and change me (because I somehow enjoyed who I was then)
I miss those moments when you would return from your long journeys and cook us our sweetest meals (you always seemed to understand what each one of us liked)
I miss those moments when I used to bring you the ugali cooking stick in the kitchen when the water was already boiling...
I miss those celebrations when your friends came around in the weekend
I remember the noise, the ululations, the food, the joy, the fervency
I remember the laughter, the earnestness, the speeches, the life...
I miss them...

Mum, you are one of a kind
Yeah mum, you are a woman of a kind
Some of these guys that are reading this letter don’t know you
They have never seen you or heard you talk
But I know you mum; and I know you are a woman of a kind...
And I’m gonna write to say that I love you
I love you because I know when I needed/need you most, you are present
I know you still care for me as much as you did when I was a child
That you wish I could grow small again so that you embrace me with fondness
But I have now grown up and I need to be the man you taught me to become...
God has taught me many more lessons in this life
Life itself has taught me so much – and I’m still learning
But I won’t forget the first lessons you taught me when I was still rebellious
Yeah, I won’t forget the lessons you taught me when I was still like, “Ta tat a ta”
Those were and still are extraordinary lessons
Thank you mum... I love you;

I know that as I am growing older, you too are growing older
But I pray that God will preserve you (and Dad) much more
I pray (just as you pray for each of us every day) that you may prosper
And that my kids will see their granny for many more days...
Mum, I love you...

Sincerely,
Your son Morris.