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Bit by bit and beat by beat; the
best life always treads in bitty beats – Bonface Morris
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Nothing corrodes the soul more than
doubt; an ounce of every step in such a world treads mankind into a dying world
– Bonface Morris
This week begun with me being too busy – somehow too
busy for writing. In fact I am writing this post from a certain hole-place in
the farthest part of this country. But because I have to write, let me just do this…
We continue with what I started off last week – Love’s Shades of Black and White…
In life, there always comes a time when one doubts
their abilities (if at all one has realized that they DO possess any – or an
ability). I think it is a normal thing. It is normal to have doubt over some
things in life; but it is never normal to think that doubting is (or to make doubting)
an impossibility. I think that people who doubt take the best options in life so
far – the best verified options. This is majorly because that which is the
reason for doubt, on which such a person’s instincts mount and shine on so much
is amplified by questioning and criticism, and if it at all has to meet an
answer, that answer would have to face thorough
vetting before any kind of mutual inception into such a person’s fact-world…
So doubting is healthy. It is natural. What you do
with it is what matters most… because during such moment(s), when one is forced
to doubt their ability to care, to know, to understand, to make things right,
to have lasting relationships, and worse still their ability to love selflessly;
and with equal measure tend to doubt another person’s abilities in the same line,
answers have to be met. Such answers pin point reason and doubt to this post.
Doubt in the art of love always comes in because we
feel insufficient and absolutely out of range with some aspects in the lives of
our significant others. We don’t understand some things, so we choose to
wrestle against them. We don’t want some things about these people, that is why
we choose to dig them out and use them against the very people we felt so close
to. We don’t like some things about these people, so we are choosing a way out
of our agony of lack of knowledge…
“We don’t have to love some things about other people”,
we tell ourselves. “We only have to love some…” “We don’t have to have some things, but some
come out to be naturally essential…” “We don’t have to know all things about
people” “We only have to know the most essential,
the most reasonable about those
we love…” are statements we often use
to make a defense of our doubts of others.
You don’t have to have been in a relationship for so
long to generate doubt. A relationship of just one day may have as many
problems as that of 10 years (if such exists). If two people have agreed to be
in a relationship, building it and growing it with absolute trust in each other
is a process that may take one day or forever. So putting that in mind, consider
the following doubt zones that are
common in any relationship after two have tango-ed
even though we all can swear to our best knowledge that love should be
selfless, impartial and unconditional;
- I
doubt if he/she will be consistent in their loving me (or their show of affection
towards me).
This
is majorly because you have insecurity problems and you either feel they are
too good and you do not count to who
they are or the feeling that they may just be playing you. Maybe they have shown a weakness of inconsistency in
one way or another. Maybe they have said so indirectly. Maybe they have shown
it to you is some way. So you ended up feeling soooo inadequate. It may be true or a fad. But anyway, who never
feels unloved sometimes even after
experiencing the most romantic relationship ever…!? Test yourself over time and
see if you are being fair to judge someone like you are doing.
- I
doubt if he/she will be consistent in the way they give themselves to me (say
in their money or time…) I normally
say that moderation is father of consistency. If at all you want to breed
consistency in your relationship, control what you do for each other. Anything
overdone means, something not consistently done. I cannot afford to call
you for 1 hour in each day all the days of my life. So, I will only call
you for a few minutes which are manageable – and I will maintain that for
a very long time – because it is manageable. I will take you out to an
ambient place which I can always afford. I won’t take you out to great places just because I had
some cash to put away or spend, but if I can manage to do so always,
then I should. I will spend time with you – only in a way that I can
always manage – why fool you with a whole week spent together only to
disappear after that? Why should I force you to doubt my spending lots of
time with you? The rule is this simple: only do what you two can always
manage to do and do it to your best – you will enjoy your
relationship.
- I
doubt if their ‘bad’ will someday
outweigh their ‘good’
To
say but the truth, everyone has their ‘good’ and ‘bad’ side. Just live to
relate well with that fact. Nobody is always so good and if someone is ‘bad’,
make your choices fast enough before it is too late. You may never change
anyone, so live with the reality of their ‘good’ and the menace of their ‘bad’.
If you are the spiritual kind like myself, telling your fears about your
significant other to God will be of great help. He will help you understand
that we are all different. And that appreciating each other’s flaws is the best
part of unconditional and true love that He talks about in 1 Corinthians 13.
- I
doubt if they DO have a mpango wa
kando or not, and if they will always be passionate and committed to
this relationship…to fight for it, to protect it…
Ladies
please, not all men are advocates of the mpango
wa kando thing. And guys, not all dudes who talk to your chic are potential
rivals. Give each other some breathing space.
I
have a friend whose boyfy is that kind of dude who always is peeping into every part of
her life scrutinizing who she talked to, and why, and where… bla bla bla… She
always ends up really exhausted and although she may never say it out loud,
only love keeps her in that relationship – love is such a miracle… So, even if
you puts guards around someone, it is never a reality that you can be the only person
in their lives! Everyone needs an extra friend (whether a guy or a chic) – just
a friend – please allow them this freedom and don’t suffocate them!
Commitment
and passion in a relationship is something two people cultivate. You have to
build your own, and in your own way! If I wanna be committed, I have to see the
future of this thing I am committing to, and if I have to see its future, I
have to strive to. Things don’t just happen – they are made to happen! I know
that we guys are commitmentphobes but it is majorly because maybe ladies never
give us something to look forward to – something to make us feel to be part of
such a relationship… something to develop passion towards…
The above factors show that doubt makes us condemn and
drive away people even before our relationships mature or start existing. It is
such a dark shade. Trust on the other side, and being the good oil that balms a
relationship can’t be bought on the streets. Trust is build. If we have to undo
the black shade of doubt (at least to reasonable level because it happens to
recur) we have to work on painting out so loud the white shade of trust.
Can we talk about how to build trust in our next post?
See ya…
Morris.
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