Mixed Feelings

By Larry Savalla

You may tend to wonder why the title is 'Mixed Feelings'. To be honest, if you were in my position, you would be too.

Ever since mum said to me that KCSE Results are being announced on Tuesday, I must say it has been #!?*@$. (Somewhere between heaven and hell. I don't know if there's anything like that, but if there is, it should be Earth :-) )

Now, it's just some hours to Tuesday. The Red Letter Day. (Just like we used to write down our titles in the BEST compositions we ever wrote in Primary School).

All the memories of High School are running through your mind. Especially those times that you wasted time doing everything else instead of reading.

You may be in this situation;

All you can think of right now are the exams. You can clearly recall all the papers that were difficult to you during the Exam period. In the inside of you, you are frightened and scared. You are not sure if you'll pass or fail. Passing and Failing all depend on the target you had set for yourself.

This FEAR is really torturing you.  All your pals look okay and not tensed.  When someone reminds you of the Exam Release you put on a brave face and say, "I'm Good!" yet deep inside yourself there is turmoil and you know what you really feel - that which nobody else sees or knows.

Unfortunately, for me, I don't lie. I just say what I feel and I didn't say I am afraid.  

I am not good at encouraging people, but to those who are afraid,  God has a plan for you. Believe you'll pass and you will. Trust in God and let Him have his way in your life.  Whether you'll get an 'E' or an 'A', only God knows where your grades will take you. At least that's what I can say to you.

Thanks to taking your precious time to read this article.

Signed,
Larry Savalla.

Larry just finished High School last year and He both loves Christ and is cool like that :-). Expect more from him as he moves into the next phase of his life. 

The Love Language (#ValentinesExclusive)

Once in a while, you look at two people in love and you love it. You just love it. 

The way they look at each other, the way they talk to each other, the way they coyly smile at each other, the way they "get" each other... You just love it. (I don't know if this is how guys feel about me with my bae, haha.)

Valentines is all about celebrating love. And it is possible that you'll be seeing a lot of that today. If you're single, never mind. Your time will come and you will be a menacing portrait to another person who will be in the position you are in today. 

Inasmuch as we may feel all sorts of things concerning the love birds and love tings we will be seeing today, it is still important to note that love is necessary; and that celebrating love goes hand-in-hand with celebrating the fullness of life.
There is nothing as special as knowing that you're being loved (or are being shown that you are loved) just the way you would wish to be loved. (That's what I am praying for all of us in relationships today: that we will experience love and give it forth wholeheartedly.)

While intently looking at Valentines Day, you may be asking, "Is it bad for a young saved person to fall in love? And what about celebrating this day?"
To the first question I'll say, Yes and no. Yes because if you're of age and are ready to get into marriage, there's nothing wrong with it. Fall in love all you can and get married to a fellow Christian. And "no" because you may be underage, still in school, having other motives rather than marriage, you are lustful e.t.c.
And to the second question I'll wonder, "When did it become bad or evil to celebrate love in a manner that pleases God?" So go out and have fun!!

Celebrating love is like celebrating the fullness of life... 

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Also, there are many types of falling in love. I'll mention a few;
1. One where you love each other but don't even understand each other. In this case, it is the "love" that matters, so to say. If it "disappears", so does the relationship. (But true love does not fail, so it can't just "disappear".)

2. One where you are the only one in love, while the other party is busy wondering what is wrong with you. They are busy telling you that you don't deserve them or that they don't deserve you. Oh my, oh my!!

3. One where you are in love with another person whom you clearly know (they) WILL NEVER be yours.

4. One where they love you more and you care less about why they are this crazy over you. As in The Clash of Types case.

5. One where you don't only love each other but are also in good sync with each other. Where you understand what the other one needs in the relationship and you both work hard towards giving it to them (here I'm not talking about sex or anything explicit or unacceptable in Christian dating circles... but of such things as I'll mention below.)

According to my views in this post, it doesn't really matter what cadre of falling in love your relationship shares. It doesn't. Anything is possible once you understand what I'm addressing today.

Some people would want to call this last part of my examples above (that is number 5) "soul mates". They define soul mates to be two people (of opposite sex) who are really "in sync" with each other and after "discovery" of this, they're now in a relationship.

But the idea of soul mates is rather secular. It tends to revolve around the lame fact that we can only fall in love with one person forever, and that there is that one special person that is meant oooonly for us and that we are meant oooonly for them. This notion insists that if we lose this one person, our relationship lives are done.

This is not true. 

God does not say so. He says to all single people (and even to the married) that relationships are a choice. (This is said in many ways in the Bible.) We freely choose whom we want to walk with in our relational lives. We may make good or bad choices, but they are our choices.
God will reward us according to our choices, meaning, if we choose someone outside His criterion and Will of choice, there are consequences. Also, there are rewards if we choose according to what He instructs us to choose. Therefore, they are our choices that determine our destiny as far as relationships are concerned.

God does not make mistakes, so if we choose according to His Will for our lives, we are likely to find what the world calls soul mates. But in this regard (in God's case), it is never limited to a one person forever. No. God can give us a person to love, then if death occurs and the marriage covenant is broken, we can fall in love again and marry another soul mate...

This means that we can fall in love over and over again and have multiple "soul mates" if we choose to. 

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The mysterious thing about falling in love (which is actually just a way of two conscious people of opposite sex and of age saying "we are deeply interested in each other") is that you can do it over and over again. "But why and how?" you ask, "Why and how is it possible to fall in love a million times, Morris? "

I'll show you how...

Each person you meet, interact with and call your type scores a certain degree of compatibility that is above average which qualifies them as potential partners in your life. (Click the link to read and understand what I mean.) In such a case, in order to create a mutual ground for agreement/unity or love, you two need to deeply understand each other in order to meet each other's needs in the relationship. This can happen to any of the 6 out of 20 or to any of the 100 out of 1,000 people you think are your type.

This is where The Love Language  comes in. It matters a lot in relationships because it helps us communicate to our partners in various ways that will make them feel cared for and loved. Everyone has their love language (a way or manner in which they prefer to be treated in order to feel loved or cared for by the other person.)

If not put into consideration, this causes a great percentage of incompatibility, misunderstandings, heightened reactions of "they are not my type!!", breakups and even divorce. In fact, most breakups and divorces are either due to a misconstrued/misunderstood love language, a partner that has no idea about what "the love language" of the other person is, emotional absence or unfaithfulness.

It therefore follows that in order to have successful relationships in any type of falling in love, we need to learn a few of the things to "speak" to the other person that makes them feel loved, cared for and appreciated. We may need to ask them about it, use discernment, use intuition or learn through their closest friends. 

The Love Language 

Herein I'll address a few love languages known to me. What I list below is not conclusive but will act as a guide in deciphering your partner's and your own love language:

1. Most people's love language involves hearing their girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband thank and compliment them out of the blue. It goes like this, "Baby, you remember when you did this (or that) for me/us/my friend? Thanks a lot. It really mattered to me..." 95% of men are really made to thrive through such appreciation and kind words. Do this occasionally and next time he'll bring the planet Venus to you.

2. Women differ in their love language when money is involved. Some feel more loved when you use your money on them, some prefer occasional gifts, some want the cash itself while others don't even care. Just lemme promise you that there is no woman in this world who doesn't feel loved when her man spends his money on her. What differs is how, why and when you use it.

3. Most people's love language involves you sacrificing to spend some quality time with them. When you sacrifice to meet their needs in the relationship, it tells them how much you care. Ladies call it interest and attention. Men call it support and commitment. You hear that? The same thing, but given differently.

4. All men feel loved and needed when you respect their opinions and support their leadership. All women feel respected when you involve them in decision making and in your day-to-day endeavors.

5. Some people feel loved (and mostly women/ladies) when you remember special days like their birthdays, anniversaries, special events/days like today e.t.c. 

6. Small acts of tenderness and compassion speak volumes to most people's hearts. Such people fall in love with a person's generous heart and kindness.

7. Some people have a unique and weird love language (like myself). I feel loved when you correct me the moment I'm wrong and when you respond to what I need to know about things. I feel cared for in this way because I normally think that the person who loves me would want to see me grow, and that can't happen without following up on what I do and trimming out the bad parts. I feel uneasy around someone who always thinks that I am right. Correction makes me feel that you're deeply interested in who I am and what I want to be.

8. Other weird people have a language that requires that you occasionally become cruel to them. Cruel but not violent. I know some who say that this trims them to know if they're still on the right path or if they've lost the way. Such people, they say, grew up being molested; so the only way they'll feel cared for is when someone is slightly cruel to them. This is weird, but it's their love language. (And I don't even think Scripture supports it anyway.)

Other love languages include:

9. Shared goals - such people feel loved when they share most goals with their partners.

10. Doing dishes, laundry or cooking for your partner once in a while (for the married guys.)

11. Open compliments about your partner to your friends in their presence or on social media.

12. Shopping together or having an impromptu date together or having a workout together or having a walk in the park together or sharing a hobby or watching a movie together or listening to music and dancing together e.t.c.

13. Reading Scripture and praying together - having a Bible Study together.

14. Checking on them from time to time in the course of the day even when you're busy. This includes saying hi in the morning and before going to bed.

15. Hugging when you meet. (There are some people who really feel distant and taken for granted when you don't hug them at all or when you hug them differently from the way you normally do.)

And so forth and so on...

Notably, one person can have upto ten factors or special things within their love language.
It is also true that the very things we call petty in our relationships might be the very things that matter most. Why? Because when we do such "petty" things, we score highly on the love graph that are the hearts of our partners. 

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So the question is (which is my question too): even as you celebrate this Valentines, are you paying attention to what your partner wants or are you giving them WHAT YOU THINK they like/want? Is it possible that you are giving them the exact opposite of what they would have wished for?

Do you know what they want or what they don't? Is it possible that you're taking them out yet they would have preferred you cooking them lunch today? Is it possible that they don't really care for flowers like every other lady does? Is it possible that he would have preferred you buying him a whole month internet subscription to you buying him an extra shirt? Do we normally listen when they're saying the things that are closer to her heart?
Think about it. 

And, er, do you know your own love language?

(Have a blessed Valentines Day as share this with a friend. :-) It might be their only way out of the rut they are in. )

I love you all.

For #ValentinesExclusive, Valentines Day, 2015.

Bonface Morris. 

Are Relationships Complicated? (#ValentinesExclusive)

You've probably read on most people's Facebook bio under relationship status (I guess it is only Facebook that is really interested in our relationship statuses) that "IT'S COMPLICATED".

I for once wanted to do the same: say that relationships are complicated... Oh, in fact, I wrote a blog post on it to support that notion sometimes back. Read it here.

The funny thing is that, no, relationships are actually not that complicated. I've realized that we are the ones that complicate them.

I'll pass you through why I think so. And I probably will manage to convince you on why you should change your Facebook relationship status to I-think-I've-been-stupid-in-relationships-and-it's-all-my-fault...

I think most of the challenges and complications we meet in our relationships are bred, fed and nurtured by us.

Take for instance a lady that decides to be the incessant/all-time "bread winner" in a relationship from the word go. She thinks it is okay to "take care of the love of her life" in such a way and therefore tolerates buying her sweetheart stuff, helping pay his rent, paying his bills, bailing him out when people are on his neck hunting him down for their money e.t.c.. The thing is that she is not looking beyond...

So, by the time the future comes (even the near future), what do you expect her to post on social media after she realizes that she has been being used? She'll tell us how "complicated men in the millennia are", while sincerely, it was her own fault to ignite the car without looking keenly at the fuel gauge.

Another example is when a guy decides to overlook the bad manners of his lazy and money-loving girlfriend.
This is how it goes: he knows that she's doing nothing to positively serve herself and the people around her but he ignores it all. She has told him before (several times actually) stuff like this: "Honey," she says, "...you know what? I can't wake up before 9am. And if they tell me to do any house chores at home, I always pretend that I'm not feeling well. Also, I never stop watching a TV Show until it's into its season finale. I can watch a great TV Series for a whole day without blinking. Honey, I think we'll just be buying food when we get married, right? Because I abhor cooking. My brother irons my clothing... My mom does the laundry... My dad ensures I look good..." And she goes on and on.

What is the guy not hearing? He is overlooking his girlfriend's laziness and hedonism. And when the going will go tough (and it sure will), he'll start blaming all the women in the world for the very things they've never done.

Do you now get me? Our complicated relationships are our own fault. True story.

So, what are those things we do that complicate our relationships with or without knowing it (at least by 90%)?
Here's a list of some those things:

1) We overlook the small mistakes and wrongs we hear from and see in our girlfriends or boyfriends
We allow love to blur our vision of the true nature of the other person. We love with all our hearts minus all our minds.
He is violent. She is rude. He is carnal. She is selfish. His mom is his goddess. Her dad is her god. He is stingy and mean. She is a busy body and full of gossip. He is aptly jealous. She is dishonest and a liar. He is unfaithful and loves money above you. She is evil.
We see all these things in the first month of the relationship, but do we normally do anything about it? No. That's how complications chip in.

2) We overlook the defined rules we have been given for our relationships
God says (literally), "My son/daughter, don't date a pagan or a non-believer. Date a mature Christian who's growing and seeks to grow more in me...", but we go on and say, "Lord, I don't think You understand... You don't gerr-it. This one will eventually change. Huyu ni tofauti..." And when the world crumbles (because it sure will), we cry out loud, "It's all sooo complicated..."

3) We overlook our and their intentions of getting into the relationship
Some of our ladies know that "he's just in this relationship for the sex and/or the money..." (By the way, why do you, as saved people, engage in sex? It is sinful!) As a saved lady, such an issue should be addressed immediately before it grows into something else. But our awesome all-knowing millennial ladies choose to overlook this. The moment will come when he is obsessed with his desires and you'll go into depression saying: men are complicated. Which men? Your man wanted sex, and he's draining your pocket. That's what he was doing. He was not interested in you!!

The same thing applies to we millennial guys. She interviewed you in the beginning, on the first date, remember? You felt like it was a job interview or something. But you took it lightly. She later cunningly moved to your place - without your permission (and you are saved!! Really?). She uses your card without your permission. She never asks you questions about YOU. She rarely offers to support you in anything, but she never delays to ask for favors for herself. Like, how many favors has she asked for since the year began that are all about her? Twenty? Oh my friend, you're dating a narcissistic and self-centred lady. It will drop bruh, it will drop.
What are you waiting to see so that you may prove that she's manipulative and that you are her puppet, and you now need to run away? Complicated, right?

4) We overlook their dismal relationship with God
When was the last time you fought with your girlfriend/boyfriend about their relationship with God and their commitment to their church and the things of God? Or about how often they pray, read their Bible or attend church? You've never done it? Hah, and you expect less complications in that relationship? Here is the blunt line: if the Lord is neither a priority to both of you nor the foundation of the relationship, it will surely sink!! And it will end up veeeery complicated.

5) We overlook other people's warnings concerning our relationships
You know, it seems we've grown so knowledgeable that we think we can teach our parents. That's what we think. We've been warned by our parents or guardians or (insert the name of an elderly person who warns us here) several times about that girl/boy, haven't we? What did we do about it? We ranted. We took offense. Tulicatch feelings. We said stuff like this, "Ooh come on, give me a break!! This is my life. I live my life, you don't and will never live it for me...!!"

6) We overlook what Scripture tells us concerning a good friend, wife or husband
The Bible is full of guidelines and instructions on who is a good friend, a good wife and who is the good husband. We don't need a 50 Shades of Grey or Steve Harvey or Oprah or Mills And Boon best-seller to explain anything to us. We don't even need me. It is right there in our Bibles!! And o how blessed we millennials are!! Bibles are all over the place. There's a Bible on your phone, in your room, on your desktop, on that tablet, on the internet... There are Bibles everywhere... But do we inquire to know what the Lord says concerning what a good friend/wife/husband looks like? Naaaah. What do we normally do? We normally use our own understanding (which Scripture warns about in Proverbs) to criss-cross and judge the right/best person for us. This normally leaves us with complicated relationships.

The Bible gives Christ as the best example of what a good boyfriend/husband should look like, and the Church as an example of what a good girlfriend/wife should look like. (I'll address this in detail in another post this month.)

7) We ignore and overlook the relationship boundaries that have been stipulated for us
So they made their move on you and you already had a girlfriend/boyfriend? Why didn't you tell them there and then? Why did you wait until your girlfriend/boyfriend met her/him carelessly flirting with you? You see, if your real girlfriend/boyfriend heats up because of you carelessly switching your relationship boundaries, it's your fault. You overlooked the boundaries.

Also, why are you giving them too much room yet they ain't your husband/wife? Come on! Don't dare give them the privileges that only belong to a husband/wife. Don't complicate things...!!

The above are good reasons to help us see that we complicate our own relationships and that we need to do something about it before it is too late.

For #ValentinesExclusive Valentines Day 2015.

Bonface Morris.

Stuff I Learned and Discovered Last Year (2014 Edition)

Last year, I shared with us a few things I had learned from 2013. I may not be all that cool in studying stuff yeah, but I am really good at noting things down. (Yes, I know I am, haha.)

You can read that post here.

So after last year's post, I thought, "Why can't we be doing this annually?" Then the reply came back: not bad, not bad at all.

Herein, I am unleashing a few lessons from 2014, aligned in no order at all...

1. I discovered that the best thing a person can do to themselves is to either be fully involved in something or not to be involved in anything at all. The truth is this: playing middle ground is both unhealthy and dissatisfying. It elevates indecision, and indecisive minds build no real castles.

2. If and when something (or stuff) is wrong, stop and fix it. Playing passive won't help a thing. I have discovered that people who complain about things without making effort to make them right are worse than those who don't care about whatever is happening.

3. Failure creates masterpieces out of men if they use it well. I believe that those who have failed before are better teachers than those who only believe in success.

4. Stuff comes and stuff goes; nothing lasts forever. Nothing except things that concern the Heaven of God.

5. We ride on different levels of integrity, intelligence, origin, ability and self-drive. This means that it is useless and demeaning to your awesome self to compare yourself to others. It is better if you compared your new self to who you were yesterday or a few minutes ago; there, you'll be growing.

6. Our social media platforms (Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and WhatsApp) are full of people and families wanting to make you feel that your life is so boring, less advanced, eventless and you ain't all that blessed as they are. But it is not always that way. There are so many of us that pretend almost about everything. It is an art we have perfected.

7. You can't fully satisfy everyone. (The key word here is FULLY.) Playing God to people in/and their lives/needs will only leave you drained, burnt out and extremely exhausted for nothing. That's why there is God, then there is man. Stick to being a human being and you'll be safe.

8. One of the worst habits to pick is that of doing something (whether good or bad) because everyone else is doing it. This is called "being a junk cabinet". You always end up junky.

9. God is not my servant, nor is He yours. We shouldn't therefore try to dictate how He works in or through us on any given day.

10. Serve the LORD. If He blesses you, well and good; if He doesn't, serve Him. He'll bless you anyway. Oh, and He knows why you serve Him anyway. You can't fool Him.

11. My spiritual life is not dependent on my leader or pastor. Blaming either or both of them for what goes wrong with it is like Judas Iscariot blaming Christ for falling out.

12. If I boast of what I do or what I am able to do, I boast foolishly.

13. People (including myself) will want you to do stuff for them like accomplish a project, meet a target, go somewhere on their/our behalf but they will never appreciate the sacrifices you made along the way to meet their demands. In short, most of us are really ungrateful, so put that in mind before offering us a helping hand.

14. Work with what you have. Stay contented. What you don't have is not yours, so don't plan your life using it. (This I learned when my employer transitioned from one small organization to a bigger one. People expected promotions and a salary increment. Both have not appeared.)

15. I've discovered that every moment a parent treats an 18 year old the same way they treat a 10 year old, they lose them by 2%. That means, it will only take 50 times of lack of confidence in a teenager to lose them completely. It also means that if a parent does it consecutively for a whole year, the child they'll be seeing in the next year will be totally different from the one they knew in the past year.

16. You are more awestruck (either positively or negatively) when you see yourself as you really are than when you look at others with an eye intending them to be the way you expect them to be. Try it one time.

17. Don’t peg your life on people. Because; they come and go, they change everyday, and because even the government subsides in meekness and uselessness. Pegging yourself on how people see you and think you are will bring you down. Brands/people are not liked passé, but brands are made to be loved with time.

18. Don’t think that you know it all. Sometimes silence is the best option. In 2014, I begun learning how to just say nothing at all. (I seem to be that guy who’s always talking about stuff so this has been bit of a challenge to me.)

19. Also, I realized that our relationships are affected by how much we speak – people abhor proud people who always think they know it all... So it is good to be aware that the so-called fools know some stuff about silence that the wise don’t.

20. God is here, God is there and… God is everywhere; but what counts in our relationship with Him is our consciousness of His omnipresence. He rarely moves unless we do. He loves me even at the very moments I think I don’t deserve it. He cares, and would love us to appreciate Him for who He is and what He does and also have a deep understanding of Him through a constant relationship with Him. He desires, above all, that we learn and grow in Him. He cares about our relationship with others around us too.

21. Hurry is the devil. Hurry changes nothing for the better. Actually, hurry fuels anxiety/fear, complaints and impatience which are the three things that are very much against the character that the LORD seeks to build in us. There is therefore no need to hurry in life. At all.

22. Entirely, nobody cares. This is the safest point of knowledge you can ever have, so use it for your own good.

23. Mostly, people want to be part of something great – something big – but they mostly have no idea of how to bring it about. Also, mostly, people only get involved in something that will eventually directly benefit them. Of these two kinds of people, I learned that leadership is about knowing how to meet the needs of both without necessarily satisfying them.

24. When you do nothing, you achieve nothing. Even God does something, why do we think that we shouldn’t? Riches and prosperity are outcomes of hard work. It is impossible to nurture success without hard work and commitment.

25. There is no limit to creativity and becoming better. Each one of us has the potential of becoming better. You can become better if you choose to and work hard on it. But remember that although copying the status quo may make you adopt easily, it will soon throw you out of business.

26. Creativity requires that you stretch your limits a little. It is tough, but is it always the father of invention.

27. When you use you as your own mirror and while using the Word of God as a reflection, then you can grow healthily amongst many of your type.

28. We die slowly in so many places without knowing. Gradual spiritual death to a Christian is maybe one of the most underrated things.

29. Every believer needs to learn and become equipped in Christian apologetics. Neither for "awesomeness" nor for their leader(s) sake, but for this very reason: it is a good thing and a mark of sanity to know and become sure of what someone believes in and to be able to defend that very course.

That's all for now.

Until next time,



Bonface Morris.