Etiquette 101

There are things and behavior people expect of others that they think should be natural. However, with the diversity in cultures and upbringing, this may not always be so and things may not turn out as expected.
With realizing that most things that are taken for granted are the very things that mean the whole world to someone else or some other people, I have given myself to writing a series of "here and there" blog posts that address (from time to time) a few do's and don't's of/in normal human life, and mostly, with the young person in mind... The first post in this series was "21 Signs that You are Growing Up". In this second part of that series, we are going to look at behavior and the good things that are generally expected of us by others but which are rarely talked about. I have divided them into various parts which makes them easy to read through (so I think);

General Life

1. If you promise(d) to call, text, email or "inbox" someone, please do it; and if you may lack "credit" a.k.a. air time on your phone, or became busy, or forgot about it altogether, call back to apologize or beep them or use a friend's phone to call or text them. It is as simple as that; and by the way, it is a great sign of maturity.
2. Learn to return missed calls from unknown numbers. It may be a friend or family member who either lost their phone or their battery got drained; or it may be that link guy (or chiq) you met at a certain meeting and you gave them your business card but forgot to take theirs... All in all, learn the discipline of calling back. It matters.
3. Pay debts. Don't expect people to chase you around begging you to give them back their money. He/she may be your buddy or relative, but when it comes to money, dude/dudette, you betcha pay that dough back!
4. Avoid nose pecking in public. I hope you've heard me, right? ;) Side note: I am a culprit...
5. Don't go to a friend's place, misuse their stuff (read: possessions - from food, to clothing, to personal things) then leave the place dirtier and more deprived of life than you found it. If someone leaves you in charge of their place, ensure that you leave it better than you found it. Period.
6. If you are visiting anyone (be it a friend or family), be sure to inform them beforehand when you'll be traveling, at what time they should expect you, if you'll need to be "picked up" or not and the length of time you expect to be at their place. Days have moved on and things have changed. Forget about "the good old carefree days".
7. Learn to plan your traveling early enough. Write a list of what you'll need so that you won't be found calling out people's names in the dark of the night or later on become an inconvenience to someone somewhere due to forgetting those slippers or soap or woreva...
8. Stop flossing and bragging about your family, business, job, hair, phone (or gadgets), new fashion, shoes, fun-filled-holiday or education. No one needs that. Some don't even care. It makes you look silly.  
9. Not everyone needs your noisy rantings or your so-called "quiet profile". Learn to know how to SWITCH that mouth of yours to fit in people's moods and lives! (^_^)
10. Stop stepping on people's shoes and feet. They feel bad when you do that but they won't actually tell you.
11. Do you have a cold or are you coughing? Use a handkerchief. Cover your mouth. Don't spit your saliva whenever or wherever. Have manners, my friend. 
12. Stop calling or contacting people only when you are in need or only when you need something from them. That is very petty of you.
13. Learn to mind your own business. No one likes it when you keep poking your nose into their personal affairs. It is none of your business.

Dating

1. Apologize if you are late or are going to be late for a date.
2. 2. If it was a date for two, let it remain thus. Don't bring in your friend or young brother or sister or woreva. No baggage pleeeeaaaase.
3. Be yourself. Be easy to be around even though it may not be that easy.
4. Ensure that your date is served first before starting to eat. Allow them to make an order for themselves - unless they request you to.
5. Be polite. Be your best. Be the best date someone can ever be with.
6. Give sincere compliments. They help to ease the moment.
7. Talk less, but listen more. Allow the other person to talk first before you intercept.
8. The man should pay the bill, unless the lady complies to do it. Come rain, come sunshine, a real man should pay the bill for the first date.
9. Escort them out after the date. Board a cab, a taxi or any convenient and available means of transport for the lady. Pay for the transport costs. A serious and mature man should do that. First impressions matter a lot.
10. Call after the date. Call to know if they arrived well, and also call to thank them for the wonderful time you had - even if it wasn't that wonderful, pretend that it was. It makes the other person feel at ease, because dates bring a lot of anxiety and tension. Ease them from wondering, "Did I really do everything right...?" 

Relationships

1. Be open about what you need in a relationship. Guys, and er, ladies, is that so hard to ask of you?
2. Share. Stop being selfish and egocentric.
3. Buy someone a surprise gift. They are the best gifts in the world!
4. Pull chairs. Open doors. Give space. In short, swallow up that pride and give in small spontaneous sacrifices. They mean a lot.
5. Even if hell is breaking loose, a man should never call his lady "fat". A lady should also never call her man "good for nothing". That is the rule in relationships if they have to work.
6. None of you should ever be disrespectful to the other while in public. Etiquette demands that a "couple's" differences should be solved in private. That is a show of maturity.
7. Stop being dumb. Do some favors for people without necessarily being asked or requested! Be intuitive, or in a layman's language, become discerning and thoughful.

Eating

1. Munch that food kimpango. Listen to yourself while eating and judge if you would tolerate another person if they ever munch food that loud. Got it?
2. Considering the amount of food available and the number of guys that are to share it, serve yourself just enough to let others have a share equal to yours. Stop being greedy and a glutton.
3. Don't talk when having food in your mouth. Swallow, then talk.

That is it!



Bonface Morris.

Mind Doodles

I'm seated.

There's something happening to my mind. It is that sort of a think (not a thought) that I hardly have a liking for. I am blaring on blatantly like my mind is going to explode; like I am getting lost and like I don't make sense; or like everything else lacks sense. What is happening to me is happening far away from my nearness.

I am held in two worlds - two good worlds, and dude! I want to enjoy and still be able to hate both. I pause. I think. Loudly. "What am I really doing?" I ask myself. "Well, I am seated and I am, er, thinking. Yeah, I am seated, thinking", I answer myself. Yeah, that is what I am doing. But I am feeling empty. I don't like it. I don't like feeling tired and empty - all at the same time. I mean, I should be full of life, right? Yeah, I should. It should be the best thing to do. So what? Mmmmhhh... I push that one question at the back of my mind and choose to move on...

It is getting hot. It is like the sun has just made a stop over my head. It is making my tired thinking and my body to metamorphose into, er, never mind... I don't like it anyway... I stretch.   

I am now standing.

I am thinking of random things. Thinks are passing through my mind. (Think is a word I use when cloning things and thoughts within my mind. It is a doodle-ish word...;)) I am thinking of climbing hills, and steeping through valleys, and gliding cliffs, and treading deserts, and skating roads, and glaciers, and dusty paths, and misty lands... in life. I am far away. I can see it. I am making colors out of my worlds. I now wish that I was a master painter. Then I would paint this moment with passion. I would assemble and awaken all the dead embers of my passion; then I would hold my brush, and my paint, and look at the pointed edge of the brush and flicker the paint at the edge of the paint card so that to get just the right amount... and I would create portraits and portraits that are replicas of this moment... I can only imagine my disarray. No, I can't. I don't even know what I am doing. Or maybe I do. Maybe.

I am now squatting.

I am like an observatory - standing tall but squatting... I am clinchy. I am racy. I am quiet. I am asking questions. I am inquisitive. I am pretending to be normal. But I am busy. Busy is not normal. So, I am trying to relax while still squatted. I am thinking. I am having mind doodles. I want to run. And hide. And run again. And avoid people. I want to be alone - alone and squatted. I feel slightly insane.

The wind is whizzing through my ears. Its sound is obnoxious. The moment is freezing. And disturbing. I am perspiring. First it was the heat from the sun, and now the wind. It is drying up sweat on my face... I am mixed up. As I take out my handkerchief to wipe away the dead sweat, I am asking myself, "For how long have I REALLY been here?" Well, never mind.

I long to hide from my doodles. I stare at what I am holding. I am holding nothing. My palm and hand are empty. I stare at my empty palm. It looks and feels dry. I put my right hand (the one I just stared at) into my pocket. My phone is missing. Pause. "Where did I leave it?" "Aaaarrrrgh!" I calm down. I stare again, just as I did when I was seated and later while I was standing.

I am now standing.

Then I am walking.

I am thinking.

I am thinking again.

"These thinks do happen", I think. 

21 Signs that You are Growing Up

It is possible that once in a while, every young person has questioned themselves, if at all they are now mature a.k.a. "being of age"; or maybe, why people still think that they are "kids".

Maturity is an issue of concern to the young person; moreso when your actions do not seem to match your age and also because society always expects us to have "grown up" after reaching a certain age. However, age never determines maturity. Only a person's deeds and personality does.

Well, if you have been wondering as to what [really] accounts for "general life maturity" as a young person, I have formulated an informal list of how to gauge and find out for yourself... and maybe do something about it...

I hope it helps.

These are some of the things that you may be seen doing or advocating for:-

 

1. You now know that it is not crazy or stupid to FULLY depend on God. You have learnt to make Him the utmost priority in your life.

2. You take responsibility for every action and word you speak. You are becoming more careful not to lie.You keep your promises: you keep your word no matter what the consequences are or may be.

3. You don't wait to be instructed on what to do. You are able to practice self discipline, self control and self drive with much ease.

4. You say "sorry" when you wrong people, and you show change in your actions to make that "sorry" count.

5. You are able to make critical decisions without necessarily seeking for advice, and though you may seek advice, it may just be to clarify if what you have DECIDED is right or not.

6. You don't FULLY depend on your parents, friends or fiance/fiancée to make your life right or meaningful. You TRY to do and live life on your own.

7. You are mostly thinking of the future. Your plans are more future-prone than they are for 'now'.

8. You don't hold petty grudges or become angry at [small/little] things that used to irritate you in the past. You have better anger management.

9. You are not selfish anymore - or you are trying to. You can care for and sacrifice for others. You take other people's welfare in concern before doing something or making decisions.

10. You can embrace teamwork and submit to given leadership; but you also are assertive to ask questions where your intuition dictates fault.

11. You have values that drive your life and that don't [majorly] lean on your friends' or your society's take on life.

12. You don't fear correction or criticism anymore. You instead use it positively to better yourself.

13. You think and THINK AGAIN before speaking or acting. You listen more, and even if you [may] talk a lot, you ensure that it is sensible.

14. You live one day at a time. You are not hastened in what you do. In fact, people complain that you are [nowadays] too slow in making decisions or taking the much "needed" action.

15. You no longer do things in order to please people but to accomplish what you believe in.

16. You have goals and a well-defined vision that you are aiming at.

17. You are always doing your best to avoid procrastination. You do all you should today, and leave all you must for tomorrow.

18. You hate competition when it is as a result of jealousy or envy. You only admire healthy competition.

19. You've become more careful with who is and who is not your friend. You are very choosy when it comes to friends.

20. You have learnt how to manage and plan for your money. You are saving money or are planning to start saving in the near future. You have plans concerning how you'll earn and spend money in the future.

21. You don't get bored just because you are alone, or "you don't have what to do...". Your life has meaning, and you are determined not to be derailed from it.

...there is no need to say more...

God bless. ;)


Bonface Morris.

A Man Needs Space

A man is just a man. It doesn't matter why, where, when or how. It doesn't have to. He is just a man. Yeah, whether saved or secular, there are things that a NORMAL man will do. First, because he is a man, and second, because he's not a boy anymore. A man will always do that. It is normal. It is known. He will always enter into some sort of "silent mode". For a while. Or for forever. He may or may not have a "good" reason for it, but he'll do it anyway. He is a man. That's the reason why. He is a man.

A man will be indifferent sometimes. It is normal. It is also known. A man will always "throw" silence into the relationships in his life. Always. It doesn't matter which one. It doesn't have to. Not everything has a reason. A good reason. Not everything has a good reason. No? Okay, here's a lame test: Why do you sleep, huh? You think it's because you want to sleep, huh? Do you sleep whenever you want to sleep? Okay, woreva. Here's another one: why do you wake up everyday? Do you think it's because you want to wake up? EVERY morning? Come on, you know very well that you sometimes do things not because you want  to do them, but because you have to do them. So in the same regard, whether in marriage or in a premarital relationship - that never makes the difference - a man will once in a while run into himself and disappear. Just like that. He'll disappear into himself. And he will not want you to search for him. He will demand that you don't search for him. He will be silent. As silent as silence itself. You'll be wasting your energies and time to search for him and argue that he SHOULD talk. He won't. Okay, he may. But he would not want to. Yes, it is normal. He will always need some space. There'll be some abnormal silence which when asked, he will call "space". Throw stones at him or do whatever you wish, he'll still demand space.

Obviously, you will wonder why he is doing that. You may curse. Curse him. Or maybe throw tantrums. You may throw them as yo momma taught you how. And call him things. Names. Or blow yourself around breathing heavily down his throat with your round nostrils. You may give him a nasty look implying things like "screw you!" in screaming mode. You may do THINGS to irritate him. He'll be unapologetic. Okay. He may be unapologetic. Still be sure he will neither be wavered by your round nostrils nor your tigeress bulwark. He'll still need space. His space.

Be sure that when it comes to needing space, a man kills his emotions and becomes an object of self aggrandizement. He will have it anyway. He'll have it his way. All he needs at such a time is space. Space. The issue is: why?

Yoh ladies, as far as I know, it is never pre-planned. Okay, sometimes it is, but it is mostly impulsive. I think. I think a man needs space in his relationships out of the blues. Or we should maybe say that it is not out of the blues but out of the blacks. Blacks? Yeah, blanks. No, blancks. There seems to be blancks. Blancks. Blacnks. Blancks and blancks as huge as an elephant. Woreva mun...

Men are unfair, huh? They don't care, right? Maybe. Maybe not. The faster they are given space, the better...

There is a lady friend of mine who fails to understand this. This "space" thing. Gal (and to many other ladies out there, and err, to guys who don't even know themselves ;)) I will help you understand above 90% of "why" a man needs space. Read on.

So what is "space" anyway?

I don't know. I don't have to, do I? However, there's one thing I know: every man has his own definition of "space". Some just need the kawaida space you know. They just need s-p-a-c-e. Get it? To some, it's some distance between the two of you - some kind of separation where everyone minds their own business and does their thang their own way... Some call a time of reflection and self-examination space. Some actually use the word "space" when they're breaking up with you. They are that kind that is so cowardly that they won't say what they really want. Some use the word "space" to escape relationship responsibilities. They are the cunning type. Playas. Some don't even have an idea of what that is all about. They exist in douchery.

But hey me lady, the best way to know what that man really means by demanding "space" is to ask him. No one knows it better than he does... It is hard, but you have to. Get a way to work it around...

To cut the long story short (shame on me for using that as an excuse), here are some reasons as to "why" he may be needing that space; 

1. You nag a lot, so he needs a break. He needs a break from your nagging. He needs some "breathing space." Fact: ALL men HATE nagging women. Get that right ladies!!

2. You are obsessed with him, so he wants you to learn to be independent. He actually cares that you should learn to run your life alone without him being involved. He wants you to grow up. Which is good. No?

3. He has issues he is dealing with and you may not help in solving them. He feels that instead of you helping him to solve those issues, you may escalate their effect on YOUR relationship; so he needs a break to sort them out by himself. He's being mean, yeah, but look gal, he cares. A lot.

4. You are not supporting him. You are not playing your role in the relationship. He now feels that by giving you space, you will grow up into playing your role in the relationship. And he may be right. Or he may not be. Whichever way, he thinks you need to play your role in the relationship. He wants it to move into the next level, therefore he thinks that "space" is the BEST OPTION.

5. He just needs "me time". He needs a time of reflection and close scrutiny of self. He thinks that being alone will help him build build up himself. Let him be. He may come back a better man. Or a more weird one. It all depends.

6. He has a side flick. Yeah, he may be having another gal. You are becoming irrelevant to him. There are reasons. Reasons you can't understand. Reasons you have never wanted to understand. Reasons he thinks you can't understand. He has chosen to quit. Silently. To leave you for another one. It is sad, but it is the truth. He needs "space" so that he may run into another one's arms... Sad ending.

7. He feels that you can't handle his world. He has become too complicated to/for you, and you, too complicated to/for him. So he has chosen to freeze the complications by staying away from you. He may come back. Maybe he won't. Love and a deep friendship between the two of you will determine that. It all depends.

"Space" is a relationship complication. It may be the main reason why most ladies' Facebook relationship statuses read "it's complicated". "Space" is a natural occurrence to a man, don't judge him for it. "Space" is both good and bad, but you need to tap into the good side of it... "Space" may somehow eat into Machiavelli's rule: "the end justifies the means...", and support it, which ends up being a lovehatric moment for both parties in the relationship.

But one can solve, ease or deal with the issue of "space" by doing a few things;

1. Understand why he really needs space. Are you the cause, or is it caused by an external thing. Discern. Understand first. Don't make assumptions. Ask questions. 

2. Work towards eliminating the cause. Show him that you care. Boost his confidence in you by meeting his needs (sex excluded if you are still single) and creating "a link point" with him. Men need a point of connection with you. Once you break it, "spaces" start configuring themselves into your relationship. Fill up those "spaces" before they grow wider...

3. Don't argue him out at that moment when he is demanding space. Take time to address the issue amicably and in convenient time. Use wisdom. A wise woman knows how to get around her man's heart. That's how powerful women are - remember Esther in the Bible? Yeah.

4. Give him space. Yeah, sometimes it is just good enough to give it to him. It is normal. Why? Because he is a MAN.

I hope that helps. ;)

Good day/night guys!

Bonface Morris.

Of Conferences and Behavioral Puddings

I have been there for four days already, no, five; and as expected, I was excited from the moment I realized that I was going to be there for a while. Excitement (I am told) is the catalyst of liking "new experiences". So I was excited mainly because, well, it is normal to be excited; and subwayly because it is abnormal not to. Feigning disgust where the soul should be mesmerized has never helped No?

I went there (maybe) for more than just one reason - so I think. And obviously (to me), I now think that I should stop thinking and instead confess that there should be more than one reason as to why people go to such places: the main known reason and the main unknown reason. The latter is never entirely known (as we love pretending to brand it) but is discovered in the course of existence. The former seems to be the determining factor but it can't survive without the latter. One who exists only for the former enjoys new things in a rather conventional way, but we should not glory only in it because then, we will be killing our mortality...

*I think I've gone out of place there. I think it's some sort of script thunk...*

Maybe I went there for a change of environment because, well, things there were different. Maybe I went for a-kind-of general change. Maybe. Sometimes I don't know things, you know. I don't have to. I don't feel that I have to. 

I may have gone there for excitement or to satisfy it (the excitement). Or both. Or to meet new people. New people? Maybe. I "meet" "new people" everyday anyway: in real life, on  Facebook, on Twitter... I have a bunch of them to deal with on a daily basis. What I am poor at is meeting them. Yeah, meeting them. It may be because I screw them up in my mind before saying, "Hi!?" or that I sometimes just need my uninterrupted "me space" so much so that I push them away before I even approach them. 

So as I "meet new people", I have come to realize that (probably) I enjoy hacking into their minds as an opening to having an experience with them. I am a mind mole of some kind who prefers to know someone on my own before knowing them through receiving information from them. I think I'm very good at that - and I just feel that it is part of what I was there for - in that, I later reward myself for a job well done whenever my predictions are proven to be true after engagement. I do that. I don't care if you shoot me for that or something... ;) I do it anyway.

Side note: In the near future, I should concentrate more on reducing my mind-screwing tendencies *Dear Lord, help me*.

So now I know you think you know why I had gone there but you know what? (I know I should not use that in writing, but well, I author the rules here) I went there for so many things: most of which I have no idea about. Excuse me!? Last time I checked on wisdom, it was written that you can't know all things, right? Yeah, you now get me.

I was at a youth conference organized by my church under the Youth Department. It happens annually. It was in Meru this time round. Young people from all over Kenya come to such places to almost do what I come to do, but weirdly so, in a rather peculiar way.

I love conferences. They are an epitome of a mobile, radical and active society. A complete society. I love complete societies. I love the spiralling of diversity into one great vision and course. I hate sameness. Sameness is boring and predictable. I hate predictability; unless it is about the blessings of God or the rapture.

It is here you meet an illusion of disjointed temperaments. I love this because existing in such spheres is like a game to me. Some kind of mind game. This is where I use the array of opportunities relayed to me to put my mind to work by studying people: by endlessly talking about them in my mind. There were different kinds of young people. There were those you'll keep on asking yourself in a rather sarcastic tone, "Heeey! Is that a youth?" and those you'll keep doubting if they make sense - even to themselves.

My mind has somehow perfected the ability to collect data on people's personalities basing on first impressions. First impressions may not be the true story about people and their personalities, but they are a good pointer towards what to expect from such people.

These data are stored somewhere in a "brain database" that is frequently updated to merge with paradigm shifts in behavioral trends. I may not be accurate all the time, but this helps me get to know people even without talking to them. People are therefore put in categories which determine how I will (or may) work myself around them.

Here are some of them as the maxim for this post and leaning mostly on the guys I "met" at the conference (Studies courtesy of Morris et al ;)):

1. The "Hallelujah!" team

Most of them sit at the front in most conference sessions. They are qualified in shouting the loudest at almost everything that is said. They are the preacher's best partner, and the worship leader's best charmers. It is not necessarily because they are keen and adherent to what is being said, but because they are good at "fooling" the preacher and the worship leader that they are the best listeners. They heckle and jeer their best and maintain a "sober" mood throughout the event. Most of the time they are just attention seekers hidden in the skin of mindful young people. They are the main reason as to why I prefer being a backbencher in most conferences. I wish we had medals for them...

2. The fashionistas

OMG! I used to be one of them. #TrueStory. Remember those days when I used to wear ties to and in conferences? What about those days when I was almost carrying suits to conventions? Remember when I used to prefer a formal dressing code to a casual one, and when I used to care too much just because I had forgotten my iron box at home? Remember when I used to change into evening wear from wanting to have a "decent evening look"? Yeah, that proves that I have ever been a victim of fashion and style in conferences - until I became old. It is then that I thought that swag was all about the grooming. Just like them, I cared too much about what I wore, how I wore it, when I wore it and why... I now care less. Yeah, you can hang me already, but I care less.

3. The melodramatic kings and queens

Just like the first group, these are attention seekers too. The added weirdness is that they are cheap and stupid. They desperately seek to stand out as comedians - fake comedians. They sit on or take "your" chair in your absence. If you queue for food or any other goodies, they'll make themselves the indomitable first place holders. Of course they expect you to react to their actions so that drama may unfold. And drama does unfold - if you too are into drama. 

4. The Saints

There are moments you wish you were like them, you know: the waking up early to attend morning devotions, the sitting in the front pew as "good disciples", the discipline with which they carry themselves, the angst in their eyes, gestures and movements... But those moments of endless adoration suddenly fade away once you spot out some few things about them;

a) They are too good. Yeah, that kinda gets into my nerves. Being good is great, but it pushes us away. It makes us run away from you wondering at what you may be hiding underneath...

b) They have no social life. Hold on. That means that you have to breath, eat and drink Scripture with them lest you be tagged the unspiritual one.

c) There's no 'being real' in their world. They are mortals that hail their lives in immortal codes. They refute close engagement with the opposite sex. To them, God has to initiate and do all things. They are absurd. Really absurd.

They appear radical by getting involved in almost every important session that comes along, but, well, I am radical too...;)

I avoid them. I normally think that they belong to another world altogether, a world I'm not worthy to fit in.

5. The "Me" team

I belong here. The problem is: I can't describe myself quite well. But there are few things people like me do in conferences: we mind our own business, we sit at the center or at the back of the hall, we are mostly social and antisocial at the same time, we get involved in the available activities but with limited commitment, we positively (and negatively) judge and criticize almost everything that happens or that we come across, we miss meals (a hand clap please) because we either prefer eating 'out' or we disappear to go out to have fun only to come back and find out that everything that matters has already happened... Foodies may belong here too. We are the weird type. Mostly, we do nothing. Our interests are diverse. We fit in all societies. And that's why we love conferences: new environments, new experiences and new people.

Does that make us carnal? I don't think so. I think it makes us normal. *Huko ni kujitetea.*

So as I write this post (I'm in a bus heading back home by the way) I am wondering if you belong to one of the groups above or if you have your own. It actually doesn't matter. What matters is if you are able to enjoy the conferences, conventions or seminars you attend, because either way, you should always come out changed and with lots of new friends...!

Keep the effort buzzing.

Cheers!!!


Bonface Morris.