Of Weddings, Fashion and Christmas Gatherings

Hi guys!
The festive season is here, and with it will come all kinds of fabrications, swaggafications and complications. Save your breathe for another day, because you may or may not like what is going to be happening around you in those paintings of fabrications, swaggafications and complications; but it will happen anyway...  with or without your approval.

As always, we are going to witness the meanest and most weird kind of behaviour amongst the various people(s) we will meet. The main agenda will be about feasts, weddings, travelling and partying; boasting, mimicking, ranting and paranoia; it may end up boring or thrilling you – and for that I don’t really care – all to the sovereignty of intermittent bliss. In sortof short, people will be yelling into your well-bred ears about things you may never want to hear, things that you may end up wishing had been shouted louder before somewhere in January when darkness looms over people’s pockets, or in the depths of February when Valentine is whispering good nothings into lovers’ lame ears... and you may or may not end up being the same person you were in November or in early December... A surge of fluctuating interests is going to be torrential within you, and you may (or may not) pretend to be concerned, but well-the-more you are going to be consumed in its fieriness...  

So in that concern, I will only play around with the fun in a few of those so-called weddings, ‘fashion shows’, shadows of fun and Christmas gatherings... zingine utajijazia...

To begin with, let me tell you something about my take on weddings because as a refresher to my trifling dislike for them, I attended one last Saturday. Yes, I attended a wedding.

Side note: I don’t dislike weddings as in ‘dislike’, but I just get bored that I should attend them or be involved in them... Weddings are good... they are of God...what is of God is GOOD...
Weddings may bore me (Wololo! Um just a man, sawa?) but weddings are most interesting. Weddings have things only shared with funerals – crowds, pomp and over-extended emotions. From weddings you are likely to gather up things you may never gather in funerals though; like over-fetched and almost hysterical happiness.
Weddings have always made me promise myself that I will wed one day. I choose to promise myself like that because I have no liking for gatherings where people meet to look and gaze at two people they've been seeing for a long, long time all along as if they had just dropped as a perfect bundle from heaven - and all in the name if celebration!
But I honor weddings. They are an epitome of the rapture. They have their origin in God. That makes them cool: because they are inspired by God.
Ok. Maybe weddings are done differently where you come from, but they can be quite disgusting to the fashionista or the pious ‘style’ fanatic who may accidentally stumble upon one from this side of the earth. So, if you are fashion sensitive and have a liking for order and civilization, I beg you, yes, I beg you not to attend my wedding or any wedding from these sides of the world.
But to solve that, lemme show you on how to do this wedding thing my ‘civilized’ way.

Here's my take:

About gifts, you may just send me the gift you had for me via my innovative channel, where I will only accept cash [solid cheddar] rather than those funny and rugged maua gifts people waste good money on. I’ll be introducing M-WEDDING: a great way to send gifts (especially money) to a wedding couple... haha. This service will not be in collabo with any network but just a simple way to get your precious money (which will then become my precious gift from you) into my ever-receiving pockets... Also don’t bring me plates, cups and so on... I’ll already be having enough... hehe but please, I beg you, ask either for my bank account number or my M-PESA number direct from me for easier and less hustling transactions, sawa? Please don't attend the wedding with those funny gifts, I beg you... Amen? Please say "Amen!" Thank you.
About fashion, allow me to do my thing. If you ever will be attending, please allow me to make my so-called steam of youngsters to wear the fashion of my liking: no funny ties, no weird colors, no oversized coats or dresses, not mismatched clothing, no oversize shoes, no rugged fabrics (as if we all may be going out to slaughter hens after the wedding). Allow my wedding to be cute and swaggarific, I beg you, sawa?

About food, bear with me that we won’t be cooking all that funny food you are used to in weddings... hehe... Why should we cook you such food anyway, huh? If you aspire to eat such food, come with your own packed lunch or go buy yourself lunch...!! *Hiding*... But there will be lots of cakes, sawa? Cakes and conscious food. This is because a wedding is a celebration, and celebrations need ‘conscious’ food, not blubbery...

In addition to these boring weddings, there are also these so-called ‘family get-togethers’ where you meet flabby people of different cultural likings pretending to like each other's company, meeting somewhere in a remote place in the name of family - ultimate shadows of ‘like’ and ‘love’. This is what you may witness when you will travel upcountry like myself;
Most of the time after travelling upcountry, town-bred tomboys with hawky eyes will move around subduing the whole village into swaggarific stupors. The locals will always hate them and spread unruly gossip about them... And after evening creeps in, an analysis of eating behaviour, sleeping style and clothing [read fashion], fluency of language and lack of electricity will emerge... always done in whispers lest the walls announce the deadness of such moments...
Then you will bury your face in pretence when you hear such things like;
While using town-bragga, a town-bred lass will go something like this: "Kwani hawa wasee wanaishi aje kwenda bathroom in the open?" Then the ka-relative of hers sitting quite close will go like, "Tutakaa huku mpaka lini? [and while smirking] Sijui mom alifikiria nini kutuleta huku...!!" “Umeona vile wanakaa kama pumpkins kwa hizo nguo zao?”, she will rant... and the other will look boringly at her and not say a word...
Yet still, on a table next to them will be an elderly lad and a younger one conversing: "Dude, ati tuna-share kikombe! Hawa watu walizaliwa wapi?" And the other holding a smartphone with a dying battery will go like, "Nimeenda hiki ki-tao/centre chao na hata charger ya phone yangu hawana! Kisha ati wanataka ku-charge my phone [also smirking] [my phone!] na car battery...!!" hehe...
Before them, in that dimly lit room, will pass one of their so-called relatives in funny shorts, and they will look at him with owl-like eyes, Googling the whole of his stature with their eyes, and in the end feeling "Yaaaaaaak!"
Their "village comrades" also out of swaggaphobia will be hiding under a shack somewhere whimpering and whispering terribly hot gossip... [While speaking vernacular]
"Wanadhani wanaown hapa kwetu? Eish! Wakwende huko!"
"Wanadhani tutawaabudu? Eish! Wakwende huko!"
Another one will go like, "Nitawamwagia maji kwa bed. Nitawashow sisi ndo wenye hii place!"
Yet another one will go like, "Na kile kingine [referring to one of the innumerable tomboys] kinaonyesha nani tumbo? [Because she will be wearing more spaghetti tops and bare-backs]. Tumbo imejaa minyoo utadhania kina mimba! Kesho morning nitajifanya ni accident nitakapokimwagia maji kwa nywele...!"
And the ranting will go on and on for 7 good days... you can only imagine how those so-called get-togethers are a relief to many after ending...
Imagine I've not talked about the different cuisine and "maendeleo-ya-hapa-na-pale" talk amongst the elderly in those get-togethers; and the way "things should be done" code appearing and re-appearing here and there whenever the shaggs people will be correcting the town-bred ones . Oooops! It really gets hefty. Quite hefty my friend.
In short, I beg you, yes, I beg you, not to attend those gatherings. They will spare you a lot of stress, pride or low self-esteem... hehe...

Have a grateful festive season people... and go enjoy yourself somewhere...!!

Morris.