Spies, Stalkers and So on...

Imagine I had already dozed away while watching a movie. I rarely do that. But that does not entirely mean that the movie was boring, or that it was less engaging, or that it was late in the night, but because [I am told] that is what happens when a tired aging boy watches several episodes of such a cool movie… he falls asleep without wanting… and therefore is forced to tell Mr. Sleep, “I am coming darling, am on my way…”  

And so I was in bed reminiscing. Reminiscing? Yeah, somehow. Gazing at my phone at most, and thinking at least. I was between wondering why I had to be sleeping early and what I was going to do with the time before actually falling asleep.

But then while in that status, just as it does to most of us so-called writers, the spirit of writing befell me. And you can only imagine what I did. A clump of excitement came upon me. A pizza-ish kindof amazingness and I had to throw off my blanket, switch on the TV to give me some trickled light and switch on this laptop to write. I had also to right then remember that just some few years ago, the routine was the same, but the actions were [or would have been] different. The point being that I just used to light up a spot light (what I grew up calling a ‘torch’) and get some pen and paper to note down those many points that came out of nowhere and that were mercilessly rushing through my mind (like Ugandans thieving our precious fish from Migingo’s environs)… and as a by the way, you know about The Battle of [or is it for?] Migingo, right?

It was midnight of course. Thursday night. Meremembers that I told you something about me and Thursday nights, right? OK. So the question was, what should I have done [on a typical Morris-Thursday night] when an idea comes to my mind and I so well knew that if I wouldn’t write it down sooner it will vanish away by morning and no kind of bribery in Kenya could bring it back? Huh? So this is what I did – I sat down and made an introduction to this post which I am finishing up today…
I remembered of how several years ago in my High School days while in Form One, there was a girl who used to fancy me (OK forgive me Me Lady and Me King for such shoddy thoughts right before your well bred ears, eyes and mind…). Did you hear that? I didn’t fancy her, [I swear], but she fancied me a lot. Yeah she did. So you ask, “Kwenda huko Morris, how did you know that?” OK. Chill. Wacha nikupe story…
This is what used to happen (and thank God that decency was still 80% around us in those days and a dude could still have a crush [woreva that is] on a lady and vice versa and do nothing about it… hehe). I think that was cool. [A hand clap for chaps who existed in bafo-oo days like myself…!] [Imitates a teacher] Good. And thank you. Back to the story. This happened often (what I am gonna talk about) and, [I swear], I never enjoyed it. It was after, you know [David Rudisha style], you know, uuuummmmhhh, after say, you know, break times (lunch, tea break, supper bla bla bla), and I (the cool, innocent chap that I was then – after ng’arisharing my ‘fyatu’ [viatu]) and I was relaxed and was making noise (kuunda kelele) (I think that’s what monos do after scrambling for food the whole day) with this desk-mate of mine who was a practical joke in existence – Philbert, [I holla at you boy!] and was passing away my Prep Time (wallahi ilikuwa inaitwa hivyo) with cypress sticks in my teeth. And just so that you may know, those sticks were precious commodities only used after meat days kama Saturday hivi. Yaani once in a week. Philbert was the kind of dude that could make [unda] jokes but never laugh at them – like our old Kibaki – pumbafu tuuuu…! Philbert was such a big potato! But I guess he was orange-fleshed… hehe… (I hope wherever you are my dear friend, people still consume Vitamin doses of jokes for their ailing souls… and sooner I may be coming to analyze the amount of that content in your head…!)

So back to the story… Yeah, she [I won’t tell you her name lest that guy Mzalendo [what is his other name?] takes me to court for hate speech] had this mirror (chics always have mirrors, right?) in her hands all Prep Time. She had a mirror in one hand [right hand I guess] with a sponge-like thing in her left – hey ladies, what do you call those things? [Pardon me please]. But it was not the mirror that was the problem. The problem was that I used to sit right behind her nikiunda kelele huku nikishuku kama ni real for a right-handed chic ku-hold a mirror in her right hand na huku ameshika hiyo ‘sponge’ in her left. Sikuwa nashikanisha hiyo story vi-poa. Najua pia wewe unajaribu kuishikanisha saa hii.. hehe… And Philbert being the good Vitamin guy he was, used to ensure that I got the reality of things >>>> “Wee Bonny, anakuangalia kwa mirror, si umwendee umwambie umejazika na yeye!” Gosh! [By the way, are guys allowed to say that anymore?] And the me that I was then used to go like, “Checky Phil, anajiunda-unda tu. Si unachecky alikuwa amewahi ‘powder’ mob?! Anajaribu kuipunguza punguza kwa uso asikae kama ametoka posho mill na tuko chuo… ticha on duty anaweza kuleta noma jo!” Hehe… and the evening would fade away and the day would go away, and still the next day would come, and I would expect the same styro [style] of doing things… Did I mention that she sometimes desperately wanted to know if I had a girlfriend and in a working relationship? But [I swear] hehe, I never enjoyed it! I am so sure of it because I have a good memory dudes/dudettes! Eish! End of story. Yeah, end of story! Hehe… Sitaendelea na hiyo story… The end point is – she enjoyed it and I knew it, but I was not interested… [Walking away with swagga and pride…]

And now you are seated there (and I don’t really care if you are standing or sleeping) reading about stories from my High School days, huh? Haiya! I don’t blame you. I blame your curiosity. I blame your antics. I blame your desire to know more about me and that girl – because you have realized that the one I have just told you is a Form One story, yet we finished High School together… hehe… I don’t blame you. I blame your digging mentality, your Google abilities and your Discovery Channel affiliations.

So to be clear about this, everyone spies around, but for different reasons. That is a fact. We all are spies of others but for diverse reasons. Some stalk others on social media (Facebook, LinkedIn, Google + and Twirra] by peeping through their status(es) and profiles, wishing all the time that they had the passwords to their social media accounts so that they may read they inboxes and DMs. Maybe so that they may just feel good about it, or so that it may give them some kind of satisfaction, or so that they may stalk even more come tomorrow, or so that they may see if they are the potential other(s) they are (or have been) desperately looking for… Some Google others on the internet and waste the whole day checking out all their profiles from one website to another, ogling at their photos and wishing themselves into fantoism [if you know what that is…] Some borrow phones to intentionally check out people’s inboxes and phonebooks, to determine what others call them in those phones, and see how close someone is close to the other... Some spy their ex just to know if they have moved on… Some spy on their girlfriends/boyfriends due to doubt insecurity issues… 
People have abilities my friend. Up above normal abilities. Some can bluetooth themselves your thoughts and anticipate your next step. Some can even know where you are while you have no idea you are there. Some are airborne and can work like Google Maps (I think iOS6 may just needs their services) and can locate you anywhere. Some know what I ate yesterday and what I am going to eat tonight - they can rival God in predicting abilities (so they may think). Some know things about you that had already forgotten... My friend, people have stalkabilities!
Some do it for good reasons; like for research purposes (to find the right partner to work with in professional matters), or to be conversant with whoever they are befriending on social media, or just understand the basics of a person… bla bla bla… It happens. These things DO happen my friend. And you and I cannot be left out. Si pia wewe hufanya hivo ma-time? Hehe… I stalk people too. I know you only wish you knew who I stalk and why…

This is what I will say about this issue: Spy on people, stalk them, get their number(s) from their Facebook walls and Private-call them as you please or as you like. Become their followers on Twirra so that they may follow you back, DM them if you please, but let your intentions be pure. Use mirrors, use Google, use whatever is at your disposal, but my dear friend, let your intentions remain to be pure. Also remember that sparing them their privacy is very important. Everyone needs it sometime… and maybe always…

Wishing you a stalk(ful/free) weekend,

Morris.