Musings On Worship Part 3: Worship and Excellence

Prologue
It is so hard to worship beyond the music when you're used to performance. Worship is more about total surrender than it is about perfection; because after total surrender comes perfection, God's perfection, and not an individual's. God's way of wanting us perfect is almost always very different from ours. 

*******

Sometimes I gaze at the team I have been leading worship with every Sunday for the past so many years and I just smile.

I smile because I understand our imperfections: they are too many...

We are not that musical: any musician would give us a 4 out of 10 if they were to look at how "musical" we all are.

We are not so refined vocally. Yes we try, but we ain't "there" yet: we almost always blunder with our vocals, we stutter, we struggle with breath control, we "ahem" between gasping and singing. Our voices stabilize today and miss the mark sometime later, we are threatened by high notes, there are less ornamentations in there, we smile less. Yes we try, but we are always failing. We miss tempos, flip keys, skip lines... 

We have had great times when we feel "we nailed it today", but we judge ourselves so low mostly. We have every reason in the "singing book" to conclude that we are imperfect. 

Our imperfections are too many.

So if I were to judge us as a worship team according to our imperfections, I would say that for the past many years we've been leading people in singing as a form of worship, we have failed at least seven times out of ten. That's imperfect, right?

But, again, I've been asking God if we are doing well, and He smiles. Every time. He says that He's looking deep within. He searches deeper and knows our hearts, and at most, our hearts (at least most of us) are in the right place. And that's a good thing.

Psalms 139:1-4 (ESV) O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.

If the Lord understands that we are imperfect and that we try to improve in areas we aren't so good at, He says it's okay. We don't need to worry about being "all-round perfect". Not so much. 

You see, according to this article (10 Tests of a Good Worship Leader) even as imperfect as we are, if as a worship team we manage to...

1. Make the congregation to effectively sing along,
2. Inspire the congregation to worship God with us,
3. Help the congregation grow in their worship of God,
4. Adequately prepare the worship band,
5. Ensure that the worship band is growing and improving,
6. Continuously worship as a band (stay deeply instilled in the Lord during singing),
7. Train up new worship leaders,
8. Inspire the pastoral staff to worship with us,
9. Manage to spend regular time with God in Bible reading and prayer (even with the busyness that is accumulating),
10. Worship God both in private and on stage,

We're doing well. We should keep going.

And I'm encouraging you too: if your hearts are in the right place and that your chase after God is sincere, God will use the imperfect you's to do His will in your congregation. 

You may not be perfect in your musicianship but that should not be an excuse for not pursuing excellence in the things above (most of which are spiritual).

Now, I'm not saying that performance is a bad thing but that dipping your heart into Jesus' blood and soaking your soul in the Holy Spirit as you minister are far greater ways to seek excellence than struggling to become a better vocalist or instrumentalist. Once your spirituality and worship has been perfected, I assure you that everything else will fall into place.

When we totally surrender to God, our voices and artistry may lack polishing but our hearts will be strumming the kind of music He desires: music done from the heart to the King of kings and Lord of lords. This kind of music - done by weak vessels to an Almighty God - is what He wants. 

We may remain imperfect in our own eyes and to others but in His eyes, we will be just as perfect as He wants us to be. 

********

Epilogue
Seek excellence in worship, especially the undivided devotion of your heart, body, mind and soul to God. This is better than any other kind of excellence you can ever desire. 

Note: Read Parts One and Two in this series of blogs here: Musings On Worship Pt. 1: What Is It All About? and here: Musings On Worship Part 2: Resilience. 

God bless. 

Bonface Morris.

Album Downloads: Hillsong UNITED - Wonder (2017), Tasha Cobbs - Heart. Passion. Pursuit. (2017), Hillsong Worship - The Peace Project (2017) and Casting Crowns - It's Finally Christmas EP (2017)

I know you guys have missed me on these streets (happy winks), and yes, I'm back! And I hope that I'll be as active as I can be, God willing.

Now, to motivate y'all and as a welcome-back gift, here are 4 major downloads for your listening pleasure this festive season: 

Note that all the 4 albums I'm sharing are zip folders that either need a file manager like Solid Explorer File Manger (on Android) or Bandizip (on Windows) to open. Please click on the highlighted links to download the app or program if you don't have an alternative.
 

1. Hillsong Worship - The Peace Project (2017) 

Summary info on the album:
The Peace Project is an album done with collaboration members the Hillsong band (Y&F, UNITED and Worship). It is an interesting project which features seven new, original songs including “Prince of Heaven,” “Seasons,” and “Peace Upon The Earth” along with new arrangements of five of the most beloved Christmas classics like “Hark,” “O Holy Night” and “Joy To The World.”

Artist: Hillsong Worship.

Album: The Peace Project.

Number of tracks: 12.

Album length: 57 minutes, 20 seconds.

Date of release: October 20, 2017.

Record label: Hillsong Music.

Music genre: Christmas.

Download link: Hillsong Worship - The Peace Project (2017) (55MB).

Hillsong Worship - The Peace Project (2017) official album cover art

2. Casting Crowns - It's Finally Christmas EP (2017)

Summary info on the album:
Grammy-award winning and Multi-platinum selling Christian band Casting Crowns have just unleashed their 2017 Christmas EP with the typical Casting Crowns sound we all love.
It’s Finally Christmas is all about the little details that make Christmas. From twinkling lights, to ‘the smell of cookies baking’, to singing Nat King Cole classics - family traditions are at the heart of the song. Christmas is a time for coming together, and looking forward to warmth of family and friends, wherever you are. Even die-hard Christmas fans may find earnest lines like ‘If you’ve got love, you’ve got it all’ a little cloying, but the song rounds off with a return to the heart of it all - remembering the Christmas story together. - Eden Magazine

Artist: Casting Crowns.

Album: It's Finally Christmas EP.

Number of tracks: 6.

Album length: 25 minutes, 38 seconds.

Date of release: October 20, 2017.

Producer: Mark A. Miller

Music genre: Christmas.

Download link: Casting Crowns - It's Finally Christmas EP (2017) (24MB).

Casting Crowns - It's Finally Christmas EP (2017) official album cover art

3. Hillsong UNITED - Wonder (2017) 

Summary info on the album:
Hillsong UNITED (the band) had several recording sessions for Wonder at The Record Plant in Los Angeles. Lead vocalist Joel Houston felt that the album's title and themes reflected returning wonder to both faith and worship, saying, "This is the challenge, and this is what worship - if worship can be summed up as an expression of art and music and story - is ultimately designed to do. To elevate the conversation, re-awaken the soul to something other, and lift our eyes to the wonder of a superlative truth." "Splinters and Stones" was described as having "striking vocal modification and pulsing bass samplings" while containing personal lyrics. - Wikipedia
Note: "So Will I (100 Billion X)" is my favorite song on the album. (That's why I have attached an acoustic bonus of the track done live at the Worship Together studios, which is not on the original album.)

Artist: Hillsong UNITED.

Album: Wonder.

Number of tracks: 13.

Album length: 71 minutes.

Date of release: June 9, 2017.

Record label: Hillsong, Sparrow and Capital CMG.

Music genre: Contemporary worship/Christian music.

Download link: Hillsong UNITED - Wonder (2017) (77MB)

Hillsong Worship - Wonder (2017) official album cover art

4. Tasha Cobbs-Leonard - Heart. Passion. Pursuit. (2017)

Summary info on the album:
When the Grammy-award winning Gospel artist Tasha Cobbs-Leonard announced that she was going to feature Nicki Minaj (yeaaaah, some of y'all yelled, "of all people!") on her album, her Instagram went ablaze...
"How could she?" "Why, Tasha, why?" "I can't believe this!"... Went the comments.
But during her interview with Essence, Tasha came out to defend the reason why she involved Nicki on her album by saying, 
"I've seen the Nicki that is off the stage and that Nicki has a great relationship with God. My assignment with this song was for a particular audience. Some [of the listeners] have never experienced God ever and she exposed that audience in her way, to the God that she loves."  
She also added by saying that this partnership with Nicki Minaj served as a healing process for those she’s come into contact with:  
The testimonies that have come because of this – I would absolutely do it again. I’ve had thousands of people say to me, ‘This is the first time I’ve ever bought a gospel album. This is the first time I’ve ever felt God. I didn’t believe in God until I heard this song.'”

Well, fellas, download the album, move over to track number 8 and be the judge...   

Artist: Tasha Cobbs.

Album: Heart. Passion. Pursuit.

Number of tracks: 16.

Album length: 89 minutes, 37 seconds.

Date of release: August 25, 2017.

Record label: EMI/Motown Gospel

Music genre: Urban contemporary Gospel/CCM.

Download link: Tasha Cobbs-Leonard - Heart. Passion. Pursuit. (2017) (85MB)

Tasha Cobbs-Leonard - Heart. Passion. Pursuit. (2017) official album cover art

***********************************

Well, I guess that is a full dose for today, guys.

See you next time!


Bonface Morris.

If Your Drawing Board and Your Strategy Are the Same Thing, You're Finished

Some of us know how to deal with failure: we put the bitter truth on a plate, stare at it, muse over it, eat it with haste and and move on. But most of us don't.

And this happens (not being able to deal with failure) mostly when we have all our eggs (hopes and dreams) in one basket (in one person, strategy or plan). It is when we cannot comfortably put that plate of failure on the table and eat it. We pretend to focus elsewhere, albeit to kill the urge to eat the failure-feed, but mostly, always falling short. Then we may either end up blaming the plate, the table or the chair instead of focusing on the failure-feed.

So, the question now is: when our present failed strategy is and was our only way out, what do we do?

I'm afraid to say that if your drawing board and your strategy were/are the same thing, then you're done. You're finished. You, are, finished.

I'll explain.

Let's imagine that you were invited to a song-writer's competition requiring participants to only sing their best original compositions. Also, participants may write as many good songs as they wish. But as for you, even after knowing these good rules, you came to the auditions with only one BEST song written by you.

Your strategy would be: "This is my best song, it will work, it will win me the award. The judges will listen to it and fall in love with it, and it will help me trump every other competitor. I have the BEST song, therefore there is no need to worry." Why do you feel overconfident? Because it is the best song! It is YOUR best song.

Unbeknownst to you, there is someone else thinking the same way as you are but they have their other three "BEST" songs.

What they are doing is this: they are imagining, "If the judges won't like this first BEST song of mine, I'll unleash my other BEST song; and if they won't think the second one is worth their ears, I'll still point them towards my other BEST song." If your competitor's BEST songs are in different genres and with different strengths in composition and lyricism, you're finished. They'll win, and you'll fail. Why will they win? Because they will be thinking about "BESTNESS" with regard to the judges, not themselves!

Back to the point though...

Now, imagine a situation where the judges listen to your one BEST song (which will actually happen if every other competitor was as well prepared as you were) and after they're undecided, they chose to ask you for a second song: "Hey! Do you have any other song you've written apart from this one?" Guess what you will tell them... Nonsense. You'll tell them nonsense.

You'll end up as the runners-up (or not, depending on the competition), not because you are a bad song writer but because you're a poor strategist. You thought your one song was enough, but your competitor came in with more tools to win. It was a do-or-die for them, it wasn't for you. So when they unleash their second song, you'll be wishing you had a "drawing board" to go back to. But you wouldn't be having any. Why? Because your drawing board was your strategy - you had already utilized its significance. Your one song was your do-or-die strategy.

This simply means this: whenever you have an opportunity to compete, don't EVER undermine your opponent. You'd be better be ruthless at wanting something than play around with wanting it then lose it in the end. You'd better be prepared for the worst, and the best may just end up smiling at you; than thinking that you are the best only to realize that the best is actually better and smarter than you in many ways.

I hope you learn this whenever you fail: that two arrows are always better than one. The second arrow enables you to eat your failure-feed with pints of salt.

End Note: The only place where our strategy and our drawing board are allowed to be the same is in our relationships and when dealing with God.

Bonface Morris.

Musings From My Birthday

Musings from my birthday

I don't know about you, but birthdays never really mattered to me in my early 20s. 

I used to think that people who fuss over birthdays are just being petty. Actually, I still feel that way but with a bit of salt because I have come to know people with all kinds of personalities; and I now understand why birthdays are a big deal to some and not that much of a big deal to others.

I'm older now, and I'm realizing that the older I grow, the more introspective I become. (Even so, the pettier I become.) And being introspective means having a self consciousness that never attempts to overlook my own pettiness. I have grown older, therefore I have grown pettier. And I have become more introverted than people really think I am. I only yap when I should. Isn't that what introverts do? (Haha)

I analyze statements, emotions, patterns, words, gestures, eye language, body language, silence, many words, few words, smirks... I don't overthink. No, I don't. I simply analyze. I analyze all kinds of stupid things in people. But mostly, I analyze if I really matter to them. I analyze because I want to understand people. I don't want to go around beating the air as far as people are concerned.

I analyze if I have impacted people's lives in these many years I have been in this world. I analyze my relationships. I analyze how the most important people in my life react to life changes and how they treat me in the different phases of life. I analyze how I make them feel. I analyze where their relationships with other people and with God seem to be going. 

Here is why I get deeper into the burden of understanding people and their life patterns: because, I somehow always have this Maya Angelou quote running at the back of my mind when I interact with people: "I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". 

Lemme say it again: people will never forget how you make them feel. 

I don't have to be perfect around people, I just have to make them feel something - something that will bring a change in their lives. That is my life goal.

I want it to be told that when I lived down here on earth, I at least managed to make people feel the following things:

1. Hatred

Yes. I want you to be able to hate something and hate it really well. Not to hate people, but to hate something. Hatred is the one emotion that changes everything. I want someone to be able to say, "Morris stirred up my heart to hate sex before marriage, to hate the devil, to hate sin, to hate being violent and inconsiderate, to hate being a naggard, to hate, hate and hate..."

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me hate the things that God hates."

2. Love

I want someone to arise and say, "Morris makes me feel loved and he shows me how to love people. He arouses within me the ability and passion to love. He makes me love God, love people, love the right things and love myself."

I want someone to face me and tell me: YOU TOUCH MY HEART. (Actually, someone I truly love woke up this morning and told me amongst many other beautiful words: YOU TOUCH THE HEARTS OF MANY.) 

I don't know how I touch people, but if I do touch, I hope I do touch their hearts to enable them to respond to God and to love and to be able to give it back to others.

Also, if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me love the things that God loves."

3. Included

I want people to have a feeling of inclusivity when they are around me. I want them to feel, "Morris won't leave me out of this, he's got my back. If he is there, we are all covered."

I want people to feel a sense of confidence when they think about me: to be sure of themselves. I want them to know deep down in their hearts that they are special. I don't want them to think, "Aahhh, what a selfish, egocentric, narcissistic prude!" but "Aaaah, what a selfless, generous and self-sacrificing friend."

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me to be considerate of others with the selflessness of Christ."

4. Happiness

Have I ever made you laugh? Laugh until the clouds turned into stars? Until the dark become a light before your eyes? I don't know about you, but I do make myself laugh. I am weird: so weird that I even laugh at myself.

I want it to be told that I cheer up a room. I want people to be proud that I'm coming, to expect to be happy. I want someone to say, to the glory of God, "Morris, please come. We need your laughter there. We need your laughter."

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me laugh. The joy of the Lord resides within you."

5. Think

I want to help people think. Think deeper, think wider and think with open minds. I want them to think about life down here and life through eternal eyes. 

I want them to think until they feel they are making the right choices. I want the feeling that comes out of their thoughts and choices to be a feeing of satisfaction and surety. I want it to be said of me, "Morris makes me think really hard about my life choices and where I am headed. He makes me reconsider my choices in life."

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a person to come to me, face me and tell me: "You make me feel proud of the choices I made in my life in such and such an area and at such and such a time."

6. God

Forget about everything else I have just said, friends. Forget it all and just hold on to this one. This last one. Yes, this is more important than the rest. 

After all has been said and done, I want people to say of me, "He makes me feel God. He makes me draw closer to Jesus and sense His Holy Spirit. He makes me realize who I am in God." 

I want people to see, feel, touch, know, glorify, delight in, find satisfaction in, bless, magnify and acknowledge God through me. I am part of the body of Christ, so I want to help reveal Him to people. I want to be that kind of vessel that God uses to reach the masses for Himself. I don't want to be at the center of it all, I just want to be a conduit - a pathway that God uses to reach His people. That's my duty on earth, so help me God.

And if possible, when I'm alive, I want such a people to come to me, face me and tell me: "Morris, you make us see God, experience Him and know Him. May He bless you on our behalf." 

*******

People, don't tell these things to my grave, it won't hear you. Tell them to me right now, when I can hear it. And I know - oh yes, I know - that the same Spirit that kept Christ humble will keep me humble for the glory of God. Let us all be proud that God had a reason to bring me to your lives.

That's my legacy.

*******

PS: And whatever this blog post makes you feel, don't keep it to yourself. At least tell it to God. (Haha). 

Bonface Morris.

Download Darlene Zschech's Here I Am / Send Me (2017) Album and Hillsong Worship's Let There Be Light (2016) Album for Free Here..

1. DARLENE ZSCHECH - HERE I AM / SEND ME (2017)

Darlene Zschech - HERE I AM / SEND ME (2017) official album cover art

Summary info on the album:

Former Hillsong worship pastor Darlene Zschech (pronounced "check"), most famous for the song "Shout To The Lord," is back to writing and singing worship songs after a miraculous recovery from cancer. Her latest project, Here I Am / Send Me, is a live record featuring of all new material. The album is performed by her worship team at Hope Unlimited Church in Australia and written alongside respected songwriters, such as Martin Smith and Paul Baloche. Here I Am / Send Me is a focused project, declaring God's unchanging love while promising to praise Him in every season of life and share his love to the nations and our neighbors. (JFH)

Artist: Darlene Zschech

Album: HERE I AM / SEND ME (Standard Edition).

Number of tracks: 11 in standard edition and 16 in deluxe edition.

Note: The deluxe edition of the album contains 5 live videos of You Will Be Praised, Daylight, You Are Great, Here I Am Send Me and Go (in that order).

Album length: 72 minutes, 36 seconds

Date of release: March 3, 2017

Record label: Integrity Music

Music genre: Contemporary Christian/Gospel, alternative, CEDM

Download: Darlene Zschech - Here I Am, Send Me LIVE (2017) (67mb.)

2. HILLSONG WORSHIP - let there be light (2016)

I have wanted to review this album since last year but time constraints have not allowed me.. Anyway here is a summary about the album, plus the download link.

Hillsong Worship - let there be light (2016) official cover art.

Summary info on the album:

Taking its cue from Genesis 1:3 is Hillsong Worship's titular "Let There Be Light" (stylized as "let there be light".)  And in at least three ways, this album is a return to the group's grassroots genesis. First, this 25th live album sees the return of Brooke (Fraser) Ligertwood as the worship leader on two cuts.  Though Ligertwood has never ceased writing for the Australian worship team, she has not been on the microphone since 2010's "A Beautiful Exchange."  Second, the same can be said of Marty Sampson.  In the earlier days, Sampson used to be one of the most prominent male voices of the team.  After a period of conspicuous absence, Sampson is back both as a songwriter of 2 songs and he sings lead on his self-penned "Elohim."  Third, while their previous record "OPEN HEAVEN / River Wild" was a tad more experimental and ethereal, this new record gets back to their mother's milk of solidly congregational-focused songs. (Hallels)

Artist: Hillsong Worship

Album: let there be light (Deluxe Edition).

Number of tracks: 17 

Note: I have excluded a short sermon by Pastor Brian Houston (Behold, New Roads) in the download I'm sharing.

Album length: 92 minutes, 58 seconds (without the short sermon)

Date of release: October 14, 2016

Record label: Hillsong Music, Sparrow Records and Capitol Christian Music Group.

Music genre: Contemporary Christian/Gospel, alternative, rock, CEDM.

Download: Hillsong Worship - Let There Be Light (2016 (85mb)

Bonface Morris.

Whatever You Do, Please Don't Fall In Love

Or fall in love anyway;
Fall in love so deeply, so recklessly...Fall in love so that your heart can be barbecued, grilled and smothered;
Fall in love so that your mind can explode a multiple times into small fragments like fireflies and disappear into oblivion...
Yes, maybe, just fall in love so that you may know the depths of bliss and disarray;
Fall in love anyway, because there is no one that is going to catch you after you come down with a thud!

Because,
If you've ever fallen in love,
If you've ever been loved,
There are two things; no, three things that you have found to be true:
That love is circular: it goes around and comes around,
That love is inexpensive: it brags itself to be aloof and in a class of its own ; and
That mature love is like wine: when you take too much of it, you get drunk, too little of it makes you yearn for more and "just enough" is never enough.
So falling in love leaves you neither in the waters of love nor on the shores...

But in a way I can't explain, mature love cripples the soul.
It retards it's ability to do normal things.
It matures the soul into doing the unthinkable, extraordinary, stupid and almost malevolent things;
Mature love is dangerous.
Childish love is dangerous.
Lukewarm love is dangerous.
All love is dangerous.
All love is not bad; just dangerous.

Stories of love are stories of bloody hearts and broken bones,
They are stories of rugged crosses, thorn-brawed faces and empty graves.
They are stories full of stories inside stories that were stories.


In all my life, I've fallen in love at least twice.
I know how it feels. I know how it tastes.
I know its pits and mountains, its lilies and scotches.I know its sourness and it's sweetness.
I've tasted both the angst and the anticipation;
And all these times, love has proved two things: that it tastes the same way if you get it just right,
And that it can be trodden upon just much;
But if you were my son and you happened to ask me, "Dad, should I fall in love?"
I'll tell you this:
It is beautiful, but it is dangerous. So, please, whatever you do, son, don't fall in love. Or fall in it anyway, because your heart can't help it and somehow, love delights and thrives in it own wars.


********
This tiny writing is for that person who knows what it means when we say, "I am thirsty, but please don't give me water, it will kill me."


Bonface Morris.

Free MP3 Download and Lyrics: Cobhams Asuquo - Empty

When a song gets my attention, I share it.

So here goes...

Cobhams Asuquo - For You (2017)

Artist: Cobhams Asuquo

Song: Empty 

Album: For You

Genre: Nigerian urban gospel

Year and date of release: March 12, 2017 

Download link: Cobhams Asuquo - Empty (5.2mb)

LYRICS:

I’m swimming against the current

Swimming against the current

I think I need you... I need you

I'm trying so hard to finish

Trying so hard to finish

Strong bad I need you... I need you

I’m trying to make sense of it

Trying to make sense of it all

But I can tell that’s the truth... Ow!

‘Cos you all I’ve ever needed

You all I’ve ever needed

But I don’t know the truth... Ooohwu!

BRIDGE:

You are my star...

You show me the way

The way back to you

You are my sun

You brighten my grey

And make my sky blue

CHORUS:

You are the light in my dark

Without you my world would be so empty, empty

You filled the space in my heart

Please don't leave me feeling so empty, empty... Yeah!

I’m swimming against the current

Swimming against the current

I think I need you... I need you

I'm trying so hard to finish

Trying so hard to finish

Strong bad I need you... I need you

I’m trying to make sense of it

Trying to make sense of it all

But I can tell that’s the truth... Ow!

‘Cos you all I’ve ever needed

You all I’ve ever needed

But I don’t know the truth... Ooohwu!

BRIDGE:

You are my star...

You show me the way

The way back to you

You are my sun

You brighten my grey

And make my sky blue

CHORUS:

You are the light in my dark

Without you my world would be so empty, empty

You filled the space in my heart

Please don't leave me feeling so empty, empty...

VAMP:

I really need a miracle

I really need a miracle

Tell me is that you?... is that you? (x4)

REPEAT [BRIDGE]

REPEAT [CHORUS]

Relationship Blues Part 2: Understanding Conflict In Relationships

Understanding Conflict In Relationships

There is usually quite a fuss about the occurrence and the role of conflict in relationships.

Hey! If you haven't read the first part in this series of blogs, read it here: Relationship Blues Part 1: Do You Really Want that Breakup?

There is a group of us who think that healthy relationships should NEVER have conflict and so we live all our lives trying to avoid them or trying to pretend that they don't exist.

Then there are some of us who reiterate that conflict and relationships (any kind of relationship) are indispensable. We live with the gnashing reality that at they are here to stay.

Either way, conflict does exist; or at least, is thought to exist. Everywhere. It exists everywhere: in churches, in homes, in schools, in families, in institutions and organisations, in the government, within minds, in relationships... everywhere.

The only place where conflict doesn't occur is in Heaven.

This blog will seek - in a rather simple manner - to help the reader understand HOW and WHY conflict occurs in romantic relationships. Every other thing about conflict in relationships can be addressed elsewhere or in another blog, God willing.

*******

Google defines conflict as "a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one" or "an incompatibility between two or more opinions, principles, or interests." (Google App)

As in many romantic relationships (including mine), conflict exists when of one of the two people in the relationship, both of them or a third party causes a disagreement or argument or an incompatibility in opinions, principles, or interests. It may be intentional or not; and it may be an afterthought, well-calculated, premeditated or not. (Even this - the very thought of it being construed to be intentional or impromptu - may be a source of conflict.) Conflict therefore can happen to anyone, anywhere and it is known to be one of the major causes of breakups and divorce.

Most romantic relationships tackle it by either trying to avoid it or feed it. They do it in many ways as I'll show us below. But in the end, you'll realize that almost all disagreements and conflicts in relationships are due to an imbalance in three things: how each partner shows passion, intimacy and commitment to the other person in the relationship. Almost all conflict in relationships rises and falls within these three things.

It is obvious that men and women think differently about conflict and they both react differently to a given set of stimuli - stimuli in this case being conditions that bring conflict. However, without understanding that the underlying issues that cause conflict are hidden in these three (passion, intimacy and commitment) as viewed differently by both parties, it becomes harder to try and tackle conflict and the why questions that arise when conflict hits the relationship.

Take for instance an argument over money between two people in a relationship. The lady may argue that the guy is not spending enough on her, that he is stingy; or that he spends too much on himself, on his friends or on many other "useless" things and therefore ends up forgetting about her. In retaliation, the guy may either hit back at her by telling her that she doesn't really deserve it or that she never spends her money on him either or he may just keep quiet in order to avoid quarreling.  

In such a case, would you say that the underlying issue is money/finances? No. 

Why? Because how one uses money is always a matter of priority and what he cares for most. Which according to our three major causes of conflict lies between how intimate the two are (how close they are to each other and care about each other's needs) and how committed they are to making the other one happy. Money is just exposing these two loopholes in the relationship.

Even when it comes to men complaining about emotionally immature ladies and ladies complaining about irresponsible men, the underlying issues are intimacy, passion and commitment. 

Now, let us look at these three for a minute and how they seem to be what conflicts revolve around.

1. Passion
Passion is defined as determination or a deep interest in something. The lack of passion leads to at least a few of the following issues which are a major cause of conflict: absentmindedness, forgetfulness, lack of support, lack of care, diminishing agreeableness, lack of sharing about future plans for the relationship etc. People who are passionate about their relationship tend to do the opposite of what I've listed above.

2. Intimacy 
Intimacy is defined as a feeling or an atmosphere of closeness and openness towards someone else.

Conflict that comes as a lack of intimacy in a relationship is revealed in the following; lack of attention, lack of affection and acts of affection, lack of interest in one another, verbal abuse and cruel words, physical abuse, manipulation, lack of honesty, lack of knowing the other person deeply, less quality time spent together, unquenchable anger and rage, frustration, men throwing in "the man card" and women insisting on affirmative action, lack of tenderness, lack of compliments and affirmation, lack of apologizing, competition, rigidity and lack of flexibility in decision-making, lack of romance e.t.c.


3. Commitment
Commitment is defined as the trait of sincerity and focused purpose. Lack of commitment will lead to; lack of trust, disrespect, affairs/unfaithfulness, lack of exclusivity, irresponsible behavior, irresponsible use of resources and time, misuse of finances, lies, lack of keeping promises, unprecedented jealousy, jumpiness, spiritual dryness, procrastination, misplaced priorities e.t.c.

*******
We now notice that in order to understand conflict, we need to sieve through our relationship problems by categorizing them in these three groups. Maybe then we'll get a way to solve them. 

*******

That's all for now, guys.

Let's continue this talk later.


Bonface Morris.

Relationship Blues Part 1: Do You Really Want that Breakup?

Relationship Blues: Do you really want that breakup?

There are actually a couple of times when people in relationships don't feel like being in those relationships. I've felt it myself, a number of times.

I bet people in marriages feel the same way a couple of times too - they just never talk about it. (Thank you married people for doing such a good work at hiding the difficulties in marriage. The Lord should really be smiling at y'all. No?)

As for me, I tend to think it is normal. I think it is normal to sometimes not want to be in the whole work that relationships are sometimes (that's the one thing single people should always take advantage of by the way - that the only person they can run away from is themselves, which isn't possible anyway.) 

Also, not all relationships are meant to work out. 

Relationships are beautiful, but they need work: time, sacrifice, commitment, humility... [REPEAT]. The challenge is that these attributes - plus many others - don't seem come in good supply nowadays. This causes people to want a break: either for good or for a while.

What I am trying to say is this: when you are in a place in your relationship where you feel like you should just be left alone, you ought to think about it in two ways; do I really want to quit or do I just need a break? 

This is because not every feeling of lack of interest in a relationship has the same clear answer: a clear "yes" or a clear "no". With this is mind, let us consider a few scenarios where someone is doubting whether the relationship needs work or quitting. They may need to look at their relationship and ask the following questions;

1. Do I see a future in this relationship? Am I excited about the future of this relationship? 

2. Is my lack of interest in this relationship genuine or artificial? Is my lack of interest real? 

3. Is there a possibility that it has been triggered by an affair? Is either of us having an affair? Do I have genuine proof? 

4. Is it my fault or the other person's: is there a commitment problem in this relationship? 

5. Have I become so dependent on the other person until he/she has replaced God in my life? 

6. Is this relationship manipulative? Is my partner taking advantage of me and my weaknesses? 

7. Is there violence and lack of respect in this relationship? 

8. None of us is willing to change concerning any matter that needs discussion and the other person's consent. 

9. Is this relationship making us drift further away from God through unrepented sin? Is there a sin in this relationship that has become habitual and normal? 

10. One or both of us are completely uncommitted in making the relationship work. 

If someone answers "yes" to more than five questions above, they may really need to consider quitting. Those are real red flags. 

But if someone answers "yes" to only three (or less) of the above issues, they may just need a short break that is mutually agreed upon by both of them in the relationship (which is a very healthy thing by the way as I'll explain in the last part of this blog). 

In such a case, here is how I can help you; 

1. Ask permission to be given sometime alone for introspection.
An emotionally healthy partner will have no problem giving you some time to be alone so long us it will benefit the relationship. This is not a breakup, it is simply allowing each other to refuel. 

2. Talk about it.
Talk to your partner about your disinterest and where the relationship is headed. Talk about what is causing you to drift away. It may be something that can be resolved by a few tiny decisions between the two of you. Don't make the big leap before the talk. 

3. Seek counsel from a trusted person.
Yes, the world is filled with hypocrites - including you and I - but as part of good decision-making, experts reiterate that involving a trusted third party will help you make decisions that are not fueled by emotions but that are fact-based and constructive. A trusted person will show you whether you really need a break, a breakup or you're simply into immature venting. And truly speaking, there is always someone you can trust. Talk to them about it. 

4. It will be hard, I promise.
Putting away someone you've known for a while in order to focus on yourself and on the best way forward for the relationship is not easy. Really. Therefore, you really need to be emotionally mature and psychologically prepared in order to deal with it. If not, this whole thing will be one of the biggest mistakes you've ever made in your life. 

5. Remember that in most cases, what you need is a break, not a breakup.
I've been there and this is what I can tell you: you cannot solve your every relationship problem with a breakup. That's not mature. You may need to consider lighter avenues of solving conflicts instead of running away from them. 

In conclusion, I can say that breaks in relationships are very important for the following reasons;

1. They help both parties to "clear their heads".
When two people take time away from each other, they are able to analyze problems and make choices without emotional influence or breakdown. It is a good way to figure out what exactly is wrong and work on it with clear heads. 

2. It helps in personal "refueling" and relationship rejuvenation.
Every journey needs a work through; emotional stability, counting costs along the way and being ready to meet them. Some time alone will help both of you "refuel". So long as you agree on how long you need the break and how you'll relate during the break, it will be okay. That's why we're calling it a break, not a breakup. 

3. Breaks can help break cycles of sin.
If you keep sinning sexually or emotionally or thought-wise, a break will be the best thing for you. 30 days minimum. Take time to reflect, to refocus, to break away from the sinful cycle of lust by seeking help from the Spirit of God. Minimum contact is required during such times.Maybe that's what your relationship needs in order to be godly again.

Note: You cannot break a bad relationship habit under the same conditions that created it. That's why you may just need to consider a break in order to break your cycle of bad habits.

Till next time,

Bonface Morris.