Talking Point: The Ideal Man Crisis

So I was thinking this morning, “What can I post this Monday?”

Weird enough, I sat down and while browsing through my movie folders, I stumbled upon some movie which I previewed to see if it’ll interest me. It is some kind-of black people soap opera. Some overdone romantic tale. It’s called Black Coffee.

It got me thinking about a blog I had started writing in October last year - this blog. I looked it up in my notes, and I was like, “Yeees! After this movie, I think I just got a good angle of approaching and finishing up on that post.”

So here is that post. And, yes, go watch that emotional movie with your girl. I know you are asking, “So Morris is watching soaps now?” And I’m reiterating, “Yes, for my bae’s sake.” (Alright, you can still find some not so good quality version here on YouTube and I guess, that’ll keep you occupied.)

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Photo of a black man. Source: Pinterest

The question I am tempted to bypass but I just can’t do for the sake of this post is this:

“Ladies, what is your ideal man? What is that kind of man you dream of having or “making”? Do you have a picture of him in your mind? Do you see him when you pray to the Lord for a man? What. is. you. ideal. man?”

The Oxford Advanced Learners Dictionary (8^th Edition) defines “ideal” as “something perfect or something most suitable”; which then translates to us saying (for the sake of this post) that there is a most suitable man for every lady in this world.

This post seeks to openly talk about how ladies figure out who is and who is not the ideal man for them and the influence of society on this choice. It derives from the primary truth that every single lady on this earth has a picture of who can be or cannot be her ideal man. It is funny that every lady has a man in mind that is very different from every other lady and this is allowed. Personal preferences are alright, but as we’ll come to see it, there are fundamentals to this type of idealism.

To begin with, here are some pointers on how I think a lady should construct the ideal man idea in her mind. She should first ask herself the following important questions:

1. What do I really admire about or in a man?

What is that thing about such a man that keeps me glued to wanting to know more about him or to want him for myself? What is that mystery in him that brings out the best in him?

2. What does God want me to really admire about (and/or in) His ideal man for me?
3. What do the people I respect really admire in an ideal man?

Note: If you don’t admire something about a man, your interest and support for him is likely to disappear really fast.

After figuring out the answers to the above questions, a lady should then figure out for themselves what the answers to the following set of questions are;

1. What do I admire in a man that brings out the best in him?

Is it his strength? Passion? Commitment? Leadership potential? Protectiveness? Power? Wealth? A free spirit? Self-drive? Confidence? Is it him being responsible and committed? Reliable? His artistry? His intelligence? His vision and ambitions?

2. What do I admire in a man that brings out the God in him?

Is it his Godliness? His prayer life? His knowledge of Scripture? His devotion and dedication to God? His surrender to God? His service to God? His service to other people?

3. What do I admire in a man that brings out the best in me?

Is it care? Tenderness? Support? Security? Godliness? Manliness? Affection? A forgiving spirit? Generosity? Patience? Do you admire the fact that he makes you want to care about him? His wisdom and guidance? His emotional presence? His love?

4. What do I admire in a man that brings out the best in others?

Is it friendliness? Responsiveness? His caring spirit? A forgiving spirit? Gentleness/kindness? His leadership skills? Is he inspirational? Does he always see the best in others? Is he social? Easy to be with?

An ideal man is assessed by how he relates with himself, how he relates with God, how he relates with you as the lady, and how he relates with others. You see, I haven’t talked about whether he is black or white or tall or short or employed or unemployed or famous or not or handicapped or whatever… because such attributes only influence one party in the full equation of his influence: these tiny attributes only influence you. They don’t influence other people or God or himself. Not much.

The questions above answer things about a man’s spiritual life, his character, his social life and his ability to love and care for others. This is what constitutes a man. And these attributes are infused in boys before they grow into men. A man is a product of his boyhood. (Yes, my dad indirectly taught me that.)

Quote: A man is a product of his boyhood.

After looking at the above pointers, it may be true that there truly is an ideal man crisis, but it is not final that there is an ideal man crisis. It may be that the lack thereof of ideal men is just a generational trend created by selfish ladies who want too much from men, and especially things that these men cannot offer; or it may be that the men in this generation are really lacking in things to be admired for. It is a funny equation that can only be balanced correctly in a man’s boyhood.

I have had lady friends who stick in relationships because their “ideal man” meets their most basic need: affection. The man is stupid, his is violent, he is a spendthrift, he is ungodly but the lady says as long as he is affectionate, she ain’t going nowhere. That makes me wonder: why would a lady tolerate a disrespectful, uncaring, violent, ungodly and unfaithful man? Is this her ideal man, is he the only man in the world, or has she altogether given up on the idea of ideal men?

Or it may also be true that men have changed and this has caused this level of unbearable tolerance in women. We are no longer what our fathers used to be. It is like our fathers were born ideal; but for most of us in this generation, we need to be made ideal. Who is failing? Whose responsibility is it to create ideal men? We cannot be our fathers. There should be no competition, ladies. You should understand this as a fact. But this also is not an excuse for irresponsible and uncaring behavior from our side. No. We need to unlearn these bad habits and step up into true manhood.

Alright, but women have changed too. Our ladies aren’t exactly what our mothers used to be. Let’s stop looking only at one side of the coin. As far much as ladies would want to complain about there being no ideal/good men left, there are also so few ideal women.

Just to try and answer the question of, exactly whose responsibility is it to create ideal men, this is how I see it:

Right through boyhood, fathers shape what kind of men grow up today, and mothers shape what kind of ladies we have in our society right from the days when they are still girls. Fathers shape how their daughters will look at love and affection in the men they meet in the future (how they’ll choose their ideal men); while mothers shape how their boys will treat other ladies in the future (how they’ll choose their ideal woman.).

The society also plays a role in determining how both men and women will be treated whether at infancy, in their childhood or in adulthood: when the girl child is empowered and the boy child is left out, the society will always end up upside down, men will be seen as an excuse and not a necessity and the girl-child will want to call all men stupid, disfigured and visionless. On the other hand, when the boy child is empowered and the girl child is neglected, the society will always grow into an arena for slavery where men think women are objects of service and pleasure.

See?

It is not only the responsibility of young men to become men, but it also weighs in on society and how it sees the boy child. It is not only the responsibility of the girl-child to become confident in herself, but society also has a place in determining exactly how our ladies turn out. We (young people) are responsible for our own actions once we know the difference between right and wrong. Let’s just say that this argument goes back and forth. Everyone is responsible for everyone, and everyone is responsible for everything. Our society and our parents are responsible for how we come out, but we are equally responsible for how we choose to take over the world and how we treat and trust the people we meet.

Who is to strike the balance then so that we can find as many ideal men as there are ideal women in our society? All of us are responsible: parents, our communities/the society, ladies and young men. All of us are responsible if we can ever achieve as many ideal men as there are women and to clear out any kind of ideal-ness crisis.

Bonface Morris.